Therapy (16 page)

Now it’s out there and she knows I’m no longer in friend territory. Before she has time to say anything, I take her hand in mine and boldly ask her to come in.

“My mom is still at the country club. That’s where my going away party was. She usually stays until close. Come inside with me. I just want to spend time with you before I leave tomorrow. I feel like I’ll never see you again once I leave,” I say, looking deep into her stunning eyes as I reach over and intertwine my fingers with hers.

“Okay,” she replies, and I want to pump my fist in the air I’m so happy.

Once we get up to my room and I put on some music, I don’t waste any time. I look at her, feeling a raw, deep-seated desire like I’ve never felt before. My alcohol-induced haze lifts in a rush, and I take in just how beautiful she is—perfectly petite with swimmer’s curves and tone. She’s looking back at me with the innocence of an untouched girl, and all I see is a girl that’s mine. Right now, she seems so fragile, so pure. I step toward her and everything in the room falls away. It’s just me and her, nothing else. My heart’s pounding and my blood is rushing through my veins fiercely. I stop only inches from her body and lean in, putting my mouth close to her full, pouty lips. I can feel her warm, rapid breaths on my face. Nothing can beat this moment for me. I’ve wanted to kiss her again countless times without guilt or trepidation.

“Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to kiss these lips?” I whisper, never taking my eyes off of hers.

She sucks in a breath and closes her eyes. I reach up and brush her lower lip with the pad of my thumb, tracing her softness with my skin and my eyes. My gaze lingers there until the need I feel threatens to consume me with every second that passes. I need her mouth on mine.

“I’m going to kiss you now, Jess,” I murmur, letting her know I’m not stopping myself this time. “I’m going to kiss you like no one has ever kissed you before.”

I lean forward and close the tiny space between us, just barely brushing my lips against hers.

“Jess, after I kiss you, which I’m going to do real soon, I’m going to lay you down on my bed and make love to you like no one else ever has,” I tell her, making my intentions clear and leaving no doubt about how much I want her.

Her body tenses at my words and nervousness flits across her face. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip and her green eyes fill with heat and passion. My confidence starts to mingle with fear because I’m realizing that I’m about to make love for the first time in my life. Sex is one thing, but love...well, love brings things to a whole new level. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time.

Calm the hell down, Jace.

Don’t screw this up.

I slide my hand around the base of her neck and brush my lips against hers, savoring the kiss before it turns desperate. My tongue glides against hers and I feel her body tremble as I pull her in closer.

I want more.

I want to feel her skin against mine. I want to touch it, memorize every inch of her before I leave tomorrow. I pull away briefly and back her up toward the bed. She tries to speak, but I stop her.

“Shhh, Jessica,” I say, drawing out her full name. “Lie down on the bed,” I tell her firmly.

She’s standing against the bed frozen and unsure. I reach down, gripping my shirt and pulling it up over my head. I slowly unbutton my jeans as her eyes follow all my movements. My jeans fall around my ankles and I tell her again, “Lie down, Jess.”

She doesn’t say a word, but does exactly as I told her. Her eyes are wide and her cheeks are flushed. I can see the rapid rise and fall of her chest and I know she realizes that I’m not stopping tonight. Crawling onto the bed above her, I hold my weight with my arms just close enough to feel her breasts brush against my chest.

I roll next to her and prop myself up on one elbow, tracing my finger over her soft lips, down over her chin, then neck, and finally, slowly, between her breasts. My bulge stiffens to a painful length as I watch her nipples grow taut under the thin fabric of her shirt. I want to feel her, to take her funny T-shirt off and feel her soft skin under mine.

I whisper to her, and can hear the love and lust dripping from my words.

Her eyes squeeze shut, concealing the want in them, as I run my hand beneath her shirt, gently kissing her on the cheek.

“It’s okay, Jess. Just let me make you feel good; let me love you,” I tell her. With that, her body relaxes into my touch.

I love you.

You love me too, Jessica.

I drag my fingers across the top of her bra, grazing her nipples, and she gasps. Her responsiveness nearly breaks me apart. I reach around with one hand, unclasping her bra and releasing the heaviness of her breasts. I slowly pull her shirt over her head and she reaches out to grasp my shoulders, digging her fingernails into my skin. My hands glide down and unbutton her shorts. I gradually pull them down, revealing her smooth olive skin, which contrasts perfectly with the little white bikini panties she’s wearing. The sight of her makes my heart thump even harder in my chest. Her eyes meet mine just as I run my fingers beneath the thin, white fabric. She looks worried, maybe frightened, and her body tenses. I don’t know why she’s freezing up on me, but then I see the scars. So many of them lined all along the area above her pelvic bone. My eyes dart back to hers, searching for answers to questions I don’t even know how to ask. I brush my fingers across the scar tissue, wondering who did this to her and why. It breaks my heart. When I don’t say anything she looks relieved. I lean down and press a kiss against her warm skin, tracing each scar with my lips to show her how I wish I could kiss the pain away for her.

I’ll fix you, Jess.

Let me make it better.

I grip her hips as I slide my tongue along the curve of her inner thigh—I can’t wait any longer to taste her.

The scent of her arousal drives me crazy as I dip my head to the wet heat between her thighs. My hands slide up and down her body, taking in every damn inch of her. I bring my hand down to explore her before sliding one, then two fingers inside her. She tightens around them, and it feels so good, too good. Fuck, I’ve never been this turned-on in my life. I need to be inside her, join my body with hers, and make her mine. I curl my fingers up, bringing her closer to the edge before sliding them out. I don’t want her to come on my hand; I want that to happen when I’m buried deep inside of her. She whimpers as I begin trailing kisses up her body slowly and deliberately. I allow my weight to press onto her as I lick her taste from my lips. She blushes, seeing her wetness on my face, and I lick my lips again giving her a wicked grin.

“Good, Jess. So damn good,” I say before dropping my mouth heavily on hers. I pour every ounce of my heart and soul into this kiss as I remove my boxers. I can feel her entire body shake with nerves and I can’t wait to feel the heat of her wrapped around me when I push inside her for the first time. I move her legs apart with my knee just as I realize that the only condoms I have are in my truck.

Dammit! Please let her be on birth control.

“Jess, are you on the pill?” I ask as I search her eyes and hope to God she says yes so I don’t have to stop myself. She nods and relief washes over me. I grip my fingers around her waist and slowly press my body between her thighs.

Incredible.

Her moans, her heat, her hands on me, my hands on her, the feel of her; everything about this moment has me on the edge. I lean down and capture her nipple between my lips, grazing it with my teeth. She pushes her hips up, wanting more, as she moans.

This girl...oh my God, this girl.

I look up at her and ask her to open her eyes. I want to watch her as I make love to her for the first time. I want her to feel me and know that this is different from anyone else she’s ever been with.

“Open your eyes, Jess.” Her eyes flutter open and meet mine as a charge of energy hums between us.

Silky, black hair is fanned out all around her face, and, in this moment, she is the sexiest girl I’ve ever set eyes on. Staring at her as if she were the last girl on earth, I thrust into her slowly, deeply. A moan escapes her throat and I circle my hips to give her as much pleasure as I can, not caring about my own. Her eyes are wide and glossy before she squeezes them shut again. Desire overwhelms us both, and I pump faster as she throws her head back in ecstasy. It makes me crazy—I need more of her. I lean down and kiss her, dragging my teeth along her bottom lip, nipping and sucking it into my mouth. My body moves in an unrestrained rhythm and she meets me thrust for thrust. Pent-up breaths and moans pass through her lips as her breathing increases. The sounds she’s making will forever be music to my ears. Our bare skin, slick with sweat, slides against one another and everything in my mind goes foggy as her warmth clenches tight around me. She’s getting close. Knowing this, knowing that I’m the one making her feel so good has me close, so close. The softness of her skin and the roughness of her nipples grazing my chest ignite all of my senses, making my body tingle. My heart is slamming into my ribcage as I rock back and forth harder. Her legs clench around my waist and she unravels beneath me, crying out my name. Watching her lose control is the most beautiful and amazing sight I’ve ever seen.

“Jace... Oh God, Jace.”

I’ve had sex many times, but this is different. Watching her come completely undone sends a need to claim her all the way up my spine. Looking down at her writhing beneath me, I’m lost, completely lost in her. I’m hers in this moment and all those that will follow. I drop my full weight upon her and thrust deeper, burying my face in her hair and inhaling the scent of shampoo and lust and love—inhaling Jess. Finally, my body finds its release and I’m overtaken, completely and irrevocably overtaken by Jessica Alexander.

“Missing someone you love never gets easier. Those that say it does have never truly loved.”

—Kathryn Perez

HEARING THE PAIN in her voice when she hung up on me was terrible. I feel like my chest has been ripped open and my heart’s fallen at my feet. It’s been two weeks since that phone call, since I was a total asshole to her. I can’t believe she just broke things off like that. It doesn’t make any damn sense at all. I’ve called her a hundred times, sent multiple text messages, and...nothing. I can’t go home for two more weeks because of this damn football camp, but when I do I plan on going to her house and begging her to forgive me and take me back. I miss her so damn much. A football hits me in the chest unexpectedly, knocking me out of my daydream.

“Hey, man, are you still pining away over your girl? There’s a big frat party tonight. Are you coming or are you moping?” my roommate asks.

Trent is a big, burly guy. He’s a linebacker on the team and he’s a brick with big, broad shoulders and enormous traps. He practically lives in the gym.

“Nah, bro, I don’t much feel like going to a party. I’m just going to hang out here.”

“Whatever, man. Your loss. These are the only college years you’re going to have. Piss them away if you want. Chicks aren’t worth it. That’s why I walk the single line. I let them know right off the bat that I’m not looking for anything serious. You may want to consider doing the same. Otherwise, this room is going to get pretty damn boring after a while.”

“I love her. I can’t just let it go. I screwed up and I have to fix it. Going out and getting trashed isn’t going to make things any better. She’s mad, but she’ll come around. She has to.”

“Suit yourself, dude.”

He gets ready and leaves for the party while I sit here going stir crazy. I send her another text—even though I know it’s pointless, but it’s my only connection to her right now.

Jace:
Please call me. I hate this. Please talk to me. I’m coming home in two weeks and I’m coming to see you so we can work this out. I’m so sorry for being such an ass. Please don’t shut me out. I miss you, Jess
.

I wait and wait for a reply, but as usual, there’s nothing. I throw the football across the room in anger and grab my iPod. I put my headphones on and turn the music up as loud as it will go. I lay here for what seems like forever until I fall asleep. I wake up to a rattling and banging noise only to see Trent falling drunkenly through the door with an equally drunk girl on his arm.

Great, now I get to listen to them grope each other.

Screw that, I’m out of here until he’s done with her.

“Room’s all yours, man. Just stay off my bed. That’s all I ask,” I tell him, grabbing my ball cap and cell phone.

I walk through the dorm hallways and pass by several groups of people that were obviously out having a way better time than I did tonight. I head out to my truck with no idea where I’m going. I just want to fast forward to two weeks from now so I can go home.

I wake up full of nervous excitement knowing that today I’m driving home. I know it won’t be easy, but I have to convince Jess to forgive me.

“Take it easy, man. Good luck with your girl. I still think you should rethink the relationship shit, though.”

“Thanks, man. When I come back I’ll be in a better mood. I may even go to one of those parties with you. I’ll see if Jess will come up to go with us.”

“Sure, man. Whatever you say. Drive safe.”

The drive feels like it takes more like a thousand hours rather than a few. When I pull into town, I go straight to Jess’s house before I even go home. Her car isn’t in the driveway.

Shit!

I still get out and go to the door so her mom can let her know I was here. She’ll get that I’m serious and call me. Shortly after I knock, her mom swings the door open. She’s wearing pajamas in the middle of the day and she looks like hell.

“Hi, Mrs. Alexander. Will Jessica be home anytime soon?”

“She’s gone, sweetie,” she mumbles, and her words, coupled with the smell of alcohol, hit me like a ton of bricks.

“Yes, ma’am, I see her car isn’t here. When will she be back?”

“She ain’t coming back, sweetie. Can’t tell you where she went either. My daughter hasn’t ever asked much from me, but she made me promise not to say a word about where she went if a good-looking young man such as yourself came looking for her. All I can tell you is that she moved out two days ago.”

I shake my head in disbelief. This can’t be true; she’d never move away and not tell me.

“Why? Why would she not want me to know where she went?” I ask, crestfallen. “This makes no sense at all.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. All I know is she was sure in a hurry to get out of here. I’m real sorry, but I can’t tell you where she went. I promised and I’m keeping my promise,” she tells me with a sad smile on her face and a shrug. Then she shuts the door.

I stand here staring at the closed door like a fool. None of this makes sense. I yank my phone out of my pocket as I go back to my truck. I punch in her number to call her again. If I have to leave her a million voicemails and send a thousand text messages, I will. The phone rings once; then I get a recording saying the phone number has been disconnected.

“Dammit!” I throw my phone across the cab of my truck. It crashes and falls as I slam my hands down on the steering wheel.

Driving to my parents’ house, my blood is boiling. I just want to scream. I can’t believe this is happening. She’s just—gone! I have to find her. I
will
find her. This is all my fault; I was a prick to her on the phone about the birth control thing and she’s just totally closed me off. I’m running every scenario of ways to find her through my head, when immediately I know what to do. I pull up at home and practically pull the handle off my door as I get out. I go inside, calling out for Mom as I do.

“Honey, what are you so frantic about? Come here, give your mother a hug. It feels like you’ve been away for ages. I had Bernadette make some of your favorites, since I knew you were coming. What on earth’s the matter, Jace? You look pale. Are you ill?” She says, looking me over.

“Mom, I need your help. I need a private investigator. Can you hire one for me?” I ask her, hoping to God she’s not going to think I’ve gone crazy.

“Son, why do you think you need a private investigator? What’s this all about?” She asks impatiently. “Come sit with me in the sunroom and have something to eat. You look like you haven’t been eating well at all.” She turns and starts walking away from me. I follow, but don’t miss a beat.

“I’m not hungry, Mom. I need to find Jessica. She’s gone.” That word kills me.

Gone.

“She moved and her mom won’t tell me where to. I need to find her. I know you know people who do this type of thing. Can you please help me find her or pay someone to help me find her?” I say desperately, giving her the irresistible eyes that I know she can’t say no to.

“Jace, honey, what is it about this girl that has you so enamored? You and Elizabeth made a perfect couple. I always envisioned you two marrying one day.” She’s calmly making me a plate of food and I just shake my head, frustrated. “Then this girl comes along and you just walk away from a relationship that was good for you. From what I understand, this Jessica isn’t a very good girl.” She pulls a glass from the cabinet shelf and begins pouring me some tea. “Maybe not finding her is for the best. You’re in college now, just starting your life. You should just focus on your studies and football,” she says, holding the full glass out to me.

I knew she would argue, but dammit, I have to convince her. If I don’t try—at least make an effort to find Jess—I know I’ll never forgive myself. It will haunt me forever.

“Mom, please. I don’t ask you for much, but I’m asking you for this.”

My hand grasps the cold glass of sweet tea and she slowly takes a sip of hers. She’s killing me with the suspense, but Mom never does anything without weighing all of the options and possible outcomes.

“Sure, honey. Let me see what I can do. Just write down anything you think will be helpful and I’ll pass it on to Jason. These things can take some time, though, so don’t expect a speedy result.”

“Thanks, Mom. Thank you so much. I love you. You’re the best. Jessica is a good girl, Mom. She’s not like what everyone says she is. She’s a good person and she’s important to me.”

I put the glass down without ever taking a drink and hug her tight, and for the first time since I arrived in town, I feel an ounce of relief. The hold on my throat is still there, but now it’s a little easier to breathe than it was when I felt I had no options.

“Hey, man, how long are you going to be on that thing tonight? Aren’t your eyes bleeding by now?” Trent’s sprawled out on his bed and has been quiet, for the most part, while I continue my search for Jessica.

Where are you, Jess?

“No, they aren’t. She deleted her Facebook account, but she has to be on some network somewhere. I know if I keep looking I’ll come across it some way or another. It’s just that Jessica Alexander is a pretty damn common name. I’ve been scrolling through one Jessica after another for what seems like forever.”

I rub my temples and huff out my frustration as I lean forward on my desk.

“I thought your mom hired a private investigator or something. Why not just wait ‘til he digs something up instead of driving yourself crazy staring at that damn computer screen?” He’s got a point, but—

“Because sitting here doing nothing to find her...doing nothing feels fucking wrong. Even though she doesn’t know I’m trying,
I
need to know I’m trying. One day when you love someone, maybe you’ll get it. I can’t explain this shit, I just know I can’t give up.”

I slam the laptop shut and rub my blurry eyes.

“It’s been too long since I talked to her last. The more time that goes by, the further she slips away from me. I can feel it. I’m losing her before I even find her.”

“Dude, I’m sorry. That blows. I hope I never fall in love ‘cause from what I can see, it sucks,” Trent says as he moves his hands behind his head, as though he’s contemplating the validity of his “love sucks” statement. I know he’s trying to help, but I just can’t deal with him right now.