Three Girls And A Leading Man (23 page)

He laughed. “Not quite. In fact, my
agent is a little upset with me these days.” He took another bite of food and I
waited again while he chewed. “Do you remember when I told you about my plans
for a new company in Detroit?” he finally asked.

I nodded.

“Well, I’ve just managed to get the
last of the funding I need and we’ve found a space in the city. We’ve
identified a playwright we’d like to work with and we’re looking at the summer
for our first production. It looks like this is the real deal.”

“Holy shit,” I whispered, now
feeling the excitement that had been missing earlier. A brand new company,
right in the city. Knowing Jenner, they’d be finding amazing shows to do. And
he had said he wanted to set up an educational component. I could see it all so
clearly. “That’s going to be amazing, Jenner,” I said firmly. “I know it will.”

“Thank you,” he said. I had the
impression he was watching me closely, like he was waiting for something.

“Maybe…maybe when the show is done
in New York, I could help out,” I said uncertainly, hoping I wasn’t
overstepping my bounds.

Jenner didn’t respond for a moment.
I still had the feeling he was waiting for something. “You should definitely
call me when you’re done. That is, if you don’t decide to stay in New York.
This show will be pretty big for your resume.”

I tried to imagine that. Living in
New York and going out on auditions. Another crappy apartment like the one I
lived in now. Not knowing anyone except for the same people I’d had dinner with
the week before. Going home a few times a year to see the girls. Danny getting
big without me.

“I have to say, I’m a little
surprised,” Jenner said, rousing me from my thoughts.

“About what?”

“I was sure when I told you about
the company you’d be begging me to take you back to Detroit,” he said, raising
his eyebrows at me. “When I told you about it before you seemed so excited.
Much more excited then when I told you about New York.”

I stared at him. How could he tell?

“Listen, Annie. You’re a wonderful
actress. I consider you one of the great finds of my career.” He met my eyes
and I felt a lump form in my throat. It was one of the nicest compliments
anyone had ever given me. “You’ve earned this role and the chance to take it to
New York. But I want to make sure you realize something.” He held my gaze. “You
don’t have to leave to be an actress.”

I stared down at my plate, unsure
of how to respond. It was the same thing I had been telling people my whole
life—that I didn’t have to leave home to do the thing I loved. But this
was New York. This was an opportunity people would kill for…

“I love this play,” I told him
finally. “It would be make me sick to leave it for someone else to do.”

He nodded, and returned to his
food.

“Besides,” I said, feeling the need
to explain myself further. “Besides, how could I ever make people understand? I
had a chance to go to New York and I passed it up? No one would ever take me
seriously as an actress again.”

Jenner was quiet for a moment.
“Annie,” he finally said, his voice soft. “For a long time I thought that I had
to live in L.A. in order to do the work I wanted to do. But I wasn’t happy. And
honestly…” He paused, and I looked up into his eyes once again. “What the hell
is the point of any of this if you aren’t happy?”

Chapter Twenty-eight

‘There are some women
that are afraid to love. Maybe there is some hurt in your past that you’ve had
difficulty getting over. Maybe you’re insecure that he will not love you back.
In the end, only you can overcome these feelings. Love is the most amazing,
precious, reaffirming gift you can receive. Give into it.’ —
The Single Girl’s Guide to Finding True
Love

After leaving the hotel, I didn’t
waste any time before calling Ginny. I had my phone to my ear before I’d even gotten
into my cab.

“I don’t know what to do,” I told
her as soon as she answered.

“About Nate?” she asked, her voice
excited.

“What? No. What are you talking
about?” I asked, bewildered.

“Oh…uh, nothing. What were
you
talking about?”

“I don’t know if I want to go to
New York,” I told her. “I mean, that’s crazy, right? I have to go. It’s New
York.”

“Did the show get picked up?”

“Yeah. In the spring. I just had
lunch with Jenner and he told me I can continue the role if I want to.”

“But you don’t know if you want
to?” she asked.

“No. It would be crazy to say no. I
have to go. It’s New York.”

“Annie,” she said. “You don’t have
to do anything.”

“What would you do?” I asked. “If
you knew the best place for your career was in New York, what would you do?”

“I’d ask Josh if there was a way we
could make it work,” she said simply.

“What if he said no? What if the
only way you could go is to leave everyone behind?”

“Annie, this is silly,” she said.
“I can’t tell you what to do. Our situations are very different. I can do my
job from anywhere. Besides, I’m married. I don’t get to make decisions just for
me.”

“Doesn’t that drive you crazy?” I
asked, suddenly desperate to understand her thinking. How she could give up so
much of herself for her husband? “Taking other people into account? Don’t you
ever just wish you could do whatever you wanted?”

“No,” she said simply. “I really
don’t. Josh and I have a partnership. I know you think that’s cheesy, but it’s
the best way I can describe it.”

I was quiet for a minute. “I think
that’s the part you never got,” she said softly. “That being with someone is
not a burden, not when you’re right for each other. We don’t hold each other
back, Ann. We make each other better.”

I had no response to that. I wanted
to believe her so bad, to believe that it could be that way. Since I was a kid
all I had seen of love was how it could hurt you, how it could drain you. How
unbalanced it was. In my experience, there was always a winner and a loser.

“It’s really not that different
from how you and I are, you know?” she continued. “I mean, since Danny came,
you and Jen made a ton of decisions that took him into account. Did you resent
him for it?”

“He’s a baby, Gin,” I said. “How
could I resent him?”

“No, he’s your
family
. And it’s no different with me and you. Or me and Josh.
Family is worth it.”

I took a deep breath, letting her
words wash over me. “I should go,” I said. “I’m almost home.”

“You are?” Her voice sounded funny.

“What?” I asked, immediately
suspicious.

“Listen, don’t get mad at me,” she
said in a rush. “I didn’t think you would mind, honestly.”

“Ginny, what’d you
do
?”

Before she could respond, the cab
was pulling up in front of my apartment. There was a man leaning up against the
brick wall of the building, the collar of his wool overcoat pulled high against
the cold. It didn’t matter that part of his face was covered—I would know
him anywhere.

“Ginny, what did you do?” I
repeated. “Did you give him my address?”

“I’m sorry!” she said. “He called
me, I didn’t know what else to do. Are you mad? Don’t be mad!”

“I have to go,” I told her. “The
meter’s running.”

“Call me!” she shouted before I
could hang up.

I pulled some bills from my purse
and hurriedly paid the cabbie, probably over-tipping in my haste, before
climbing out onto the sidewalk, my eyes locked on the man in front of me.

“Hey,” Nate said softly.

I felt the strongest urge to burst
into tears at the sight of him, but I managed to control myself.

“Hey.”

I stared at him for a long moment.
He looked so beautiful standing there, outside of my shitty apartment on this
shitty street in Chicago.

“Do you…do you wanna come up?” I
asked.

“Sure,” he said. He hadn’t smiled
at me, hadn’t tried to hug me. Didn’t even look at all happy to see me. I had
to wonder what he was doing there. Had he come to tell me off? To yell at me
about ruining the first chance at happiness I had really had in years?

I opened the front door of my
building and led him down the stairs to my apartment. I felt a flash of
embarrassment just before I opened the door, but I tamped it down. He had never
cared too much about money before. It was silly for me to worry about him
judging me now.

“So,” I said awkwardly as we stood
in the tiny entryway. “Uh, this is my apartment. Why don’t you sit down and
I’ll get us something to drink? I have tea and some really horrible cheap
wine.”

“I’ll take the wine,” he said,
sitting down on the couch. I winced as he sank low into the broken springs.

I hurried into the kitchen, eager
to get a second to clear my head. Seeing him again had shocked me. I felt
off-balance and awkward. As I found two plastic glasses and poured out the
wine, I realized my hands were shaking.

“Here you go,” I told him,
rejoining him in the living room and handing him his cup. “Sorry, I don’t have
many proper dishes. This place is just supposed to be temporary and…” I
realized I was rambling and forced myself to knock it off. I contemplated
sitting on the couch next to him, but the sagging cushion would only end up
making me fall into his lap. I could definitely do without the physical contact
at this point.

“So,” I said, sitting on the cheap
folding chair opposite him. “What brings you out this way?”

“Work stuff,” he said. “There’s a
conference in Chicago this weekend that they sent me to. I figured since I was
out here I may as well give you a call.”

“I’m glad you did,” I said quietly,
staring down at my wine.

“Annie,” he said. Nothing else.
Just my name. He sounded so tired, so weary, like I was exhausting him already.
The thought made my heart clench.

“I’ve missed you,” I said, figuring
I had nothing to lose. “I’ve really, really missed you.”

“Why?” he asked. “Have you been
lonely?” There was an edge to his voice that made me look up. He was staring at
me with a hard look on his face. Like he was angry, or impatient.

“No,” I said. “I don’t miss you
because I’m lonely. I miss you because you’re you. And it sucks not having you
around.”

He didn’t reply, just looked at me
evenly. Like he didn’t believe me.

“I missed you too,” he said at
last. The use of the past tense was not lost on me, and it made my heart drop.
That was it then. He was over me.

I gazed at his face, this boy who
had been so nice to me, who had seen through all of my pretensions. The first
boy who had ever tried to break down my walls, had ever been interested in what
was going on inside my heart. This boy that I threw away because I was too
scared to accept the fact that he might actually be good to me.

The least I could do is tell him
the truth.

“Remember that day in Vegas, when
we had first met and we were talking about our families?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah,” he said, sounding
surprised. “That was our first date. I remember all of it.”

I nodded. “You…you told me about
your dad and I told you about my parents.”

“You were so uncomfortable,” he
said, shaking his head. “God, I remember looking at you and thinking that it
seemed like you thought I was about to arrest you or something. Like you wanted
to crawl out of your skin.”

I laughed, a short humorless laugh.
“Yeah. That’s usually how I get when people want to talk about my dad. I try to
pretend like it never happened, you know? Because then it can’t hurt me.”

“You try to pretend like he never
left?” he asked, sounding confused.

“No,” I said, looking down at my
glass again. I didn’t want to have to look at his face when I admitted how weak
I was. “The leaving was the good part. I try to forget all the stuff that
happened before he left.”

“Like what?” he asked quietly.

“He…he cheated on my mom,” I said
slowly. “For years. And she knew it. She kept taking him back…or rather, she
kept begging him to come back. It was always the same, he would screw around,
move in with his girlfriend, and she and I would wait. When she helped me say
my prayers at night she would always remind me to ask God to bring my daddy back.
I never understood where he was, or why. Not until I got older.”

I took a deep breath, determined to
keep my voice steady. I never talked about this, not ever. Besides Ginny and
Jen, I had never told a soul.

“When I was older, I realized what
‘affair’ meant. And ‘mistress’. I started to get mad at him, so fucking mad.
Why the hell was he leaving us that way? Why was he choosing those other women
over us? I told my mom I hated him once, and she slapped me. She actually
slapped me across the face. It was the only time she had ever hit me. And she
did it in defense of the man that was cheating on her.”

I shook my head, disgust for her
threatening to overwhelm me. “Once she calmed down, she told me that I
shouldn’t blame him. It was just how men were. That’s what she told me. ‘All
men are like that, Annie.’”

“Ann,” he said, his voice tight,
but I held up my hand.

“It’s not like I believed her,” I
said quickly. “I know that there are plenty of men who don’t cheat. And I
didn’t expect you to, like, fool around on me or anything like that. I just…”

I paused, at a loss for words. I
could feel the tears coming and I was so desperate to hold them off.

“I just didn’t want to end up like
her,” I finally said. “I promised myself that I would never, never end up like her.
Wouldn’t let my happiness depend on any man, no matter what. She still misses
him, can you believe that?” My voice was closing up now, the tears imminent,
and I gulped several times. “The last time he left, it was for good. He got
remarried, has new kids. And she still wishes, to this day, that he would come
back. The day that I…that we…that day in my bedroom I had just gotten off the
phone with her. He took her to lunch and she was so excited to tell me about
it.”