To Love (6 page)

The roasted chicken and baby potatoes were ready. Kelsey took Shaun straight to the table.

It had been seven days since they had started dating. Apart from the huge secret she was keeping from him, they really were together. They made love a lot, ate out, and didn't care who knew they were a couple. Tonight she was treating him to dinner, and she planned to tell him he was going to be a father.

As they ate, they talked about Kelsey's cooking course and Shaun's novel, which was almost done. What would become of them when he finished it and went back to the U.S.? Would they have a long-distance relationship? As soon as she told him about the baby, they'd have a lot more to talk about.

"I don't think I've tasted food this delicious in a long time." Shaun pierced his last piece of potato with his fork and lifted it to his mouth.

"You're just trying to flatter me."

"I always say what I mean. Come here." He stood up and pulled her out of her chair. "I want you to do something for me." He kissed her forehead. "Go upstairs, pack a bag, and meet me in front of my truck in fifteen minutes. I'm taking you to Limmery for the weekend. There's a nice hotel I discovered last time I was there."

Kelsey's stomach fluttered. He was acting like a real boyfriend. Asking her to go away with him was a huge step. "You know I can't go away. I have to work."

"All taken care of. Lucy is giving you the weekend off." He grasped her shoulders and turned her to face the doorway. "Now go and get your things."

Kelsey hurried out of the kitchen and up the stairs, giggling like a little girl. A beautiful hotel would be an even better setting for her to break the news.

They didn't leave for Limmery that night as they’d planned. Instead, they ended up making love in Shaun's bed, and afterward they were too lazy to go anywhere. They left on Saturday morning instead.

At the hotel, they dropped off their bags and joined the Heart at Home tour, named after a memoir based in Limmery by Diana McMahon. Kelsey had been looking forward to the day, since she’d read the book. Even though she'd been to Limmery quite a few times, the memoir made her feel as if she had an emotional connection to it.

Shaun was, as always, the perfect person to explore with. As a writer, he caught the moments she missed and helped her observe things through different eyes.

Their guide, a man in his mid-fifties who wore a top hat and carried a worn-out cane, claimed to know the McMahon family personally. As they sliced their way through the cold, he pointed out the different buildings portrayed in the novel. In between talking about Diana's childhood, he sprinkled in the history of Limmery itself.

After the tour drew to a close, they did a little more sightseeing, and then went to have dinner at the Oakroom, an intimate restaurant overlooking well-manicured gardens. The sea glimmered beyond.

The way Shaun gazed into Kelsey's eyes from across the table, the way he held her hand, the way he played with a strand of her hair—she swore she could feel the warmth of her glowing heart. How she had wanted this, wanted him. He had been out of her reach for so long.

And now here they were. Their baby hadn't been planned, but Kelsey knew they would be able to handle it together.

After dinner they took a stroll back to the hotel, hand in hand, peering through lit store windows, talking about nothing in particular. Having him near made her feel complete.

At the hotel, they peeled off each other's clothes. This time they didn’t rush their lovemaking. They took their time exploring each other, teasing, tasting, kissing. And when Shaun finally entered her, all of Kelsey’s problems and fears diffused. She clung on to him as he carried her into another time and place. A place where his past didn't influence their future, a place where the only person in his heart was her.

***

"That was... That was bloody amazing." Shaun kissed Kelsey hard on the lips and turned onto his back, panting. "I haven't felt this alive in a long time."

She looked into his eyes, knowing she had to say something. She needed to know how he really felt. The past few weeks had been better than she’d imagined, and the knot inside her stomach caused by his earlier rejections had completely unraveled. For the sake of the baby, she wanted to take their relationship to the next level. Even though his reaction to the news might hurt her. "I... Shaun, I'm so happy. I want you to know that."

Shaun smiled and dug a hand into her hair until he cupped the back of her head with his hand. He drew her close and kissed her again. They were going to be all right.

"I love you," she said in between kisses. "I love you so much, Shaun. I've never felt this for anyone before."

She rested her head onto his chest and closed her eyes. The time had come for her to tell him what she was hiding from him. A tear slipped down her cheek, one of happiness and relief. Time to tell him. "Shaun, I'm..."

The thundering of his heart beneath her cheek made her pause. It beat faster and faster with each word she spoke. Was it excitement, or was it fear? She lifted her head and gazed at his face. What she saw there made her swallow the word she was about to say. His eyes were frozen marbles, and his jaw was tight. And written all over his face were the words
I'm sorry
.
I'm sorry I’m not able to say it back. I'm sorry I might never get there.

Kelsey felt a shudder of humiliation, and the familiar fear of rejection returned.

Without a word more, she slipped out of bed and locked herself in the bathroom. The bathroom of the beautiful hotel he'd brought her to—fooling her into believing he was ready for a new beginning, ready for her. What she had wanted to hear from him were only words, and maybe she was overreacting, but she couldn't stop herself from being afraid that he might hurt her again, and so deeply that this time she might not recover. She leaned against the basin and laid a hand on her stomach, eyes closed.

Her baby, his baby, was all she had left of him. And she wouldn't tell him about it. Not yet. She didn't want him feeling pressured to love her back. She wasn’t ready to break up with him, but she was hurt, and right now she needed to be alone.

Kelsey walked back into the room wrapped in one of the fluffy hotel robes. He saw that her eyes were red, even if she tried not to look at him.

"I'm going back to Dreara," she said in a chilly voice.

He had well and truly fucked up. Her words had caught him off guard. Not that he hadn't known how she felt. Hearing her say it just made it all the more real. And he felt like an ass for not being able to tell her he loved her too. Instead he’d panicked.

He'd only ever said those words to one woman, and when she died, they were buried with her. The only thing he could say to Kelsey was that he
wanted
to love her. Desperately. But that would just crush her more. And now he was at a loss.

He couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear. Not in words, anyway.

Shaun raked a hand through his hair and got out of bed. He'd booked the hotel until Sunday. He wanted to ask her to stay, but the romantic evening and night together had gone to hell. She was already getting dressed and packing her overnight bag. She wasn’t speaking. Was she waiting for him to ask her not to leave? Or to say those words back to her? He pulled on his jeans and sweater.

"You don't have to come with." Her words were wilted, fragile. "I can take a taxi."

Shaun picked up his bag and took hers from her hand. "I brought you here. I won't let you go back alone." He kissed her on the cheek, wanting to say more. Then he walked out the door.

The ride back to Dreara was long and uncomfortable. Shaun wiped any thoughts of disappointment out of his mind and concentrated on getting them home safely.

Since climbing into the truck, Kelsey hadn't said a word. Her eyes were closed, as if she wanted to shut him out, and her hands rested on her stomach. He wanted to reach out and comfort her, mend the pieces of her heart that he'd broken, but he couldn't. He'd done enough damage. He'd led her to believe he was ready to start an emotional relationship as well as a physical one. But the only thing he'd wanted was not to lose her. He'd thought he was doing the right thing by agreeing to date. Now he realized he should have given it more thought. She wanted it all or nothing.

They arrived in Dreara just as the clock struck eleven p.m.

Kelsey climbed out of the truck and gave him a bitter smile. "Let me know when you know how you really feel about me. What you really want. Make a choice."

She disappeared through her gate and Shaun remained in the truck for an hour, feeling as if he were suffocating. Both choosing and not choosing were equally difficult. If he let go of the past completely and chose Kelsey, he'd be betraying Carmen. And choosing the past would mean losing Kelsey and the hope of a future. He had no fuckin' idea what to do. But she hadn't officially called things off just yet.

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

Two weeks before their pretend anniversary, Shaun asked for a day off. He woke up early and made Carmen breakfast, which she ate in silence, shoulders hunched. Then he gave her some medication and they sat together on the couch, him tapping his foot impatiently, waiting for the doorbell to ring. He tried to make small talk with his wife, who, since the day she’d asked for her "present," had only spoken to him when she absolutely had to. Which was just as well, really. He didn't know what to say. He was too scared she might ask again. Every time she opened her mouth to speak, his stomach clenched. But she didn't bring it up again.

From the outside, she looked like she was coping. She even appeared resigned to living with the pain, which was so intense at times it just about paralyzed her, and when they fought it with medication, it left her weak and defeated, and buried under the covers for hours at a time.

Shaun pretended the only thing standing between them was the blindness. The cancer was not there. Since Carmen had refused any kind of treatment, he knew it would only be a matter of time. But before that happened, he would show her how to live, even if just for a few weeks or months.

But sometimes during the day, when he slowed down, the pain of losing her hit him hard. At those times he disappeared into the nearest room, closed the door, and wept for his wife—her sight, her health, their life. And then he wiped his eyes and returned to her, to help her take the next step forward. Until the pain washed over them again.

The doorbell finally rang and Shaun turned off the radio. Carmen couldn't watch TV, of course, so they listened to the radio a lot. She used to love music. Country music especially. She also had a beautiful, soothing singing voice that reminded him of a freshwater spring. She had loved to sing when going about her daily chores, before everything changed. Shaun missed her voice, her laughter, her will to live.

"Are we expecting a visitor?"

"No, you are." Shaun inhaled and prayed that what he had in mind would give her back a little of what she'd lost, or was about to lose.

He pulled open the door.

"A delivery for Mr. Shaun Brannon," said the man on the doorstep, who was carrying a huge box.

Shaun nodded, signed the papers, and reached for the box. "Thank you."

His heart was in his throat when he closed the door with his elbow.

When he reentered the living room, Carmen lifted her head and turned to face him. She blinked and her unseeing eyes moved from side to side, her mouth parted. "Shaun, who was it? Is it Mom?"

Whenever Shaun was at work and Carmen was not at her class for the blind or meeting her therapist, her mother, who was also a nurse, came to care for her.

"She's not coming today, remember?" Shaun smiled, which was getting harder each day. He lowered the heavy box to the floor. Then he went to the couch and helped Carmen up, guiding her to the package. "I have something for you. Kneel down."

"Here?" she asked, her tone curious. "What are you up to?"

Following the length of his arm for assistance, Carmen lowered herself to the floor and Shaun kneeled as well. He took her arm and pulled her close, smelling her shampoo. He'd helped her wash her hair this morning when they took a shower together. A shower that had ended in Carmen crying when he’d tried, gently, to make love to her.

They hadn't made love since the day of the accident. She said without her sight, she didn't feel sexy. The unexpected flares of pain also stood in the way. But despite yearning for his wife, Shaun didn't want to pressure her.

Shaun took her hands in his and together they lifted the lid.

He moved her unsure hand over the animal's head, and down his neck. But when they reached the back, Carmen froze and pulled her hand away. She tucked it between her thighs and started rocking back and forth. "We discussed this. I don't want a guide dog."

The dog barked as though he was offended, but Carmen turned her head away.

They had talked about it. Carmen had reluctantly accepted the cane, which she only used when she went out, but she refused a guide dog or any additional assistance for the blind—even some really useful electronic gadgets. Getting her to sign up for the class called "How to Live with Blindness" had been a battle. She had only relented after scalding her hand while attempting to make coffee.

Shaun was of the opinion that she still harbored a tiny hope that she might see again one day, and the more help she accepted, the further into the distance that reality drifted. He understood, but he wanted her to be safe. He also didn't want her to live a less-than-fulfilling life, no matter how limited that life might be.

Shaun draped an arm around her shoulders. "I know you said you don’t want a dog. It's just that... This is not an ordinary dog, Carmen. This is Jack. He needs you...us...just as much as we need him. Before being trained as a guide dog, he was abused by the family that owned him. When they wanted to get rid of him, they shot him and stuffed him in a garbage can. Someone found him just in time and took him to a shelter, where he was treated. They said it took years for Jack to heal. But he did." He waited for the words to sink in. "He didn't give up. He's alive. He's strong. And I hope you'll give him a chance. Please, just for a week. If you still don't want him, I'll take him back."

Carmen swallowed and exhaled through her mouth. He had struck a chord. Cruelty to humans or animals made her sick. But for a long time, she didn't say a word. Just sat there, rocking herself. Shaun's hopes started to crumble.

After ten minutes of silence, he sighed and picked up the cover of the box. At that moment, Jack hopped out and went to lay his head on her lap, as if refusing to be sent away.

Carmen hesitated, then removed her hands from between her thighs and felt for the dog's head. She placed a shaking hand between his ears and started stroking him as her eyes stared off at nothing.

That was a start—a great start, Shaun thought. He could work with this. He prayed she would grow attached to Jack and that he would be another reason to live. Maybe he would even erase her plans of wanting to die before her time came.