Authors: Allie Brennan
The TV isn’t working to distract me so I stare out the window and take slow breaths, inhaling whatever amazing thing Gram is baking. I won’t get any. Gram hasn’t spoken a word to me since she picked me up at the hospital yesterday, and this wouldn’t be the first time I won’t be
allowed
dessert. I swear she’s deliberately baking just to deny me.
When I asked to skip school today she only pursed her lips and gave a short nod. Probably to have me around all day to rub my nose in what a disappointment I am. Not that I blame her.
My phone buzzes and my heart stops. I glance over at Gram who glares and turns her back.
How could I ever prove myself to Talia if I am nothing but a disappointment to my own family?
I dig the phone out and look at it.
Deacon said the cops called him. Just thought you should know.
I feel like a bag of bricks dropped on my chest. Not because of Deacon, or the cops. Because she didn’t ask how I was. I’m like a fucking little girl around her. She shouldn’t be concerned about me. She shouldn’t have texted me at all.
I set my phone down and pick it up a dozen times before text back. I want to say sorry. To ask her to forgive me. To hide behind the fact that I have a past. I can’t anymore.
She always chose him. She did everything he said, no matter who it hurt. She lost herself in him and I paid the price. But you. You don’t put up with any of it. With everything you go through. You’re amazing. Just thought you should know.
I barely put the phone down when it buzzes again. I scoop it up, hoping it’s from Talia.
408 10
th
Ave
A surge of, what I think is bravery, jolts through my body. I text back
I’m done. Get someone else.
I hit send and immediately regret it.
Not bravery. Stupidity.
I get a text almost immediately.
You’re done when we say you’re done…
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
Talia
I’m unable to stop staring at my phone, but also unable to form any response to Lachlan’s text. I toss my phone on the dresser and go downstairs. The house is empty. My parents left this morning, leaving the keys to Mom’s car on the island. I glance at the keys then turn to the entryway.
I should be happy that I get to be truly alone. No parents. But the house feels bigger, colder and less lived in with them gone.
I swipe the keys off the counter and leave the house.
~
Nan’s sleeping when I get to her hospital room. She looks worse every time I see her. She’s losing so much weight. Her eyebrows and eyelashes are gone, and she keeps getting these bruises on her arms and legs from the most minor bumps.
I stand in her doorway, wondering whether I should go in. But I didn’t bring my knitting bag so I really have nothing to do.
Maybe Janna is still here. My stomach turns. I should go see her. I don’t really want to but I should.
She’s awake when I get there. There are no tubes sticking out of her like there is with Nan. She appears to be normal Janna, maybe a bit pale.
She smiles and gestures with her hand for me to come in. There’s a lot going through my mind, most of it at war within my head. I want to hug her, slap her, scream at her and tell her it will be fine. I’m angry with her but so glad she’s okay. She must sense it because her smile reaches her eyes and she gives a little nod.
I hold out my hand and she takes it. Her skin is warm and smooth, not clammy and cold like when I was holding her down at the party.
“How are you?” she says. Her voice betrays her lack of confidence and it wobbles. She still isn’t sure which reaction I’m going to have.
“I’m fine, J. How are you?”
Like a light switched off her eyes go dark and fill to the brim with tears.
“I didn’t mean to, Talia. Everyone is saying such awful things. Calling me the worst names. It’s the first time I’ve done it, I swear.”
The tears slide down her lightly freckled cheeks and she turns her head away from me then lowers herself so she’s laying on her bed. I immediately move to sit next to her. I stroke her hair like Nan does when I’m upset.
“Who cares what people say. They don’t matter.”
Who am I to give advice? I care every single second of my life what other people think. Why else would I make sure they stayed as far away as possible?
Janna cries harder, curling into a ball and putting her head on my lap. She wraps her arms around my waist and we sit. Janna cries and I just sit, twirling her hair in my fingers like we used to do when we watched movies. She had the thickest hair I’d ever seen.
Finally she stops crying. I feel good that I can be there for her, but my stomach is twisting because I shouldn’t be. I should be furious with her. I
am
furious with her.
“Why are you doing this?” She sniffs.
“Doing what?”
“Being so nice to me.”
I’ve always been nice to her. She’s the one who hooked up with my boyfriend.
“J, I watched you convulse on the floor in a pool of your own blood and foam at the mouth. I would never wish that on anyone, even after what you did.”
Janna’s face goes white and she buries her head in my lap again.
“I’m so sorry. So so so sorry! I—”
I shush her, not so much because I want to tell her it’s okay, but because I want to tell her it’s not okay. I want to say, you just can’t do that. Make out with people’s boyfriends. Betray your friends like that. Abandon people when they need you the most.
I think of Lachlan. I think of him in cuffs being dragged down the street and how he looked so out of place. He shouldn’t. He’s been to jail before. He’s covered in tattoos and scars that symbolize the root of all the bad decisions he’s made.
I’m starting to think maybe I abandoned him too. I’ve memorized the text message. I’ve played the night of the party in my head a million times for a million different reasons. I remember the way his eyes pleaded with me when he dropped the wristband. I should at least hear him out.
But I need time. The way I feel when he’s close, I just can’t risk being around him.
Janna shakes my leg.
“Talia? Where’d you go?”
I blink at her.
“I should go.” I lift her head from my lap and hop off the bed. Janna looks bewildered and slightly hurt.
“I’m sorry, I just. I’m just really confused right now.”
“I know things are weird between us, but you can always talk to me. I miss you, Tal.”
My head swims. The pressure of everything that’s happened in the last few months presses against my mind. I want to tell her everything. I want to ask her why.
“I miss you too, J. I know I can talk to you. I just don’t know if I’m, I’m–”
“Ready?”
I nod.
“Deacon is not a good person, Talia. I’m not making excuses for myself but when you’re ready, I need to tell you what really happened. I need to tell someone, and you’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
I pause at the door. “What do you mean, what really happened?”
Her eye’s fill with tears again.
“I want you to know that I said no. To the kiss, I mean. I thought we were just friends. I was stupid, Talia. I understand if you don’t believe me, but it’s true.”
A flash of that first day of school floods my mind.
Janna pushed him away, sliding down the rough wall. Her eyes were wide and scared as tears flowed. Her hand covering her mouth. She wouldn’t look at me.
I move back to her bed and pull her into a hug. How could I not have seen that?
“I believe you, J. Of course I believe you.” I hug her tighter and she sobs into my chest. Her whole body shakes.
“He told me it was my fault. That I led him on. That I was asking for it.”
I start to shake almost as bad as Janna.
“It’s not. Don’t you dare think that.” I’m overcome with the thought that I was once there. I remember how he held me and kissed me as I was trying to push him away. Deacon was used to getting his way. With me, my panic attacks always got in his way. He was afraid of them. He never went further because he was scared of me.
The tune starts playing in my head. Lachlan’s total opposite reaction to me. His voice and how he just rocked with me and sang and held me until it was over.
I look down at Janna. I’m so torn between feelings. I’ve spent so long being mad at her, but it turns out I just wasn’t there for her either. I didn’t listen the day in the bathroom. I just assumed. She said he made her keep it a secret. Janna’s so strong. I never thought anyone could force her to do anything… My stomach contracts.
“The party? What happened at the party? Did he?” I want to throw up.
Janna shakes her head. “No, my mom made them check me out once I was stable.”
I close my eyes briefly and see Deacon’s hands on her at the party. I knew that wasn’t Janna.
“But that’s what he was going for? With the cocaine? Getting you high?”
Janna shrugs. “I don’t know. Probably. But you can’t say anything, Talia. You can’t. I don’t know what I want to do yet. Technically he didn’t do anything but kiss me a couple times but he could do worse to someone else. I just don’t know what to do yet.”
She’s crying again.
“I won’t say anything.” I pull her close.
“I’m scared. You don’t know him like I do. I should never have set you up with him. I…I knew he was dealing. I knew he was pushy. What if he had done something to you? I can’t even…I’m just glad this whole thing was me and not you.”
I push her back abruptly and stare into her huge green eyes. I don’t know what to say. I shake my head. I just shake my head harder and harder until she pulls me back into a hug.
Like Lachlan, Janna has had to deal with something that no one our age should ever have to deal with. That no one of any age should have to deal with. I feel guilty. Janna took this for me. She held it in to protect me. Lachlan opened up to me. He trusted me and let me into his broken world. And what did I do? Abandoned them to wallow in my own broken world.
I should have listened.
To both of them.
~
Visiting hours are almost over and I’m still sitting on Janna’s bed. She’s laughing. I’ve missed that laugh. All the times she dropped everything to cheer me up, to snap me out of my darkest thoughts. I try to do the same for her.
Problem is that she’s funny. I’m not.
We’ve been silent for a few minutes and she’s eyeing me up like she wants to say something.
“Out with it.” My mouth twitches. I know exactly what she’s going to say. It’s probably been driving her crazy for months.
She tucks her knees up to her chin. “So, Lachlan McCreedy? What’s up with
that
?” She pushes my shoulder playfully.
“Are you guys dating or something?”
“Yes,” I say and my cheeks burn. “No. I mean, we were. I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him since the party.”
She’s nodding, and there’s light in her eyes. Janna loves boy drama. It gets her into trouble. Obviously. A wave of guilt hits me. Trouble I should have been there for.
Like a floodgate opening, everything pours from my mouth. From the first time Lachlan walked into the wool shop, to the date at the support group, to the kiss, to THE kiss, to the party, everything. It feels so good to talk to someone about it.
“I think he loves you, Tali.” She sounds serious and I laugh.
“Yeah right. We are as different as two people can be, J.”
She frowns.
“Are you?”
That shuts me up.
Aren’t we?
~
I pick Janna up for school on Friday. She was released from the hospital but stayed home. I tried to convince her to stay home today too. Who wants to come to school just on Friday?
We get to my locker first and my heart freezes, colder than the November air.
Deacon’s there, with this big, stupid, confused but horrified expression on his face, which is still bruised under the eye and scabbed on his lip from his fight with Lachlan. He looks from me to Janna and back again. Janna turns up her nose and walks past him, shoving him into the locker with her shoulder.
Deacon rubs the back of his neck. “I guess I deserve that.”
He tries to smile that smile that won me over in the first place. I feel like I’m going to puke.
Seriously?
“You deserve a lot more than being shoved into a locker.”
“Fair enough, Tal. Listen I wanted to know if the cops called you?”
I slam my locker with a bit more force than necessary.
“No, why do you care so much?” I spit.
“Oh. I told them you were there.” I don’t think he expected me to talk to him like that. I have a feeling he hasn’t clued in that Janna would have told me everything.
“So did you hear my Grandmother is trying to shut you down? Get you kicked out of the Charity Drive because of that Douche you’ve been dating?” he continues with a smirk.
Is he seriously smirking right now?
“What is this? Good news hour with Deacon Finnley?”
Deacon doesn’t say anything, and I’m losing any patience, or curiosity, I had for him. My heart is vibrating, not beating, vibrating. There’s an attack just at the edge of my mind. I can feel the thoughts starting to jumble. I force myself to take a deep breath and just stare. It’s getting a tiny bit easier every time to keep them away, now that I’m trying.
“Is there a point, Deacon? Because I’m late for class.”
He still just stands there. He’s not used to me acting this way, but honestly neither am I. It’s kind of exciting. This is Lachlan. Lachlan brought this out of me. I push the panic down and like Lachlan, I cross my arms coolly and put all my weight on my back leg. I raise my eyebrows as if daring Deacon to get to the point. He still isn’t saying anything so I walk away.
Deacon grabs my upper arm as I pass him. I wince and try to yank my arm from his grip, but he won’t let go. He glances behind me then narrows his gaze, staring down at me.