To Love and Submit (22 page)
But by the look on her face I had apparently lapsed into some obscure dialect of Swahili—one language I am not especially familiar with—for all the sense I was making. I don’t think I was able to articulate my present dilemma very well—unusual for me, I’m normally a precise and persuasive communicator, probably because I usually have the advantage of knowing what I’m talking about. But for once, I don’t. I have no idea where the sudden and overwhelming panic came from that drove me to pack in a perfectly nice and well-paid job, a job promising me academic prestige and offering glittering prospects, and present myself instead on her doorstep.
It started weeks, maybe months ago. I was suffocating at Oxford. At first it was just a feeling of inadequacy. Me—inadequate! I couldn’t work out where it was all coming from. I’m bloody good at what I do. Used to do. My perfectly logical brain told me there was absolutely no reason to doubt myself. But the doubts still grew. They grew into fear, then into panic attacks. I started forgetting things—appointments, names, deadlines. I started arriving late at work with no idea why or how I got delayed. I was losing track of time. And some days I didn’t turn up at all, just stayed under my duvet and ignored my phone as it rang and rang. All the time I was becoming more frightened, more confused.
My memory is exceptional. Truly, truly exceptional. My attention to detail is outstanding. I had no idea what was happening to me. My life, I suppose, was generally crap enough and tedious much of the time, but at least I had my work and I was proud of what I’d achieved in so short a time. Without that, I had nothing. Was nothing.
My team leader and mentor, Professor Benson, spotted that I was slipping up, losing my grip. He commented on it. He was kind, concerned. He said that I looked ill and tired, told me to take some time off. I said I was fine, so he insisted. Ordered me home for a fortnight to rest, recharge. Big mistake. Big, big mistake,
I spent my enforced holiday perched on the end of my lonely little single bed, in my tiny flat on the outskirts of Oxford, eating next to nothing apart from the occasional Pot Noodle, and sleeping for no more than an hour or so at a time. I was turning over and over in my head all the things that were wrong, all the things I didn’t believe I could do anymore, all the ways I was letting myself and everyone around me down. Even small, simple tasks became huge, insurmountable problems, and planning anything was completely beyond me. I even found myself sticking Post-it notes on the fridge one day to remind me to put the bin out on the following Tuesday, desperately afraid of the dire consequences that would surely follow if I missed that crucial deadline.
And all that fortnight, the monstrous spectre of my return to the college loomed closer. I counted down the days, then the hours, my panic mounting, my desperation gripping me so fiercely at times that I couldn’t breathe.
I started to have asthma attacks—a problem I’d thought I left behind in childhood. I managed to scrounge some Ventolin from the girl in the flat below, saying I’d just run out, when in reality making a doctor’s appointment to get a prescription was beyond me. It was a pity, really. A doctor was probably exactly what I needed, though I would never have admitted that to myself. Not then.
I sat in my flat and imagined myself in a cell awaiting execution, conscious of every passing moment, trying to hold onto each second as it slipped inexorably past me and out of my reach. I spent the night before I was due back at work crouched on the floor in my bathroom, shivering. By the time I could put off the evil moment no longer, I was numb with fear. I’d rather have stuck pins in my eyes than go to the college and face a day at work. Worried about being late again, I left my flat about two hours early, determined to walk to the college and clear my head on the way.
I might as well have tried to remove my own spleen with a knife and fork and a couple of aspirins. It just wasn’t happening, and by the time I arrived at the college I was little short of sleep-walking, forcing one foot in front of the other by sheer willpower. My all-consuming panic couldn’t have been any more compelling if there really had been a pillow over my head, because that was how it felt to me. I was gripped by utter terror and absolute desperation to escape.
That morning is something of a blur now, but I vaguely remember that I made my way on autopilot to the small office I shared with two postgraduates and sat down at my cluttered desk. It was all just as I’d left it, and all the more terrifying for that. Everything that had so scared me before my enforced leave was all still there, waiting for me. Only one of my colleagues was in residence, and Susie’s cheery ‘hello’ only served to prove to me how mentally mashed up I was. I couldn’t even remember what the right response was, so I just ignored her, sat down and pressed the button on the front of my PC to fire it up.
“Are you okay? Eva?” The disembodied voice from somewhere nearby eventually penetrated my consciousness and I turned to look. Susie was there, standing just behind me. So was Professor Benson—Ben to us—and they both looked worried, perplexed. Ben stepped forward, reached out for me, and I thought he was going to put his hand on my shoulder. I leapt to my feet, my every confused instinct screaming at me to run for the door. But they were blocking my way. I was trapped. I caught sight of the clock on the wall—nine-forty—and realised I’d been sitting, staring at the blank screen, for over half an hour. I suppose Susie had noticed, become concerned—no flies on that girl—and had gone to fetch the professor. Their sympathetic concern was the final nail in the coffin of my flimsy composure, and I had no other thought in my head by then but to get out of there—just make a run for it and never come back.
So that was exactly what I did. I picked up my bag, went to put my coat on and only then realised I’d never even taken it off. I asked them politely to excuse me, and I left the room. Slowly and calmly, I made my way along the corridor, heading for the outside, and only started to run as though my life depended on it when I hit the fresh air.
Looking back, I know now that I had some sort of mini breakdown. Or maybe not so mini. Nothing else explains my overwhelming desperation, my phobic need to get out of there, to fight my way out if need be and to make my escape. Maybe I should have presented myself at the university health centre. They might have cured me. But instead I went back to my poky little flat, sent an email from my phone resigning my fellowship in the Faculty of Linguistics, apologised to Ben for letting him down, then got in my car and headed for my mother’s apartment in North London.
She was delighted to see me at first, thinking I’d come for a little flying surprise visit. Her joy was short-lived. She was as horrified as Ben had been when I told her I’d resigned and was staying. Indefinitely.
Ben was on the phone constantly, talking to my mother because I flatly refused to take his calls. Through her, I learned that he understood—which was more than I could say for me. That he knew I needed more time off, and he thought maybe I should go and have a chat with my GP, but I was not to come back until I felt well enough. Through my mother, I asked him what part of ‘I resign’ was not perfectly clear to him, and refused to take part in any further discussion.
Despite my mother’s pleading, I flatly refused to go anywhere near a doctor either. I knew something was wrong with me, badly wrong, but the last thing I needed—or so I thought, was to be labelled unstable. I knew what they’d have to say. The talk would be of mental health issues. Depression. The very words terrified me, left me feeling weak and inadequate, somehow tainted, and I was having none of that.
So it was just me, my duvet and my mother’s home cooking, and for the next four weeks or so that was all my world consisted of. It was enough, and eventually I began to peep out. I began to think it might be safe to actually
come
out, just briefly. I could always scuttle back if things went wrong. What those ‘things’ might be, I wasn’t sure, but the very thought of them scared me rigid. And the first few times I did scuttle back, but eventually I got a bit braver, and began to think maybe I might like to do something after all. I wasn’t sure what, as long as it wasn’t too challenging. As long as I didn’t have problems to solve, new systems to create. I wasn’t sure where I wanted to be—as long as it wasn’t St Hilda’s College, the scene of my terrifying humiliation. I just knew that if I ever, ever had to return there I’d be dragged back down into that dark and terrifying place, and maybe I’d never manage to scramble out again.
So one day, seized by a rare excess of forward-looking enthusiasm, I sauntered into Natasha’s pristine agency and told her cockily that I could teach music. And despite her obvious disdain she apparently believed me. What’s more, she now seems desperate enough to give me a chance. And I’m desperate enough to take it.
I need to
do something
. I need to be somewhere different, doing something new. Most of all, I need a job. A real job with wages and a contract and a job description, where you have to turn up on time. A job where you need qualifications and actually use them. I need to Do Something Useful. In the real world. Just for once.
Brontë country sounds lovely, on reflection…
About the Author
Katy Swann is in her forties and lives near London, UK with her husband, three children and two cats.
When she isn’t writing about strict, sexy Doms putting their strong-willed subs in their place, she likes to read about them. As well as writing, Katy spends her time trying to avoid the housework, keeping the kids from killing each other and drinking copious cups of coffee in the local coffee shop. Coffee and chocolate are the two things that keep her sane and focused, so they’re often close by when she sits down to write.
To Love and Submit is her first erotic novel, which will be closely followed by To Love and Trust and To Love and Obey, which will complete the Boundaries trilogy.
Email:
[email protected]
Katy loves to hear from readers. You can find her contact information, website and author biography at
http://www.totallybound.com
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Totally Bound Publishing
