Through Indigo's Eyes (28 page)

The woman gave me a few little nods as if she somehow understood that it really was important for me to know the answer. “He was at a swimming pool at a resort in Mexico,” she said, “and somehow ended up in the deep end. No one really knows how it happened, but he couldn't swim, so they figure he had some kind of accident and fell. The lifeguards tried to resuscitate him, but from what I heard, he was dead when they pulled him out.”

I closed my eyes and grabbed on to the counter for support. I had felt the push. Twice. Twice I had felt it. And then we had talked about swimming and pools because he was going swimming and didn't want to. Should I have connected the two things? They ruled his death an accident so obviously nothing had been done intentionally. Maybe he was even pushed by a dog. Or he walked into someone because he wasn't looking. Or perhaps a group of kids had run by him and accidently knocked him over. I would never know. I should have warned him to be careful around water. Why hadn't I said something to him? I should have just said to be careful around pools. If I had said something, he might have been more observant.

I hated this! I hated knowing things and not knowing what to say and do.

I opened my eyes and put my hand to my forehead. “Is there going to be a funeral? I checked the newspapers and didn't find any information.”

The receptionist shook her head. “The family kept it private. They didn't think he had many friends.”

“Thank you,” I whispered.

She eyed me with genuine concern. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” My voice squeaked. “I'm fine.”

The woman took off her glasses, and her mouth lifted upward in a small, simple smile. “I guess he did have a friend, after all. I'll make sure to tell his parents that someone asked about him.”

My legs felt really mushy, like they couldn't hold me up, as I walked into the hallway. My hands shook, and all I wanted was a cigarette, something that would make me forget about everything. I didn't care if it was freezing rain outside or if I had a class.

With my head down, I rushed to the back door. When I was almost there, I heard John's voice and looked up. He was leaning against the wall, laughing with Amber. To see them standing so close made something bristle inside me. Amber must have sensed me staring, because she glanced my way, but only for a second before she patted John's arm and left. John waved to me as if what was going on with him and Amber was nothing.

Was I feeling paranoid about John talking to Amber because of Nathan? Was I being overly sensitive this morning?

With his lanky stride, John approached. “This weather is crazy,” he said. “Were you going outside?”

“I need a quick cigarette before class.” I shoved my hands in my jacket pockets. “Want to join me?”

“I can't.” He pulled out a thick pile of papers and held them up. “Finished my essay on Cayce and want to hand it in first block.” He grinned proudly. “I think this is the best work I've ever done. I got so into this guy. I could have written a book on him.”

“About time you finished,” I said. At least now we wouldn't have to talk about that fraud Cayce any more.

“He helped so many people,” said John.

“Well, good luck with the paper,” I said halfheartedly. I did not want to talk about this and how he had helped people.

But you saved the woman
.

But Nathan is dead.

But you saved the woman
.

But. Nathan. Died!

“I just kept writing, and it flowed.” John continued talking as if I weren't standing in front of him. “I couldn't believe it. I think I'm going to get a good mark on this piece of work. Like, my best mark ever.”

“Good,” I mumbled.

“He was just so fascinating. The things he could do.”

I didn't help Nathan.
Why didn't I help Nathan?

“Hey, I forgot to tell you,” John said with excitement. “I think I found someone like Cayce in the Ottawa area. He claims to be able to do the same thing. I might go to him to ask some questions. I think it would be a cool experience. Just to see how he does it.”

“No one can see stuff that happens in the future!” I snapped.

John frowned and held up his hand. “Whoa. What's wrong with you? Amber thought it was cool.”

“You talked to Amber about this?”

“Why not? Believe it or not, Indie, she wants to hear what I have to say and is open-minded. Unlike you.”

“I'm—I'm sorry I snapped,” I said quietly.

He leaned toward me. “Weather like this makes people crazy.” He touched my cheek. “I gotta go,” he said.

“And I need a cigarette.” I turned on my heel and headed outside.

Once outside, I opted not to walk all the way to the smoking area and instead leaned against the wet brick and cupped my hands to spark my cigarette. My hands shook as I put the cigarette to my lips. The rain fell softly from the sky, but as soon as it made contact with a building, fence, tree, ground, or whatever it landed on, it froze. It was so ironic that something so beautiful and soft could end up so stiff and tough in just a second. Sometimes John was like that: one minute soft and rounded, then in a second, he could be hard and sharp.

The rain glistened and shone against a gray backdrop. I looked out across the field and could see that now the weight of the ice on the tree branches was causing them to bend. The sky was gray. And the rain just kept falling. But still there was no wind. I pulled the collar of my jacket up. At least being outside in this weather was helping me forget about Nathan. I didn't want to think about why I hadn't helped him, if I could have done anything at all.

Taking a drag on my cigarette, I sucked in the smoke, holding it as long as I could before I blew it out. I did that over and over, until I felt my body relax. I hated the fact that I liked smoking. I knew it was bad for me, yet I still did it.

A puff on a cigarette made me feel … what? Normal somehow? Yet another teenager who was trying to prove something? I was anything but normal.

Nathan. My heart hurt for him. I took another drag. And another. I was just so unsure about what I was supposed to do with my visions. I really just wished they would go away. They confused me and made me scared, because I had no idea how to handle them. I had told Lacey about the vision of Burke with Amber, and look what happened: she hated me. I hadn't told Nathan, and look what happened: he died.

You saved a woman, Indie
.

“Why do you talk to me all the time?”

I'm here to help you. Guide you
.

“I can't be guided. There is nowhere to go with all of this.”

I glanced around to see if anyone was nearby. If kids at school heard me talking to myself, they would think I was certifiably nuts. But I was alone in a gray world with freezing rain falling from the sky.

You have a path you must follow. You see and hear for a reason
.

“A path. Yeah, right. An icy road, maybe—one where I can slip and fall and look like an idiot.” I took another huge drag from my cigarette, holding the smoke in my lungs until I thought they would burst.

Then it hit me. A huge jab.

Burke!

I straightened my spine. Something was going to happen to him. I had seen it on Halloween! I had to warn Lacey or say something to someone.

Nathan died.

Because I didn't say anything.

I couldn't live through another death like this one. I just couldn't.

My cigarette hung from my fingers, the ashes dropping, dropping. I just stood ramrod straight, unable to move. I stared out at the world, the rain, the ice, the gray. Why couldn't I move? My mind and body felt locked. Then I felt the heat on my fingers, the sting of fire. And I also felt the cold.

My hair was covered in ice, and I was shivering. There was nothing left of my cigarette; I had burned it to a stub. I had to get inside.

I ran back into the school, shaking my head, little shards of ice flying all over the floor.

The freezing rain continued for the rest of the morning, and the sidewalks soon became one big sheet of ice. At noon the principal came over the loudspeaker, telling us that they were closing the school due to the ice storm. Hoots and hollers sounded from every classroom. When I arrived at my locker to get my coat, John was waiting for me, and I didn't see Lacey. Now I couldn't say anything about the Burke vision. With the weather, it was not the time. But what if he got in a car accident?

But I knew he wasn't going to have a car accident. That wasn't how it was going to be.

“Let's hang out at your place,” said John, casually leaning against my locker.

“Sure.” I smiled at him. Why was I always doubting him? He was always there for me. He smiled back, and all I wanted to do was fall into his arms. I wasn't mad at him anymore. I needed him. And right now I was the one who had him, not Amber. I should have been thankful.

John and I left the school together, and once outside, we discovered that the sidewalks and roads were sheer ice. The bus was late, but fortunately they were still running in the city.

John and I stood at the back of the bus. “Look at the trees,” he exclaimed. “Some of the branches are almost touching the ground. They will snap in half if this continues.”

I nodded and stared out the bus window. Ottawa was literally turning into one big sheet of ice. Finally, we got off the bus, but when we tried to walk we could hardly move because we were sliding so much. I had to grab on to John's arm to stay upright.

“Let me take your backpack,” he said to me.

I handed it to him, and he took my hand. “Let's hold each other up,” he said.

Although I knew the storm was wreaking havoc across the city and cars were skidding everywhere and trees were getting destroyed, I had to admit that I loved the feeling of walking with John in this science fiction world. By now, ice covered everything, making the trees, streetlights, telephone poles, and buildings glisten. The huge hydro poles covered in ice looked like monsters. The ice-coated cars parked along the road looked like huge bugs. I loved how John was holding me up. We had to walk so slowly that it took double the time to get to my house.

Once inside, we both laughed as we shook the ice from our heads. Then I called out for my parents and discovered that no one was home yet.

“I should call my mom,” said John, “and tell her I'm here.”

After John called his mom, I talked to my parents. They were both going to stay at work and finish the day. My dad was going to pick my mother up from work because she was afraid to drive. And Brian was out of town for the day with his job. John and I made some soup and grilled cheese sandwiches and ate in front of the television. A severe storm warning kept interrupting the programming.

Once we had finished lunch, we cuddled on the sofa downstairs, with the lights off, watching mindless television and reading the weather warning that continually ran along the bottom of the screen. Our bodies just felt so right together.

I turned to gaze up at him, and without saying a word, he kissed me. Passionately. My lips burned with the intensity. My skin ignited with his touch, and I pressed my body to his. He moaned and moved closer to me, wrapping his arms around me, his hands moving all across my body, his hard skin pressing into me. I had felt John this way before, but today … something was different. My body reacted like it never had before, and I wanted more from him. I'm not sure if it was the storm or the roller coaster of emotions following Nathan's death—or perhaps a combination—but I felt so vulnerable and open and needy. I wanted to be as close to him as I possibly could, to forget who I was and just be a part of him. I ran my hands up and down his back, touching his body with my fingertips. Then I touched his neck just to feel his skin against mine. He kissed me with fervor, on the lips, neck, and upper chest. And I allowed this. I wanted him to kiss me everywhere.

One thing led to another.

And another.

We lay together under a blanket, limbs intertwined. I was blissful and happy, and I felt so secure. He held me tightly, kissed me tenderly, and I molded into him. Warm sensations flowed through me. This was love. It had to be. There was no other word for it.

With every breath and every beat of his heart, I felt content. I laid my head on his bare chest and curled into a small ball beside him. I wanted him to protect me from the world, from the thin veil that I sometimes seemed to go through. With John, perhaps I could belong to the outside world and stay away from my visions and that other life of mine. What I felt with him was so powerful that it took away all my worried thoughts, visions, sensations. I wanted to stay where we were forever, in a darkened basement, during an ice storm, just him and me. Then I could forget about everything around me and who I really was. John had done something that no one yet had been able to: he had made me live in the moment and forget about the past and future.