Thurston House (54 page)

It looks like I'll have to build my house a little more rapidly. Tomorrow I call the architect! They both laughed and that night he tiptoed from his room to hers and then tiptoed back again at dawn, with a happy smile on his face. He was fifty-five years old, and he had never been as happy in his life as he was now.

THEY tiptoed back and forth between each other's rooms for the next few weeks, going to the city at least once a week, but she was in Napa most of the time with Andr+! and Antoine. And a different look passed between Sabrina and Andr+! now, a secret message understood only by them, although once she thought she saw Antoine watching them, and then he quickly turned away, as though afraid to intercept what was not meant for him, and later she thought she saw him smiling at them.

Do you think he knows? She asked Andr+! late one night, as they lay whispering in her bed in the Napa farmhouse. He had indeed gone to the architect that week, and his new house would be started that spring. But they would still have to tiptoe back and forth between their rooms for a long time before the house was completed.

I don't know. Andr+! smiled at her in the moonlight as he touched her face. He had never loved a woman as he loved her, and she felt something for him she had never felt before, not even for John. She had been so much younger then, and there was more depth to what she felt for Andr+! now. I think he would be happy for us, if he knew. I almost told him yesterday.

She nodded. She could not imagine telling Jon. He had already accused her of having an affair with Andr+! long since, and she didn't want to prove him right now, even though there had been no other man in her life for years, not since his father died. But she knew he wouldn't understand. And there had been no news of him in almost a month, nor of Camille, who had retreated to Atlanta again, but Sabrina certainly didn't want to hear from her anyway, and now she forced her thoughts back to Antoine. You don't think he'd be upset? He was so different from Jon, and she was already so fond of him.

Andr+! smiled at her in the moonlight again. What would he be upset about? He'd be pleased for us. And Sabrina suspected that too. He was unusually kind to her these days, helping her in the fields when they all worked side by side, which she liked best. And it was Antoine who was with her a few weeks after that, when she stood up in the bright sun for most of the day, and then suddenly reeled toward him late in the afternoon and almost fainted in his arms. She was mortified, as they sat side by side in the dirt, and he made a cool compress from a handkerchief and the water from a canteen he had with him. You should have worn a hat. He scolded her as though she were a child, and she looked up at him, feeling very ill. Everything seemed to be reeling, and her stomach heaved, but she managed to control herself and walk slowly back to the house with him a little while later.

Antoine ' don't say anything to your father' please. She looked imploringly at him, but he frowned at her.

Why not? I think he should know, don't you? And then suddenly he was frightened for her. His mother had died of cancer when he was five, and he still remembered her, and how sad his father had been. He looked at Sabrina with worried eyes. I will not tell him, if you promise to go to a doctor right away. She seemed to hesitate and he grabbed her arm, propelled by the distant memories he had, and he looked fiercely at her. I mean that, Sabrina, or I'll tell him right now.

All right, all right. It was just the sun. But he didn't think she looked well now, and he noticed in the next few days that she wasn't eating very much. He questioned her about the doctor again, and she was going to fob him off, but he wouldn't let her do that. Antoine, I'm fine.

You are not. He had actually shouted at her, but it was different than the fights with Jon. It was so obvious that he was worried about her, and she was touched, so that when it almost happened again, he almost dragged her back to the house at noon, and fortunately Andr+! was at the architect's again. Now, do you call your doctor, Sabrina, or do I?

For heaven's sake ' She was embarrassed, but he wouldn't let her off the hook. He stood by the phone, looking at her menacingly, and finally she laughed. It's a good thing you're not my son, Antoine, I wouldn't have a chance against you. But she was teasing him and she looked at him gratefully as she went to the phone to call. It was nice knowing that he cared that much, and now two people did. Andr+! and his son. She called the doctor and made an appointment for the following afternoon. And do you know what he's going to say?

Yes. Antoine looked intransigent. That you work too hard. Look at Papa, he works hard too, but he takes a nap each day. It was a habit he had brought from France, La sieste, but because of it he looked young and healthy.

I don't have the patience for that.

Well, you should. But he was pleased that she was going to see her doctor. At least he had accomplished that much. Do you want me to drive you into town tomorrow?

No. That's fine. I have some other things to do anyway. And she didn't want to make a fuss of it, or Andr+! would wonder what was going on.

You'll tell me what they say? She saw the fear rampant in his eyes, and it was almost as though he were a little boy again. She went to him and looked up into his eyes. He was a great deal taller than she, but she felt protective toward him now.

It won't be anything terrible, Antoine. I'm in perfect health, and I promise you, I feel fine. I think probably all that strain with my mother turning up, and going to court, and ' They both knew she had almost added Jonathan to the list. I think it all wore me out, and I'm paying for it now.

I was so sad they did that to you. He looked down at her almost as though she were his mother now.

So was I. But maybe it was just as well to clear it all up. And yet through it she still felt that she had lost her son. She had seen a side of him she could not forget. Even now. And now, I want you to stop worrying about me. And I promise you, I'll tell you everything the doctor says. But when she sat in his office the next day, she knew she couldn't keep her promise to Antoine. She sat staring at the doctor she had known for years, shock and disbelief stamped on her face. But that couldn't be ' it's not possible ' the last time it took ' and I thought that by now ' She stared at him. It was impossible to believe. But the doctor was smiling gently at her.

It's true, Sabrina. That test doesn't lie. At least not when it's positive. And it was. You're pregnant, my dear.

But I can't be. In fact, last year I know I started the change of life. I haven't even had my period since ' She counted back and then stared at him. Oh no ' It had been two months. He was right. She hadn't associated it with Andr+!. She was just happy not to be bothered with it. I never thought ' My God, if I hadn't almost fainted in the fields the other day ' It would have been months before she'd known. And she still couldn't believe it was true. But both other times it took me years to get pregnant, and '

The doctor reached across his desk and patted her hand.

It isn't always like that, my dear. And for all you know the problem then was John.

Oh my God.

She was so distressed then, that a terrible thought occurred to him. You do know who the father is, don't you?

Of course! She looked even more shocked than she had before. But I have no idea what he'll think of this ' we're business associates and friends, but' at our age ' we had no plans ' we ' Tears suddenly filled her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks. How cruel fate was. Why couldn't she have met him fifteen years before and then perhaps ' What am I going to do? She cried openly into the handkerchief he handed her, and then blew her nose and looked at him. Will you take care of it? It was a shocking thing to ask, and they both knew it was against the law, but she didn't know where else to turn. He was the only doctor that she knew, except an old man in St. Helena she'd gone to years before, but he looked sadly at her now.

I can't do that, Sabrina. You know that.

I'm forty-eight years old. You can't expect me to have this child? I'm not even married to the man.

Do you love him? She nodded her head and blew her nose again. Then why not marry him and have the child?

I can't do that. We both have grown sons. We'll be a laughingstock. He's fifty-five, I'm forty-eight. And at his age, he could still get away with it. He looks like a young man. But I could be a grandmother by now for heaven's sake.

So what? Other women have done it before. I had a patient two years ago who was fifty-two years old. The same thing happened to her, except that she was married of course. And she and her daughter wound up in the hospital having a baby at the same time. You won't be the first one, Sabrina.

But I'd feel like a fool. And I refuse to force him to marry me. ' She smiled through her tears and laughed and cried at the same time. It's so ridiculous, at my age to be forced into marrying a man because of a pregnancy.' She looked at the old doctor and started to cry again, and then looked at him pathetically. I'm sorry I'm such a mess.

It's understandable. It's quite a shock for anyone. And I have to admit, in your circumstances, Sabrina, it's not an easy situation. Is he a nice man, at least? Could you be happy with him?

Yes, I could. But they had never discussed marriage and there was no reason for him to marry her. They were reasonably comfortable as things were. But still ' a baby at our age ' She thought of Jon, and the baby she had lost before him, that one had been a girl they said, and she hadn't even been considered terribly young then, but at forty-eight ' it was inconceivable, and yet she had. She looked at the doctor again then. She knew what she had to do. She just didn't know where to go for it. Can't you help me find an abortionist? I just can't go through with this. It's not right.

You can't be the judge of that. He frowned at her. If it happened, then perhaps it is. Perhaps one day, you'll find it was the greatest blessing that you ever had. He refused to give her what she wanted from him. And he stood up to indicate that the visit was at an end. Now, I want to see you three weeks from now, Sabrina. And try to get off your feet as much as possible. There's no reason why, at your age, you can't give birth to a healthy child, but you want to be more careful than you might have been twenty years ago. Twenty years ago ' how ridiculous that this should happen now. She suddenly felt angry at him, and herself, and Andr+!, for getting her into this. For God's sake, she was pregnant and forty-eight years old, or at least she would be in May, and by then she would be four months along. Damn.

She left the doctor's office and went home, her mind full of everything he had said to her ' about the baby ' and Andr+! ' that it could prove to be the greatest blessing of their lives one day, but she refused to even think of that. She had to find an abortionist and fast. She knew she had only a few weeks left before it became very dangerous for her. And she had no idea whom to ask. How did one find an abortionist? She had never even thought of it before and she strained to think now, but as she did, the memory of the baby she had lost kept haunting her. She remembered her own grief at the loss, and John's. How could she think of killing a baby now, because that was what it was. But how could she not? She lay down on her bed, feeling sick, thinking of it, just as the phone rang. It was Antoine.

What did the doctor say? He had worried about her all day, and his father had just gone into town to buy some supplies, so he rushed to call Sabrina before? Andr+!came back.

Nothing, dear. I'm fine. I told you, it's just fatigue. But her voice sounded strained, even to her own ears, and he didn't sound convinced.

Are you sure that's what he said?

I promise you. She lied to him, but what choice did she have? I'll come back tomorrow or the next day.

I thought you were coming back tonight. He sounded worried again, as though he had been her son, and she was touched to tears again. She had to fight to keep them from her voice. Suddenly everything that happened made her cry.

I found that I have a little work to do here. Is everything all right up there, Antoine?

Yes, fine. He told her what they had done all day. You're sure it's nothing then? He sounded a little bit relieved at last. It wasn't cancer then. He always thought of that. And he had with her.

Positive. Positive was certainly the right word this time, and she smiled ruefully as she talked to him, and then Andr+! came back and took the phone.

What are you up to there, m'amie? He called her that sometimes, my friend, except when they were alone at night when he called her cherie or mon amour, my darling and my love.

Nothing much. I found a stack of mail I had to take care of sitting here. I really have to work something out about that. Maybe someone could send it to me when I stay in Napa for more than a few days.

That's a thought. It was a relief just to hear his voice and she had an urge to tell him what the doctor had said, but she knew she couldn't do that. She didn't want to put that kind of pressure on him. What if he felt he had to marry her? It could ruin everything. It was better not to say anything. She would take care of it herself, and he would never know. When are you coming back? There was an urgency in his voice that made her smile. She loved him even now, perhaps more, and she was sorry again that it hadn't happened fifteen years before. Maybe then she could have told him, and married him, and let the baby live. But not now.

I'll try to come back tomorrow or the next day. I was just telling Antoine, I found a ton of work to do here, in my mail.