This Is a Book (19 page)
Authors: Demetri Martin
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #General, #American, #Literary Criticism, #Essays, #Jokes & Riddles, #American wit and humor
Dear Diary,
This afternoon, when I was trying to move my car to a better parking spot, I accidentally drove it directly into my fruit stand really fast. In a sick way, it felt kind of good. I’m starting to feel a little unstable. Linda told me I should see a psychiatrist. I laughed in her face and then started to cry. Whatever, I need to get back to rebuilding the stand now.
Dear Diary,
I’m having serious doubts about the fruit stand. And my recurring car-chase nightmares are getting more intense. I went to see Grandpa yesterday. I thought maybe he could offer some advice, seeing as how he used to be a fruit vendor himself. When I said the words “fruit stand” to him he started to shake and got a crazy look in his eyes. Then he ran into his kitchen and hid in one of the cabinets. I don’t remember what happened after that because I was too drunk.
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I sold the fruit stand. Today I was on my way to deliver it to its new owner when a police car drove directly into it. I started laughing really hard and drooling, and then I couldn’t stop laughing. Someone said that before I passed out I began to “scream and wrestle with the fruit.” I honestly don’t really remember doing that or writing the manifesto, which I apparently e-mailed to everyone I know. What a crazy few months it has been. Also, Linda left me.
Dear Diary,
I don’t ever want to see another piece of fruit again. On a lighter note, I spoke to my friend Dave today. He’s looking for someone to partner with him in a new business venture. We are going to start a mirror-moving company. I’m looking forward to a fresh start. I believe this investment will prove to be a good one.
I had a conversation with an alien from outer space. I don’t remember much of it. I was on a camping trip with my friends and I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk. I started to wander through the woods and that’s all I really remember. At some point I must have sat on my phone and accidentally called my friend’s phone because part of my conversation ended up in his voicemail as a very long message…
M
E:
… and that’s where babies come from.0em" width="-2em">A
LIEN:
I see.M
E:
I still can’t believe I’m talking to a real, live alien! Wow! Can I take your picture?A
LIEN:
No. Calm down. Drink this.
[
Drinking sounds
]
M
E:
I feel weird. What did I just drink?A
LIEN:
I have another question.M
E:
Okay.A
LIEN:
What are pets?M
E:
Pets. Oh, that’s easy. A pet is an animal that a person has.A
LIEN:
Why?M
E:
What?A
LIEN:
Why does the person have the animal?M
E:
Um, well, because they want to have a friend that’s an animal.A
LIEN:
I see. So, the person and the animal are friends?M
E:
Yeah.A
LIEN:
Does the animal, then, also have the person?M
E:
Uh… No. The animal is the pet, so the person
has
the animal, you know, as a pet. That’s what makes it a “pet.” So, where are you from anyway?A
LIEN:
That is not important.M
E:
This is awesome! Can I take your picture?A
LIEN:
No. Calm down. Drink this.
[
Drinking sounds
]
M
E:
I feel weird. What did I just drink?A
LIEN:
Now, do animals have pets?M
E:
No.A
LIEN:
So, only humans
have
other animals. Hm. Can these “pets” come and go as they please?M
E:
No, they can’t.A
LIEN:
Why not?M
E:
Because then they would get away.A
LIEN:
So a pet is a prisoner.M
E:
Well, no, not exactly—A
LIEN:
Ah, it is a hostage then?M
E:
Well, I guess technically you could say that, but the pet isn’t captured—well, it can be, but I think—I mean, it depends on the type of pet, so I don’t know if you could really call it a “hostage.”A
LIEN:
Well, does the pet have a choice?M
E:
No, not really.A
LIEN:
That’s a hostage.M
E:
I think it’s different, because—A
LIEN:
Can the pet eat whenever it wants?M
E:
No.A
LIEN:
That sounds a lot like a hostage to me.M
E:
…A
LIEN:
When does the pet eat?M
E:
That’s up to the owner.A
LIEN:
“Owner”?M
E:
Yeah, the person is the owner of the pet.A
LIEN:
I thought they were friends.M
E:
They are. They’re friends, but one of them owns the other one and feeds him and trains him to go to the bathroom at certain times and to behave certain ways.A
LIEN:
Hm.M
E:
Also, the owner can make the pet cuddle with him whenever he wants and will sometimes dress up the pet, like on Halloween.A
LIEN:
I see… What is Halloween?M
E:
Wow! This is crazy. I can’t believe I’m talking to an alien!! Can I take your picture?
LIEN:
No. Calm down. Drink more of this.M
E:
I don’t really want to.A
LIEN:
Drink this.M
E:
Okay.
[
Drinking Sounds
]
A
LIEN:
Now, what is Halloween?
Cappella Group Freak Accidents
An a cappella group is singing out on the quad of a college campus. Suddenly, a grizzly bear, which has just escaped from a nearby zoo, emerges from some bushes and charges directly into the group. The bear mauls several members of the a cappella group, attacking, with especially gruesome ferocity, one of the male baritones, who has a penchant for performing “funny” skits between songs. Animal control specialists arrive a short time later and restrain the bear. Paramedics do their best to treat the badly injured a cappella singers. Both the paramedics and animal control specialists are secretly pleased.
While an a cappella group is walking down the street and singing to themselves at a volume that is loud enough for everyone around them to hear, a passing fire truck inexplicably malfunctions. The fire truck’s hoses spontaneously turn on and blast the members of the group, knocking the singers off their feet and into some nearby bushes, which happen to be poison ivy. As the water hits the poison ivy, it creates a poison-ivy mist, which the singers inhale, giving them poison ivy on their vocal cords. The firemen turn off the hoses and drive away. They are secretly pleased.