Anyway, I typed the words “eating disorder” into the search bar. I got mountains of hits, but the very first one was the ever-faithful Wikipedia. I brought it up and started scrolling through. I read lots of the same old boring information that I remembered vaguely from health class. There's all sorts of confusion about what causes these disorders, which made it seem to me that no one could really agree on what to do about it or how to figure out who needed help and who didn't. There was one section that focused on the physiological nature of eating disorders and what brain chemicals might be out of
whack. Another section talked about socioeconomic factors and another about psychological issues. Another part looked at things like perfectionist personalities and body image issues, social pressures and cultural issues. There were all sorts of scary warnings about what could happen to someone with an eating disorder, including actually dying.
It was information overload and seemed to be all over the map in terms of helping anyone figure out whether they had something to worry about or not. I couldn't really see what any of it had to do with me.
It also talked about the Pro Ana sites we had learned about in health class. I remembered the teacher telling us that these were considered a really negative influence on young girls with eating problems. They supposedly said that anorexia and bulimia were a life choice, not a sickness. The message we got was that these sites made sick people sicker. I didn't think much about it at the time. It was just one more piece of information I had to remember for the next health test.
I spent about an hour scrolling around trying to find some information that made sense to me. I was surprised to find that most of the so-called Pro Ana sites had the same kinds of information that Wikipedia had. Lots of medical stuff about the supposed causes and dangers of eating disorders and big disclaimers that the site isn't there to encourage eating disorders. Which actually made sense. Why would anyone encourage an eating disorder? Then again, maybe it was kind of like the warning labels on cigarette packages. I mean, anyone who has a cigarette package in her hands probably already knows that they cause cancer and the ugly pictures on the front of the
package aren't going to really be much of a turn off. I was pretty sure that people who went to sites labeled “Pro Ana” probably already had an eating problem.
I noticed some links at the bottom of one of the sites that led to a whole other set of sites. They were called things like Thinspiration and Thinspo. I clicked on a couple. These ones had all sorts of different things and most didn't have any disclaimers or heavy information about disorders. They seemed more designed for ordinary people who wanted to lose weight. Like me.
I opened up about a dozen sites before I found one that really interested me. It was called thinandbeautiful.com. Thin and beautiful. That was exactly what I wanted to be, so I opened it up to see what it was all about. The home page had all kinds of links on it and I didn't know where to start. There seemed to be a bunch of little chat rooms you could go into. It was almost like there were different clubs you could join, each with its own name. I looked them over and was kind of intrigued by one called girlswithoutshadows, so I opened it up. It had this little blurb on the home page that said:
“We have been in the shadows of our oversized bodies for too long and it is time to come out into the sunlight. It is time to find our true, thinner self and to dispel the shadows of self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-consciousness. It is time to create a body that will no longer cast a shadow on the ground.”
It sounded pretty dramatic but at the same time kind of true. I did feel like no one could really see me anymore, like I was still sitting in the shadowy corners at Suzanne's house watching everyone else have fun. The site had one of those
forums where you can read other people's posts without participating so that you can decide if you want to be in it or not. I decided to take a look and see what people outside of my little narrow minded world were thinking.
It's kind of weird reading other people's conversations, like peeking through a window at someone's private life. I guess the difference is that these people have left their windows open on purpose so that people can look in.
bodaciousbod says:
my boyfriend is taking me out tonight for supper. i haven't eaten all day so i can save up some calories for alcohol. man, i can't wait!
nevertoothin says:
i am staying in tonite. i feel disgustingly fat today. mom baked chocolate chip cookies and looked like she was going to cry so i ate one. tried to get rid of it but it wouldn't go so now it's stuck in there. i feel like cutting it out with a knife.
bodaciousbod says:
did anyone find out the actual calorie count of movie theater popcorn? my date starts in an hour and i know he's going to buy some and try to get me to eat it!! i haven't eaten since yesterday but I'm still not sure if it's safe and eat too.
lookingforlight says:
just take one piece at a time and chew real slow, and spit it out when he isn't looking. hey, did everyone see SR? i posted some pics so that we can
all see real beauty. i can't believe everyone's freaking and thinking she needs help. i wish i had her kind of help. i heard she weighs like 87 pounds. she's awesome.
nevertoothin says:
I am so much bigger than that! i have to stop eating ⦠now! i am so disgusting today I'll have to change my name to alwaystoofat. no one understands it at all ⦠well, except all of you guys!
I clicked on the link they were talking about. The pictures came up. I had seen some of them before in the magazine rack at the grocery store. She was definitely thin and beautiful. Her cheekbones stood out sharply and her blue eyes looked absolutely huge. Her hair was perfect and straight and blond ⦠the opposite of mine. She didn't look unhappy with herself at all. I wondered about the eighty-seven pounds part. Could she be that little? I didn't think that eighty-seven pounds looked like that. I weighed a lot more than that. Maybe that's why I felt so fat. Maybe those pictures would inspire me after all.
I couldn't add any comments to the gallery because I wasn't a member. I read them all though. Some of the comments seemed a little weird and over the top. Some of the girls really had a hate on for themselves! I guess they still had some of their shadows. They seemed to speak to me though. I had had lots of the same kind of thoughts and it felt good to know that other people felt the same way. I mean, even though Suzanne and people like her seemed to think I was kind of cool
for doing my diet stuff, they still didn't really understand me. I couldn't actually talk to any of them about it.
Then again, I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to any of the online girls either.
Did I really want to be a member of a chat group? It seemed like such a good way to get to know other girls who felt like me. Maybe they could tell me what to do with my mom to get her off my case. Who knows, maybe I would even learn something.
But what if I didn't fit in?
April 18
I had a dream last night. I dreamed about chocolate. I know. It's lame. I have always dreamed about food. It's almost like my subconscious mind wants to eat more than my conscious one does. This actually works out in my favor because dream food is nonfattening. Anyway, my chocolate dream was smooth and tasty and full of flavor. I was savoring it melting in my mouth when all of a sudden the chocolate turned into Wolf. No, that's not right. It wasn't like there was a chocolate guy melting in my mouth. It's just that the tastes and flavors turned into a real life-sized chocolate version of Wolf. That sounds just as stupid. That's one dream I would never tell anyone about. Especially not Marina who came walking into my room about five minutes after I woke up.
“So?”
“So what?” I asked, yawning widely and not bothering to cover my mouth. My mom wasn't around so I didn't need manners.
“I know he came here to talk to you yesterday. D'you like him?” She plopped herself down on the bed like she was right at home. She sat cross-legged in the middle of my blankets, making me shift over. I rubbed my eyes, trying to wake up and trying not to think about embarrassing chocolate dreams in front of someone who would most likely laugh hysterically if she found out about them.
“I don't know. He didn't say much.”
“No, he's not really a stimulating conversationalist. Then again, do you know any guys his age who are?” She shook her head and kind of rolled her eyes. I noticed her hair stayed perfect when she moved, like a sleek cap of black silk or something. I knew my hair was a bird's nest in the morning and I resisted the temptation to smooth it down. I thought about her question for a moment.
“Actually, no, I don't,” I said, kind of surprised at my own answer. I always thought that I was the conversation dweeb. But when I really thought about it, most of the boys I knew didn't really have all that much to say either.
“No, I don't think there are any. I think they have to get a whole lot older before they have anything to say. I definitely like older guys. What about you?”
“Don't know. I don't think I know any older guys except my brother, and he doesn't count.”
“Hmm, is he cute?”
“Gross â that's my brother you're talking about! No, he's not cute!”
“Not to you, maybe. Does he come here on visiting day? I could use some new distractions.”
“Cut it out. You'll make me puke, which will get me in trouble because they'll think I did it on purpose.”
“Yeah? Have you got caught?” she asked with interest. She didn't look like she thought it was gross which I guess shouldn't surprise me. I couldn't be the only purger in here or they wouldn't have so many rules and consequences for it.
“Yeah. Shocked the hell out of me too. I'm so good at it. My parents haven't caught me for months.”
“They have mysterious ways around here that I haven't figured out yet. But I will. I treat this place like a big reality game show. A me-against-them kind of thing. Keeps me amused.”
I looked at her, feeling something close to shock. It was like my attitude about this place was looking in a mirror at itself.
“The only game worth playing is the one where you get to make all the rules and not tell the other players,” I said, half grinning at her for the first time. She grinned back.
“Totally. Maybe this can be an
us-
against-them kind of thing now. We might have more of a chance then. Anyway, I'm heading, so you can get up. They won't be too happy if you stay in bed all day. You'll have to go to the excessive lack of energy therapist and discuss your lack of energy until you're so tired you fall asleep.” She unfolded herself and stood up in one movement that kind of flowed off the bed. I still had half a grin on my face as I watched her walk out of the room and go off to wherever it was that she spent her time.
Someone who thought a little bit like me. Here of all places. Us against them instead of just me.
The clouds came out in full force the day of my appointment, which seemed appropriate for my mood. Isn't that called pathetic fallacy or something? Anyway, it was definitely pathetic. My parents were so pleased that I agreed to go that I even briefly felt guilty that I had already made my mind up not to listen to anything the jerk said. The guilty feeling left me about thirty seconds into the poking and prodding and weighing, however.
Once he had finished and I was dressed again, I waited for him to come back with his little chart and tell me that I still had to watch the food I put in my mouth. I sat with arms folded and legs crossed, making sure he knew I wasn't about to be impressed by anything he had to say.
“Madison,” he started as he walked in the room without even looking at me. “Your weight is down to ninety-three pounds. That's a twenty-seven-pound weight loss since I last saw you.”
“So?” I wasn't giving him anything. Twenty-seven pounds?
Was that all? My mother hated scales so I had only been able to weigh myself if I got a chance at other people's houses where they weren't as uptight as Mom. Every scale I tried had me at a different weight and, until this moment, I actually didn't have a very good idea of how much I weighed.
“So, you are becoming quite underweight for someone your age and height. It's a cause for concern.”
I was annoyed out of my planned silence. “I don't see why!” The nerve of the guy! “You're the one who said I was fat in the first place! Now you say I'm too thin. Make up your mind!” My mother would have passed out if she heard the way I was talking to him.
“I said what?” The doctor pretended to be confused.
“Last year when I came here you told me to watch what I put in my mouth. So I did. Now you get on my case like everyone else does. You're all nuts.”
“Madison, I certainly never told you that you were overweight. I tell many young ladies that they may want to start watching what they eat once their bodies stop growing upwards. As the body slows its growth patterns, sometimes young people find themselves less able to eat every little thing they want without gaining unwanted pounds. The suggestion to watch what you eat was intended to encourage healthy eating, not strict dieting. There is nothing in here about you having any issues with your weight.” He was checking my chart, as if looking for some magic words that would solve the puzzle.
“Well, it sounded like that to me. I already knew I was fat, anyway. You just confirmed it. I found out everyone was thinking I needed to lose weight and they were all so frigging
happy when I started to. Now the same people have decided I'm underweight. Make up your mind!” I knew I was repeating myself but I was too mad to think of new things to say.
“I have made up my mind. I am concerned about you. Do you eat at every meal?”
“Mostly.” I returned to my vow of almost silence.