He hadn
’
t even asked her to feed Morgana, like she wasn
’
t grown-up or responsible enough to trust. Not that she wanted to touch a frozen rodent, or get near the creature whose look always struck fear in her, as if it really was from the Middle Ages, looking out from behind eyes that had hated what they
’
d seen for seven centuries.
But all the same, she wasn
’
t a baby, incompetent, unreliable, irresponsible
—
and she wasn
’
t to be treated like one.
And now what was she supposed to do? They didn
’
t want her here, but she had nowhere else to go. No money. And Stephen didn
’
t care. All he
’
d said was,
“
Go back to school. Get control of your life so you can do what you want to.
”
Easy for him to say, but impossible to do. But that was his complete conversation, except for,
“
You are not my permanent responsibility. I wanted to bail you out, not make you my foster child.
”
She closed her eyes, still mortified by the memory of those words. His voice had been flat. A robot
’
s.
Now he was gone, off with his sleeping bag and camping gear. He hadn
’
t even told her where he was headed. And here she was, at the top of the staircase, listening to the rest of them, like a kid eavesdropping on the grown-ups
’
party. Somebody
—
Alicia maybe, she was the one who sounded like an opera singer when she got loud
—
said
“
With
her
!
”
in a way that made Penny know they were talking about her. About her staying here while Stephen wasn
’
t because three of them were leaving for the long weekend. Some big deal event in Phoenix, something called Estrella. A tourney, she thought. Big-time, between two kingdoms. Camping out for two nights, and Kathryn, Alicia, and Toto were going, trying to talk Gary into coming, too, even though he thought he was getting the flu. Their excited voices tried to sell him the idea.
And then a low murmur and back to the
her.
Why were they so concerned? What did it hurt if she stayed in Stephen
’
s room?
She should kill herself. Solve everybody
’
s problems at once. Then they
’
d all feel sorry about how they
’
d treated her, and they
’
d deserve to.
The phone rang
—
only once before it was answered by somebody speaking too softly for her to hear. She moved down, step by step, in a crouch, minimizing if not eliminating the staircase creaks.
“
Kathryn Meyers here.
”
She sounded very official, businesslike. Nothing like the vamp she was around Stephen.
Whoever was on the other line must have done some talking, because she just kept going
“
uh-huh,
”
to show she was listening, until finally she said,
“
He isn
’
t here right now. Could I take a message?
”
Then the call was about Stephen. But what could have needed verification?
“
I see. Well, I don
’
t really know. Maybe Point Reyes. But he said to leave messages at a place in Stinson. Here
’
s the number.
”
Kathryn knew where he was. He
’
d told her. Told everybody except Penny. Left them a way he could be reached, left Penny in the dark, like she was the same as his insane ex-girlfriend. She wanted to cry
—
and to kick somebody at the same time. She wanted to hurt all of them, all at once, for how much they were hurting her.
“
What are you doing?
”
Toto, usually silent and smiling, looked up the stairs.
“
Eavesdropping?
”
He seemed incredulous, like nobody he
’
d ever known would do such a thing.
“
Sitting here, that
’
s all.
”
Still looking in shock, he went back into the living room, where the phone and everybody else was. Then Alicia appeared at the foot of the stairs.
“
There
’
s no use pretending you weren
’
t there the whole time. Come down and let
’
s work things out.
”
Penny had the sense of being called into a courtroom with a small jury ready to send her to the gallows.
“
Come on, Penny.
”
Alicia sounded tired.
She hadn
’
t realized she wasn
’
t moving. Her brain and body weren
’
t working together anymore.
“
I
’
m
—“
Sorry
had almost emerged from her mouth, but it would have been a lie and she swallowed it. This wasn
’
t something she was doing to them, this was something they
’
d done to her.
“
I know you
’
re disappointed,
”
Alicia said.
“
But don
’
t act like a stubborn child. Come downstairs and talk it out.
”
She wondered if they had any idea of how many times they used
“
child
”
or
“
baby
”
or
“
infant
”
when they spoke to her, if they realized what a constant insult it was. But she went downstairs.
“
So you heard us,
”
Kathryn said when she came in.
“
Heard the phone call.
”
“
I
—
It was an accident, but
—
you weren
’
t supposed to do that. I mean isn
’
t that the whole thing, keeping it a secret?
”
Kathryn looked bored and disgusted.
“
It was the police, all right?
”
“
How do you know? Anybody could pretend to be the police, all they have to do is find you, or whoever
’
s listed in this house.
”
They weren
’
t only mean, they were stupid.
Kathryn sat down on the green armchair. Its side was yellow where the sun had baked it. Rolled-up sleeping bags and bulging duffels were piled near the fireplace. They probably had all kinds of medieval gear in there
—
eating bowls and garb along with modern inventions like toilet paper. Penny considered it hypocritical to live in both centuries at the same time.
“
It was not Yvonne,
”
Kathryn said as if each word was a boulder she had to hoist.
“
I can tell Yvonne from the police. And why do I have to explain anything to you? You
’
re the one he didn
’
t want to have that number. How much did you hear?
”
Penny tilted her chin up, and looked into the distance. She
’
d heard everything, but she wasn
’
t on trial and she didn
’
t have to answer.
“
If we don
’
t get on the road soon, we might as well not go,
”
Toto said.
“
We won
’
t get there until it
’
s half over at this rate. You coming, after all, Gar?
”
The scarecrow shook his head.
“
Feel like hell, man. Just want to sleep.
”
“
If Gary changes his mind and goes, you
’
ll be here all alone,
”
Alicia said, but not like she cared.
“
Will you be okay?
”
If she was so concerned, she could ask her to go along. It wasn
’
t like they didn
’
t know she was interested, and she could have faked a costume out of tablecloths or pieces from the fabric store. They could have included her, but that idea had never occurred to them.
“
I get it,
”
she said.
“
You
’
re afraid I
’
ll steal the silver.
”
A joke, but nobody laughed. There was nothing in the house worth taking, except the computers, and she wasn
’
t a thief in the first place.
“
Or I
’
ll have a keg party, or play with matches and set the place on fire. Why do you treat me like I
’
m a disease?
”
“
Did you
—
How much did you hear of the telephone call?
”
Kathryn asked again.
“
Kath, that isn
’
t important. Can we get on with the packing?
”
Toto said.
Penny said nothing. Let them worry about whatever they imagined. That she
’
d stalk him the way Yvonne was. That she
’
d tell Yvonne where he could be reached. Whatever they were afraid of, let them keep the fear. They let her keep hers.
“
Okay, listen, that isn
’
t the point, anyway.
”
Alicia
’
s mouth was tight, as if holding in something, but she kept talking, looking like a stranger.
“
You might as well know now. The thing is, Stephen isn
’
t coming back.
”
“
Not coming back when?
”
“
Ever.
”
Alicia
’
s face was all downward curving lines.
“
He felt too strung-out to face a scene with you, so he
’
s waiting till later to tell you on the phone.
”
“
What do you mean, later?
”
Penny felt like a kid on the schoolyard, spinning until she was sick. She could see only a blur where they were, mouths speaking an unknown tongue.
“
When is
‘
later
’
?
”
“
Who knows? Whenever. That
’
s not the point.
”
“
Where is he going? Where has he gone?
”
“
I
’
m not talking about a side trip like this weekend. He
’
s moving out. He is not going to live here anymore. He doesn
’
t feel safe here and it
’
s gotten too
…
I know you understand, even if you
’
re pretending you don
’
t. He
’
s gone. History.
”
“
Without
…”
She couldn
’
t finish that in front of them. Without telling her? What had happened to his code of honor, to the idea of living chivalrously in the way the Middle Ages tried to be?
“
I don
’
t believe you. He
’
s not like that. You
’
re lying, taking advantage of me while he
’
s at the beach.
”
“
Ah,
”
Alicia said.
“
You heard everything, didn
’
t you? But the point is, we
’
re going to need a new housemate because we need the rent money, so you have to find another place. Soon. After this weekend, we
’
d like to start cleaning up.
”
Toto, looking relieved, as if someone had just lifted Penny off his back, stood up and waved good-bye.
“
More packing to do,
”
he said softly.
“
The bird,
”
she heard herself say, of all stupid things. She didn
’
t even like the hawk, but it was so much Stephen
’
s.
“
He would never leave Morgana.
”
“
We
’
ll get the bird to him when he has a new address, which won
’
t be for a few days at least.
”
They had excluded her while they plotted against her. Even Stephen. She had a sharp pain in her center, the way, she was sure, it feels when your heart breaks.
“
What do you want me to do?
”
she said, hating that her voice trembled, that she couldn
’
t look directly at them because they
’
d see she was crying. She sat, head bowed, and heard shuffling feet, a soft
“
okay,
”
and thought she might now be alone, so she looked up.
Alicia hadn
’
t gone. They had silently chosen her to handle things because they all thought she was good at things like this. When she spoke, her voice was soft. A
“
real Mommy
”
voice, Wesley would call it, because he divided their mother into the
“
real
”
and the
“
mean
”
and only the soft, considerate version counted with him as
“
real Mommy.
”
She blinked even harder, thinking of him.
“
Go home, Penny,
”
Alicia said gently.
“
Finish school. Give yourself a break.
”
“
I can
’
t. I can
’
t stand it there.
”
“
At school?
”
“
No. Home.
”
“
Did they do something bad to you?
”