‘I can’t,’ she said
abruptly.
Dex’s hand pressed the small of
her back. ‘Yes, you can. They won’t notice us.’
‘Dex, no...’ She tried to turn
away, but he propelled her into the crowd. It was as she feared.
Everyone ignored her, even those who only a short time ago had
wanted to know her. Social climbers. Now she must have dropped off
the ladder completely. ‘This is awful,’ she said.
‘For them, perhaps, but not for
us.’ Dex steered her further into the press of bodies, all in their
bright, tight clothes. ‘Jay, we are the lost. It’s our highest
card. It takes a while for us to rejoin society. It’s not just like
coming out of prison or hospital.’
‘What do you mean?’ They had
ended up pressed against the bar, clearly in several people’s way,
yet these people did not complain or cast scorching glances.
‘Look how long it took me to get
your attention,’ Dex said. ‘I still have a key to the flat, you
know.’
Jay stared at him, slightly
disgusted. ‘I don’t even want to think about that!’
Dex grinned at her. ‘Don’t
worry. I didn’t abuse my ability. You just don’t have to worry
about being recognised. We’re eavesdroppers here. They can’t see
us.’
Jay sighed. ‘Then that makes me
a lost soul too, doesn’t it.’ She realised that in some ways Dex
relished what he had become. He appeared more relaxed than she’d
ever seen him.
‘There’s dear old Zeke,’ said
Dex.
Jay couldn’t suppress a shudder
of alarm. ‘Where?’
Dex pointed. The Sakrilege man
was surrounded by a group of people, but didn’t seem to be in a
party mood. His face looked drawn, and there were puffy dark
shadows beneath his eyes. Jay hoped he was suffering. Perhaps he
blamed himself for her disappearance. She hoped so. ‘He can’t see
us?’ she asked. ‘You’re sure of that?’
Dex nodded. ‘Come on. Let’s join
our friends.’
A woman was speaking. She wore a
transparent lace dress over slight underwear and had the glazed,
famished look of a model. After a few moments, Jay recognised her.
It was Carmen Leonard. She looked different to how she appeared in
all the glamour shots; bonier and more startled. Despite her rather
manic eyes, her voice was a monotonous gabble. ‘Well, of course Dex
is in Brazil. It’s the most reliable sighting. The columnist, Rita
Akeland, told me, and you know she’s a real scavenger for facts.
He’s in Brazil, I’d put money on it. Working with an ethnic
band.’
Jay felt suddenly very cold. Of
course these people would be talking about Dex. Perhaps it was
because he was hidden among them, his essence somehow touching
their memories.
‘It’s all just supposition,’ a
man in a lime green suit said scornfully. ‘I reckon he topped
himself and that’s that.’
Carmen Leonard gibbered in
pique, taking a sip of champagne.
‘I heard he’s in Barcelona,’
said a youth in baggy clothes and a baseball cap worn back to
front. ‘Getting wrecked and all that.’
‘Who gives a fuck where he is?’
snapped a young, scorched-blond, American vocalist, decked in tight
zebra-print pants and a cut off fluffy top that revealed a tangle
of surgical steel through her navel. ‘He’s a fucking has-been, so
why are we even talking about him?’ It was clearly her party.
Zeke Michaels, unexpectedly,
rallied to the defence, although it was clear he was very drunk.
‘Perri, my dear, what would you have us talk about? You? You might
call Dex a has-been, but I’ve no doubt his next album of releases
and remixes will outsell yours by the thousands.’
‘Hope he enjoys the royalties,’
the girl shot back, her cheeks slightly red beneath the eyes. It
must have been a furious blush to fight its way through the
pan-stick. ‘Just who
does
get all the cash if a musician
absconds, Zeke?’
It was a good question, Jay
thought. She wanted to ask it too. She’d have liked to mention
Julie and her children. Perhaps Zeke Michaels didn’t even know they
existed.
‘Why worry?’ Michaels said,
smiling coldly. ‘You’ll have enough pennies to play with yourself
when
Karma Crash
hits the stores.’
Green Suit, Baggy Boy and Carmen
Leonard all tittered and the young American looked cornered. She
might be a spoiled brat, but Jay felt for her. At least she had the
guts to ask awkward questions, and even more importantly think
those questions up in the first place.
‘You might think I have an
empty, pretty little head,’ snarled the singer, ‘but without me,
and people like me, you parasites wouldn’t have a job. I keep you
in coke and Armani suits. I pay for parties like this.’
Oh yeah?’ Michaels looked
annoyed now. He swayed a little, and champagne slopped over the rim
of his glass. ‘Without people like me, you’d be a nobody. Married
with two kids when you’re twenty-three, and dreams of fame while
you watch pop stars on the TV. What is given can very easily be
taken away.’
The girl laughed, even though
her heart must have begun to beat just that bit faster. ‘Oh Zeke,
you can’t ever see inside me. I could be married with kids, but
music’s in my soul. You can never take that away. I’ll write and
I’ll play until I wave the world goodbye. I know success is
ephemeral. It’s a joke. Don’t expect me to be grateful. You people
gnaw away at artists, and we eat from your gilded bowls. You can
make us and break us, but without us, there’d be no industry. I
think you should remember that more often.’ With dignity, she
stalked away.
Jay applauded, laughing. ‘Good
for you, Perri!’
‘Prima donna,’ murmured Green
Suit, rolling his eyes.
‘Temperament,’ added Michaels,
shaking his head and grinning. ‘Think they know it all. She’s just
a kid.’
Dex made a noise of disgust.
‘Pompous, sexist git. He would never have dared to speak to me like
that.’ He shook his head. ‘Still, little Perri’s wrong, isn’t she,
about how the music industry needs musicians?’
Jay nodded, her mouth set in a
grim smile. ‘Yeah. They can be grown in vats nowadays, and their
music born in the circuits of computers.’ She chuckled. ‘Maybe dear
old Zeke is thinking this very moment whether he can offer that
naked model a recording contract.’
‘Perhaps, when Perri is on the
scrap heap, they’ll pay her to provide the voice - anonymously, of
course.’
‘Computer graphics could see to
the video performances.’
They held each other’s glance
for a moment, then slapped palms. ‘It’s a deal!’
Dex put his hand beneath Jay’s
elbow to move her away from Michaels’ clique. ‘Find Perri, one day,
Jay. Don’t let the plague get her.’
Jay glanced at him. ‘What do you
mean?’
He smiled. ‘Those of us with
integrity should stick together.’
‘Then you find her,’ Jay
said.
Dex did not respond to this.
‘Well, this little knees-up is just about perfect for what I wanted
you to see.’
‘Which is?’
‘My actual presence is not
required in the world for Dex to exist in it. I have become
virtual.’
‘And so have I, it seems.’
‘You’re already returning, Jay,’
Dex said. ‘I’m sure that by morning, you will have adopted this old
familiar reality as your own again.’
Jay’s shoulders slumped. ‘It’s
bizarre, but now I’m not even sure that’s what I want.’ She looked
up at Dex. ‘I want to keep a bit of Lestholme in my life, the
peace, the pace of life.’ She paused. ‘The people.’ Jay sighed.
‘They live in delusion, in a bubble, protected from the realities
of life. Yet it’s something that all of us crave at some time.’
‘Perhaps you don’t have to step
out of reality to find it,’ Dex said.
‘Why say that? You did.’
He shrugged. ‘I’m not as strong
as you, and never will be. I think your Lestholme lives inside you,
Jay. That’s the way to find your own Utopia.’
Jay smiled sadly. ‘If only you’d
thought that when you made the choice to walk out of my life.’
‘I made a decision not to
involve you in my problems. Perhaps that was unfair to you, but we
can’t undo the past.’
‘No.’ Jay narrowed her eyes and
looked around the room. It was time she found out what had happened
in her absence. If Dex was right and she’d soon be a part of this
world again, she must call Gina as soon as she was able. Face the
music.
She turned to tell Dex her
decision, but found he was no longer beside her. She scanned the
crowd, but could not see him. Had he vanished for her already? She
couldn’t believe it. There was so much they’d yet to discuss, not
least Julie’s future, never mind Jay’s own. ‘Dex,’ she hissed. ‘Are
you here? Dex?’
It was like waking from a dream
to discover she’d been sleep-walking to a strange place. The noise
of the party rose around her in a hungry roar. Everyone appeared to
be moving faster than normal. Jay fought a sudden dizziness, and
began to move towards the door. She didn’t want to manifest in
front of these people.
The door was in sight. She had
only a few feet to go. Outside, she’d be able to breathe more
easily, consider what she should do. Two people came to stand in
the doorway, looking around the room before they joined the party.
It took Jay a moment to recognise them, then a current of shock
fizzed through her. It was Gina and Gus. Together. Jay stood only
inches away from them, yet they paid her no attention. Gina’s hand
was tucked through one of Gus’ arms. ‘Gina!’ Jay exclaimed, and
Gina turned in her direction, frowning, but clearly couldn’t
discern who’d spoken her name.
‘What’s up?’ Gus asked her.
‘Someone called me,’ Gina said,
her face perplexed. ‘Weird, but it sounded like Jay.’
‘Jay?’ He sounded horrified.
Gina shrugged. ‘It’s OK. It
can’t be her. I must be imagining things.’
‘Why can’t it be her? You don’t
know...’
‘Relax, babe’ Gina said, licking
her teeth. ‘She won’t be here.’ She kissed Gus on the cheek and
began to drag him into the room.
Jay could not assimilate the
implications of what she’d just seen and heard. She was filled only
by crimson anger. Lurching forward, she screamed, ‘Bitch!’ and
slammed her fist into Gina’s face. Gina jerked backwards, pulling
Gus with her, who cried, ‘What the fuck?’
People around them smirked
knowingly. Someone said, ‘Peaked too early, Ginny?’
Gina picked herself up,
bewildered and furious. Her face was crimson.
Jay dashed past her, down into
the lobby of the club. She didn’t look back, but ran into the lane
and from there to the busier street beyond. Traffic hissed up and
down damp tarmac, lights dazzled. Overhead, the high buildings of
the city seemed to rock like the masts of moored ships. Jay felt
sick, furious. How long had the relationship between Gina and Gus
been going on? Images flashed through Jay’s mind: Gina, the epitome
of concern after Jay’s trouble with ‘Track’; Gina solicitous and
caring. A lie? Jay hugged herself. She felt so cold, and now a
soft, icy drizzle was falling. What now? She couldn’t look upon
Gina as an ally. The only person she felt she could call upon now
was Grant Fenton but, even if she could make her presence known to
him, she didn’t relish having to explain her situation. He would
tell people. She didn’t want that. But what other choice did she
have, alone in London at night, with no place to go?
Jay began to walk down the
street, her mind awhirl. She felt she could no longer rely on her
memories. Had Dex ever been with her? Was Lestholme real? She shook
her head and uttered a soft groan. She wanted to go to Julie, but
Dex’s sister lived so far away. Still, Jay could catch a train,
even if it meant hanging around Euston all night. Would her credit
cards still work?
The street was crowded, despite
the weather. Jay moved instinctively in the direction of the
station. People pushed her without realising it. Somebody grabbed
her arm, and for a moment, Jay thought she must be visible again.
‘Wait. Where are you going?’
She looked up into Dex’s face.
‘I thought you’d gone,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t find you.’
‘I went outside. You were
following. Then you just took off up the road.’
Jay shook her head, confused.
‘No. That is...’ She paused. ‘Gus and Gina were there.’
‘I saw her,’ Dex said. ‘Did you
try to speak to her?’
Jay shook her head. ‘No. She was
with
Gus, Dex. This puts a different slant on things.’ She
put her hands on his arms. ‘Please don’t disappear for me again.
Right now, you’re the only friend I trust.’
‘I didn’t mean to,’ Dex
answered. He frowned. ‘But if I did, perhaps it means I have no
control over it.
Jay released his arms. ‘We won’t
let that happen. If it requires will-power, we’ll give it
will-power.’
He smiled uneasily. ‘OK. So,
where were you headed with such purpose? Is there something you
want to do?’
Jay considered. ‘I was thinking
of trying to get to Julie, but something else has just occurred to
me. You said you still have a key to our flat. Have you got it with
you?’
He studied her. ‘Yes.’
‘I want to go there. I want to
see what’s happened.’
‘OK, if that’s what you
want.’
Jay glanced at him. Did he
suspect this would be as fruitless a task as trying to find
Lorrance at Lestholme? ‘Of course, it might have been sold. Other
people could live there now.’
‘That’s a possibility.’
‘But I want to find out.’
They used the tube trains like
any other people, except they didn’t have to pay. They clambered
over the turnstiles at each station, beneath the eyes of station
attendants. There were certain advantages to living the life of the
lost.
Jay felt strange walking back up
the familiar street. She thought it should look different somehow,
but it didn’t. Lights still shone reassuringly from behind blinds
and drapes. Empty milk bottles stood on porches and cars slid by,
their windscreen-wipers working furiously. Jay and Dex were soaked
with freezing rain.