Thinking About It Only Makes It Worse (36 page)

(the initials DM refer to David Mitchell)

1. Abramovich, Roman
   1
   
2. Abrams, JJ
   1
   
3. Abulafia, Prof. David
   1
   
4. Academy of English, and why it shouldn’t exist
   1
   
5. accidents, a plan to finally eradicate them
   1
   
6. Act of Settlement
   1
   
7. advertising and marketing:
   
   1. and alcohol
      1
      ,
      2
      
   2. cigars
      1
      
   3. and food
      1
      ,
      2
      
   4. and hiding flaws in plain sight
      1
      
   5. and meerkats
      1
      
   6. and toothpaste
      1
      
8. Advertising Standards Authority
   1
   ,
   2
   
9. Afghanistan
   1
   ,
   2
   
10. ageing, reversing the process of
    1
    
11. Air Zimbabwe
    1
    
12. al-Qaida, winning an award for a watercolour
    1
    
13. alcohol:
    
    1. and advertising
       1
       
    2. weaning on to
       1
       
14. Aldershot Town FC
    1
    
15. Allen, Woody
    1
    
16. ’Allo ’Allo!
    1
    
17. Amazon
    1
    ,
    2
    
18. Andrew, Prince, Duke of York
    1
    ,
    2
    
19. Animal: 24:7
    1
    
20. anonymous online messages/comments
    1
    
21. antisocial behaviour, and why it must be legal
    1
    
22. Any Questions
    1
    
23. apologising
    1
    ,
    2
    
24. apostrophes
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    
25. Apple
    1
    
26. Apprentice, The
    1
    ,
    2
    
27. Archer, PC Gary
    1
    
28. Archer, Jeffrey
    1
    
29. Arsenal FC
    1
    ,
    2
    
30. art:
    
    1. Cock Jesus
       1
       
    2. Mona Lisa
       1
       ,
       2
       
    3. Piss Christ
       1
       
31. ASBOs, DM’s dislike of what they’re called
    1
    ,
    2
    
32. Ashcroft, Lord
    1
    
33. Assange, Julian, some fictional remarks of
    1
    
34. Atkinson, Colin
    1
    
35. Aykroyd, Dan
    1
    

1. Baker, Norman
   1
   
2. Baldwin, Stanley
   1
   
3. Bale, Christian
   1
   
4. bankers:
   
   1. and bonuses
      1
      
   2. and global financial crisis
      1
      ,
      2
      ;
      
   3. see also
      global financial crisis as new Germans
      1
      ,
      2
      
   4. obscene remuneration of
      1
      ,
      2
      
   5. piss-taking
      1
      
   6. as TV-show idea
      1
      
   7. unapologetic
      1
      ,
      2
      
5. Banksy
   1
   
6. Barclays
   1
   ,
   2
   
7. Baron Cohen, Sacha, Staines’ attempt to disassociate itself from him
   1
   
8. Bartram, Dr David
   1
   
9. Batman
   1
   ,
   2
   
10. Batman Begins
    (Begins!? It never fucking ends)
    1
    
11. Baylis, Trevor
    1
    
12. BBC:
    
    1. and canoodling Wimbledon spectators
       1
       
    2. and Clarkson
       1
       
    3. and daytime TV
       1
       
    4. director-general of, as TV-show idea
       1
       
    5. Gove’s “pinkos” at
       1
       
    6. and impartiality
       1
       
    7. other media denigrate
       1
       ,
       2
       
    8. plot to destroy
       1
       
    9. Radio
       1
       2
       
    10. and “Sachsgate”
        1
        
    11. and weather forecasters
        1
        
    12. see also
        television;
        individual programme titles
        
13. BBC Worldwide
    1
    
14. Beale, Graham
    1
    ,
    2
    
15. Beck, Glenn
    1
    
16. Beckham, David
    1
    
17. bees, training dogs to impersonate
    1
    
18. Bellamy, Craig
    1
    
19. Best, George
    1
    
20. Bibby, Jennifer
    1
    
21. bingo, nauseatingly patronising tax cut on
    1
    
22. Birmingham
    1
    
    1. see also
       West Midlands
       
23. Birmingham City FC
    1
    ,
    2
    
24. Blackadder
    1
    
    1. “remake” of
       1
       
    2. Michael Gove thinks it’s a drama
       1
       
25. Blackadder Goes Forth
    1
    
26. Blair, Tony
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    
    1. “Am I Bovvered?” sketch of
       1
       
    2. closest we’ve come to electing a genocidal maniac,
       1
       
    3. and Iraq invasion
       1
       ,
       2
       
27. Blatter, Sepp
    1
    
28. Blears, Hazel
    1
    
29. Bloom, Godfrey
    1
    
30. Blumenthal, Heston
    1
    
31. Boat Race
    1
    
32. body weight
    1
    
33. bottom-wiping
    1
    
34. Bowers, Judge Peter
    1
    ,
    2
    
35. Box of Delights, The
    1
    
36. Boyle, Danny
    1
    
37. Boyle, Frankie
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    
38. Boyle, Susan
    1
    
39. BP
    1
    ,
    2
    
40. BPP
    1
    ,
    2
    
41. BPPP no such thing
    
42. Brady, Karren
    1
    
43. “brainchild”
    1
    
    1. see also
       words, new, favourite and not so favourite
       
44. Brand, Russell
    1
    ,
    2
    
45. Branson, Richard
    1
    ,
    2
    
46. Brazil
    1
    
47. Brett, Jeremy
    1
    
48. Bristow, Keith
    1
    
49. Britain’s Next Top Model
    1
    
50. British National Party (BNP)
    1
    
51. British Rail
    1
    ,
    2
    
52. British Retail Consortium
    1
    
53. Brittin, Max
    1
    
54. Brooker, Charlie
    1
    
55. Brooks, Mel
    1
    
56. Brown, Gordon
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
    ,
    5
    
    1. and Boyle’s health
       1
       
    2. Cable’s overrated joke concerning
       1
       
    3. Chilcott Inquiry set up by
       1
       
    4. crises in government of
       1
       
    5. election date confirmed by
       1
       
57. Brown, Sarah
    1
    
58. Brunel, Isambard Kingdom
    1
    
59. Burley, Aiden, Nazi outfit hiring of
    1
    
60. Burnham, Andy
    1
    
61. Bush, George W.
    1
    
    1. and Iraq invasion
       1
       
62. Butlin’s
    1
    ,
    2
    
63. Byrne, Justin
    1
    

1. Cable, Vince
   1
   
2. Call the Midwife
   1
   
3. Cambridge Union Society
   1
   
4. Cameron, David
   1
   ,
   2
   ,
   3
   ,
   4
   ,
   5
   ,
   6
   
   1. appearance of
      1
      
   2. appearing to make an effort
      1
      
   3. “change” mantra of
      1
      
   4. and “nasty party” image
      1
      
   5. old Tory background of
      1
      
   6. and platitudes over policies
      1
      
   7. refusing to say anything positive about burglars
      1
      
   8. and UK’s military agreements with France
      1
      
   9. unfitness of, for government
      1
      
5. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall
   1
   ,
   2
   
6. Campbell, Alastair
   1
   
7. Carey, George, and use of the phrase “political correctness gone mad”
   1
   
8. Carling Black Label, its contribution to world heritage
   1
   
9. Carlyle, Robert, pants of
   1
   
10. Carmichael, Laura
    1
    
11. Carry On at Your Convenience
    1
    
12. Carry On Up the Khybe
    r
    1
    
13. Cash in the Attic
    1
    
14. Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, filmed having sex (in my imagination)
    1
    
15. Cavill, Henry
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    
16. Cerf, Vinton
    1
    
17. Chamberlain, Neville
    1
    
18. change
    1
    
    1. as Cameron mantra
       1
       
19. Charles II
    1
    
20. Charles, Prince of Wales
    1
    ,
    2
    
21. chefs, irritating nature of
    1
    
22. Cheltenham Science Festival
    1
    
23. Chilcott Inquiry
    1
    
24. Chilcott, Sir John
    1
    ,
    2
    
25. China
    1
    
26. Christmas cards, and the industrialisation of good cheer
    1
    
27. Chuckle Brothers, televised death of
    1
    
28. Churchill, Winston
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
    
29. Cif/Jif
    1
    
30. Civil Nuclear Constabulary
    1
    
31. Clarkson, Jeremy
    1
    ,
    2
    
32. Cleese, John
    1
    
33. Clegg, Nick
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    
    1. breaker of promises
       1
       
    2. and Chilcott Inquiry
       1
       
    3. in leadership debates
       1
       
    4. rowing machine of
       1
       
34. Cock Jesus
    1
    
35. Coe, Seb
    1
    
36. Cole, Cheryl
    1
    
37. Cole, Sir Henry
    1
    
38. Comic Relief
    1
    
39. Communications Data Bill
    1
    ,
    2
    
40. conflict, media’s obsession with
    1
    
41. Connery, Sean
    1
    
42. Consignia
    1
    
43. cookery programmes
    1
    
44. Cookie Monster
    1
    
45. Countdown
    1
    ,
    2
    
46. Courage brewery
    1
    
47. Courage, John, serendipitous name of
    1
    
48. Coventry City FC
    1
    
49. Cowboy Trap
    1
    
50. Cowell, Simon
    1
    
51. Cox, Dr Lynne
    1
    
52. Coyote, Wile E.
    1
    ,
    2
    
53. Craig, Daniel
    1
    
54. credit crunch,
    see
    global financial crisis
    
55. Crest
    1
    
56. Crick, Francis
    1
    
57. Crowe, Russell
    1
    
58. Curtis, Richard
    1
    

1. Dad’s Army
   1
   
2. Daily Mail
   1
   ,
   2
   ,
   3
   ,
   4
   
3. Daily Mirror
   1
   ,
   2
   
4. Daily Planet
   1
   
5. Daily Telegraph
   1
   
6. Daly, Tess
   1
   
7. Darling, Alistair
   1
   
8. dating
   1
   
   1. via websites
      1
      ,
      2
      
9. Davies, Toby
   1
   
10. Davis, Paul
    1
    
11. Dawkins, Richard
    1
    
12. daytime television
    1
    
13. de Francisco, Juan
    1
    
14. de Mooi, CJ, fictional cookery of
    1
    
15. De Niro, Robert
    1
    ,
    2
    
16. Deepwater Horizon, oil spill in,
    see
    Gulf of Mexico
    
17. Dennis, Hugh
    1
    
18. Dent, Susie
    1
    ,
    2
    
19. Dexter, Colin
    1
    
20. Diamond, Bob
    1
    
21. Disney
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    
22. DNA
    1
    
23. Doctor Who
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    
24. Dr Strangelove
    1
    
25. Doctors
    1
    
26. dogs, dyed to look like other animals as solution to biodiversity crisis
    1
    
27. Double Falsehood
    1
    
28. Dowler, Milly
    1
    
29. Downfall
    1
    
30. Downton Abbey
    1
    ,
    
    1. terribleness and enjoyability of
       1
       ,
       2
       
31. Duffy, Lisa
    1