Chapter 32
“You look like hell,” Andrew said, coming to take a seat next to Benjamin for their parliament session.
Benjamin scowled. “Since my understanding of hell is a large mass of all consuming fire, I can hardly believe I look that way,” he retorted coldly.
Andrew whistled. “Relax. It’s just an expression.”
“So is bugger off,” he countered with a steely stare.
“Touché,” Andrew said with a grin.
Benjamin crossed his arms. “What do you want, Andrew?”
Andrew grinned. “My, my, but I remember several conversations that started this way, Benjamin. Only the dialogue was reversed.”
Benjamin flicked his wrist. “Perhaps if you’d taken care of business we wouldn’t be having
this
conversation just now.”
Andrew’s smile vanished. “I, for one, am rather glad things worked out the way they did. And I think if you’d get past your own pride, you’d be happy, too.”
“Well, I’m glad things worked out well for you,” Benjamin offhandedly. Would the man take the hint and go away?
“As I said, they’d work well for you if you’d let go of whatever is holding you back.”
Benjamin broke eye contact. It all sounded so simple. But it wasn’t. The idea of sharing his wife with another man wasn’t an easy tonic to swallow. Sure Andrew was right and they could be content together sharing a bed and having a family. But knowing he’d never have her heart was more than he could bear. Especially knowing exactly who held it. “It’s not that simple,” he said quietly. “There’s more to the story than you know.”
“I’m sure you’re correct,” Andrew conceded. “Although I have a feeling I’ll know more of it tonight.”
His eyes snapped to Andrew’s. “Just what do you mean by that?”
Andrew shrugged. “I saw Madison this morning on my way out the door.”
Benjamin stiffened. “Why was she at your house?”
“Brooke summoned her,” Andrew said, shaking his head ruefully. “Don’t feel bad. Brooke does this to everyone. You wouldn’t believe the things I know about Paul and Liberty’s relationship,” he shuddered, “or the things I’ve been asked to do on their behalf.”
“Wonderful. Are you saying this is an occurrence I can look forward to for the rest of my life,” Benjamin muttered. Why did families have to involve themselves in everyone’s business? Perhaps in this one respect he was better off without one.
“You can count on it,” Andrew said earnestly.
“Is that what you wanted?”
“You mean to warn you about my wife’s tendency to ferret information out of her sisters better than a spy? No. I wanted to tell you something that is actually rather hard for me to say to you.” He shifted in his seat and ran a hand through his black hair. “I know we’ve had our differences, but I’m not opposed to the match. I think you two suit each other very well and I hope things work out.”
“Thank you,” Benjamin said graciously.
The session ended and Benjamin took his time about going home. He’d taken to eating his meals by himself in his study where he could stare at a book and wonder when his life had gone down the privy.
Like Andrew, he hoped things worked out, but between her lack of faith in him and his craving to possess her heart and soul, he doubted things would resolve in a way that would be pleasing to them both. As it was, their current situation wasn’t pleasing to either of them.
Benjamin walked inside and gave his hat to Todd and walked to his study, catching a glimpse of Madison in the drawing room as he went. Once in his study, he slammed the door and cursed his traitorous eyes for looking her up and down so thoroughly. One thing was about it, she was still as beautiful as she’d always been. His heart squeezed. He wanted her. It was undeniable. It was insane.
What was more insane was she hadn’t seemed put off one iota by his attempts to keep her at arm’s distance. Instead of leaving like he thought she might do, she’d greet him with a smile and try to engage him in conversation, no matter how rudely he acted as a means to escape.
He sank into his chair. Would it be so bad to have only part of her, he wondered as he flipped through his book. He found the page he wanted and pulled out a blank piece of paper and dipped his quill into an inkpot. His lips twisted into a doubtful sneer and he squeezed his quill with just enough pressure to make it bend but not snap. It wouldn’t work to only have half of her. If he couldn’t have all of her, there was no point.
***
Madison’s hands shook as she carried the dinner tray she’d ordered to have delivered to her room down to Benjamin’s study. She’d fibbed to Cook about Benjamin’s dinner plans and asked her not to deliver his meal to his study.
Lottie walked next to her, shaking her head and mumbling under her breath about working in a madhouse. At the door to Benjamin’s study, Lottie knocked and together they waited for him to shout for her to enter.
Taking a deep breath, Madison nodded for Lottie to open the door and slipped in as quietly as she could with all the silver clinging and clanging together on top of the tray.
“Just set it down by the door,” Benjamin muttered without looking up from his desk.
Madison put the tray on the table that was by the door and quickly slipped off her dressing robe, leaving her clad in a transparent red knee-length number that swooped dangerously low in the front, had twin slits from her knees to her hips and was trimmed with black lace.
“You’re dismissed,” he mumbled after a minute, still not dragging his eyes from his work.
She realized the door was still open, and using her foot, she gave it a kick that sent it slamming to the doorjamb.
He didn’t react. He didn’t look up. He didn’t curse. He didn’t even jump. He just sat motionless, clutching his quill and staring down at his precious paper.
She wondered if he knew it was her. Perhaps that was why he didn’t react. She was not going to be so easily put off. She’d had more than her share of stare downs with Jamison. She could stand here all night if she had to.
A fire blazed in the hearth not ten feet away from her, warming the whole room. No candles were lit except the five candle candelabra on Benjamin’s desk.
Her eyes studied him as he sat. His body looked rigid and uncomfortable. His fingers held the quill an inch of the paper, poised and ready to write. His eyes, which she couldn’t actually see, were trained on the paper in front of him. It was hard to tell, but it didn’t look like they were moving. His unshaven jaw was clenched and his mouth formed a tight line.
She had no idea how long she stood there staring at him. An hour. Perhaps two. Maybe even three. She didn’t know and it really didn’t matter. She’d stand there all night if that’s what it took.
Finally, when the fire was almost too dim to see and the wax candles on his desk had melted to little pools of wax that threatened to put the flame out, Benjamin sighed, threw his quill down and ran a hand through his unkempt hair. He leaned forward and quickly blew out the four candles that were still barely lit on his desk, then stood up to walk to the fire and froze.
“What do you want?” he barked.
“You,” she whispered. Now that the moment had come at last, her voice was failing her.
He snarled. “You’re wasting your time. Go up to bed.” His voice was harsh and cold, causing a lump of panic to form in her chest. He really might not want her anymore.
Steeling her spine and walking his direction. “No,” she said, shaking her head defiantly. “I listened to your tirade the other day. Now you'll hear me out.”
He scoffed and tried to walk past her.
She brought her hands up to his chest. “Stop, Benjamin. Just listen to me.”
He brought his hands to her wrists to pull them off and she flipped her hands around to grab his hands right before his fingers encircled her wrist.
Holding both of his hands palm to palm, she squeezed her fingers around his as tightly as she could. “Please, just let me tell you something. After I finish I’ll do whatever you want. Even leave if you ask it of me.” That was the most difficult thing she’d ever said in her life. Panic gripped her when she realized that statement was nowhere near as difficult as what she was about to say to him.
“Fine,” he said, pulling his hands away from hers and crossing his arms defensively. His face was unreadable and if she had to guess, she’d say he’d already made his decision and was only listening to her as a formality.
She swallowed. “I never planned to send that letter. I don’t love Andrew, I love you.”
He ground his teeth. “That’s not good enough,” he ground out. “You may leave tomorrow.”
“No,” she yelled almost hysterically. “I wasn’t finished. I wasn’t near finished.” She took a deep breath and willed herself to stay calm. “As I’ve already admitted, I fancied myself in love with your alter-ego, Leo. But when Robbie lied to me about your dishonorable intentions, my heart was crushed. For goodness’ sake, I had been so far gone I was planning the wedding and drawing pictures of us dancing together.” She shook her head and tried to swallow the emotion that had formed in her throat.
“After that, I was afraid to trust my heart with anyone again, including myself. I’ll admit when I was a young girl I spun daydreams of marriage to Robbie, but it wasn’t until I met you that I knew the difference between infatuation and love. It had only been infatuation I’d felt for Robbie. But after he told me you were only using me, I convinced myself I could settle for making a match with Robbie. He was the safe choice. If my heart wasn’t involved, I wouldn’t get hurt.” Her voice turned bitter and her heart squeezed in the painful way it had for the past year and a half when she thought of Robbie.
“But I was wrong,” she said quietly. “The idea of Leo’s cold rejection of me was nothing compared to the hurt Robbie caused.” She took a deep breath. “When I came here, it wasn’t for the reason you think,” she whispered, shifting her line of vision from his eyes to his shoulders. “As you know, a few months earlier I’d given my virtue to Robbie in hopes of marriage. And contrary to his insistence, his seed took root and I conceived.” She swallowed a sob that caught in her throat and closed her eyes to stop the flow of tears she was almost certain were about to leak.
“I went to him and he denied his participation. My father spoke to his father, and he refused to get involved. Without many options left to me, I ended the courtship, watched him marry a girl he barely knew and with the support of my parents and Brooke, decided I’d keep the child even if it branded me a whore and him a bastard.” She swallowed hard and rubbed her eyes with her fingertips.
Taking a deep, uncomfortable breath, she continued, “But then in early March, when I was little more than three months along, I was leaving a friend’s house and ran into Robbie’s wife. In front of the little group that was standing there, she made several indirect but obvious remarks about my condition. I was so flustered because the only people I’d told were my parents, Brooke and Robbie. Even Liberty didn’t know at the time, and I still don’t know if she does or not. She probably does now since Papa used to be such good friends with Paul before they married.” She closed her eyes and shook her head again. Now wasn’t the time for getting sidetracked.
“Anyway, I was so upset by her words, I literally ran out of the house and to the front steps.” Her voice broke and she swallowed convulsively to find her voice again. “It was early March and we’d had an ice storm a few days before. In my hurry, I didn’t grab the handrail and slipped on an ice patch that was on the first stair then fell down the rest.” The dam that was straining to hold her emotions in check broke and she could no longer hold back the tears that spilled or the sobs that wracked her body. “That’s why we came. I wasn’t melancholy over the loss of blasted Robbie but because I’d miscarried.”
She felt her knees buckle and would have collapsed to the floor if Benjamin’s strong hands hadn’t come around her upper arms and brought her against his hard chest. He murmured something she didn’t understand against her ear as her body shook with emotion.
“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I’m sorry, Ben.” She really didn’t know why specifically she was apologizing. So many possibilities flooded her mind that she’d just let him pick one.
His arms circled her and he ran his big hands up and down her back while his cheek rested on the crown of her head.
“Ben,” she said, pushing away from his chest a bit. She brought her eyes up to look at his. It was too dark for her to see well enough to read his expression. “The reason I’m so close to Andrew is
because
he’s in love with my sister. From the day he first showed up at our house it was in his eyes. He never offered me more than a courtesy glance.” She swallowed and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “He was the first man I’d ever met that was only interested in friendship with me. Ever since I’d trusted my heart to Leo and had it handed back to me, I’ve been afraid to trust any man with anything more than my handkerchief.”
“Including me,” he said raggedly.
“Yes,” she whispered. “Including you.” She swallowed again and pulled his arms off of her. She stepped back to look at him. “Benjamin, I’m sorry I’ve been so closed off to you. It was never my intention to make you think you weren’t good enough. You are. You’re better than I deserve. I was just skeptical of you like I was of all other men who just seemed to see a pretty face.”
“I—”
She shook her head and put her finger to his lips. “I know now that you don’t see me that way. I started to see it at Rockhurst when you wanted me to draw our feet and taught me to swim. Then you willingly let me go about my activities without a snide remark about how a person of my beauty or position doesn’t need to sew for the needy or teach a group of illiterate bastards to read. You’ve continued to prove it with the painting materials and even when I wore the same dress every day for nearly a fortnight, you didn’t seem to lose interest in me like others would have done.”
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I know you do,” she said with a sweet smile. “And I love you, too. I want to give you full possession of my heart,” she whispered, pulling his hand up to her chest and resting his palm over her rapidly beating heart. “But only if I can have yours in return.”