To Honor (7 page)

Care. The word caught Evelyn’s attention. Derek cares.

“What time is it?” She tilted her head as she tried to read Sandra’s watch upside down.

“Uh.” The nurse lifted her wrist and looked at the time. “Almost eight-thirty. Why?”

Evelyn jumped up, taking care not to knock Sandra over. “I’m sorry, I have to go to marriage counseling.”

* * * *

“I felt abandoned, like I was coping with the whole thing by myself.”

Derek frowned as he listened to his wife talk to Sherman. She was beginning to open up, to talk about the issues she’d been facing. It’d taken nearly a week’s worth of daily sessions for her to start talking, but she finally was. Through it all, he realized a common theme that had sunk them deeper and deeper. Instead of talking to his wife, to voice his pain and sorrow and fears, Derek had gone silent. In doing so, he’d sent Evelyn vibes that suggested he was unaffected by the traumatic events surrounding them.

“I’m sorry,” he said, keeping his tone soft. “I should have been your rock to cling to, but I acted like I had the emotions of a rock. I promise to be more open when I hurt.”

Evelyn glanced at him, and though her look was wary, it no longer contained the aloof anger that she’d clung so tightly to the first few days. “You were so distant. I sometimes wondered if you even cared that our baby died.”

A stab of pain shot through him at the words. Even now he couldn’t quite cope with the knowledge. His body began shaking, a familiar companion lately. It wasn’t until recently that he’d discovered from Sherman that the shaking was a physical indicator of high amounts of stress or repressed emotion. Derek decided to take it as a sign.

“I thought I lost both of you. When I got to the hospital, three days had already passed. You were still in a coma and our daughter…” He swallowed the lump in his throat and sent a silent prayer that he wouldn’t start crying. “They couldn’t give me a definite answer on whether or not you would ever wake up. I couldn’t stand it. I guess I shut down because it was the only way I could keep going. What I wanted to do was find the room of the driver who caused all this. I wanted to drag them into your room so they could see what they’d done to you, then show them Astridea. I—I—”

“Breathe,” Sherman instructed gently.

Derek gasped for air, dragging each breath in through sheer willpower as he fought the sobs back. His body continued to shake and he could see the corded muscles on his forearms starting to stand out. He made an effort to unclench his hands, and he wondered for a moment just when he had clenched them to begin with.

When Evelyn put her hand on his arm, he blinked a few times to be sure it was really even there. The warmth of her touch, soothing and familiar, infused his skin like a healing balm. The shaking subsided, stopped and once more he was able to take a breath.

“I’m here.” Her words, so soft, sounded almost like a question.

He raised his gaze and met hers. Worry dominated her features; her brow wrinkled, eyes brimming with unshed tears and lips set in a grim line. Was she worried that he didn’t want her here? How could she even doubt after what he’d just said? “I’m glad,” he replied.

Relief tugged at him as her brow smoothed and her mouth softened. “My arms feel so empty without her,” Evelyn admitted. “I can’t look at anyone who has a baby without hating them and I know it’s not right. I know they don’t deserve it, but I see them with their children, healthy and alive, and for a moment I am filled with hate.”

Derek stood and pulled his wife to her feet. “I can’t fill the gap in your heart that misses our baby. I’ve got a huge hole in mine too. But I know my arms are also empty, and the only one who can fill them is my wife.” He urged her into a hug, and was thrilled when she allowed him to wrap his arms around her.

Chapter Nine

Evelyn smoothed imaginary wrinkles out of her pants and blouse. Her stomach performed flip-flops as she stared down at her feet and let out a sigh. How was she supposed to be appealing in the footwear area if all she had available were non-slip socks or her tennis shoes, minus laces? Every step involved a shuffle in the shoes, just to keep the damn things on. And the socks…well that just wasn’t going to cut it for today.

I will not cry over something this stupid.
Evelyn repeated the mantra in her head as she approached the nurse’s station. “I’m ready, I guess.” She offered Sandra a smile that she knew looked half-hearted at best.

“Oh, that’s not a happy face. Aren’t you excited?” Sandra put the paperwork down she was filing and frowned at Evelyn. “Do you want to cancel?”

“No, I…” Evelyn shifted, painfully aware of her appearance. “I look stupid,” she finished lamely.

Sandra stepped out from behind the counter and look Evelyn over from head to feet. When her gaze reached the shoes, she tapped a finger against her chin. “The blouse and pants are pretty, so it must be the shoes you’re upset about.”

Evelyn nodded, misery at her embarrassing situation causing her to remain silent. I feel like a child on the first day of school!

“What shoe size do you wear,” the nurse asked her.

“Huh? Oh, uh, eight. Why?”

“Here, these are eight and a half, but try these.” Sandra began pulling her shoes off. They were the slip-on kind. Rubber soled, pink fabric to go with her pink scrubs, and best of all, no laces to take out.

Heat infused Evelyn’s cheeks at the offer. “What about you?”

With a laugh, Sandra handed her the shoes. “Are you kidding me? I love the scuffy socks.”

Upon hearing the nickname for them, Evelyn chuckled too. “Only if you are sure. I don’t want to be a bother.”

The nurse waved a hand in a dismissive gesture. “Put them on, and go have fun on your date.”

With many expressions of gratitude, Evelyn took the shoes and slipped them on. They were slightly loose, but nowhere near like her tennis shoes were without the laces. She took a few steps, testing them out, and breathed a sigh of relief that no shuffling was required.

After she returned her own pair of shoes to her room, she followed Sandra to the elevator so she could be escorted downstairs. Once again, her stomach performed gymnastic maneuvers deep inside.

As the elevator doors open, Evelyn squared her shoulders. Now or never.

* * * *

Derek toyed with the bag of food as he continued to eye the doorway. His heart pounded a rapid beat in his chest that only increased his anxiety. The aroma of the fast food turned his stomach, making it lurch dangerously each time he inhaled a little too deep.

She backed out. Evelyn’s not coming.

A smile tugged at his lips as the thoughts echoed in his head. He realized, with a roll of his eyes, that he sounded like a teenager in the throes of angst over his first date. Evelyn wasn’t a girl he’d just met, she was his wife. And yet, he had to admit, he knew her about as well as a new acquaintance.

Oh, he’d known her during the first years of their marriage. Back when things were new and fresh. Before long deployments frayed their intimacy and the endless fertility clinics had broken their hearts. They’d been like mirrors of each other, once upon a time. Able to finish sentences the other had started, to predict choices and desires, to know when comfort was needed even oceans apart.

Then the accident happened, ripping their daughter from their arms in a cruel act of fate. For a few weeks, Derek had suffered in agony as his wife lay in a coma. He was certain he’d lost both of them. He never wanted to hurt like that again.

In the end, I did lose her because of my wall. I was so selfish, so damn stupid, so—

“Derek?”

The voice broke him from his inner turmoil and he made certain to place a welcoming smile on his face before lifting his gaze. “I was worried you’d decided against our lunch date.”

Evelyn sat down across from him. Her face remained neutral, but her eyes looked far more alive than they had for weeks. He was relieved to see the emotion returning to them. The cold distance that he’d witnessed in them only a week ago still haunted his nightmares.

“I wasn’t about to turn the food down. The stuff they serve isn’t horrible, but I miss my kitchen.”

He heard the way her voice caught and leaned forward, chucking her under the chin. The unshed tears that misted her eyes made his heart cry out in pain. “Don’t worry, Eva. We’ll get you home soon. Flint’s wife is keeping an eye on the place for us, and you know everything will be just as you left it.”

With a nod, she sniffled and pulled away from his touch. He tried not to let the disappointment show on his face at her retreat. “The food smells good,” she said.

Derek took the cue and opened the bag. “It’s only fast food, but…” He let it drop, concentrating instead on pulling the contents out and setting it on the table.

As she munched quietly on her cheeseburger, he let his gaze rove over her. The clothing she wore hung loose, but she didn’t look washed out anymore. When had she lost all that weight? Surely it hadn’t happened during their stay here. Her hair was a shiny auburn again and no longer hung in the limp curls as it had a week or so ago. His wife was, in his opinion, looking better.

“I’ve missed you,” he murmured.

A flush painted Evelyn’s cheeks a soft pink. “Derek, I…” She sat her burger down and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what you want from me and I don’t understand why you are here. Surely Toni is wondering what happened to you.”

Anger and shame clench his gut at her words. In an effort to hide it, he grasped her hand and gave it a careful squeeze. “Toni
Landers
,” he allowed the disgust to show in his voice as he said the dreaded woman’s name, “has no business in my life. She is a manipulative bitch who, last I knew, has her hands full with a well-deserved court martial. I never wanted her and I know that now. All I’ve ever wanted is you.”

The tears that threatened to spill earlier now streamed freely down Evelyn’s cheeks. “What if…” Her voice trembled as she attempted to speak. “What if you forget again?”

Derek stood up, walked around the table, sat beside his wife, then pulled her into his lap. He rocked her, letting his actions show how precious she was to him. He placed a gentle kiss against the top of her head and let her cry into his chest. When the sobs finally stopped, and Evelyn lay quietly in his arms, he stroked her face. “I will spend every day haunted by what I’ve done to you. There is no apology strong enough in the universe to make up for what I’ve done, but I can try with actions. I will never forget again, and I will use every day to show you that.”

Evelyn didn’t reply, but Derek took comfort in her silence and the fact she remained in his arms. By the time he went to his living quarters that night, his arms were sore from rocking her for hours.

He couldn’t wait to do it again tomorrow.

Chapter Ten

The ticking of the clock irritated Evelyn, yet she maintained her composure. She had to. This man was out to get her for some reason, and she wasn’t blind to that fact. Any slip up on her end—a show of temper, a tear of distress—and he was quick to label her mentally unstable and press her continued stay at the facility. The only way to gain any ground was to remain perfectly amicable regardless of how she felt inside.

Oh how she hated Dr. Williams.

For the moment, he was staring at some paperwork he held in his hands. Well, more like glaring. Evelyn had no idea what the paperwork said, but she took pleasure in his obvious discomfort regardless. When he set it down and raised his gaze to her, she made sure her expression was passive and serene.