She took his face in both her hands and then kissed him as though it was her child he’d just saved. Her body thrilled at the double rush of adrenaline and pure foolish, misguided love, her heart bursting with the ache. A dull kind of sickness spread through her as she realised what she had to do. What loving him meant.
She worshipped him with her mouth. Kissing him as though it was the very last time she ever would.
She was absolutely certain it would be.
‘O
KAY
, Lea?’ Reilly’s concerned eyes moved between her and the drenched road ahead.
Her misery doubled, but she faked a smile and a nod. ‘Just tired.’
The rain had started again when they were an hour out of Kununurra. Reilly’s battered old Land Rover was comfortable and solid, and he mastered it and the horse trailer with supreme confidence through the wet. Lea stared out into the darkness and let the rain drumming on the roof lull her into a half-sleep. She twisted against the ache in her body caused by two close encounters with a steel barrier.
Reilly’s eyes returned to the road.
How could she have done it? Not the kissing; that had just been pure gut-reaction. A release of endorphins and tension from their near miss. And God knew it was hard to regret something that felt that good. That right.
It was what lay behind the kissing that disturbed her. She’d been so terrified for Reilly, certain in that moment that she was going to lose another person that she…The sick feeling swelled back up. Another person she
loved
—love, not attraction. Not affection. The real McCoy.
She loved him despite his terrible cockiness, his fondness for taking charge, his long history of empty relationships. She loved him because of his essential goodness, his tenderness. His heartbreakingly beautiful smile.
She squeezed her eyes shut.
How could this happen? He’d forced her to sign over her child to him. He’d put conditions on the saving of Molly’s life. She’d resigned herself to that, had decided it was survivable, because of Molly. She would endure. Giving up the child was her price to pay.
Then he’d handed her the miracle she’d been waiting for—the chance to stay together. To be a family.
A deep hollowness opened up in her chest like a cavern collapsing. Pain rushed in to fill the void. She’d spent over twenty years waiting for her father’s love, trying to earn it, never being quite worthy. Could she really do the same for the rest of her life with the feelings she had for Reilly? Knowing he was only with her because she came as part of the family package?
Knowing she faced a lifetime of unreturned love?
It would eat her up. But if she didn’t stay…She pressed the heel of her hand to her left breast to stop her heart haemorrhaging.
‘Why don’t you try and get some sleep?’ Concerned, dark eyes were on her again.
He still worried about her, despite everything she’d done to him. Everything she’d said at New Year. He was a good man with so much to offer a child, the right woman, no matter what hurdles she set up in front of him. Reilly deserved his chance at fatherhood. She couldn’t bear the idea of banishing him to the place he feared the most: a life of loneliness. He’d spent his one chance of fatherhood on saving Molly. Which meant she just couldn’t keep the baby she was carrying. His baby.
The haemorrhage widened out to become a swollen ache in her chest. She pressed harder. They had a contract. More importantly, she could never bring herself to do that to him.
The ache moved south into her gut. Her hand slid to her belly. But that meant giving birth to this little life and then handing it over, pretending it had never existed. Could she wind back the clock nine months? Go back to how it was before she’d driven down Minamurra’s long, tree-lined driveway?
Just mother and daughter. Except Molly would be robust and healthy, whereas she…
She would never be quite whole again.
But she would survive. She always did. She took a deep breath, knowing what had to be done.
‘Reilly?’
He looked at her. Those brown eyes ate into her resolve like acid. This was the best way. A tiny hint of sweat broke out on her skin. ‘What happened tonight…’
‘Lea, that never should have happened. There’ll be a formal investigation. Rodeo’s not normally like that.’
His unexpected response dented her momentum. She blinked.
He took his focus from the road to glance at her speculatively. ‘But that’s not what we’re talking about?’
The guarded expression in his eyes hit her low and hard. She squirmed against the sensation. ‘No.’
‘You’re talking about the kiss?’
Close enough. It was somewhere to start. She’d kissed him as though they were making love on horseback. ‘I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t fair.’
‘On who? Did you hear me complaining?’
No, he hadn’t complained. He’d kissed her back as if she were pure oxygen. Her voice cracked. ‘You’re a good person, Reilly. I don’t want to end up hurting you. Hating you.’
His hands stiffened on the steering wheel. ‘Why would you do that?’
The windscreen wipers swished back and forth in time with her pulse. She winced as a pang of regret stabbed through her, low and hard. ‘I can’t do it, Reilly. I can’t stay for ever.’ She saw his face grey in front of her. ‘I need to leave once the baby’s born.’
A muscle ticked high in his jaw. ‘We had an agreement.’
‘I’ll honour the contract.’
‘Forget the contract.’ He slammed the steering wheel in frustration. ‘I thought we’d agreed, between us, that you would stay. You thought about it long enough.’
‘I didn’t…’
know I loved you then
‘…think the ramifications through.’
Poisoned pain spat from his eyes. ‘Seems to be the story of
your life, Lea. Now you’re wanting out of a relationship after just a few weeks.’
Hurt slashed through her. ‘It’s not a relationship, Reilly, it’s an arrangement. Don’t you want more?’
Brown eyes blazed. ‘Damn right I want more. But we don’t always get what we want.’
The truth of that stabbed her sharply. Twice. In close succession. Lea frowned. ‘Reilly…’
‘You’re running from this because you’re afraid you don’t know how to
be
a family, Lea. You’ve isolated yourself for so long.’
Her frown grew into a wince as more pain sliced across her abdomen. Only part of it was her heart rupturing. Her hand curled around the door handle.
No…
‘Reilly…’
‘I’m prepared to put up with a lot, Lea, in the interests of our children having a proper family. But I’m not going to beg.’
‘Reilly!’
Her sharp tone finally got his attention. His mouth snapped shut and he glared at her. She took a deep breath and spoke with a shaky voice. ‘I think I’m in labour.’
The anger fell from his face along with all the blood. ‘But it’s too soon.’
Lea pushed herself up off the seat to ease another spasm. It was all very familiar. Molly had started this way, except weeks later in the pregnancy. Her heart pounded. ‘Thank you for pointing out the obvious. Shall I convince him to go back in?’
Reilly cursed and then swung the vehicle and horse trailer to the side of the road. He turned back to her immediately, reaching for his satellite phone. ‘You’ll be okay, Lea. We’re closer to the hospital here than if you’d gone into labour at Minamurra.’
The quiet confidence in his voice reassured her momentarily. Then another spasm ripped through her belly. She groaned. It shouldn’t be that soon.
‘Please, no…’
Her whispered plea filled the car. They both knew the consequences if anything went wrong with this pregnancy: no baby, no stem cells.
No stem cells, no Molly.
No Molly
. A tiny voice whispered through that terrible fear; no Molly, and there would be no reason in the world for Reilly and Lea to remain in each other’s lives.
‘Ambulance, please,’ Reilly barked into the phone, never taking his eyes off Lea. ‘Hurry.’
Lea forced back tears. How did a woman who thought she had nothing suddenly find herself with so much to lose?
He drove back towards Kununurra like he was leading a stampede. They met the ambulance halfway; the paramedics transferred Lea into it immediately and assessed her condition.
It was definitely labour. Six weeks early.
They admitted Lea to hospital, doubled over with pain and wet, alone and frightened. Reilly had fallen behind the racing ambulance in the rain, pulling a trailer, but she was sure he would come. Despite everything.
He would come.
‘Is there anyone we can call, Ms Curran?’ The receiving nurse noted her near-hysterical condition. Lea gave them Dr Koek’s number and Anna’s. She could really use one of her sisters now. Maybe both.
‘Our staff are aware of the need to preserve your cord and placenta,’ the nurse told her efficiently, still filling out admission information. ‘Our lab has been sent the equipment we need and, um, we’re just getting it all set up. We weren’t expecting you this soon.’
Oh, God
. ‘The baby?’ Lea whimpered.
‘Is early but not critically so. Premature bubs do really well these days, don’t worry.’ She seemed so sure. But six weeks…The nurse scribbled more information on the clipboard as they wheeled Lea straight through to Emergency. ‘Did you sustain an injury in the past few days? A knock to the baby?’
Lea stared. The barrier fence. The child. The blonde woman. They’d all slammed into her. ‘Today? A child was—’
The nurse cut her off, not caring for details. ‘What kind of injury? Fall? Impact?’
‘Impact?’ Lea stuttered. Had she hurt her baby leaping into Reilly’s arms? Only hours ago she’d selfishly wished the baby would come early.
Oh, God…
‘Lea.’
Relief washed through her. She twisted around. ‘Reilly.’
He was crouched by her side in a moment. The passing nurses looked enviously at the handsome man racing to his love’s side.
If only they knew
.
‘What’s going on?’ Reilly’s imperious request got much more response than her own whispered questions. He was back by her ear in moments. ‘They’re preparing Theatre just in case, Lea. And the lab, for the stem cells. But they’re going to try and stop the labour.’
‘Molly?’
‘Mrs Dawes is going to sit with her all night. She’s asleep. She’s fine.’
Tears welled on her lashes. She gripped his hand. ‘It’s too early, Reilly.’
He didn’t waste his breath with platitudes. ‘I know.’
‘I didn’t mean to hurt the baby.’ The tears spilled over.
‘Shh.’ He kissed her forehead. ‘I know.’
‘What I said, in the car…’ The last syllable was elongated as a contraction hit Lea square in the mid-section. She doubled over on a moan. Reilly held her through it, looking about helplessly for someone to come and help. Despite the pain, she grabbed his chin and pulled his eyes back to hers.
‘I need you to know.’ Her voice was tight. ‘I will honour our agreement. Even though I’m not staying. I want you to take the baby, Reilly.’
‘Lea…’
She clutched his fingers. ‘We had an agreement.’
Confusion and disbelief wracked his beautiful face. ‘You would give up your child rather than be with me?’
‘You say that like it’s an easy choice. I
can’t
stay with you, Reilly. I don’t want to end up hating you.’
Because you can’t love me back
.
Her heart wrenched with spasms as painful as her labour. Tears began to flow.
‘Don’t try and talk, Lea. Just tell me one thing—one word; I know you won’t lie.’ He swallowed and brushed strands of damp hair back from her face, talking thickly. ‘Could you love me? In time?’
Every thread in every muscle of her body screamed at her to say yes. Independent of her will, they started coordinating themselves in a series of microscopic contractions that forced her lips into the right shape for a ‘yes’. She forced them closed as yet another lightning bolt of pain ripped through her. She bared her teeth in a savage snarl that was about so much more than being in labour.
If she said yes he’d only persuade her, charm her, seduce her into compliance. He’d promise her anything if it meant having the family he so desperately wanted. And, stupid fool that she was, she’d believe him. Until next time something happened to remind her that she was in this alone. That her love was onesided. Sacrificing herself to a loveless marriage would only lead her to resent Reilly. And Molly. And the new baby. Pain flowed down her cheeks.
She couldn’t lie. And she couldn’t tell him the truth. She turned her streaming eyes to his.
I love you with everything in me
. ‘You’re getting the baby, Reilly. That has to be enough. I’m so sorry.’
He stumbled to his feet, ashen.
Out of nowhere, nursing staff swarmed in and pulled Lea away and down the corridor. Others followed her with machines on wheels. ‘You’ll need to wait here,’ one of them told him gently. And then Lea was gone.
Reilly’s world spun around him.
I’m so sorry…
Sorry that she couldn’t imagine herself loving him, even for the sake of her children? She’d give up a baby rather than be with him? His gut ached like he was sharing the pain of her labour, the physical price of bringing their baby into the world.
He would gladly take it on, and more, if it spared Lea the agony he’d seen in her eyes.
I want you to take the baby…
Hurt and anger mixed in an excruciating alchemy, bubbled up in his blood, drove him out into the ambulance receiving-area. He swore. He never should have pressured Lea to stay. She wasn’t ready. He’d pushed too hard, consumed with his dream to have a picture-book family, to give his children the upbringing he’d never had: a father and mother around all the time, a happy, stable family home. He’d forced her hand using the baby as bait.
Exactly like his mother had with his father.
The pain froze his breath. A siren wailed somewhere in the night. Icy awareness rattled through him and he grabbed the edge of the still-warm ambulance for support.
Adele Martin had manipulated her husband into a lifetime together. Her son had done the same with Lea. His heart pitched and he struggled for breath.
He was made in his mother’s image.
Kevin Martin had loved Adele secretly for years. He’d gone willingly, blindly, into their marriage only to discover one person’s love couldn’t sustain them both. Eventually, he’d turned numb just to survive. He would go to his grave knowing the woman he loved had never truly loved him. He was living his long, miserable life that way.
Reilly closed his eyes and rested his forehead on the ambulance.