Tiger Moths (4 page)

E
AST
T
ENNESSEE
, O
CTOBER
1980

The rain pellets hit the tin roof like a machine gun in an echo chamber. To anyone not accustomed to it, it would have been unnerving, but for the boy it held a soothing rhythm that brought peace to his soul. At least most nights it did, but not tonight. Tonight he replayed the daylight hours in his mind, and he cried. His cry was one of anguished tears, tears of the young upon first encountering the tormenting cruelty of betrayal.

It had started, as most days did, with early morning chores and a ham and egg breakfast, with toast and jelly on the side. He sat with his mother and grandmother, and bowed his head for prayer (at his grandmother’s insistence). He then gobbled his meal with delight.

“One thing about ya, boy,” his grandmother would say, “ya sure got your granddaddy’s appetite. Yep, he would have been proud to of called ya his kin, that he would. Sure am glad your mamma kept the family name with ya, boy. You sure are a Clark, through and through.”

“Oh, now, Mom, don’t encourage him. Johnny Clark, you need to slow down and chew up all of your food before you swallow. I don’t want anybody sayin’ that your momma didn’t teach you good table manners now. You hear me, son?”

Johnny knew that when his mom said his full name she meant business. He slowed his chewing before taking a drink of orange juice, then swallowing hard. He smiled at his table companions. “Mom, you know that between the two of you I have better table manners than most of my class. It’s just that Granny’s cookin’ is the best and I just can’t get enough of it.”

He looked at his grandmother and saw what he was hoping for: a spark of joy in her eyes and a smile that melted his heart. His father had left when he was very young, so he and his mom had moved in with his grandparents. It was the only way to make ends meet. Five years ago they had lost Granddaddy to lung cancer. Now, as the man of the house, his number one priority was to never let the two ladies in his life down. It was a responsibility he took seriously, even at his young age.

“I reckon you’re about the smoothest talker in these parts, Johnny,” Granny chuckled. “Now you get on down the road and learn some of that stuff they’re a-teaching ya in that school. Remember what I always tell ya, Johnny; always….” “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” Johnny finished and hugged both of them. “Yes, ma’am, I do always remember that.”

That part of the day was fine. It was always nearly perfect. School, however, held a new set of challenges. But they were challenges that Johnny ran to, not away from. He was now in his first year of high school. This meant that kids from rival junior high schools were now merged together. While he had friends, he always wanted more. That was one thing about Johnny, he always wanted to be around people and, as his mom put it, “he had never met a stranger.”

Rose Quincy was, without question, one of those he wanted to get to know better. Rose was a year older than him and, in his mind, she hung the moon. He was quite simply smitten at first sight. Today he would make his big move, and he had taken extra pains picking out his clothes this morning. He had made inroads with her over the past month, and he could tell she had taken a liking to him. But today he would take the leap and ask her out. It would be their first real date – just the two of them.

When the bell rang for the last class period of the day Johnny was already in his assigned seat. Rose sat directly in front of Johnny in this class. He seldom heard a word the English teacher said. Every day he eagerly sat behind her and imagined what it would be like to run his hand through her thick brown hair. He could smell the sweet fragrance of her as soon as she walked in the classroom. They were smells of lavender and honeysuckles; smells that made his head swim and his heart flutter. Oh, how soft her smooth skin must be. Her laughter filled his thoughts today, as it had every day of the young school year.

She settled in her seat as the teacher began the lesson. Johnny remained absorbed in his thoughts of Rose. His Rose.

“Johnny, are you playing deaf again today? Johnny, for the third time, do you know how to conjugate the verb in this sentence?” the teacher snorted.

“Uh, I, uh …..”

“Well now that is just brilliant, young man. Perhaps we should rewrite the English language to fit your interpretation in. You know, Johnny, I’d send you to detention, but that would just be a waste of time. I’ll tell you this one time only, do not bother coming to this class again if you are just going to occupy a chair and drool. You got that, son?”

Johnny could barely make out the sound of his own voice among the howls of laughter. He finally managed a “Yes, Mrs. Brown,” and slipped immediately to the bottom of his seat.
Rose must think I’m a complete idiot. This day can’t get any worse.

And yet the day would get far worse for Johnny.

Red-faced and feeling friendless, Johnny wandered into the hallway after English class. He had worked himself up to finally ask Rose out, but after this setback all might be lost. Tragically he may have lost out before he even started his courtship in earnest. Rose had rushed out of class as soon as the bell rang, leaving Johnny behind to endure a post-class tongue lashing from Mrs. Brown. After what seemed an eternity, he extricated himself.

He impatiently pushed his way through the sea of students and made it to his locker. His plan was to exchange books and hustle out the front door before anyone saw him. Above all else, he wanted to avoid contact with everyone so he could escape the humiliation that bore down on him. And yet, if he could just get Rose to go out with him, all would be well.

Reaching his locker, he found a plain white envelope neatly placed between the rusty metal slats. His hands shook as he opened it, half expecting something to jump out at him. Instead there was a neatly penned note inside. He read it to himself, beads of sweat forming on his brow.

“Dear Johnny, I think you are really cute. You make me smile all of the time. Can you meet me by the bench, behind the gym after school? I would love to talk to you; hope to see you then. I’ll wait for you there. XOXO, Rose.”

I knew it; I knew she liked me. She doesn’t judge me like the rest; she likes me for who I am! Oh, Rose, you are the best.

He shoved all of his books into the locker and raced to the gymnasium. As he approached the door he slowed to a walk.
Now be cool, Johnny; you don’t want to scare her away or make her think you are a lunatic.

As he walked across the gym floor he suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of doubt. He felt self-conscious and could not think of what he would say when he saw her. He could feel his cowlick sticking up, as usual. He wet his fingers with his tongue and rapidly patted his hair.
Was that better or worse?
Something just did not feel right, but there was no turning back now. He had waited a long time for this moment and he was not going to blow it.

He gave the door a hard push and stepped outside. Shading his eyes with his hand, he scanned the area for the bench, until at last he saw her. He gasped as the full realization of what his eyes had seen struck him. He fought to process the scene. He fought, because he did want to believe it was real.

There was Rose, beautiful, kind Rose, sitting on the bench and (could it be true?) making out with another guy. Worse, it was not just any guy. Sitting next to Rose, kissing her, holding her, was Kyle Freedman. Kyle was the quarterback of the football team; his football team. He had thought Kyle was his teammate and friend. He had thought Rose was going to be his girl.
Rose!?

Tears welled in his eyes and throat as he backed away toward the gym. He could not breathe anymore, nor did he want to.
How could you, and with Kyle? I’ve got to get out of here before they see me.

As he reached for the door, it opened. Startled, he jumped back and stumbled to the ground. Four upperclassmen walked out and looked down at him. Their laughter filled his ears like hot coils. By now he could not hold back his tears as he looked up and saw their red and white letter jackets - more teammates. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Rose stand up, looking startled herself. Kyle walked over to the lettermen and patted one on the back. “Good one, guys,” he laughed with them.

“Poor little Johnny, lost his girl and started crying like a little baby. Come on now, Johnny, Rose is way out of your league. You need to grow up, boy, and give up this notion of playing ball with us – you are good enough to carry our water bottles and that’s about it. Let’s go, boys. Rose, are you coming or not?”

Rose hesitated for a moment then walked to Kyle. He hung his arm loosely around her and turned her to walk with him. She resisted slightly and appeared to try to turn her head back to look at Johnny, but the resistance was weak. She walked away with Kyle and the others. Everyone laughed, except Rose.

Johnny’s tears mingled with the dirt on his face, forming mud streaks down each side of his cheeks. He laid his face flat on the ground and cursed the day he was born. Pounding his fist into the dirt, he cried out until he was exhausted and his hand was blood encrusted. He had lost his girl and his dream on one miserable afternoon.

Johnny could not recall how he made it home or what he had done for the past four hours. His mom was working late and he had answered Granny’s call to dinner by angrily mumbling that he was sick. Later, he had yelled at her harshly, saying that he did not want anything to eat. Then he fell into bed and regretted his harshness.

That had been an hour ago, and that is all he could remember. His life had lost all equilibrium and purpose. He wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone. One thing was for certain, he would never set foot in that school again. Dreams had become nightmares, and hopes were now horrors. He would not be dating Rose. He would not be playing his beloved game of football. His best of days had expired before they were known. The time of his life was never lived. He fought back yet another torrent of tears. It was another wave of humiliation. It was further evidence of his worthlessness. He slammed his fist into the mattress, disgusted at himself and angry at the world.

A soft knock on the door startled him and abruptly interrupted his downward spiral. Then he heard the graceful voice of his grandmother.

“Johnny, it’s me, son, Granny. Can I come in, sweetie?”

“Granny?” He sniffled. “No, no. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to see anybody or for anybody to see me. Just go away, please.”

But it was too late; Granny had already pushed the door open and stepped inside. If there was one thing Johnny knew about his granny, it was that once she got her foot in the door there was no going back. He knew too that Granny loved him more than just about anyone; and if he was in pain, she would do whatever it took to help him.

“Johnny, now you tell your granny what it is that is ailing you, and we will get you fixed right up.”

There was no shyness to Granny. She walked straight to his bed and sat down on it. He lay on his back, with both arms covering his face.

“It’s nothing, Granny, just a virus or something I guess. You shouldn’t be in here right now. Really, I’m fine. But I don’t want you catching this bug. It’d be really hard on you, you being older and all.”

“In all my born days! I don’t think I ever heard of a broken spirit being contagious now, Johnny. Don’t you know by now that your ole granny is smarter than you think? I know a beaten-down soul when I see one, and I knew you was one as soon as you walked through that door. I just held back a little bit before I came up to see ya, ’cause you needed a little time to mediate on it all. That’s where the understanding part comes in. And that ain’t easy, Johnny. But the really hard part is what you got to walk through now, and in the morning when you go back to school.”

“No! I’m never, ever going back to that school again, and I’ll never play football. That’s all I wanted to do, Granny. I just wanted to have friends and play football. And I wanted Rose to like me. But I’m not going to have any of that now.”

“Then you are no family of mine, Johnny boy. Now you listen to me, and this is not going to be easy for you to hear. But there has never been a living Clark that has been a quitter. And you are no quitter either. You will get through this, but it will not be by your own strength. A time like this is when we have a chance to really get to know our Creator. Johnny, you have never once complained about your lot in life – even when your daddy left you and your momma, you were strong. Even when your granddaddy passed, you gave your ole granny comfort. Now somebody has done gone and tried to break you down by some cruel act they probably thought was funny. That’s how it is with kids your age. I ain’t so old that I forgot what that was like.”

Johnny lowered his arms and looked up at Granny for the first time. In a way it was as if it were the first time he had ever really seen her. He had always thought the world of her, but until now he had never realized the breadth of her grace and the depth of her wisdom. It was as if she could see directly into his heart.

“How did you know that, Granny? How did you know about how they laughed at me?”

“Oh, my sweet boy, kids have held a cruel streak in ’em since the beginning of time. It goes all the way back to Cain and Abel. Seems there is something in us humans that makes us want to build ourselves up at the expense of others. I don’t really think people understand how much they can hurt you until it happens to them. See now, Johnny, you’ve been laying up here in your bed asking “Why, why me, why did they do this, why did God let ‘em”– a thousand different whys. Like I said that’s the understanding part – but the only thing you will ever really understand is that you have to move past it - most of the time without any answers to all of those whys. Now, though, comes the growing part. Because you have been through this, you have a choice to grow above it so that you will never ever hurt anyone like you have been hurt. Now you have grown to really understand the meaning of ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ See, Johnny, it’s not just words; it is the way our Creator God directs us to live life.”