Then They Came For Me (31 page)

“Hello, dear, how are you?” He sounded relaxed as he spoke. “I’m so sorry,
azizam
, my dear, you know that I’ve been busy.… I know it’s the anniversary of our marriage.” Rosewater squeezed my ear harder. I started to moan. “Shut up!” he yelled at me and then calmly told his wife, “I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it tonight, but I’m going to be finished with this guy very soon.” He let go of my ear and punched me in the head. “And I will make sure we have a nice celebration together. Now I have to go.”

After he hung up, he slapped me on the back of my head a few times.
“Zendegi baraam nazashti,”
he screamed. “You’ve ruined my personal life. You little Jew lover! Why didn’t you tell me that you made films about the Jews?!” Rosewater roared as he repeatedly punched me in the head. He placed a printout of my interview with the International Documentary Festival Amsterdam on my chair. “Why didn’t you tell us that you’ve cooperated with the Jews? Who gave you the money?! Tell me!”

Rosewater continued to slap and punch my head. It was as if by doing that he could rid me of my sympathies for Jewish people. He finally pushed me to the floor and kicked my back and legs.

“Tell me which agency you work for! If you don’t tell me, I will let you rot here. I will put your bones in a bag and throw it at your mother’s doorstep. You Zionist spy!”

·   ·   ·

In my cell that night, I woke up with my head pounding. I reached for the three sleeping pills and four migraine tablets I’d hidden under the green carpet. We could see the prison doctor twice a week. He had allowed me to take a migraine pill only when I was in pain, but sometimes I pretended to be suffering so that I would have enough pills for when I needed them. I knew it was dangerous to take them all at the same time, but the pain was so bad it felt like my head was going to explode.
So what if it was dangerous? I wanted to end the pain. I’d do anything to end the pain.

I went to sleep immediately, but within minutes a prison guard woke me up so I could use the toilet before morning prayers. After he led me back to my cell, I lay down and tried to go back to sleep. I pushed the carpet aside and put my throbbing temple on the cold tiles. I fell asleep within a few seconds.

Two women approached me. Their skin was tanned and smooth, their faces kind and beautiful. They were smiling at me the same way Maryam often had. They came to me from an endless white background. We were in an open space with no horizon. I watched their long dark hair blowing around their faces. I could feel the cool breeze on my skin. I was floating just above the ground, still suffering from my migraine, but their smiles soothed my anguish and pain.

Then they were at my side, lovingly touching my forehead with their cool, soft hands. After months with no human contact other than Rosewater’s beatings, their touch felt like balm on my skin. They helped me stand and led me gently toward a white bed in the endless white background. I was floating in the air. Their hands remained on my forehead and soothed my pain. I felt safe on the bed because I had them at my side.

“Who are you?” I asked the women.

“Sisters of mercy,” they answered.

“Like Leonard Cohen’s ‘Sisters of Mercy’?” I asked with a smile.

As I said those words, I heard a voice. It was Leonard Cohen singing one of the most beautiful songs ever written.

I don’t know how long the dream lasted, but I didn’t want it to end. I knew what emotions awaited me when I woke up—the fear, the shame, the hatred—and I wanted this feeling to last forever. I felt better. I felt safe. And, though only in my dream, I once again felt free.

·   ·   ·

One day, I overheard a conversation between a female guard and a woman who sounded American.

“Roosari, roosari,”
the guard kept telling the prisoner. “Head scarf, head scarf.”

Later on, I heard a male American voice in the hallway. “Can I use the bathroom?” the American prisoner asked in English.

“Yes, yes, yes,” the guard answered, clearly not understanding what the prisoner was saying.

“Sir, I need to use the bathroom,” the prisoner repeated desperately.

“Yes, yes,” the guard said.

I wanted to help.

“He needs to use the
mostarah
—the toilet,” I told the guard. “I can translate for you two, if you’d like.”

“I can’t let you do that,” the guard answered. “He and two others are the directors of the CIA in Iran.”

I knew that this couldn’t be true, and it was only after I was released that I found out that the American voices belonged to two of the three young American hikers who were arrested in late July 2009 on the border between Iran and Iraq. But the experience really shook me. Other than the few conversations I’d had with my mother, I hadn’t heard a female voice in what felt like ages, and it made me think of Maryam more than ever.

I also began to think that the Iranian government had started a new stage in its war against opposition activists and their foreign supporters—possibly arresting some foreigners in the country, simply for being foreign. Having no contact with the outside world, I fought not to imagine the worst.

At times, alone in my cell for days, I became terrified that I was going crazy. My conversations with Maryam and my father were becoming more frequent and made less sense. I started to have nightmares about the bruised soles of Maryam’s feet after her lashings and my father’s broken, bloodied nails.

It was the pen that saved me. I had stolen it during an interrogation session. When Rosewater had briefly left the room, I’d slipped the pen into the waistband of my uniform. I had heard that if you had a pen in your cell, you would be punished, but I didn’t know what the punishment was, and I didn’t care.

A day or two after I stole the pen, Rosewater suspended my
hava khori
privileges in order to punish me for my refusal to name names. For almost a month, I was allowed to leave the cell only three times a day, during the times of prayer, to go to the bathroom. The pen became my closest, and only, friend. At night, when I knew the guards were asleep, I would design crossword puzzles on the wall and on the floor under the carpet; I had first developed the skill while sitting through boring classes in high school. It surprised me that I could still do it, and, desperate for some diversion from my loneliness, I would create puzzles for hours—first in Persian, then in English. I further challenged myself by making the puzzles more difficult, designing them around certain themes and subjects: politics, history, pop music, and geography. I couldn’t believe my good fortune when one day the plastic cups we had previously been given with our meals were replaced by paper ones. I’d drain the water from each cup, then carefully unglue it and lay it out to dry. At the end of the day, after the paper was covered in crossword puzzles, I would shred it into small pieces, form tiny balls,
and play a solitary game of basketball. I’d designate one of the tiles of the faux marble wall as the net, and try to hit that tile with the paper balls. I was so distracted by my puzzles and basketball games that I hardly noticed that Ramadan had begun and I had not seen Rosewater for two weeks.

I had survived. At least for now.

·   ·   ·

On the second day of Ramadan, I was transferred again, to a smaller, windowless cell. Eventually they reinstated my
hava khori
sessions, and I was able to walk in the courtyard for fifteen minutes every three or four days. Twice I was allowed to call my mother. Before the guard grabbed the phone from my hand each time, she told me that Nikbakht, the lawyer she had hired, was still trying to see me. I prayed that this was true, and during the day, as I exercised on the floor and jogged around Regent’s Park with Paola, I attempted to convince myself that they wouldn’t really execute me. The Islamic government was irresponsible and stubborn, but it was not yet lawless. For a high-profile case like mine, the judges would at least pretend to observe legal procedures. If they were going to kill me, they would at least allow me to see my lawyer before passing a sentence.

“I hope you’re right,” my father said to me that night, as I tried to stretch the ache from my legs and back. “Time will tell.”

·   ·   ·

From the day I’d arrived in Evin, I’d feared spending the month of Ramadan there. As a nonreligious person, I didn’t know how I’d withstand the experience of not being able to eat all day. Maryam had told me about prisoners being punished for eating during Ramadan while she was in jail, but to my surprise, on the first day of Ramadan, Brown Sandals came to ask me my
plans: Would I be fasting or did I have a medical excuse to exempt me?

“I’ve had ulcers in the past,” I quickly replied. “I’d like to fast, but doing so usually makes them worse.”

He accepted my excuse without asking questions, and I felt an enormous sense of relief when breakfast, lunch, and dinner were delivered to my cell that day at the normal hours.

Ramadan is the month when Allah gives his servants the opportunity to repent and carry out good deeds, for which he bestows multiple rewards. As Muslim scholars explain, fasting during Ramadan doesn’t only mean not eating; it also includes refraining from anything that is not in line with praising Allah. Muslims are expected to have only clean thoughts and engage only in chaste deeds during Ramadan. They should also avoid using profanities and obscene gestures, which is why I was partly confused—and wholly horrified—by the turn of events that occurred on the third day of Ramadan, when Rosewater finally called me back to his interrogation room. After his failure to connect me with the reformists, foreign intelligence agencies, or the Jews, I was not sure what Rosewater’s modus operandi would be the next time I saw him. He greeted me by placing a thick pink folder on my chair.

“Chetori, gherti?”
he said, asking me how I was doing while also referring to me with a derogatory term for a superficial person who thinks only about fashion and his or her appearance. “Do you know what’s in this folder?” he asked, slapping the back of my head. Since it is also a rule that during Ramadan Muslims must refrain from fighting, I’d been hoping that these sessions would take place without their typical violence. I was wrong. “This is the documentation of all your dirty, improper conducts.”

He opened the folder and showed me its contents. There were printouts of hundreds of my email messages and the Facebook pages of different friends, as well as a long list of the
names of people I knew, in messy handwriting. They were all women.

“Do you think you can get away with
kardan
”—with fucking—“any woman you want,
gherti
?” He sat on the table in front of me. “I want you to go through this list of women and point out to me which ones you screwed. Then you will tell me how much you paid each woman for doing her.”

If he hadn’t been hitting the back of my head, I wouldn’t have been sure whether or not he was serious. “No, sir. You have it wrong. These are not girlfriends. These are just women I know professionally, and some who have added me on Facebook, some of whom I’ve never even met.”

“Oh, really?” Rosewater said. “Why don’t you have the name of my aunt here?”

“I’m really not sure what you’re getting at, sir,” I somehow found the courage to say. “Did you arrest me for improper relationships or the other charges you’ve brought against me?”

“What did you say?” He kicked my leg. “We’re getting really cheeky here, aren’t we? Do you think that because you haven’t been executed yet, our plans are to leave you alone? Well, my friend, let me explain. This is what we’ve decided: you’re not only a spy but also a
mofsed fel arz
.”

I had always dreaded that expression, which means “someone who corrupts the earth.” Corruption can be by means of actions or thoughts, and can include anything the Islamic regime deems unsavory. Thousands of people have been executed for this charge since the establishment of the Islamic Republic.

The surprise I’d felt at Rosewater’s stupidity turned to fear. While I knew he didn’t have any evidence that I had engaged in espionage or acted against national security, I had had premarital relationships, and it wouldn’t have been too difficult to find the names of my previous girlfriends. I decided to answer absurdity with absurdity. “Sir, I’ve only had a relationship with one woman in my whole life,” I said. “And that is my wife.”

“Who is this, then?” Rosewater asked as he started playing a video behind me.

I heard Paola’s voice. “No, no,” she was saying.

I realized what the video was. I’d recently bought a cheap laptop in London and had wanted to test the camera. I’d filmed Paola, who was having a bad-hair day, without her knowledge. When she realized I was filming her, she covered her face with her hands. “No, no,” she said, trying to duck behind me and out of view of the camera. The sight of Paola in our flat in London nearly brought me to my knees. I missed her so much. I held back my tears, as well as my anger at Rosewater for even looking at Paola.

“That’s my wife, sir,” I managed to say. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t look at my private videos.”

I felt his knee hit me hard in the small of my back. “I do whatever I want. Don’t ever raise your voice again.” He sat heavily on a chair and played the video of Paola again, from the beginning. When it finished, he replayed it once more. I could tell by the tone of his voice, and his slow, steady breath, that he was enjoying watching my unveiled beautiful blond wife in a private moment.

“This is not your wife,” he kept saying. “I’m going to watch it again. You take a look at that list of names in the folder.” I breathed as slowly as I could, trying to fight the nausea settling in my throat, as Rosewater slid his chair closer to the video.

“Now, as I said. We are going to go through the names one by one. Begin by telling me how and where you met each woman,” Rosewater said. Of course, I didn’t even recognize many of the names on the list, but Rosewater wasn’t buying that. Every time I wrote next to a name that I didn’t know a particular woman, he responded by slapping me.