This Regret (28 page)

His eyes are distant, his face creased in anger. He just stares at me, not saying anything.
Did I render him speechless for once?
I probably shouldn’t have added the last part, but I couldn’t help it. Kellan hasn’t left my mind and I have a feeling he never will. It’s impossible not to bring him up, no matter the situation or the consequences.

He lets out a dark chuckle, his eyes darkening to a shade of midnight blue. “So Kellan was your escape? I kind of figured that, but Jen refused to enlighten me on any details.” He shakes his head and presses his hand to his forehead, taking a deep breath and slowly blowing it out. “Where did you go? You must have had a late night since you didn’t bother picking up your car.”

Why did he have to come here? I’m trying to push the memories out of my mind so I can get back to reality and out of this stupid dream world I’ve been living in, even though it’s pointless. Now he's sitting here in front of me, forcing me to remind myself of the hurt I’m getting myself into.
Man, this is not cool.
I don’t want to talk about this right now, but it doesn’t look like I have much of a choice. “We went to see Adric, okay. Is that what you want to hear? We spent the whole night talking about Adric and old memories and it felt good. It felt so good remembering those days. I miss those days so damn much, Kade.” I stand up with my back facing the bed, choking back the tears that are threatening to form. Visiting Adric with Kellan was the happiest I’ve been in years. I loved that feeling and I don’t want to lose it, but I know eventually he’ll be gone and I’ll be a total wreck left to pick up the pieces of my heart left behind.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, soft and warm against my skin, before I’m spun around, face to face with Kade. His face presses against mine, his cheek resting against my lips as we both breathe heavily. “I’m sorry Phoenix. I’m sorry I don’t understand like he does, but what I do understand and he doesn’t, is what you’ve been through over the years when he was too coward to be here.” He turns his face slightly so his lips rest against the corner of mine, causing my heartbeat to quicken. “I’ve always been here, you just didn’t realize it until he was gone. It's time for you to realize I’m not going anywhere.”

Both of his hands cup my face as he crushes his lips against mine, wrapping his hand in the back of my hair. Lost in the moment, he turns us around so my back is facing the bed. Pushing me backwards until I'm lying on the bed, he spreads my legs and presses his body in the opening, our lips still touching.

His warm tongue slips through my parted lips
causing him to moan and slide his hand up the towel, snaking beneath me to cup my bare ass.

Panic sets in and my heart is pounding so fast it hurts. Not in a good way either.
This is so wrong. So so wrong.
Kade’s lips can never fill the void of Kellan’s, no matter how good they feel against me. Whether I’m kellan’s or not, my heart doesn’t sit with Kade. I need to push this back into the friend zone, where it should have stayed to begin with.

“Stop!” I place my hands on his chest and give him a light shove as I pull my face away from his and cover my face with my hands. “I can’t do this, Kade.”

He sits up and runs his hands through his curls, biting his bottom lip and grunting. “What is with you? You were all up for being with me before my brother showed back up. What is the deal, Phoenix? I want you bad. So fucking badly, I can’t even explain the feeling.” He runs his hand up my thigh again, brushing his hand over the wetness he’s causing, before slipping a finger inside. He shoves his finger further, leaning above me, as I let a small moan slip. “You can’t deny what I do to you,” he whispers against my lips. “You want this just as bad as I do. I can feel how wet you get when I touch you. Once you let me in, you will see how good it feels to have me inside you.”

“I said . . . I can’t.” I push him, but harder this time, pulling away from him and scrambling to my feet, gripping my towel to cover myself. He’s right, his touch does something to me. That’s why I’m so screwed up and I refuse to be weak and give myself to two men. I’m not up for playing these kind of games with him. “I can’t because I had sex with your brother last night and he’s all I can think about. He’s all I’ve ever thought about.” The words spill out before I can even think. The secret is out now, no matter who it hurts.

His jaw clenches, his fists tightening at his sides before he jumps to his feet and backs me into the wall with his hands planted on either sides of my face as he leans in close. “Are you stupid, Phoenix? You gave yourself to someone that abandoned you. Someone you haven’t seen in eight years. He just shows up out of nowhere and you throw yourself all over him and fuck him.” His voice shakes as he punches the wall with his fist, causing me to jump. “Fuck! I hate that asshole even more. Why the fuck did he come back? Things could have been good between us. Do you get what you’re throwing away? Throwing away for s
om
eone that is only going to hurt you in the end?”

My blood runs cold as he reminds me of the hurt I am sure will come. I’m not sure I can handle it when it does, but right now, seeing him while I can is enough to numb me from the thoughts. “I wasn’t throwing myself all over him, Kade.” I try to push his arms down so I can get away, but he’s too strong, keeping me blocked in. He stares me in the eye with a satisfied grin and that pisses me off more. “Dammit! Don’t you talk to me like this. You act as if you wouldn’t have hurt me in the end. Don’t think I don’t know your history with women. When was the last time you were faithful to someone, huh? Answer me.” I push his chest and lean my head against the wall, defeated. This is draining what little energy I have and I hate to waste it on such crap.

He huffs, dropping his arms to his sides and leaning into my ear. “Since I’ve been trying to get with you, Phoenix. I’ve turned numerous girls down for you and this is what I get.” He pulls away, shakes his head and walks toward the door. A part of my heart breaks as he walks away. I didn’t realize how serious he was about this. I thought it was all in fun. I never meant to hurt him.

Stopping, he stands frozen at the door. “When he hurts you don’t, I repeat, don’t come crawling to me. I warned you. Why, because that’s what friends do. So, goodbye . . . friend. Have a great fucking life and do me a favor.” He turns around as he reaches for the door handle. The look on his face is of pure rage and hate. “Tell my brother to fuck off.” He walks out slamming the door behind him so hard the walls shake.

Swallowing hard, I bury my face in the palm of my hands and stand there, frozen in place. I just hurt someone that I care about. I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into with these boys, but I know it can’t be good. I’m so damn confused I could scream. In fact, maybe that’s just what I’ll do, and I do. I scream because I’m pissed at myself for not being able to gain control of my thoughts and pissed at myself for being so weak when it comes to Kellan. From now on, I need to be stronger.

* * *

I drive myself to Jen’s house in a daze, feeling more like a zombie than an actual person. The streets, cars and houses all blur around me as I focus my vision on the road directly in front of me, pissed off at the world for my screw-ups. As emotional as I am at the moment, I probably shouldn’t even be driving. This isn’t safe, but then again, what the hell is anymore?

Pulling into her driveway and killing the engine, I rest my face against the side window and close my eyes in thought. The heated glass, from baking in the sunlight, warms my cheek. The heaviness of today is finally starting to weigh on me now that I’m fully awake and ready to start my day. I can’t stop thinking about how Adric should be here celebrating his twenty eighth birthday today. He should be strumming away at his old guitar, putting on a show for everyone to see. He was too young to die. As much as I want that to happen, it never will and it kills me more than anything does. He deserves to be here and sometimes his addiction pisses me off. I still don’t understand why, when he always seemed so happy and eager to live. Why did he need those damn pills? Everyone loved him and surrounded themselves with him every second they could. How could he need something to alter his state of mind? I didn’t even know about the drugs until that day.

After pulling myself together, I step out into the brightness of the sun and slowly walk through the long grass leading up to Jen’s small porch that houses mine and Adric’s old porch swing. It’s old and worn out. The brown cushions are ripped in various places and the wood is dull and weathered, but it was ours. My mother wanted to get rid of it years ago, but I refused to give it up, so when Jen moved into her house I asked her to take it with her. The porch of my apartment building is too small or else I would have taken it home with me. It's more of a covering than a porch.

Jen pushes open the screen door and walks outside just as I run my hands over the seat and sit down on my side of the swing. I always sat on the left while Adric sat on the right. My eyes blur as I run my hand over the empty seat next to me and let the tears spill. My whole body is shaking and my sobs come out as if they’re being choked out of me. I can barely breathe.

“I miss you so much. I can’t do this without you, Adi. Why can’t you come back? I would give up my life if I knew it would give you one more day on this earth. You were the greatest person I knew and I loved you more than anything. I still do. Everyone is different without you around to lighten the mood.” I feel Jen’s hand squeeze my shoulder and the tears come out in thick puddles now, soaking the seat beneath me. Having her comfort, makes me feel more vulnerable and I just want to let it all out.

“That’s it, Phoenix. Let it out sweetie. He’s listening.” She kneels down in front of me and places her head on mine, her lips against the back of my head as she soothes me. “I’ve been waiting for this day for years. It’s not healthy keeping it all in. He wouldn’t have wanted you harboring that kind of internal pain.”

She rubs circles on my back and we stay like this for a while, both of us in silence as I stare down at the seat Adric used to read his poetry to me from. It’s so easy to picture the image in my head. The wind blowing through his dark hair as he sat there with that huge Adric smile he used to wear so well. The one that made everyone stop and remember there was something to be grateful for. The one that made you wish you could look at that smile forever. He lived to make people happy. He had a smile that could light up the world. He just had a little rough side. A dark side that he never showed me. Even with the dark, he was and still is the best person I know. I wish I could see him one last time. One chance to tell him goodbye. He didn't give me a chance to tell him I love him. If I could have him back to me just one time, I would never ask for anything again.

“I was worried about you yesterday. I’m sorry I gave you a hard time. I just didn’t know how else to handle it at the moment.”

I tilt my head and look up into her caring eyes. She’s always been so genuine having my best interest at heart and I love her for that. She’s been the best friend a person could ask for. “I know,” I whisper. “You don’t need to say anything, Jen. Your mommy instincts have always been the best part of you and I know you only have my best interests at heart.”

I sit up, allowing her to take a seat next to me on the swing. We both stare out over the railing of the porch and look up toward the sky, taking in the sight of the big, beautiful clouds. We both spent a lot of time outside on this swing as well. Whenever Jen would stay the night and Adric was busy with Kellan, Jen and I would sit outside for hours having our famous girl talks. This swing holds so many shared secrets between everyone. If this swing had lips, we’d all be in a world of deep shit.

“You know, I never thought I would be able to handle these two days being back to back. It’s killed me for years, leaving me emotionally crippled, unable to do anything but crawl up in bed for two days, unresponsive. Some years even completely drunk to numb the pain for a while. Yesterday when I left with Kellan . . .” I pause to swallow and tilt my head to look at Jen. She looks back, waiting for me to continue. “We went to the cemetery and it was a beautiful experience. We laughed, cried, and spoke of old memories and I felt more alive than I have in years. He’s the only reason I’m able to be here today instead of curled up in bed. He’s made me realize that by pushing back memories of my brother, that I’m killing what I have left of him. Why couldn’t I see that before, Jen? What is wrong with me? Adric would be ashamed.”

She smiles small and runs her hand over the bar above her. “Nothing is wrong with you. Everyone handles grief in different ways and you just had a hard time finding the best way for you. Kellan was a big part of Adric’s life, of course he’s able to ease some of that pain you’re feeling. As much as I hate to say it, because I’m afraid of him hurting you, your brother would be so happy to see you two finding your way together. Just be careful. It’s never safe having two brothers want you. It always leaves one getting hurt and not to mention, yourself.”

A knot forms in my stomach as I remember Kellan’s words. Kellan doesn’t want me. At least not like I want him. He had sexual needs he took care of and that’s all it was. He’s probably planning his trip back to wherever he came from as we speak. Maybe that’s for the best. That way no one has to hurt, except me. “That’s the thing. Kellan doesn’t want me. Not like that at least.” I breathe. “We just had a little fun and that’s all it was. It’s over now. An act of-”

Jen turns all the way around so her knees are facing me now. She holds her arm up in front of her and her eyes widen. “Whoa, whoa wait. Back that up a minute, girlie.” Her eyes turn curious as she stifles a smile. “What kind of fun are we talking about here? Like sex on a pool table fun, or pin the tail on the donkey kind of fun?”

My face flushes a deep shade of red as I realize what I just let slip.
Shit! I can’t keep this a secret now.
Besides, I’m sure Kade will be quick to spread the news due to his hate and anger anyhow. She might as well hear it from me first. “We had sex,” I say barely loud enough for her to hear. “On the roof of his tattoo shop.”

I’m not the only one blushing now. Her whole face is red and her hand is working fast to fan her face off. “Oh my goodness. You lucky bitch,” she screams. “I can’t breathe and I’m not even the one that had sex with him. What is that saying? That sounds hot. The roof? It was good wasn’t it? Wait, don’t even tell me. It just has to be, right? Look at the boy. He's a walking orgasm. All a girl has to do is look at him and she gets her rocks off.”

I can’t help but to laugh as I watch her squirming in her seat, wiping at her sweaty forehead. I don’t blame her. It’s hot as hell out here and so is Kellan. It’s bound to make anyone sweat. He is sex on a stick and he has the power to make any girl give in to his every want and need. That’s what worries me. “I’m going to keep that my little secret, but I think you can guess for yourself.” I smirk, making her shake her head and bite down on her lip. “Do I need to get your vibrator? I’ll give you a little private time with your girlie bits if you need it. I don’t mind.”

We both burst out laughing and it feels good to let it all out. We haven’t laughed like this in years. Not since before she got with Nate. He’s kind of ruined everything over the last couple years. It make me despise him.

Once the laughter stops and we catch our breath, her face takes on a serious look. “I think Nate found the vibrator. When I went grocery shopping this morning, I noticed the plastic looked a little torn as if someone was trying to take it out and mess with it. He’s going to be pissed if he found it, Phoenix. He already complains about our sex life or the lack of, should I say. This is going to be like a blow to the face to him.”

Rolling my eyes, I throw my legs up and cross them over her lap. “He doesn’t deserve to get laid. He needs a good wake up call, Jen. Maybe what he needs is a blow to the face.” I smile mischievously and raise an eyebrow as I pop my knuckles for show. “I’d be happy to knock some sense into him.”

Both of our heads jolt up as we hear the sound of screeching tires.
Just lovely
.

Speaking of the devil, here he is now. Of course, he would have the worse timing. He always does. Everything about him is just bad. A bad seed is what he is. Just when we were letting loose and enjoying each other’s company.

His rusted up Jeep comes to a screeching halt at the end of the driveway and then the driver side door swings open to an angry looking Nate.

“Oh crap! I think you should go.” Jen pushes my legs down, jumps to her feet in a panic, and grabs my arm, pulling me up to mine. “I know you’re going to be hard headed, but don’t. Trust me, I’ll call you later.”

I watch her, watching him and the fear is visible in her eyes, making her whole body tense up as he stumbles out of the Jeep almost falling to his face in the grass. The asshole is clearly drunk and it’s barely two in the afternoon, not to mention he's driving! The selfish asshole could kill someone. I wish he had fallen on his face. I would have paid to see that crap.
What is with this dip-shit anyways? I have no idea what she’s ever seen in him.

Leaning into her ear, I whisper, “I don’t think so. He’s drunk and he looks like he’s about to hold up a bank or some shit. I’m not going anywhere so don’t even try that crap with me.”

Slamming the door behind him, he takes long strides though the grass, stops in front of us, and tilts his head to the side, tossing his cigarette down beside him. “What the fuck Jen? Don’t you have cleaning or some shit to do?” He twists his foot into the cigarette, putting it out as he exhales the smoke. “Get your ass inside and say goodbye to your friend. I told you I don't want people over at my house unless I give you permission.”

“Excuse me?” I ask, being sure my ears heard him correctly. Jen takes a step back as if she’s about to obey his command, but I reach out grabbing her arm to stop her. Who does this son of a bitch think he is talking to her that way? I always knew there was something off about him.
Damn psycho, douche bag.
“I don’t know what makes you think you have the right to speak to her that way, but if I were you . . . I’d leave. You’ve clearly had too much to drink and it’s clouding your judgment.”

He looks at me in silence as he takes a step onto the first step, challenging me. He looks possessed as if this is the kind of thing that turns him on; belittling women. Laughing, he rubs his hand over his freshly shaven head and wriggles his brows at me. “Is that right?” He looks past me at Jen and smiles. “What do you say, Jen? Do you want me out of here?”