This World We Live In (The Last Survivors, Book 3) (16 page)

Dad moved Mrs. Nesbitt's table back into the kitchen, and we sat around it for our prayer service.

It made things feel more ordinary, and I was glad for that.

Someone would start a hymn and whoever knew it would join in. I asked for "Take My Hand, Precious Lord," since that was Grandma's favorite. There were some prayers, and Syl talked about the peace she felt when she accepted Christ as her savior. I guess that happened after the moon goddess Diana proved to be such a dud.

Charlie gave a sermon, if you could cal it that. He said he'd been thinking a lot about Noah and his family lately, what it must have been like for them those 40 days and 40 nights. As far as they knew, they were the only people left on Earth. Everybody would be descended from them but only if they survived, and they had to trust in God that they would.

"I bet the rabbits weren't worried about that,"

Charlie said. "They just did what rabbits do. But it's our curse and our blessing to remember the past and to know there's a future."

He reached over, touched Lisa with his right hand and Syl with his left. "Our past is gone," he said.

"But our future is in this house right now. Little Gabriel, sleeping peaceful y in his crib. The children Syl wil bear. Miranda and Julie, too. Their babies, born and unborn, are God's gift to the future, just as the ark was."

Dad squeezed Lisa's hand. Matt squeezed Syl's. I felt very much a part of something and very much alone.

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Alex, Julie, and Jon came in, and Dad and Lisa served us dinner. It was crowded in the kitchen, and we couldn't al fit around the table. Dad, Matt, and Alex ate standing by the sink.

We never used to have Sunday dinner. Sunday was for track meets and skating competitions and basebal games. But even with a beef jerky main course, Sunday dinner felt special.

"I should get back to Mom," I said. "I'l walk you home," Alex said.

It felt funny to be outside without needing a coat. It felt funny to be walking with a boy. It felt funny and awful to think in a couple of days I wouldn't see him again. He and Julie would be like al the other people who'd been part of my life and then left me.

"Have you changed your mind?" I asked him.

"About Julie staying?"

"No," he said. "Did you think I would?"

I shook my head. "I'm stil hoping, though," I said.

"And that you'l stay, too."

"We're leaving on Tuesday," he said. "It's better for everybody. There'l be more food for you."

"Thank you for being so noble," I said. "But we'd rather be hungry with you."

Alex laughed. It surprises me every time he does.

Then he surprised me again. "You would have been my dream girl," he said. "Before. Beautiful and smart and funny and kind."

"I don't have to be," I said. "A dream, I mean. I'm here. You're here. Why leave?"

"Because it's best," he said. "Maybe not now, this minute, but for the future."

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"You drive me crazy," I said. "You. Charlie.

Everybody. You talk about the future like you're so sure we're going to have one."

"You have to believe in the future," Alex said.

"Otherwise there's no point being alive."

"That's easy for you to say!" I cried. "You have your faith, your church. But I don't believe like that. Maybe I used to but I don't anymore."

I thought Alex would get angry at me then, but he didn't. "You don't have to believe in the church," he said. "Or even in God. Believe that people can change things."

"No," I said. "I don't know that anymore." My mind flashed back to the dead man with his dog lying beside him. "We're al helpless," I said. "There's nothing we can do. There's nothing left to trust in."

"Trust in tomorrow," Alex said. "Every day of your life, there's been a tomorrow. I promise you, there'l be a tomorrow."

"Do you trust in tomorrow?" I asked.

"I have to," he said. "For Julie's sake."

"But you don't trust in us," I said. "To look after Julie."

He answered with silence.

"You don't trust in anything, either," I said. "Not real y. Your God, your church, your tomorrow. You don't even trust Carlos. You're just doing what he tel s you because it's easier."

"That's not true," Alex said. "You don't understand."

"I do understand," I said. "But I don't care. I'm not a dream girl. I'm a real human being with real feelings.

How can I trust tomorrow? Tomorrow terrifies me. I wake up every morning scared and I go to bed every night scared, and al those tomorrows I've lived through are exactly the

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same. Hunger and fear and loneliness. Exactly the same as you, as everybody. Only you're worse, because when we ask you to share our hunger and our fear and our loneliness, you turn your back on us. I may be lonely and scared and hungry, but I haven't given up on loving people yet. You have. Or maybe you never loved anyone. Maybe al your life was dreams."

Alex grabbed me. I knew he would. I knew he'd kiss me, and he did, and I kissed back. Only it wasn't a dream-girl kiss. It wasn't a kiss of love or even excitement, not the way I've been kissed before.

There was so much anger in his kiss. In mine, too.

We shared it, the electric volt, and when we broke away from each other, we were both shaking.

"I'm sorry," he said. "For everything." He gestured wildly, as though he was taking responsibility for the last horrible year of my life.

"It's okay," I said. "It was just a dream."

I walked the rest of the way home alone.

June 19

I was nervous someone would suggest that Alex and I go into town to get our food, but Dad and Jon ended up going instead.

Alex and Julie came over this evening to thank us for our hospitality and to say good-bye. Julie looked a wreck and Alex didn't look much better, and when they left, Jon ran to his room and hasn't come out since.

I wish Alex would go already. I wish he would never leave.

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***

Chapter 13 June 20

The first official day of summer.

I checked the thermometer and it was close to 60.

But then it started to rain, and it never stopped.

Jon spent the day sulking. I did, too. Matt and Syl spent it in their room, but I doubt they were sulking.

I don't know if Alex and Julie left. He was so determined, but the weather was awful.

I could have gone to Dad's to find out, but I didn't want Alex to know I cared. Assuming he's stil there.

Which he probably isn't, because he's a total idiot who would take his sister out in a hurricane if his big brother told him to.

The last living boy in America can go to hel for al I care. Except I do care, and he's probably already there.

June 21

It's stil raining.

Charlie dropped over to talk mysteries with Mom.

"Alex and Julie haven't left yet," he said. "Julie's developed a bit of a cough. We were wondering if you had any cough medicine around."

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Mom gave Jon what little we have left, and he raced over with it. He didn't come back until after supper.

June 22

The third straight day of rain. Jon says Alex and Julie haven't left yet.

My guess is rain or snow, they'l go tomorrow. And I'l be glad. Not for Jon, who'l be heartbroken, or for Julie. Not for Alex, either, because I don't care what he feels.

I'l be glad for me. Once Alex is gone, I'l never have to think of him again. I'l throw him onto the mound of bodies and forget I ever met him.

Why not? He's already forgotten me.

June 23

It stopped raining. The ground is nothing but mud.

"I don't see how they could possibly go," Mom said to Matt and Jon and me at our rice and beans breakfast. "The convent is ninety miles from here.

That's a four-day walk."

"They might be able to pick up bikes on the way,"

Matt said.

"They stil have to find them," Mom said. "And who knows where they'l sleep. They've got to wait for things to dry out before they go."

That was al Jon needed to hear. Off he ran.

"I hope they're gone," Matt said. "The longer they stay, the harder it's going to be on Jon. And I'l be just as glad never to see Alex again."

"Why do you say that?" Mom asked.

"He's a parasite," Matt said. "He's a danger chopping wood. I'm always worried he's going to cut off one of his

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fingers or one of mine. I don't think he's done a day's worth of physical labor in his life. He sits and he reads and he eats our food. Which we'l run out of soon enough anyway."

"It's thanks to Alex we have food," I said. "He's the one who found it and figured out how to get it back here. He was the one who made us search the whole house." I pictured the half-eaten man and shuddered.

"It's great you found al that food," Matt said. "But it isn't going to happen again. In the meantime Alex eats what little we have. And I don't like the way he plays up to Dad."

"He doesn't play up to Dad," I said. "Dad loves him. There's a difference."

"Why does Dad love him, then?" Matt said. "It's not because of anything he does."

"I don't know," I said. "But Dad loves Syl, too, and she doesn't do anything, either."

"Miranda," Mom said, but it was too late.

"Don't you ever speak about my wife that way!"

Matt shouted. "She's given up everything to be with me!"

"To get your food, you mean!" I shouted right back.

"To have a place to sleep and people who wait on her hand and foot!"

We were sitting on the floor around the woodstove. Matt lunged for me.

"Matt, stop it!" Mom screamed, and I think that startled Matt into stopping. I got up and ran out of the sunroom, down the path to Mrs. Nesbitt's.

Matt's my big brother. We used to fight when we were kids. But he always knew when to stop.

This time I don't think he would have known when.

I found Alex standing outside the house, checking the sky, examining the mud. I ran straight into his arms, and

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before I could catch my breath, we were kissing.

No rage this time. Just hunger and need.

"No," he said. At least that's what I think he said. I know I wouldn't have thought it on my own.

"Stay with us," I said. "Don't leave me."

"I have to," he said. "Julie can't stay here. We've got to go."

"But I don't want you to!" I cried like a five-year-old.

Alex kissed me and I didn't feel five anymore. I wasn't a kid having a tantrum because someone took my favorite toy. I was a woman, and this was the man I wanted, and I was losing him.

We held on to each other, not wanting the moment to end, because when it did, our life together would also end. Our kisses grew deeper, our hands explored more, we gave each other al we could in that single passing moment.

June 24

Matt's gone back to chopping wood. He insisted Jon work with him.

Mom and I cleaned the house. Charlie dropped by to invite us over for Sunday prayers and dinner.

"How's Julie doing?" Mom asked.

"She's a little better," Charlie said. "The cough medicine seems to have helped. Hal's convinced Alex to stay until Tuesday. Let's hope the weather's better this week."

"I think I'l see how she's doing," I said. "Mom, is there anything I can bring?"

"I don't think so," Mom said. "I gave them the last of our cough medicine."

"Wel , I'l check and see, anyway," I said. I didn't even sound convincing to myself.

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When I got there, Lisa was playing with Gabriel.

Of course once he saw me, he began crying.

"He's al ergic to me," I said, and Lisa laughed.

"He's ready for his nap," she said. "Julie's resting now. Alex is in the parlor, though, if you want to see him."

"I guess so," I said, and walked through the house as casual y as I could. Al I wanted to do was fling myself into his arms. Alex must have felt the same way because he gestured for me to be quiet. We slipped out the front door and ran far from the house.

"This is wrong," he said as we embraced. "We have to stop."

"Stopping is wrong," I said, kissing him to prove my point.

He pul ed away. "Miranda, listen to me," he said.

"We can't do this. I'm leaving in two days. I'l never see you again. You have to believe that."

It's funny. That's al I've heard for weeks now, how Alex and Julie wil be leaving. Maybe because they talk and talk and talk about it but never actual y go, I've stopped believing it.

"What if Julie isn't ready?" I asked. "What if she's stil sick next week?"

"She can't be," Alex said. "I have to get her to the sisters while I can. She has to be with people who'l protect her."

"You'l protect her," I said. "We'l protect her. And don't use Carlos as an excuse anymore. He's thousands of miles away. You're here. I'm here.

Explain why getting Julie to the convent is more important than you and me. Because I try to understand, Alex. I hear the words, but I don't get the meaning."

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Alex kissed me, and when he held on to me, I felt how reluctant he was to open up, how scared.

"It's al right," I said. "Just tel me."

He looked straight at me, and once again I could see al the suffering in his eyes. "New York was very bad," he said. "Every day you'd think, Wel this is as bad as it can get, and then it got worse. I saw things, I did things, things I never want you to know."

"You could tel me anything," I said, but he interrupted me.

"I love you for thinking that, but you're wrong," he said. "You can't imagine what things were like.

Carlos couldn't understand. He got to Texas in the very beginning, and the Marines have fed him, sheltered him, protected him."

"Has Julie seen those things?" I asked.

He nodded.

"She survived," I said. "I could, too. Alex, don't feel like you have to protect me. That's not what I want."

"I can't protect you," he said. "I can't protect anyone. I can't even do what Carlos tel s me and get Julie to the convent. The rain stops me. You stop me."