To Love and Protect (30 page)

Determined to push aside her worries, Clarissa left the bed, performed her ablutions and dressed quickly in a simple outfit.
 
Her stomach growled noisily and she hoped she had not missed the noon meal.
 
After slowly making her way downstairs, she found the dining room occupied by most of Justin’s family.
 
Food had been laid out on trays and warmers in an informal manner.
 
She looked around the room and saw no sign of either Justin or her father.

Relief coursed through her, relaxing her body.
 
Those who sat around the table greeted her as she made her way to the buffet.
 
After quickly filling her plate, a footman took it from her and carried it to the table for her then assisted her to her seat.
 
Ravenous, she dug into her food.
 
Matilda watched her keenly from across the way.
 
Self-conscious, she began eating more slowly wondering what the old woman saw.

“Your father is very despondent today,” Matilda said slowly.

“We had words last night.
 
I don’t agree with several things he has done in the past.
 
I made my concerns known.
 
He did not take it very well.”

“It looks as if you did not take it well, either.”

“I would rather not talk about it,” she dipped her head and continued to eat.

“Clarissa, do we have to have our lesson today?” Megan asked.

“Yes.
 
I have laid about long enough.
 
It is time we began again.
 
Where did we leave off?”

“Riding?” she asked hopefully.

“No, I believe it was formality and introductions.”

“And here I thought you were fun.”

“Oh, she can be fun, you just have to catch her in the right frame of mind,” a husky voice teased from the doorway.
 
Clarissa felt herself blush at the underlying meaning of those words.
 
She saw Matilda watch her speculatively, and she blushed even deeper.

“Good afternoon, dear,” Justin’s mother greeted him.
 
“Won’t you join us?”

“I believe I will.”
 
Clarissa covertly watched him saunter over to the buffet and fill his plate before sitting on the other side of her.
 
She did not need to be trapped between him and his sister.
 
Frantically, she searched her mind for an excuse to get away, but could come up with nothing.
 
Instead, she bent her head and continued to eat, slowly and methodically.

She had paused to take a sip of water, when she jumped and nearly spit the liquid across the table.
 
She began coughing when Megan looked at her in concern.
 

“Are you all right, Clarissa?” Megan asked, concern filling her voice.

“Fine,” she wheezed.
 
She shot Justin a look that could have frozen him where he sat.

“Are you certain you’re fine?” he asked, concern laced his voice as his hand traveled up and down her thigh once more.

“Perfectly,” she bit out and pulled her napkin from her lap.
 
She dabbed at her lips and placed the napkin back across her legs.
 
After finding Justin’s hand, she pinched the back hard so that he would draw back.

“Feisty,” he murmured so that no one else could hear.

“Megan, I think I’m ready to begin your lessons.”

“Very well,” she replied, standing when Clarissa stood and assisted her up the stairs.

The afternoon passed quickly after having convalesced for several days.
 
It felt good to be up and about once more.
 
She enjoyed working with Megan and helping her in her elocution and deportment.
 
However, Megan definitely loved her horses.
 
Clarissa caught her several times staring out at the stables, not paying attention to the lesson.
 
Clarissa walked over to the window and looked down at the stables.
 
An older man and several older lads were out there working with the horses.

“So, are you truly as horse mad as everyone believes, or have you found another pastime as well?” Clarissa asked, arching one delicate, blonde brow.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.
 
I love my horses.”

“I’m not denying that, but what about those lads down there?”

“Please, they are just boys, and most are younger than myself.”

“I see.”
 

“Only one man has my heart.”

“Megan, why don’t you see if Liam will talk to Justin?”

“He has tried, but Justin sees him coming and turns the other direction.”

“Just be careful,” she said wisely thinking back over the past few days with Justin.
 
“Now, why don’t we go down and see what smells so delicious.”
 
As they walked down the stairs, several others had gathered as well.
 
They all gathered around the table and Clarissa watched as Justin and his relatives animatedly talked.
 
She had missed out on this growing up and only now realized it.

The evening meal ended and the group dispersed to the study.
 
Clarissa tried to wedge herself under her father to help him move from one room to the other, when Justin stepped in.

“Your feet are still healing.
 
I’ll help your father.”

“Thank you,” Clarissa replied, deciding not to argue the point.
 
Papa seemed to be doing much better than when they had arrived over a month ago.

“Mamma, when are we returning to the keep?” Megan asked as everyone settled in front of the fire.

“I suppose we can leave in the next day or so, if His Grace is well on the mend.”

“I will be glad to go back.”

“You just want to be back with all your horses,” Justin teased his sister.

“I will not lie, I do want to continue working the horses, but I also miss decorating for Yule.”

“What do you mean?” Clarissa asked, curiously.

“Here in Scotland, it has been against the law since the 1600’s to celebrate Yule.
 
Although the authorities are becoming more lax in upholding the law, we still dare not decorate in any of the major towns and cities; however, the remote areas of the country tend to defy the law because they are farther away from curious eyes.”

“That is sad and a reminder of how different our countries are, even though we are ruled by the same man,” Clarissa said.
 
“Queen Charlotte has brought some of her own traditions from her homeland.
 
At first everyone thought it very strange, but now several of the most prominent homes in London are following suit.”

“And what are some of the things she has brought?” Justin’s grandmother asked.

“A Christmas tree,” Clarissa said.

“A tree?” Justin’s grandfather harrumphed.

“It’s true,” the Duke of Hamilton added.
 
“I’ve seen it myself.”

“Yes, Princess Charlotte has had a live Yew tree brought indoors and planted in a planter.
 
Then garlands of sweetmeats and other candies are draped on it.
 
Little candles are placed on the branches and lit.
 
The most wonderful thing are the presents.
 
They are hidden among the branches and placed below the branches as well.
 
I have been lucky enough to help Princess Charlotte host a party for a group of children.
 
Their faces were so alight with joy.
 
The last two years we did the same with some of the orphanages in London.
 
It was almost as if, for a short time, those children had not lost everything in their short lives,” Clarissa finished, swiping away at a tear that clung to her lashes.

“It sounds wonderful,” Maureen said.

“I can almost picture it in my mind,” Megan sighed.

After the family and guests dispersed to their rooms for the night, Clarissa lay in her bed, cuddled beneath the bed covers.
 
Although warm and toasty, she felt very alone.
 

“You’ll just have to get used to that feeling,” she mumbled to herself.

The hour grew late, and she was still very much wide-awake.
 
She had tried counting, and reciting both the alphabet and old nursery rhymes.
 
None of them had helped her to nod off.
 
Deciding to be done with it, she lit a candle and found a book she had been reading, and attempted to lose herself in the words.
 
She watched as her door opened soundlessly and Justin entered, shutting it softly behind him.

“What are you doing?”

“I saw your light on.
 
Can’t you sleep?”

“Unfortunately, no.
 
But I have company,” she held the book up for him to see, “so you may return to your room.

“I can’t sleep either.”

“Try a book.
 
At least it will keep you occupied.”

“I know something else that will keep me occupied.
 
Both of us, really.”

“Southerby,” she said warningly.
 
He began stalking across the room towards her.
 
“Southerby, we can’t have any more repeat sessions of last night or yesterday afternoon.”

“Why not?”
 
He bent and captured her lips, taking the book from her loose hands and setting it aside.

“What if we are not careful enough?
 
What if there is a child?”

“We’ll marry,” he shrugged off her concern negligently.
 

“Have you forgotten that I do not wish to wed?”

“I believe that is all a lot of guff and nonsense.”

“Excuse me?”

“Clarissa, your father does not need a daughter to take care of him.
 
Hell, he doesn’t even need a nursemaid.
 
In his own way, I think the will is his way of attempting to see you as happy as he once was.”

“He had a fine way of showing it,” bitterness laced her voice.

“I agree.
 
However, that was his choice.
 
You can either rise above or sink to his level.
 
Now, I have to ask you one question.
 
Do you really want to be alone the rest of your life?”
 
He watched the indecision play across her face.
 
He saw the longing there, briefly, before she hid her reaction.

“I believe my life is perfectly fine the way it is.”

“Mine isn’t.”

“What are you saying?”

“Clarissa, you have come into my life and turned it upside down.
 
From the moment I saw you in your torn dress in Gertie’s salon, I had this feeling that something of great magnitude had changed in my life.
 
Granted, I fought it for as long as I possibly could.”

Clarissa looked at Justin, her mouth hanging open in astonishment.
 
Was he really doing what she thought he was?
 
And if so, what would her answer be?
 
He treated her as no other man ever had.
 
To him, she was not a trophy to be had, at least she hoped not.
 
He yelled at her and told her things about her life that she did not want to know.
 
If she did decide to marry, wouldn’t that type of marriage be far preferable to one of polite indifference?

“Justin, what are you trying to say?”

“Clare, I am saying that I admire you greatly.
 
Your courage is beyond that of any woman I have had the opportunity to know.
 
Your loyalty to your family is honorable.
 
You physically drive me to the point of madness until I can once again hold you in my arms.
 
I care for you, Clarissa and would be honored if you will be my wife.”

Clarissa stared at him, her mouth open in astonishment.
 
He knelt beside her, her hand clasped in his.
 
She pulled her hand free and stood shakily, moving to the opposite side of the bed.
 
Her insides felt as if a horde of butterflies had been let loose.
 
Her legs felt limp.
 
Dear Lord, he had truly asked her to marry him.
 
He had not declared it based on love and emotion, but rather facts that she could not argue with.
 
Her hands shook as she wrapped her arms around her waist.

“Are you all right?”
 
He made to move around the bed, but she stopped him with a shake of her head.

“No, don’t come over here, please,” a pleading look crossed her face.
 
He stopped and gripped one of the posts of her bed as if to anchor himself and keep from reaching out to her.
 
“After all that you know and all that I have told you about not wanting to marry, still you ask.”

“I thought I explained why well enough.”

“Perhaps for yourself.
 
Has my father gotten to you?” she demanded.

“No,” he denied.
 
And in truth, it wasn’t actually a lie.
 
He had decided to propose to her long before the argument he had had with her father.

“Why?”

“We slept together.”

“So.
 
Many people do that and never marry.”

“I am more honorable than ‘many people’.”

“Everything was fine the way it was.”

“Of course it was fine, if you consider not being able to get you off my mind fine.
 
Clarissa, have you any idea the number of years I aged when I saw that rock rushing towards you?”

“You merely feel responsible for me because of our connection with Gertie.”

“Responsible?
 
Lord, I wish that is all it was.
 
Do you know why I came in here tonight?”