Authors: Nicole Jordan
Jumping up from her seat, Lily left the parlor, determined to go upstairs and pack so that she could be ready to leave for Chiswick first thing in the morning.
She had just reached the entrance hall when she encountered Fleur and Chantel as they arrived home from their shopping expedition. Despite the courtesans' entreaties to join them for tea and help them to entertain Lord Poole, Lily politely declined rather than endure their blithe cheerfulness.
To her dismay, however, she made little progress on her vow to dismiss Heath or her heartache from her mind while she was packing.
Then a short while later, Basil startled her by rapping hard on her open bedchamber door and stalking into the room without even waiting for her to bid him entrance.
“Women! I will never understand them!” he exclaimed, flinging himself into the single chair.
“What is wrong?” Lily asked, a little disquieted by his vehemence and his appearance as well. Basil looked rather pitiful, with his face swollen and bruised and his left eye turning a vivid collage of black and purple. His scowl made the effect worse.
“Fanny!
She
is what is wrong. She is damned wrongheaded, not to mention stubborn and foolish.”
“What has she done?” Lily asked in puzzlement.
“She paid me a call at workâto check on my injuries, she said. But in fact it was to explain. She wanted to tell me herself before I heard it from someone else.”
“Heard what, Basil? Will you cease this roundaboutation before I throttle you?”
Lily's threat seemed to capture his attention, for he slumped over in his seat while clutching his hair as if wanting to pull it out by the roots.
“Fanny agreed to withdraw the charges against O'Rourke if he would return the thirty thousand pounds to Lord Poole and the ten thousand Fanny paid him at the start, plus give Fleur and Chantel another twenty thousand pounds to provide them security in their old age.”
Lily stared at him, wondering if she had heard correctly. “Do you mean O'Rourke is
not
going to prison for abducting her and holding her prisoner for the better part of an afternoon?”
“That is exactly what I mean!” Basil grumbled. “That bastard will be set free tomorrow. Claybourne arranged for his release this afternoon.”
“He just let O'Rourke
go
?” Lily repeated in disbelief.
“Yes! Fanny talked Claybourne into it. She wrapped him around her little finger, the way she does every other poor sod of her acquaintance.”
“But O'Rourke threatened her life! And his servants nearly killed Lord Claybourne!”
“I know that! But she has conveniently dismissed O'Rourke's villainy. She claims he has learned his lesson. And he has sworn to provide financially for Fleur and Chantel. If you ask me, I think Fanny elected leniency because she loves that bastard. There is no other excuse for her madness.”
The disgust in Basil's voice couldn't hide the underlying bitterness. He was greatly upset, Lily knew. Even more because he was envious of O'Rourke than because he wanted to see the gaming hell owner pay for his crimes.
Lily understood the deep hurt Basil felt. She might not have two weeks ago, but she did now. She'd gained a newfound sensitivity over the past fortnight, because her recent love affair with Heath had made her much more sympathetic to the trials and tribulations of lovers.
“I am very sorry Fanny set O'Rourke free, Basil,” Lily said in a calmer tone. “But I don't believe it is because she loves him.”
“Then
why
?” The question was a plea for understanding, and his tone held an edge of anguish, although Lily knew Basil would be embarrassed if she took note of it.
“My guess is that she earnestly wants to provide for her friends. Twenty thousand pounds is a significant fortune. If Fleur and Chantel are the least frugal, they will be set for life. And Fanny will no longer need to worry for their welfare. Instead, she can see to her own.”
“How is her welfare made better by championing that villain?” Basil's hands clutched harder in his hair before he shook his head furiously. “Blast it all, I have had enough! I can't bear to watch her any longer.”
“What do you mean to do, Basil?” Lily asked warily.
“I will return to Hampshire as soon as I can arrange it. I'll give notice to my firm tomorrow.”
Lily hesitated a long moment. “You would leave London right now?”
“Yes!” he practically hissed. “I cannot stay here any longer. It is
stupid
to torment myself this way. I can never have Fanny. I have to accept that.”
“You love her.”
The glance he shot Lily was full of misery. “Yes, fool that I am. I have loved her for years. Why do you think I followed her here to London? I wanted to be certain she was safe and happy. I wanted just to be near her. But I can't bear sharing her with other men.”
Seeing his anguish, Lily softened her tone even more. “I don't think you should give up, Basil.”
“Why not? What would be the point of remaining?”
“Because I know Fanny is extremely fond of you.”
Basil continued to scowl while shaking his head. “Any feelings she has for me are brotherly, just as yours are. She doesn't love me as a man. And she wouldn't wed me if she
did
love me.”
“Basil, believe me, Fanny's feelings toward you are
far
from brotherly. I am absolutely sure of it.”
His gaze arrested on Lily. “They are?”
“Most definitely. She told me so herself last week. And that was
before
you risked life and limb to rescue her. I have no doubt that your heroism helped to melt her heart even more.”
“Do you truly think so?” he asked as if not daring to believe.
“Indeed I do,” Lily replied. “Fanny hasn't seen this valiant side of you until today, as I have. But now she knows that you have hidden depths that any woman would admire.”
That gave Basil pause. “I suppose I do have a hidden depth or two.”
Lily smiled at the surprise in his tone. “Of course you do. And I suspect her concerns about matrimony are based more on practical matters. Fanny thinks she cannot afford to marry you. She doesn't know how she would earn a living. But if she no longer has to support her friends because of O'Rourke's settlement, then she can curtail her expenses significantly. And she has her savings back now, thanks to her bargain with O'Rourke. If you could find employment that provides a higher incomeâ¦Well, then, a marriage between you is not beyond the realm of possibility.”
When a fragile hope shone in his eyes, Lily pressed harder. “So you see, if you leave now, Basil, you will never know what might have been between you and Fanny. You must stay awhile longer, no matter how painful it is at the moment.”
His clutching fingers releasing his hair, Basil slowly nodded. “I think you may be right.”
“I know I am right about this,” Lily insisted.
Basil sank back in his chair, deep in thought. Then suddenly he took notice of the valise Lily had laid out on the bed and the neat piles of clothing that were stacked beside it.
His brow furrowing, he glanced back up at her. “Why the devil are you packing?”
The question made Lily recall her own troubles, but she tried to keep the despair from her voice when she replied. “I am returning to Chiswick in the morning. I plan to live with Tess for a while.”
“You are leaving London?”
Lily shrugged as she went back to folding the last of her gowns. “Why not? I have done everything I came here to do and more. I will be perfectly content to leave.”
Which was a blatant falsehood. She was immeasurably happy that things had worked out so well for her friends, but otherwise she was perfectly miserable.
“You just told me
I
could not leave,” Basil said slowly. “I think perhaps you should take your own advice.”
Lily couldn't meet his gaze as the ache in her throat returned. “The two circumstances are very different.”
She felt Basil eying her. “Are they, Lily? I think our circumstances are closer than you are willing to admit.”
Turning, she sank down onto the bed. It was true, she thought bleakly. She had insisted that Basil needed to remain in London, and so did she.
She couldn't leave Heath. She couldn't bear to just walk away.
She bit her trembling lower lip as she stared down at the carpet.
When she remained silent, Basil's tone became more insistent. “What
are
your feelings for Claybourne, Lily?”
Her feelings? How did she answer that complex question? Her feelings for Heath wereâ¦complicated. Intense. Confused. Overwhelming. And in the end, so very simple.
“Come now, you made
me
bare my soul.”
She nodded faintly. Basil was one of her oldest, dearest friends, and she wouldn't try to deceive him, even if she had been doing the same to herself for quite some time. But she couldn't fool herself any longer.
She loved Heath.
She was dreadfully, desperately, painfully in love with him.
Sometime in the past fortnight, the walls she had so determinedly built to protect herself had tumbled down, leaving her vulnerable and defenseless to his passionate enchantment.
She had fallen in love with her determined suitor.
The expression on her face must have satisfied Basil, for he softened his tone. “If you love him, will you accept his marriage proposal then?”
Her fingers clenched on the gown she held. “I never thought I would marry,” she murmured hoarsely.
A week ago she had been afraid to give herself to Heath in marriage, afraid to make the irrevocable commitment that would bind her to him for life.
“Not all men are brutes like your father was,” Basil said quietly.
Lily lifted her head, searching his sympathetic eyes. Basil understood her greatest fears. He had been the one to keep her company when she hid out in the stables during her parents' battles, or rode hell for leather across the countryside in an effort to forget. He had been the one to console her when she'd threatened to kill her own father for his brutality toward her mother.
“I know that,” Lily said shakily.
“Claybourne is not like O'Rourke, either, even if he does know how to use his fists.”
That was also true. Heath was no brute. He was a strong man who used his might carefully and wisely, and only when necessary.
And sometimes violence
was
necessary, Lily thought, remembering the satisfaction she'd felt yesterday when she'd felled O'Rourke to prevent him from taking Fanny. She would have liked to do the same to her father all those years ago when he was beating her motherâ¦.
“So what are you worried about?” Basil asked. “Claybourne isn't the kind of man to hurt women, and you know it.”
She did indeed know it, Lily admitted. Heath would never physically hurt her. Heath, who had been so tender and passionate with her. So protective, so generous.
But what about emotionally? What if she married him? He would own her completely then, heart and soul and body.
Basil, however, still was fixed on the physical threat a husband might present. “You can damn well hold your own with any man, Lily, you know very well.” His half-hearted smile was self-deprecating. “Unlike me. You are no weakling.”
Lily tore herself from her own reflections in order to protest. “Basil, you are certainly no weakling. Claybourne has had years of training in swordsmanship and fisticuffs.”
Basil nodded reluctantly. “I know. He fences at Angelo's salle and strips with Gentleman Jackson.”
“Yes. And you have not had the luxury of a nobleman's life of leisure, as he has. Besides, you ride nearly as well as he does, and your mind is every bit as sharp.”
Basil looked rather pleased by her observation. “So is yours, Lily. You are a match for him in so many ways.”
Lily looked away. “I am not denying that.”
“Then what is stopping you from wedding him? He would make a good husband for you.”
She couldn't deny that, either.
“Are you afraid he doesn't return your sentiments?”
Lily swallowed. “Yes, I am afraid. Heath said he loved me, but what if he doesn't truly mean it? Even ardent declarations of love from a man can prove false. Have you forgotten Arabella's first fickle suitor, Viscount Underwood?”
“Claybourne is nothing like that sorry weasel,” Basil said dismissively. “And I doubt he would say he loved you if he didn't mean it.” Basil paused. “Do you
want
him to love you, Lily?”
“More than anything,” she said softly.
She had told herself she only wanted Heath's passion, but she wanted his love. So much that it hurt. Lily felt a stab of longing so fierce that she pressed her hand to her stomach to ease the pain.
At her silence, Basil shrugged and rose to his feet. “Well, Lily, only you can conquer your fears.
You
have to decide if the risk of marrying Claybourne is worth the gain.”
He left her to her tumultuous thoughts then. Alone in her bedchamber once more, Lily found herself staring blindly out the window.
Could she summon the courage to trust Heath that completely?
On the other hand, did she truly have any choice? Even if being married to him might lead to pain, being without him would be infinitely worse.
Since their parting yesterday, she had felt more alone than she'd ever felt in her life. She already missed him so much that she ached with it.
She knew Heath was right on that score at least: spinsterhood would be cold comfort. She didn't want to be alone and lonely for the rest of her life. Empty. The way she felt now.
There were also numerous other reasons to accept Heath's proposal, Lily reminded herself. Most of which he had already argued with her before.
Unless they married, they could never have the intimacy she craved. They would be compelled to keep to the shadows, stealing a few precious hours now and then to be together. They could never have children, a family.