To Die Fur (A Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Mystery) (15 page)

“Dinner? I wasn’t sure there was going to be one. I mean, how many of our guests are sticking around now that Augustus is gone? Though I guess he isn’t, not really—”

I gently nudged him back to safer territory. “Assume all of them are staying. What do you have planned for soup?”

“Uh. Well, we got some nice organic asparagus in. I could cream it.”

“Sounds good. Appetizer?”

“Maybe some stuffed mushrooms. I have a recipe a friend sent me that I’ve been meaning to try, but I’d have to get some goat cheese…”

I risked a quick glance back at the liger and the lion god. Their voices immediately became audible in my head: Apedemek was regaling Augustus with some sort of epic tale involving a herd of wildebeests. Augustus looked more puzzled than anything else.

“… and for the mains, I was thinking seafood, some nice tuna steaks or maybe sea bass—”

THE PRIDE RIPPED INTO THE HERD WITH CLAW AND FANG. BLOOD SPRAYED AND FLESH TORE. IT WAS GLORIOUS
.

“—and I could do an
amuse-bouche
with the mango and smoked salmon on some puff pastry or maybe a sesame cracker—”

ROARS SHATTERED THE AIR! THERE WAS FEASTING AND RUTTING AND FUR SOAKED IN GORE! AND THEN—A NAP!

“—and crème caramel for dessert. What do you think?”

“Uh-huh,” I said faintly. “Sounds nice.”

“Okay, then. I think I’ll do that.”

EPIC NAPPING! A NAP THAT WILL BE IMMORTALIZED FOR ALL TIME! A NAP FIT FOR THE KINGS OF ALL BEASTS
!

“Glad I could help,” I said. I concentrated on Ben’s voice, and Apedemek’s faded. “Feeling any better?”

“Yeah, actually. Guess I just needed to clear my head and focus on the here and now, instead of the … there and then.”

“Well, hang in there. It’s not all talking crows and ghosts. Once you get used to a few things, it’s almost mundane,” I said as I watched a giant flaming lion talk about the splendor of blood-soaked naps in the afterlife. “You’ll see.”

“Thanks, Foxtrot. I’ll let you get back to it. Got a meal to prep.”

“Sure. Bye.”

I slipped the phone back into my pocket. As I did so, I heard Tango’s voice in my head.

And then I saw Augustus give his head a definite shake
no
.

“What?” I said. “I didn’t catch that. What did he say to him?”

ROOOOAAAAAAR!

Not again … this time, I did try to cover my ears. It didn’t do any good, of course—I was hearing that roar
inside
my head, not via my eardrums.

Tango observed as Augustus bolted away.

No. Apedemek might get the wrong idea, and we don’t want to be on his bad side. Let’s wait and see what he does
.

What the lion god did was glare at Eli.
I WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED IN SUCH A MANNER!

“Take it easy,” said Eli. “You made your case. Just give him a little time to think it over.”

THERE IS NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT. I AM HIS GOD, AND HE WILL OBEY ME.

Eli cocked his head to one side. “Yes, well. About that…”

Which is when I heard the deep, rumbling growl of a jungle cat—and it wasn’t Augustus
or
Apedemek. It was coming from the other side of the far hill, and it was getting steadily louder …

C
HAPTER
T
EN

The tigress stalked over the crest of the hill.

She was as large as Apedemek, but as silent as falling snow. The black of her stripes seemed to sparkle with distant stars, as if they were slashes in the fabric of space. The deep gold of her fur seemed more like burnished metal than anything organic, and her eyes were as green as emeralds.

<<>>
she rumbled.
<<>>

Apedemek snorted.
NO, WAGHAI DEVI. I COME ONLY TO CLAIM MY OWN.

The tiger goddess—because, hey, what else could she be?—settled herself on her haunches and began to industriously clean one paw.
<<>>

[Oh, dear,] said Whiskey. [I was afraid this would happen.]

“Yeah?” I muttered. “Thanks for letting me know. I wouldn’t want to get blindsided by a conflict between two gods or anything.”

[It wasn’t up to me, Foxtrot. You know I’m not allowed—]

Sshh. I get it. You cannot officially confirm or deny the existence of animal deities. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay with this.

Eli flapped his way up to a higher perch on top of a nearby mausoleum, so he could see eye-to-eye with both felines. “Greetings, Waghai Devi. I welcome you to the Great Crossroads.”

<<>>

said Tango.

Not to worry. There are so many things on my current list of things-that-have-recently-blown-my-mind that I won’t be able to get to that particular tidbit until early next year. I’ll schedule a freakout for around the third week in January—how’s that for you?

“My apologies,” said Eli. “But it’s comfortable, and everything else is in the wash. Now—are you here to make a formal claim, or simply to chat?”

SHE HAS NO CLAIM—

“I wasn’t talking to you, Apedemek.”

I worked for a foreign diplomat for a while. I got to overhear some pretty high-powered negotiations between some pretty high-powered people, and what was always fascinating about the conversations wasn’t so much
what
was said as
how
it was said. There’s a subtle dance of protocol and attitude, as both parties try to show how tough they are without giving anything away. It’s like watching poker being played with razor-edged cards; there’s always this feeling that the slightest slip might cause blood to spill.

Watching Eli talk to Waghai Devi and Apedemek was like that. One tiny bird between two huge predators—but if I closed my eyes and just listened to the conversation, it was clear who was in charge. Despite their posturing, the two cats were foreign dignitaries in someone else’s country, and they knew it.

<<>>

There was a pause.
PRETTY,
Apedemek said.
DID YOU BRING HIM FLOWERS, TOO?

<<>>
Waghai Devi said to Eli.
<<>>

The crow cocked his head at the tigress. “There are two claims to Augustus, as you well know. I will give you the same answer I gave Apedemek: Augustus must make his own choice. You may speak with him; Apedemek already has—”

Which was when Waghai Devi roared.

It was different from Apedemek’s, but just as intense. Whereas the lion’s roar was the full-throated bellow of a charging killer, Waghai Devi’s was the terrifying scream of the monster in the night, the hungry beast just beyond the light of the campfire. It was a promise of death to come.

And this time, Whiskey
growled
.

I looked down in shock. He looked back at me, apologetically. I felt like I’d just passed gas in the presence of the entire court of England.

Waghai Devi, thankfully, ignored us. Her furious eyes were locked on Eli.
<<his
claim before mine? Do you think so little of me and my station?>>>

Eli stared back at the tiger, unblinking. “He arrived first. That is all.”

Now the tiger goddess was on her feet, stalking back and forth. Apedemek remained on his haunches, but his ears went back and his body posture changed.

said Tango.

Cat-fu?

So they’re sizing each other up for an actual battle?

is
the battle.>

Apedemek tracked Waghai Devi’s motion with his eyes, but otherwise was as still as a statue. Eli looked from one to the other, and said, “Stop this. Neither of you is doing your cause any good.”

Waghai Devi snarled, a softer but even more threatening sound. Apedemek snarled back. I wondered if there would be anything left of the Great Crossroads after a fight between two gods.

“I said
enough,
” Eli intoned, and there was something in his voice that was just as frightening as either roar had been. More, maybe; there was an undercurrent of steel to it, steel harder and sharper than any tooth or claw.

The two big cats stopped. They continued to glare at each other, but they relaxed ever so slightly. It felt like someone had just reset the timer on a bomb from ten seconds to a minute.

“Both of you are out of line,” Eli said coldly. “Apedemek, you should have waited before making your claim. Waghai Devi, you should have shown more restraint in your response. Neither of you will claim Augustus at this time; Waghai Devi may address the liger, but after that you must both return to your respective realms. We will allow Augustus some time to think on this matter, and then he will make his decision. Is that clear?”

Apedemek answered first.
HE HAS ONLY ONE CHOICE
.

<<>>
countered the tigress.
<<>>

A blaze of light flared upward from a grave, slashing a hole in space into the air itself; on the other side, I could see a dusty yellow veldt stretching into the distance. Apedemek leapt through the rend and it closed behind him.

I expected some sort of last word from Devi, but she just turned and stalked away in the same direction Augustus had fled. Guess she didn’t have anything else to say, or maybe it was a deliberate snub.

Or it could be she was just being a cat. A giant, supernatural, pissed-off cat.

said Tango.

“Yeah, what was that all about?” I asked.

[I apologize for my lack of decorum, but it wasn’t a conscious choice. Dogs have been tasked with defending humans from—or warning them about—predators such as that since the age of the saber-tooth. It’s simply in my nature.]

Suddenly I had a much clearer idea of why cats and dogs didn’t get along. On some level, dogs were all convinced that cats were out to eat their owners.

Of course, by the same logic, cats were probably convinced all dogs were really wolves about to do the same thing. They just didn’t care.

Eli took to the air and flapped his way over to me, landing on the arm of a large stone cross. “Foxtrot. I hope you’re up for this.”

“What, a holy war between actual holies? Pfft. How bad can it get?” I did my best to sound upbeat; freaking out wasn’t going to help anything.

“Let’s not think about that,” Eli said.

Uh-oh. Anytime your boss tells you not to consider the worst-case scenario, it’s because the worst-case scenario is the period at the end of a sentence that’s two words long: The End. Or in this case, more likely an exclamation mark that’s on fire.

“It’s going to require some delicate negotiation to keep this from escalating,” Eli said. “Diplomacy, tact, patience, and courage. Not really the sort of mission I would normally assign to someone inexperienced in such matters.”

“Hey,” I said. “Have a little faith, will you? I may not have negotiated with gods before, but I have hammered out contract riders for rock stars. You want tough, try justifying a demand for roast suckling pig marinated in twelve-year-old brandy served promptly at one
AM.
” True story.

Eli shook his head. “You don’t understand. It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s Ben.”

“Excuse me?”

“That’s the traditional role of Thunderbirds, Foxtrot. They’re the messengers of the gods.”

[I was trying to explain that to her when we were interrupted,] Whiskey said helpfully.

“That’s why I brought him here,” said Eli. “I can’t go to the lion god’s domain, or to the tigress’s. Waghai Devi won’t stay away from her realm long; she’ll do her best to convince Augustus to leave with her, but I doubt she’ll be successful.”

Tango agreed.

“And then,” said Eli, “we’re going to have a volatile situation. Both gods are going to be convinced the other one is plotting to do something devious. Both are going to view any action by the other with extreme suspicion.”

“And this is the situation Ben is supposed to deal with? He’s a
chef,
not a diplomat!”

Eli sighed. “I know. But it’s in his blood; his kind have been doing this for eons. He just needs to … adjust. Which is where you come in.”

“You want me to
adjust
him?”

[Indeed.]

Shut up, both of you
. “Look, he’s still trying to get his head wrapped around the whole graveyard-full-of-dead-animals thing. Now you want to put him in charge of preventing an intermetaphysical incident? That’s going to take more than adjustment—more like a complete realignment. How am I supposed to accomplish that?”