Things You Won't Say (22 page)

“Hi,” she whispered. What was she thinking? They couldn’t abandon Mike.

Lou didn’t seem to notice anything amiss in Jamie’s voice. She was packing in preparation for her move, she said. “I can’t touch my new roommate’s food,” Lou said. “Did I tell you that? I’m thinking I might stroke her bottle of orange juice in the morning, though.”

The words came out of Jamie’s mouth before she knew what she was going to say.

“Come live with us,” she said, her throat thick with unshed tears. “Please, Lou. I need help.”

•••

Lou hadn’t been bullied in high school. She’d mostly been ignored, which she hadn’t minded. She’d been like a fourth stringer warming the bench at a football game; she’d never truly expected to get a chance to play.

She knew she could thank Jamie for the fact that she hadn’t been teased. Jamie wasn’t in the popularity stratosphere, but she was well liked, partly because she was pretty and nice and partly because she wasn’t intimidated by anyone. The goodwill surrounding Jamie flowed over to encompass Lou like a puffy cloud. Sometimes Jamie would motion for Lou to join her at her lunch table, if there were empty seats—an honor se
niors never bestowed upon lowly sophomores. Jamie’s friends always said hi to Lou when they passed her in the hallways, too. Lou knew her high school experience might have been very different were it not for her sister, because Jamie had set the ground rules for how Lou was to be treated early on.

Once when Lou was in ninth grade, she’d stopped in the bathroom between classes. She heard a group of girls come in a moment later, and Lou recognized Jamie’s voice. She was about to flush the toilet and come out to say hello; then she heard Jamie say, “Why do you care if my sister comes along?”

“I mean, we might meet some guys there,” said another girl.

“So?” Jamie said. “It’s just a stupid movie. If you don’t want Lou to come, then maybe I’ll just hang out at home with her and invite some other people over.”

Lou imagined Jamie locking eyes with her opponent, like a wolf defending her territory. There were a few other people in the bathroom, too, but the room felt still, as if everyone was holding their breath.

“Sure, she can come,” the other girl finally said. “No big deal.”

“Thanks!” Jamie said, her voice gracious in victory. “I like your nail polish, by the way.”

Yes, Jamie was sometimes frazzled and bossy and impatient. But Lou never doubted that her sister had her best interests at heart. Jamie invited her over at least once a week for dinner and always made broccoli because she knew it was Lou’s favorite vegetable, and she encouraged Lou to attend all of the kids’ school events. She was constantly enveloping Lou under their family umbrella, an extension of her inclusiveness in high school.

Jamie had never asked her for anything before, other than to occasionally babysit, which wasn’t a real favor since Lou always enjoyed it as much as the kids did. So when Jamie asked her to move in, Lou didn’t hesitate. She canceled her lease and forfeited her deposit that same day. Lou could take over Sam’s
room, Jamie said, and he was going to use the bottom bunk in Henry’s room until things settled down.

Now Lou walked to the elephants’ enclosure and called for Tabby. The day was already hot and humid, and Lou’s khaki shirt was sticking to her back. Funny how she didn’t mind the heat a bit when she was outside, but it felt suffocating indoors. Tabby came close enough for Lou to reach out and run a hand over the elephant’s big, floppy ear.

“Hey, sweet girl,” Lou said. She took out her equipment to draw blood, and Tabby closed her eyes, like she always did when she saw a needle. “It’ll be over fast,” Lou promised. “Then I’ve got some apples for you.”

She was monitoring Tabitha even more closely these days, because once her progesterone level started to drop, birth would be imminent. When that happened, Lou planned to be here. She’d already set aside a sleeping bag and had packed a small satchel, just like a pregnant woman preparing for labor.

The zoo wanted to capture the birth on videotape and post it online in hopes of drawing more visitors. Lou was sure that marketing move would work, because there wasn’t anything cuter than a wrinkly baby elephant with long eyelashes and a curving trunk.

There was a lot that could go wrong during birth, though, and Lou was trying to prepare for any outcome. If the baby was trapped in the amniotic sac and Tabitha couldn’t free it so it could breathe, Lou would be ready to intervene. Veterinarians would also be on call in case Tabby fell ill after the birth or started to hemorrhage. There was only one variable that deeply worried Lou. She didn’t know if Tabitha had ever seen a baby elephant during the years she’d been in captivity, because Tabby had come to the zoo via a sanctuary and her prior history was unknown. Lou was doing what she could to prepare Tabitha for motherhood. Everything in the elephants’ enclosure was jumbo size, which meant the baby might seem even more alien, so Lou had begun introducing smaller ob
jects to the enclosure. She’d put in a plastic ball yesterday, and Tabitha had approached it warily. She hadn’t stomped on it, which was a good sign, Lou thought.

Lou just prayed that the gentle elephant’s maternal instincts would kick in, trumping the vicious side nature sometimes exhibited. There had been one terrible case at another zoo where an elephant violently rejected her young while the baby cried actual tears. If the worst happened—if Tabby tried to hurt her baby—Lou and the other keepers would need to act instantly. Lou had the closest bond with Tabitha, which meant she was the least likely to be attacked. She hadn’t told anyone, but if danger arose, she was fully prepared to get into the enclosure and try to calm Tabby in order to save the baby.

“All over,” Lou said, withdrawing the needle. She gave Tabby a few apples, then began her daily head-to-toe inspection. By now Tabby was a pro at the exam, but when she’d first arrived at the zoo, Lou had needed to teach her how to cooperate. The whole process had been broken down into steps. First, Lou let Tabitha use her trunk to investigate a long pole with a pool float attached at the end. When Tabitha was comfortable with the device, Lou tapped Tabitha’s foot gently with the float and immediately fed her a yam. Lou repeated that exercise—gentle tap, yam—until Tabitha learned to associate the pole and float with her favorite treat. Like most elephants, she was incredibly smart, so she caught on within a day.

Once Tabby mastered that step, Lou reached the pole into the enclosure while keeping it a few feet in the air above Tabitha’s foot. The elephant waited for the tap, but when it didn’t come, she initiated contact with the pool float, raising her foot to touch it. “Good girl!” Lou cried, delighted, and she gave Tabby a few extra yams. Maybe this was what it felt like for parents when their kids made the honor roll, or got accepted to Harvard.

Lou began gradually moving the float closer and closer to
the exam area, until all Tabby needed was the sight of Lou in a particular place to recognize that it was time for her checkup. The daily exams were critical: Carrying around ten thousand pounds took its toll on an elephant’s extremities.

Tabby’s feet looked good today. One of her toenails was cracked, but not too badly, and Lou cleaned it out before feeding the elephant more treats. Her tail was healing nicely, too. Some people might think Lou was in control of the situation—after all, she’d trained Tabitha to lift up her feet—but Lou knew better. The exam would take place only if Tabitha agreed. Otherwise, the massive mammal would simply walk away, leaving Lou pleading with her from behind the barrier.

After all of the elephants were examined, Lou let them out of the enclosure so they could explore. Lou packed up her equipment as Tabitha made her way to the pool and waded in. Lou had heard pregnant women loved to swim because their heavy bodies felt so lightweight in the water, and she sensed Tabs felt the same way. Lou leaned against the fence, smiling, as she settled in to watch.

How could humans do such terrible things to these gorgeous creatures, like hunting them for their ivory? Lou wondered. Animals could be cruel to one another, but at least they had sound reasons for their actions most of the time. Young male elephants were clearly miserable when they were pushed out of their families by their mothers; Lou had seen video footage of them standing around the outskirts of their herds, yearning to be let back in. But only by being ostracized would males seek out new partners and mate. The elephant matriarchs were just ensuring the survival of their species, Lou thought. What excuse did humans have for their actions?

Lou spend the rest of her shift updating charts and feeding and observing the animals. She also led a group of schoolchildren on a tour. “Elephants can poop as much as three hundred pounds a day!” she told them. That was always a crowd-pleaser.

She was wrapping up her shift, mixing vitamins into the elephants’ evening meal, when Jamie called.

“Hey, I was about to call to see if you could pick me up at the apartment tomorrow around eight so I can bring my stuff over,” Lou said, cradling the phone between her shoulder and ear while she measured out the correct dose of vitamin E. “It should only take me one trip.”

“What were you thinking?” Jamie screamed.

Lou fell back, as if Jamie’s voice were a punch bursting out of the phone. The vitamin bottle slipped out of Lou’s hand and shattered against the floor.

“I don’t—what?” Lou asked.

“Mike has a temper? Christie and I don’t get along? There’s tension in our house? How could you say all that to a reporter? Damn it, Lou!”

“I didn’t!” Lou finally managed to get in against the torrent of Jamie’s words.

“Yes you did!” Jamie said. “You talked to some blogger at the coffee shop when you were taking a break! Really, Lou? That empty beer can Mike threw at the TV
five
years ago?”

“I didn’t know she was a blogger!” Lou protested. “She said she was thinking about applying for a job! She gave me a cookie.”

“A cookie? You sold out our family for a fucking cookie?” Other people had talked to her in this tone, the one that proclaimed they thought Lou was obtuse. But Jamie never had, not until now.

Tears flooded Lou’s eyes. She thought about Kaitlin’s eager smile, and the way it had dimmed when Lou had turned the conversation away from Jamie’s family. Jamie was right; she’d been stupid. She should’ve figured out what was going on.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

Jamie exhaled loudly. “Just don’t say
anything
to anyone ever again about my family, okay? If someone brings up Mike, you walk away. Do you understand, Lou?”

“I understand,” Lou said. Her nose was running, and she wiped it with the edge of her sleeve.

“Okay,” Jamie said. “I’ve got to go. Eloise is yelling for something.”

Jamie hung up before Lou could ask whether she should still move in. This was the sort of situation that paralyzed her. How mad, exactly, was Jamie? Angry enough to cause a permanent shift in their relationship? Maybe Jamie was tired of all the trouble Lou caused, of the broken lamp and burned Tupperware and forgotten Pull-Up and day of junk food that had made Eloise sick. Lou thought about calling Jamie back to ask, but she worried it might make her sister even more upset.

Lou knelt down and began to pick up the shards of the vitamin bottle, putting the glass into a dustpan before reaching for a broom and sweeping up the smaller pieces. She couldn’t stop hearing Jamie’s words—
Don’t say anything to anyone ever again about my family.

She knew her sister hadn’t meant to be cruel. Like the mama elephants who needed to reject their sons so that the species could flourish, Jamie had a good reason for lashing out, for pushing Lou away. But this was the first time Jamie had ever made a distinction that separated Lou from her family.

Lou was on the outside now, yearning to be let back in.

•••

She needed to have a serious talk with Mike and Jamie, Christie decided as she held two shirts up against her black skirt and decided on the gold button-down. First Jamie had forgotten to pick up Henry from a friend’s, and while he hadn’t been in any danger, what if he’d been waiting at a mall or something? Then, no one had bothered to tell Henry what was going on, so he’d had to learn the details of the shooting via YouTube. YouTube, for God’s sakes!

Christie was meeting a new mark tonight at a hotel, then she was planning to go straight home and call Jamie and de
mand a meeting. Jamie was usually the one who summoned Christie for chats, suggesting they all “get on the same page” when it came to Henry’s bedtime (fine, so Christie let him stay up late when something good was on TV) or keeping his study schedule up-to-date (she’d forgotten he had a Spanish final, but she could pretty much guarantee that in another ten years, he’d forget everything except how to say “hola”).

But what Jamie and Mike had done was far worse than any of Christie’s transgressions. Christie’s ire mounted while she dressed for her appointment and freshened her makeup. She picked up her purse and checked to make sure she had the disposable cell phone in the outer pocket and her own zipped inside. She drove the now-familiar route to the hotel and parked in the hourly lot, since it was an expensible fee, then went to the room Elroy had rigged with a camera and audio-recording device. Elroy had kept the same room they’d used the previous night, and Christie expected the same scenario to unfold. She smiled as she remembered how her last client had shown up at the hotel, a CVS bag containing a box of condoms in hand. He’d torn off his pants almost before Christie shut the door behind him. Elroy had knocked a moment later, and Christie had slipped out. She wondered how long the cheating jerk had waited for her to return with the champagne. She hoped his wife had already changed the locks by the time he got home.

Christie stepped out of her Miata and smoothed her skirt, wondering if her mother’s exes had known the extent of her cheating. They must’ve; her mother hadn’t exactly been discreet. Once in high school, Christie was crammed in the backseat of a friend’s car with a bunch of teenagers and someone had said, “Hey, isn’t that your mom’s car?” Christie’s mother drove a distinctive ancient yellow VW Bug, which had been parked in front of a neighbor’s house. The neighbor was a creepy guy who always mowed his lawn shirtless. Rumor had it he’d hit on one of the cheerleaders the previous year after hiring her to babysit.