The Year of the Beasts (12 page)

“The water is rough,” Celina’s mom said. “Be careful.”

The girls put their blankets and towels down on the dock. They took out their slices of melon and ate. They heard the boys whooping and hollering before they saw them as they ran down the hill. Charlie swept Lulu up into his arms and covered her in kisses. At those kisses, Tessa looked over to Jasper’s woods. She wondered if he was there.

Lionel was there on the blanket next to her. He pinched her playfully. She responded the way she saw Lulu and Celina respond with their boys. She was tickled. She was coy. She was not at all like herself. She pretended it didn’t matter. Even though something felt hollow and wrong. Even though she longed for Jasper. Even though she did nothing about it.

The river rushed by them. They could see debris from the storm. They could see white-capped swirls.

“That storm was fierce,” Tessa said.

“The river looks strong,” Charlie said.

“Let’s jump in and check it out,” Celina said. Celina and Charlie jumped. Tony and Lionel jumped. The river sped them up, and they looked small down where they were. They stuck their hands up in the air. They waved.

Come in. Come in.

Come in. Come in.

Their arms were waving. They were so far down the river already. What a thrill!

The sun shone. The light made the river look silver.

“Let’s go!” Lulu said.

“Let’s go!” Tessa said.

Jumping.

Tessa went first.

Then Lulu jumped right after Tessa.

She jumped right in.

Tessa hit the water. Freezing. Cold. Loud. Surprising. There was a pulling at her legs. She was being pulled swiftly, now the houses blurred by her. She didn’t remember the river ever being this fast. She tried to use her arms, but they had never seemed so heavy. Strange. Usually water made her seem light not heavy. A force twirled her, so now she was facing down river. Up river. Down river. The green of the trees was impossible. The pulling made her go under and her nose was filled with water. Now her head was underwater. Now above. Now under. Now gasping, struggling. Not swimming. Just trying to keep her head above water.

Now being scratched. Now losing air.

She could only think of one thing.
Where is the shore? Where is the shore? Why is it so far away?

Tessa lifted her arms again. Tried to kick her feet. Nothing worked. Swimming just made her go deeper down.

Where am I?

Scared now. Now she was scared.

Underwater. Underwater. Underwater.

Nothing made sense. Fighting the water was exhausting. She was tired.
Sleepy.

The sun was turning hazy, filtered through the brown river water. Which way was up? Tessa didn’t know.

This does not make any sense.

Go to sleep. She heard voices. Voices singing to her to stop fighting. To stop swimming. To stop. Just stop.

They said to her, “You don’t have to try so hard. Just let go.”

Just float there. Just rest.

Tessa opened her mouth and there was only water and no air. She thought,
The water is so soft.

The first thing she saw were his eyes. Blue eyes. Jasper’s eyes. And they were wet. At first Tessa thought it was from the water. But then she realized that it was from tears.

She tried to talk. She was glad at first to see Jasper. She’d missed him so much, and she wanted to say she was sorry. Wanted to say she wanted things to be like they were before. She tried to lift her hand to touch his face. She wanted to ask him why he was crying. Couldn’t. Didn’t feel right. Felt weak. Scratched. She lifted her hand. Cupped his face. Smiled, because that was all she could do.

Sirens blared. Got closer.

“Don’t move,” he said. “Shhh. Don’t move.”

She was on the ground. Soaking wet and on the ground. Tessa turned her head. Celina was near her laying on the ground. There was blood on her. She was screaming. Charlie was standing up. His letter jacket was over his shoulders but his skin was blue. His bathing trunks shredded. He was shivering. Tony was by a tree. Hands over his face. Lionel was holding him tenderly.

“What’s happening?” Tessa said.

She began to shiver.

“She’s going into shock,” someone said.

Jasper wrapped her up in a towel. He rubbed her arms and legs. She felt warmer. There was something on her mind. A question she couldn’t form. Something was missing.

“Where is Lulu?” she asked.

There was silence. The doors slamming. Celina’s mother was screaming.

“Where is Lulu?” she asked again.

Walkie-talkies crackling. Firemen. Stretchers. Jasper holding her hand.

“Where is Lulu?” Now panicked. Now remembering how strong the water was. How it was not gentle, as it had been before. How the water had had its way with her. Had tried to beat her and made her slip under it over and over again. How it had pulled her faster than she had wanted to go.

“WHERE IS LULU?”

“LULU!”

“LULU!”

“LULU!”

Jasper hands cupped her hands. His forehead to her forehead.

“I couldn’t find her.”

“She was with me in the water.”

“We couldn’t find her.”

“She was right next to me in the water.”

“I only saw you. I only found you.”

And then he blinked. Those blue eyes looking at her.

And she looked back at him with all the parts in her that had been dragged under the water. The part that had her heart. The part that took Lulu. She looked at him and she didn’t have to use her words to tell Jasper that she wasn’t sorry anymore. That she didn’t want him in the woods, she only wanted Lulu out of the water.

The only thing she told him with her eyes was that she hated him.

But she hated herself more for still being alive.

chapter

eighteen

chapter

nineteen

Tessa didn’t know that
the most beautiful day of summer could be so dark. Even though the sun was out. Even though the sky was a shocking blue. Even though every flower had suddenly decided to bloom again. She wore black. Everyone wore black. Celina wasn’t there. She was in the hospital with a broken back. Her back broken. She would never walk again. And Lulu was laid out for all to see before she would be cremated and put in an urn.

It didn’t help that there were so many dragonflies and that someone once told her that dragonflies were the souls of the newly departed. Tessa didn’t believe that anything magical existed. If there was, then why would Lulu be dead? Why would she be alive?

Her mother was leaning against her father. He was holding her up. Tessa thought that she might sink to her knees and tear at the grass on the ground until it was all gone. She felt a rumbling inside her. Like there was the mouth of a monster in her belly waiting to swallow her up.

She listened as people said things about Lulu. She spoke words she didn’t remember writing. She sang along with the others to a song that Lulu used to listen to on repeat. She watched as they all walked back to their cars. She watched as they went back home and ate food and talked in hushed voices. She watched as they all left, no one really knowing what to say. Her mother in the living room, trying to find some music that would get her through the night. Her father cooking, because that was all he could think of to do.