“Might as well take it on to the garage, hey?”
The man laughed. “You think that thing out there can be salvaged?”
“Hey,” I told him. “You gotta have hope.”
Yes, it was obvious I was talking about something in addition to the car. But he didn’t have to know that.
I SHOWERED and dressed myself with great difficulty. The plastic bag I had wrapped around my sling didn’t ensure that it was watertight, so it was a little bit damp after I wrung it out as best I could.
After calling for a taxi, I fed Maggie and as she hoovered up the contents of her bowl I told her, “I’m going to get him back, Mags.”
Her tail in the air seemed to say,
About fucking time. Don’t screw it up even more.
Cats are smarter than us humans.
354 | SEAN KENNEDY
As it was still relatively early for a Sunday morning, the taxi didn’t take that long to arrive. I was out the door on the second honk of the horn.
“Where to?” the driver asked.
“Docklands,” I said, and I gave the address of Declan’s apartment complex. Somehow the sun seemed brighter today, the air fresher. And I wasn’t really a fan of sunlight, but it seemed like an omen. I was happy with anything that could serve as some sort of optimistic portent of my future. It didn’t seem that long before the Cheesestick came into view, signalling our entrance into the city. Even it looked more neon yellow than usual, against the vibrant red posts of the ribcage that accompanied it. I’m still not exactly sure what the art is meant to say about my city, but I loved it regardless.
As I handed the driver the money for the fare and told him to keep the change, he leaned over and said, “So, have I got a scoop? Are you getting back together?”
Man, I was now far too recognisable for my own liking. “No, no scoop.”
“What does that mean?” he yelled after me.
I laughed and ran away through the plaza towards Dec’s apartment complex. Determined not to be nervous, I pressed his buzzer outside the security door.
“You’re here,” I heard his voice say, and then the security door clicked. Bless security video devices.
By the time I emerged from the lift, he was already standing in his doorway waiting for me. With my good arm, I pushed him inside and kicked the door closed with my foot.
“I take it you got your car?” he asked with a grin.
To say he was doing a complete turnaround from last night was an understatement. And I couldn’t hold back anymore.
“Declan, I’m going fucking insane!” I cried, grabbing him by his collar with my good hand. “I just need to know, what is going on between us?”
He steered me over to the couch and tried to get me to sit down, but I was too antsy.
“Talk to me. You’ve let me in, so fucking talk to me.”
“I will, if you let me get a word in!”
I became more subdued. “I’m listening.”
“Sit down,” he pleaded.
I shook my head. “Can’t. Too restless.”
“You’re not going to run off on me?”
“What, is it my turn?”
“I’m sorry about that,” he said.
“I’m not going to run anywhere,” I assured him. “But why are you suddenly willing to talk to me today? And why did you arrange for my car to be picked up?”
TIGERS AND DEVILS | 355
“Because you love that piece of shit car, for some reason,” he said, as if it was the most obvious answer to give. “So I wanted it to be rescued.”
That damn car was becoming too metaphorical for its own good. “Okay, but why are you ready to talk today?”
He sat down on his couch, his elbows resting upon his knees. “I was so fucking scared when Roger called me last night. I thought the worst, of course, it was like going to the hospital when I got the phone call about my dad. So when I got there and saw that you were reasonably okay, it was like all that worry turned into relief… but instead of acting relieved I got all tense, and it came out as anger. Probably because I hadn’t had the chance to talk to you properly.”
“You just… left,” I reminded him. “And then the car… it was a mixed signal.”
Declan laughed. “You’re the one complaining about mixed signals? Jesus, Simon.”
“I know,” I admitted. “Communication was never our strong point. But can we talk now?”
“Sure, if you’ll sit down. You’re making me nervous, standing over me.”
I did as he asked, but there was a large gap between us on the couch. Ease around each other still had to come, but I started to talk. I told him everything about how I had felt with the crowds at the games, the hassles I had gotten from the public, what the internet forums had said about me, the talk with Ed, the event at the Brownlow, and how it had all built up and caused me to snap and fight back against Jason Terne on Brunswick Street as he had just happened to come along and represent all those issues in one tidy little package.
And then Declan told me about the things he had kept from me, the details of the sledging on the field, how he felt helpless in hearing those things said about me and unable to do little about it, his guilt in thinking that he exposed me to all of this and how he feared that I secretly blamed him for it, and how he had always admired me as he thought I was dealing with it well, but that it had all came crashing down with the Jason Terne issue.
“The break wasn’t from us,” I told him. “It sounds so stupid now, because of everything that happened afterwards, but all I meant was
us
getting away from it all for a while. Taking off, just you and me, away from all that shit.”
He stared down at the floor, chewing on the inside of his cheek. It must have been a gaping hole by now.
“I could have explained myself a bit better,” I said meekly. Dec laughed. “Fuck. I could have asked you what you meant instead of jumping to the wrong conclusion.”
“I would never have broken up with you,” I said earnestly. “I’m more miserable without you than I am with you.” As soon as that sentence came out I groaned, because I knew how bad it sounded.
But Declan laughed. “Vintage Simon Murray comment.”
“You know I say things the wrong way, but you know what I
mean
.”
356 | SEAN KENNEDY
He nodded. “I know.”
“It’s tough going out with you, Dec, I’m not going to lie about that. But I know I’m not easy to go out with either. I was stupid. I let all the negatives get to me when I should have reminded myself what was good about us. That I loved you, you loved me, and that
that
should have been the most important thing. All that mattered.”
His hand twitched to reach across and take mine, but he kept it on his knee.
“I fucking hate not being with you,” I continued, not caring if I sounded like a screechy stereotype in the final moments of some abysmal romantic comedy. “I hate thinking I’ve turned you against me, when I love you. Because I do.”
“I haven’t turned against you. Wasn’t that obvious when I arranged for your car to be towed? I always told you it was a fucking death trap.”
“I didn’t know what to think. Only what I hoped.”
“We were equally stupid. Instead of listening to you on that day in the Dome, I just cut you out. I couldn’t think, and I’m sorry I shut down. But I’m not used to it.”
“Used to what?”
He paused for a long moment, and I knew that whatever he was going to say was taking a lot out of him. “Being in a relationship that’s also a partnership. Something that’s equal. Where the other person gives a shit and feels things passionately. Jesus, Simon, I was in a relationship for two years where he felt safest pretending not to care about anything. And I went along with it. So I didn’t know how much it could affect me when I saw you getting hurt or being pissed off because you feel things so
strongly
.”
“We’re meant to feel things strongly, Dec. Even us manly men types.”
Declan snorted. “Yeah, we just never talk about them when we should. And then we fuck things up even more.”
“We seem to be doing okay now,” I pointed out.
Finally, his hand lifted and grasped mine. It was awkward because my closest hand was in the sling, and my free one was stuck between my leg and the end of the couch. To make it slightly easier I moved in closer to him.
“When you said you needed a break, I just reverted to the way I used to be,” Declan continued. “I had to. And I didn’t really snap out of it until Abe pointed out to me that I was acting just like the ex used to. And he’s the last fucking person I want to be in a relationship.”
“Was that what made you almost come to the festival?” I asked. Dec nodded. “But I knew it would be stupid to try and talk to you with that much media around. I didn’t know if you would just turn on me and tell me to fuck off.”
“I wouldn’t have done that.”
“I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did. But then I fucked up at the hospital, and I thought I had completely blown it. How the fuck could I leave you when you were injured?”
“I wasn’t at death’s door, Dec. Chill.”
TIGERS AND DEVILS | 357
“It doesn’t matter. It felt like you were when I saw you sitting there in the sling and covered in blood. I should have taken you home and looked after you like you did for me when I had the knee op.”
I gestured at the sling. “This still has four weeks to stay on, you know. Plenty of time to make up for it.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I thought we weren’t going to be stupid anymore?” I asked him. “That’s a stupid question.”
“I’m just trying to clarify things,” he said softly.
I wanted to kiss him, to feel his body against mine again, but I wouldn’t be Simon Murray if I weren’t a bit of a tease every now and again. “I really need a glass of water,”
I said, jumping up and heading into the kitchen.
When I reached the fridge and turned back, I could see he had a small smile on his face. I felt the best I had in weeks.
“You going to offer me one?” he asked.
“Declan Tyler, oh god of football, do you want a glass of water?”
“That’d be nice.”
I pulled two glasses out of his cupboard and the Brita jug out of the fridge.
“Abe came over this morning,” Declan said.
“Yeah?”
“He was so pissed off when I told him about the hospital that he broke and told me about what happened at the Brownlows.”
I paused while pouring the water. “I thought you took that a little bit too calmly. I hope you didn’t get pissed at him for not telling you earlier.”
“I thought you probably had a hand in it.” He scratched thoughtfully at his knee.
“Him telling me… it gave me some of your perspective, but I needed to hear it from you. So I was going to come and see you today. You just beat me to it.”
“You know me,” I said, setting the jug back in the fridge. “I get impatient. I was scared if I didn’t come I would have to subject Roger and Fran to finding me drunk on Stone’s Ginger Wine and singing Joni Mitchell again.”
“Stone’s Ginger Wine and Joni Mitchell? You’re so twenty-first century,” Declan teased. “I have to apologise to Fran and Roger. I ignored their calls.”
I shut the fridge door. “You’re lucky they forgive easily.”
“
Your
Fran and Roger?”
I didn’t answer him; I had become distracted by something hanging on the fridge.
“You still have that card,” I said.
I hadn’t noticed it when I had last been here with Lisa. But then, I hadn’t exactly been looking for it or expecting it to be there.
358 | SEAN KENNEDY
It was the postcard I had written to him when we bickered (how long was our history of bickering, anyway?) at the last Triple F opening night. Babe the pig was trotting triumphantly on the front, and on the back in my scrawl:
I know I can be a
stubborn pig, but hopefully I’m as cute as this one, and like him, worth keeping around.
Keep this to remind yourself of that.
I turned to find him standing behind me. I showed the card to him. “You kept it.”
“That’s what the card said to do.”
I wish I had seen it that day; it would have given me the best confirmation of hope I could have ever had.
“Am I?” I asked hesitantly.
“What?” he asked.
I showed him what I had written on the card.
He grinned. “Yes. Do you want to redeem it?”
“Am I able to redeem it?”
“Don’t be thick. Why do you think I held onto it?”
“I guess it’s served its purpose,” I said. “I should have added
good for multiple
redemptions.
” I moved to rip the card up, but Declan stopped me. He gently pulled the card out of my fingers and attached it back to the fridge with a Devils magnet. “Just in case
either
of us need it again.”
And then he was kissing me, taking care not to jostle my arm in its sling as he pressed up against me. It was awkward wrestling for a comfortable position, but we finally succeeded. My arm twinged, but I didn’t care. Declan and I were together again, but this time it wasn’t the bubble of us against the world. That phase of thinking was over, because we now had to let the world in and cope with it when it did. It was more like a bond now, stronger than a bubble, and more resilient. He steered me back towards the couch.