The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (362 page)

My stories were different, raw, and beautiful. I didn't need to be a part of the world outside when I had my own worlds inside. It was funny that it took me traveling to the realities in my stories to find my place back in my own reality. The escape had calmed my confused head. The writing allowed me to release feelings of distrust, anguish, disappointment... you name it.

By early spring, I was ready to leave the past six months of my life behind and start over. Starting with Dean.

I felt disoriented in the world after being in self-inflicted isolation for so long. Kylie had visited me a few times filling me in with mindless gossip about old friends from school and her latest conquest. It was nice to hear about other people's problems. It made me feel less like a freak.

She came over to reintroduce me to the big, bad world. It was kind of funny. She and my parents treated me like a fragile newborn that would break if dropped.

I was actually the opposite. I felt stronger than I had felt in years. I was ready to move out and start the local university in the fall. Kylie offered to move out with me. I knew it wasn't easy for her to make that sacrifice since she was so comfortable at home, but no one was willing to leave me to my own devices at this point.

We were in my bedroom getting ready to go to the movies. During my months of reflection, there was something that nagged at me. Something I had wanted to ask Kylie for a long time.

"Hey, Kylie?" I asked timidly. Our friendship was still mending, so I was afraid to pull at any strings that would make the whole thing unravel.

"Yeah?" she asked as she looked up from the trash magazine she was super involved in.

I fidgeted nervously with my fingers, pulling at the skin around my nails.

"What's wrong, Len?"

I could hear the uneasiness in her voice.

"I've been wanting to ask you something. Actually, a few things." This was going to turn into one of those long heart-to-heart moments, and I could see by the look on her face that she knew it, too. She put down her magazine and gave me her undivided attention.

"Okay, shoot."

She was trying to keep the mood light.

"Why did you drug me at Luke's house that night?" I didn't realize how good it would feel to finally ask her.

"Oh. Umm. Wow, okay, so we're going back to that." She shifted around as she tried to spit out the words. "Honestly? I don't know. I wanted us to have a good time together, and I thought that would help loosen you up. It was stupid, and I have felt bad about it every day since. I'm sorry, Len."

I believed her. It wasn't like I thought she did it maliciously, but I just didn't understand why. Her answer was reasonable. At the time, we had grown apart, and I had become more reserved, not letting go. I guess uptight would be a better name for it. Not that what she did was okay, but it was in the past and now that we talked about it, I could let it go.

"What were the other things?"

"I guess just one more thing."

"Okay, give it to me."

"The night I tried to drown myself I had driven by Dean's house on my way to see you, and I saw you leaving." She cut me off.

"Len, I already told you that he was trying to get back with you and using me to do it."

"I know, but..." I couldn't seem to find the right words. "When you guys hugged, it just seemed like it was more." She looked away shamefully. My heart sank. I was right. I wasn't as crazy as I thought, but I wasn't mad anymore. I just wanted the truth, so I could move on.

"I won't break from the truth, Ky. You owe me it."

When she looked back at me, her cheeks glistened from the tears streaming down.

"I'm so sorry, Len. It was just one kiss. He was lonely, and I was desperate for affection. It was one stupid moment that meant nothing."

The pills were doing their job, because I didn't cry and I didn't yell, but a faint ache rubbed up against my chest. Imagining Dean kissing anybody else was hard enough, but kissing my best friend was painful. I couldn't say anything.

I walked to my open window and stared out at the clear dark sky. I wanted the truth and I got it. Now I needed to let it process and digest, so I could let it go and start a fresh beginning.

I knew that the success of a relationship with Dean relied on starting over with no baggage. To start over as if we had never been together. To erase the four years of our lives together. I wanted to be with him forever, and I was willing to forget to have that future with him.

"Are you okay?" Kylie asked warily.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you for telling me."

"Are we okay?"

"Yeah, Ky. We're good." And I wasn't lying. Binge and purge. Binge on all of the memories and then purge them forever. "Let's go."

I didn't have my license back yet, so Kylie drove. I hadn't been in her car since the accident. It was weird. Her mom had replaced her totaled car with the exact same kind to avoid the embarrassment of the accident. Her parents were socialites, so they swept a lot of things under the rug. This was only one of many they had to hide with Kylie. She took rebelling to a whole new level, although it seemed like she was trying to change. To finally become an adult.

I was twenty-one now. I had missed my birthday in my state of mental unrest. Kylie wanted to make it up to me by taking me to the movies and then out for a drink. Probably not the smartest thing to do with the medication I was on, but the doctor had assured me that one drink would be okay, but to be cautious.

When we pulled up to the movie theatre, the memory of mine and Dean's first kiss flashed through my head.

It was one for the books. Literally. It was full of all the exciting sexual tension you hope for in a first kiss. I was expelling, so this was one of many moments I would erase. I could only get rid of the bad if I was willing to get rid of the good, too.

We saw a light-hearted funny comedy. It felt good to laugh again. There were even moments I laughed so hard I cried. I was having fun in spite of the medication. Maybe I could feel something after all.

After the movie, we headed to a local hang out. It was a fun little coffee shop that played Top Forty music and served alcoholic drinks, too. It was a nice concept, and it had caught on in our small town where there wasn't much to do as a young adult. I heard it was popular in Europe.

I would love to travel to Greece sometime. It looked so beautiful and peaceful in the pictures. Maybe one day and I would visit one of these little coffee shops there also.

It was Friday night, and the place was packed with adults my age all the way up to late forties. There were always sugar daddies looking for young women to pick up. After the bouncer checked our IDs, Kylie grabbed my hand protectively and pushed us through the crowd to reach the bar. I stood behind her as she ordered us drinks.

The music was inviting and loud. It made me want to dance, but I wasn't sure anybody could dance with everyone squashed in like sardines. I scanned the room and noticed there was a dance floor on the far end of the room. Lots of bodies moved together to the beat of the music. I felt a pang of jealousy remembering how dancing and music made me feel when I succumbed to the energy it produced.

Kylie handed me my drink and snatched my free hand. She was a pro at getting through crowds without pissing off anyone. She spotted someone vacating a table against the wall close to the dance area, and she rushed us over. She put her drink down as another girl was trying to sit down. I looked at the person attached to her arm and almost passed out from sensory overload. It was Dean.

"Excuse me. We were here first!" she yelled over the music.

Dean leaned in and whispered something into her ear quickly. She looked at me and backed up.

"You know what, never mind. We were going to dance anyway."

Kylie squeezed my hand gently. I looked up at Dean. I'm not sure what my face was telling him because I was in a fog, but the look on his face told me it pained him as much as seeing him with another girl pained me.

He walked away with the girl without saying a word.

"Shit, Len. I'm sorry. That's not what I wanted to happen on your first night out. We can go," she said as she started to pull me away from the table.

"No, it's okay." I didn't know if it really was, but I was going to have to deal with this at some point, so there was no reason to avoid it now. It hurt like hell, but if we were meant to be together, we would be. I had to hold onto that or else I would fall apart again. Hope was all I had to survive on now.

I downed half of my vodka and diet drink and settled in the chair. As hard as I tried, I couldn't help but be drawn to where Dean was. He had chosen the farthest spot from us. I could tell he was just as uncomfortable with the situation as I was. We had been together long enough that I had all his mannerisms memorized. When he felt out of place, he leaned on a nearby wall and stared at the ground, or if he didn't have a wall to hold up, he stood with his hands inside his pockets. He was fortunate that there was a free spot against the doorframe leading to the bathroom. Not fortunate for me. With the way I had chugged the rest of my drink, I was going to need to walk that way soon enough.

I watched as his companion tried to get him on the dance floor. She tugged at his hands, but he refused to oblige. I giggled to myself. He hated dancing. Something she obviously hadn't figured out yet, which meant they couldn't have been seeing each other for long. I was honestly surprised he was even here. He hated these types of scenes. He liked going to shows, but the club scene was not his thing.

"What are you laughing about?" Kylie shouted over the music.

I turned back to her, brushing off the scene I had just witnessed. "Nothing." I was already buzzed. It was probably the prescription medication and alcohol combo that was making my body react so quickly.

You know that feeling when a song comes on that makes you feel like escaping to another reality? Well, it just happened. I could feel the notes fill my head, so I closed my eyes and felt the vibration in my toes. I needed to dance. Without asking, I grabbed Kylie's hand and pulled her onto the dance floor. She elbowed a couple of people to make room. I closed my eyes again and let the beat take me away to another place where my heart was uninhibited and my mind was still. A place where the only thing I could feel were the movements of my limbs and other bodies brushing up against me.

When a pair of arms latched on to my hip bones, I naturally opened my eyes, expecting to see Kylie. I was surprised when I locked eyes with a complete stranger. He was handsome, but he had invaded my personal space without permission and ruined my moment of freedom. I looked around for Kylie, but they had just shot out a burst of fog, so I couldn't see past the guy gripping me tighter. I was starting to feel claustrophobic, and I started panicking when the guy leaned in and started kissing my neck. I tried to push him away, but he was getting aggressive.

"Get off of me, asshole." We were too close for me to knee him in the dick. The more I struggled, the harder he held on. Suddenly, he was pried off of me. A sense of relief washed over me when I saw it was Dean, but I didn't know how to react. I was confused and upset. Kylie stood between us and grabbed my shoulders to get me to focus.

"Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Lenny. I lost you in the fog."

I was still trying to process what just happened and what it meant that Dean came to my rescue as he disappeared into the dissipating fog.

"Let's get out of here!" she bellowed angrily.

She made no effort this time to be nice about pushing through the crowd. She was pissed and letting everyone around her know it. I thought a few girls and guys were going to punch her, but the look in her eyes was enough to scare anyone out of her way. She threw open the glass door. The temperature change from a hot club to a chilly night sent chills racing through my body. I shivered and rubbed my shoulders to get warm.

"Well, that was an epic fail. What an asshole! Thank God Dean was there." She stopped short. "Okay, I suck tonight. Do you want to just go home?"

"Sure." We headed to her car.

"Lennox? Wait up."

I spun around to see Dean running to us. He was alone.

"I'm going to go get the car."

Kylie left as Dean reached me. This was one of those really peculiar moments, and I was unsure what to say or what to do with my hands, so I stayed quiet and continued to rub my arms. He stood equally as awkward.

"How are you?" he asked with a gleam in his eyes.

"I'm here, right?"

He had no idea how much weight that question actually held. He didn't know about my suicide attempt, and I didn't plan on telling him.

"I just haven't talked to you in a while." He dragged his foot back and forth against the asphalt.

"It goes both ways, you know?" I said softly. I had no desire to fight with him. I still loved him and wanted him back, but clearly he was moving on, too. Just without me.

"True."

Headlights lit up where we were standing as Kylie's car approached. "So, I guess I'll see you around," I said anxiously. I didn't want to say goodbye. I wanted him to grab me around the waist and kiss me, but he didn't.

"Yeah," he responded.

Lame.
I walked slowly to the passenger side giving him a chance to redeem the moment, but he did nothing. I let out a disappointed breath as I climbed in and slammed the door.

A blast of heat warmed my skin quickly as we drove away. He waved as we passed him. I rested my head back on the headrest and closed my eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about. We are both moving on." I knew she didn't buy it, but I didn't care. The night was a little more excitement than I had planned on for my first night out, so I just wanted to go home and go to bed. I didn't want to talk or think. I just wanted to sleep and start over in the morning. One day at a time, right?

For me, it was one minute at a time.

Present

Over the past eleven years of my life, I had survived by taking it one minute at a time and starting over every day from the moment I woke up. It was the only way. Then, Braedyn returned, and everything changed. I didn't need to think about surviving anymore. I just did it.