The Young Bride (16 page)

Of course, said Modesto.

Do you remember the question, too? the count insisted.

Naturally, said Modesto.

In fact he didn't remember a damn thing, but he was a sensible man, he had read many books, and he sincerely wanted to help that father.

How long must I wait to know the reasons for your happiness and the purpose of your despair?

The count thanked him, handed him a moderate tip, and returned home to report. His daughter greeted the sought-after question with apparent calm. The next day she retired to a convent in the neighborhood of Basilea. (She must have written the singular
Handbook for Young Girls Asleep
, which had so much success, you know, in the years before the war. Published under a nom de plume—Hérodiade—it suggested daily spiritual exercises for young women who lacked appropriate intellectual guides or any moral vigor. As far as I remember, it set out daily precepts of a curious nature but easy execution. Things like eating only yellow foods, running instead of walking, always saying yes, talking to animals, sleeping naked, pretending to be pregnant, moving in slow motion, drinking every three minutes, putting on someone else's shoes, thinking out loud, shaving one's head, acting like a Friulian hen. It was hoped that each exercise would last twelve hours. The author intended those singular tasks to produce, in girls, the capacity for self-discipline and the pleasure of acquiring a certain independence of thought. I don't know if the results were equal to the expectations. I recall distinctly, however, that, shortly after becoming successful, the author gave birth to twins whom she called First and Second, stating that she had had them through the intercession of the Archangel Michael. (Obviously, pages like these, to the editor who in a few months will be dealing with them, will seem completely useless and sadly unhelpful to the progress of the story. With the usual politeness, he will suggest that I delete them. I already know that I won't, but as of now I can admit to being no more likely than he to be right. The fact is that some write books, others read them: God knows who is in the better position to understand something about them. Is the heart of a land given to those who see it for the first time with adult wonder or to those who are born there? No one knows. Everything I've learned, in that regard, can be summed up in a few lines. One writes as one would make love to a woman, but on a night with no light, in the most absolute darkness, and so without ever seeing her. Then, the next evening, those who happen by first will take her out to dinner, or dancing, or to the races, but understanding immediately that they won't even be able to touch her, much less take her to bed. Each one lacks a piece, and rarely is the spell disclosed. When in doubt, I tend to rely on my blindness and take at face value the memory of my skin. So now I will close four parentheses, and do so with tranquil confidence, lulled by this regional train that is carrying me south.)))) Voilà.

It goes without saying that, in that flurry of activity, attention to the English deliveries diminished, and, for their part, they had become less and less frequent, in a decline that no one, honestly, had known how to interpret. A pint of Irish beer arrived, it's true, but deliveries were erratic, since they then had to wait a good seven days for another package, of limited dimensions and questionable contents: when it was opened, a book was found, and a used book, besides. The majority barely noted its arrival and immediately forgot about it, but the young Bride didn't forget it, and without appearing to do so was able to retrieve it and keep it for herself, secretly. It wasn't just any book; it was
Don Quixote
.

For several days she kept it hidden in her room and her thoughts. Repeatedly she asked herself if, by reading it as a message meant for her, she didn't risk overestimating a joke of chance. With close attention she listened to her own heart. Then she asked the Father for a meeting and, having obtained it, appeared in his study at seven in the evening, when the tasks of the day were over and the traditional evening scramble was about to begin. She had dressed with care. She spoke meekly, but remained standing and uttered every word with great assurance. She asked permission not to go on the vacation, and to stay in the House, to wait. I'm sure, she said, that the Son is about to return.

The Father looked up from some papers he was putting in order and stared at her, surprised.

You want to stay alone in the house? he asked.

Yes.

The Father smiled.

No one stays in this house when we go on vacation, he said serenely.

Since the young Bride didn't move, the Father considered it necessary to resort to conclusive reasoning.

Not even Modesto stays in the house when we go on vacation, he said.

It was, objectively, an unassailable argument, and yet the young Bride didn't seem especially impressed.

It's that the Son is about to return, she said.

Really?

I think so.

How do you know?

I don't know. I feel it.

Feeling isn't much, my dear.

But sometimes it's everything, sir.

The Father looked at her. It wasn't the first time he'd seen that meek impudence in her, and he couldn't help being fascinated by it every time. It was an inconvenient trait, but he sensed in it the promise of a patient force that would be capable of living, head held high, any life. For that reason, as he looked at the young Bride, proud in her convictions, it seemed to him for a moment that it might be a good idea to tell her everything: to warn her that the Son had disappeared and to confess to her that he had no idea of how to resolve things. Then a suspicion that came from nowhere stopped him: that where his rational approach to the problem had failed, that girl's boundless intensity might be successful. In a moment of strange lucidity, he thought the Son might really return if only he allowed the girl to
truly
wait for him.

No one has ever stayed in this house when we go on vacation, he repeated, more to himself than to the young Bride.

Is it so important?

I think so.

Why?

In the repetition of actions we stop the world: it's like holding a child by the hand, so that he doesn't get lost.

Maybe he won't get lost. Maybe he just starts running a little, and is happy.

I wouldn't delude myself too much.

And then, after all, sooner or later he'll get lost, don't you think?

The Father thought of the Son, of the countless times he had held him by the hand.

Maybe, he said.

Why don't you trust me?

Because you are eighteen years old, signorina.

And so?

You still have a lot to learn, before you can think you're right.

You're joking, right?

I'm very serious.

You were twenty when you took a wife and a child that you didn't choose. Did someone tell you that you weren't old enough to do it?

The Father, caught off guard, made a vague gesture in the air.

That's another story, he said.

You think so?

The Father made another indecipherable gesture.

No, you don't think so, said the young Bride. You know that we are all immersed in a single story, which began a long time ago and isn't over yet.

Please sit down, signorina, it distresses me to see you standing there.

And he brought a hand to his heart.

The young Bride sat down facing him. She sought in herself a very calm, very sweet voice.

You don't think I can manage, by myself, in this house. But you have no idea how big and isolated that house in Argentina was. They left me there, for days. I wasn't afraid then, I couldn't be now, believe me. I'm only a girl, but I've crossed the ocean twice, and once I did it alone, to come here, knowing that, in doing it, I would kill my father. I seem like a girl, but I haven't been for a long time.

I know, said the Father.

Trust me.

That isn't the problem.

What is it, then?

I'm not used to trusting in the efficacy of the irrational.

I beg your pardon?

You want to stay here because you
feel
that the Son will arrive, right?

Yes.

I'm not used to making decisions on the basis of what one
feels
.

Maybe I didn't choose the right word.

Choose a better one.

I know it. I
know
that he'll return.

On the basis of what?

You think you know the Son?

The little that we're allowed to know our children. They are submerged continents, we see merely what is on the surface of the water.

But for me he's not a son, he's the man I love. Can you admit that I might know something more about him? I don't say
feel
, I say
know
.

It's possible.

Isn't that enough?

Like a flash, the suspicion that, if he just allowed that girl to
truly
wait for him, the Son would come back, returned to the Father.

He closed his eyes, and, resting his elbows on the desk, brought the palms of his hands to his face. He ran his fingertips over the wrinkles on his forehead. He remained like that for a long time. The young Bride said nothing: she waited. She was wondering what she could add, to bend that man's will. For a second she thought of talking to him about
Don Quixote
, but immediately realized that it would only complicate things. There was nothing else she could say, and now the only thing to do was wait.

The Father took his hands away from his face and settled himself placidly in the chair, leaning against the back.

As they certainly must have told you that day, in the city, he said, for years I've been grappling with a task that I chose and that, over time, I've learned to love. I'm striving to put the world in order, so to speak. I don't mean the entire world, obviously, I mean that small portion of the world that has been assigned to me.

He spoke with great tranquility, but searching for the words, one by one.

It's not an easy task, he said.

He took a letter opener from the desk, and began to twirl it in his fingers.

Lately I've been convinced that I will be able to complete this task only by making a gesture most of whose details will, unfortunately, not be under my control.

He looked up at the young Bride.

It's a gesture that has to do with dying, he said.

The young Bride didn't move a muscle.

So I often ask myself if I will be up to it, the Father continued. I have to keep in mind the fact that, for reasons I wouldn't know how to give a convincing explanation for, I find myself confronting this, like other tests, in complete solitude, or at least without the safe presence of some suitable person near me. It's a thing that can happen.

The young Bride nodded assent.

For this reason I'm wondering if it would not be too audacious, on my part, to go so far as to ask you a favor.

The young Bride raised her chin very slightly, without changing her gaze.

The Father put the letter opener on the table.

That day, when I find myself confronted by the need to make that gesture, would you be so kind as to be with me?

He said it coldly, as he might have pronounced the price of a fabric.

It's also possible, he added, that when that day arrives you won't be in this house, and in fact it's reasonable to think that I will have long since become accustomed to not to hearing about you. Yet I will know how to find you, and will send for you. I won't ask you anything in particular, it will be sufficient to have you near and to talk to you, to hear you speak. I know that I'll be in a hurry or have too much time ahead, on that day: will you promise to help me spend those hours, or those minutes, in the right way?

The young Bride laughed.

You're proposing a trade, she said.

Yes.

You'll leave me alone, in this house, if I promise to come to you, that day.

Exactly.

The young Bride laughed again, then she thought of something and became serious again.

Why me? she asked.

I don't know. But I
feel
it's right that way.

Then the young Bride shook her head, amused, and recalled that no one shuffles the cards better than a cardsharp.

All right, she said.

The Father made a slight bow.

All right, the young Bride repeated.

Yes, said the Father.

Then he got up, walked around the desk, went to the door, and before opening it turned.

Modesto won't appreciate it, he said.

He can stay, too, I'm sure he'd be happy to.

No, that's out of the question. If you want to stay, you'll stay alone.

All right.

Do you have a vague idea of what you'll do in all that time?

Of course. I'll wait for the Son.

Obviously, I'm sorry.

He stood there, without really knowing why. He had placed his hand on the doorknob, but he was still standing there.

Don't be afraid, he'll come back, said the young Bride.

 

By tradition they left in two honking cars. Nothing especially elegant, but the solemnity of the occasion required a certain display of grandeur. Habitually, Modesto said goodbye standing on the threshold of the entrance, even though he was ready to leave himself, his suitcase placed on the ground next to him: like any captain, he considered it his duty to be the last to abandon ship. That year, he found beside him the young Bride, and this because of the variation that the Father had announced concisely, at one of the last breakfasts, and that he had greeted without enthusiasm. The fact that it seemed to be the prelude to the return of the Son had helped him endure his irritation at the news.

So they stood on the threshold, stiffly, he and the young Bride, when the two cars set off, pistons sputtering, hands waving, and various cries. They were two fine automobiles, cream-colored. They went ten meters and stopped. They shifted into reverse and in a rather elaborate way backed up. The Mother jumped out with surprising agility and ran to the house. As she passed Modesto and the young Bride she hurriedly murmured three words.