Today & Tomorrow (12 page)

“Nolan! Wake up! Wake up! Santa came!” Loki grabbed his shoulder and shook.

He groaned and opened his eyes. “Okay, okay, guy.” He put his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I thought you didn’t want presents this year.”

“I didn’t! I asked Santa for you to come home and you did. And I still got presents! You did, too! Come see, come see! And Mom is making eggs and the biscuits that come in a tube! I
love
those!”

“I know you do. Me, too. Okay, okay. Gimme a minute. I have to pee.”

“Okay, but pee fast. I got a bicycle!”

“If you already know, why do I have to rush?”

“Because there’s
more
! Hurry!”

Loki ran out of the room, leaving the door wide open. Nolan sat up and reached on the floor for his boxers. He’d grown accustomed to sleeping naked, and now the feel of any clothing bugged him too much to sleep. He peered out the open door and made sure the coast was clear, and then he stood and yanked his underwear on.

Nolan normally lived at the clubhouse, but he hadn’t been much in the mood for that atmosphere, so, these past two and a half weeks, since he and Double A had rolled back into Signal Bend, he’d spent most nights here in his old room. Last night had been the club Christmas party, though, and he’d been there late, drinking. After a while, he’d been drinking alone. All the married men had gone home, and all the singles had paired—or tripled—up. Nolan wasn’t in the mood.

His head knew someday he would be, he had the experience to know that all grief eventually stepped back and let life get lived, but his heart didn’t believe that that was true. His heart was full of Analisa.

When he’d realized that he was sitting alone in the clubhouse, he’d ridden to his mom’s house—his head a little foggier than he usually liked to ride with, but he’d made it fine. And then he’d built that bike Loki was so excited about. He’d promised his mom that he would.

And, it turned out, he was a man who kept his promises.

~oOo~

Nolan sat on the sofa while Loki dug the presents out from under the tree, reading each tag aloud and building three piles, one each for him, Nolan, and their mom. Loki’s pile was by far the biggest, which he announced every time he put a new present on it.

He’d been willing to forgo presents to get his brother back, but now that Nolan was here, obviously Loki wasn’t averse to hauling in some loot.

Their dog, Thor, a massive blond beast, sat at Loki’s side, watching the goings-on with interest. When Loki sat what was clearly a huge bone wrapped in red paper next to him, he snuffled at it with passion, but didn’t tear at it. He wouldn’t until he had permission.

Their mom walked in with two steaming mugs and handed one to Nolan.

“Thanks.” He took a sip of coffee—she wasn’t much of a cook, but she made great coffee.

She sat next to him. “You’re welcome.” Looking at him, she cocked her head. “What’s that?”

She reached toward him and lifted the silver star off his chest. He’d taken it from the small chain, which hadn’t gone around his neck, and strung the star on a leather cord. But he kept it under his clothes, against his skin. No one had seen it. Only Double A even knew it existed, and Nolan wasn’t sure how much about it even he knew.

Hurrying to get out here and silence Loki, who had started shouting for him while he was still mid-stream at the toilet, Nolan had merely yanked on jeans and the nearest shirt—the button-up one he’d worn the night before—over his beater and boxers and come out for presents. He hadn’t thought about the star being exposed.

He took it from his mom and stuck it under his beater.

“It’s beautiful. Pretty fancy for you.” The star was covered in tiny diamonds. “Was it hers?”

Nolan had been disappointed in his mother’s reaction to his story about Analisa. She’d tried to be supportive, but she’d been angry and unable to conceal it—angry that, after everything he’d already been through, he’d opened himself for that pain. And angry that he’d set her and Loki aside to do it.

Since that first attempt to talk to her, he’d kept Analisa to himself.

“Yeah. Her dad gave it to me before I left.”

They stared at each other for a second, and then her eyes shifted to his chest. “Oh, kiddo.”

“Mom, don’t.”

She opened her mouth to reply, but at that moment, Loki announced, “The piles are done! Mom, it’s time to open!”

So Nolan buttoned his shirt and had Christmas morning with his family.

~oOo~

They went to Show and Shannon’s for Christmas dinner. Just as he had spent Thanksgiving in a full house of family, with Analisa, her family, and the SoCal Horde, he spent Christmas dinner in similar chaos. Show and Shannon and their kids, Joey and Millie. Show’s older daughters, Rose and Iris were there, too, and Rose had brought her boyfriend, Tony, along. Lilli was there with Gia and Bo. Badger, Adrienne, Henry, and little Megan—who’d hadn’t even been walking yet when he’d left and was now almost two and tearing after the Ryans’ dog, Max. Adrienne was visibly pregnant again. A lot had changed in the year he’d been gone.

What hadn’t changed was that Isaac and Len were still away—now separated from each other, each farther away than ever, and with more time to serve. Tasha was in Colorado, hoping to see Len for the first time in months.

And Havoc was still dead. That would never change.

But now Analisa would live in that place in Nolan’s head and heart. The place of memory and longing. That was new.

As much as he loved the vibrant confusion of a family holiday, by the time dinner was over and the ritual making-room-for-dessert rest period was underway, Nolan felt overfull of more than good food and beer.

There was too much noise, too much laughter, too much happiness. It made him lonely.

He thought about calling California, but he knew the Winters were not having a day like this, and he felt guilty.

And he didn’t think he’d ever talk to Donovan and Tristan again. He’d been a part of Analisa’s life, not of theirs.

Seeking a moment of solitude, where he could sit and remember, Nolan went out onto the Ryans’ back porch. He surprised Lilli, who was sitting on the top step in her down jacket, staring out into the yard. After a beat, she looked over her shoulder.

“Hey, Nolan.”

“Hey. Sorry—I was looking for some quiet.”

She smiled. “Me, too. The happy’s got me down today. Always does on days like this. It’s worse than ever right now.”

Holidays spent away from the one she loved. He felt guilty and unworthy of thinking he understood. He’d only known Analisa since August, and Isaac and Lilli had been in love for years, and she hadn’t been able to see him since the summer.

But he thought he did understand, a little. And Isaac was coming home. Someday. In that way, Lilli had it better than Nolan. Or his mom.

“I’ll leave you be.”

“No, it’s okay. I should go check on Bo, anyway. He gets overwhelmed in all this.”

She stood up and headed back toward the door, stopping to squeeze his arm. “I’m glad you’re back, Nolan. Cory and Loki really missed you. We all did.”

Without a decent reply, he only nodded.

Alone on the porch, he sat where Lilli had been and thought about Analisa—just let snapshots of memories flip through his head, some passing by in a glimpse, others settling long enough to be relived.

He didn’t notice that his mother had come out until she sat next to him on the step. “Tell me about her.”

He didn’t want to. He’d tried, and she hadn’t wanted to hear it, and now he wasn’t ready to share Analisa with anyone. “She was…perfect. Just perfect.” Turning and leaning his chin on his shoulder, he said, “That’s all I want to say about her for now.”

“And you loved her.”

“I still do.” He sighed. “I didn’t mean to, Mom. I’m not a masochist. I was just helping her. But she was the kind of girl you can’t help but love, I guess. Even if you don’t want to.”

She laughed and put her arm around him. “That was Hav, too. I doubt they were much alike, but in that I guess they were. I’m sorry, kiddo. I never wanted you to feel that kind of pain. You’ve had enough to deal with already. You grew up so damn fast.”

“I’m not sorry. Not even a little. It hurts so bad, but I’m lucky I got to love her. And she loved me. She really did.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“Well, I was. You know, when I met her, I was wondering if I was turning into a monster. Some of the things I did in Madrone—I felt like I should have felt more about it. Like something was wrong with me that I could do some of the things I had to do and be okay with it.”

His mother leaned back and looked hard at him.

“Don’t, Mom. I wanted to be there.” He looked down at his ring, running the pad of his thumb over the raised ‘H.’ “Hav was a warrior. I wanted a chance to prove that I had that strength. I wasn’t gonna get it here, not the way Signal Bend is now. It’s good—things are the way they should be here. But I didn’t feel like I deserved to be Hav’s legacy unless I’d lived a life like his, even for a little while. Hav was a good man, even though he did some things most people wouldn’t think of as good. I needed to know I could be that, too.

“For months, though, all I felt was…nothing. No fear, no guilt, nothing. I thought maybe I was broken. But now I know I’m not. I know that I can do what needs to be done, no matter what it is, and I know I can come home and love and be loved. I can be tough and good, both. I needed to know that. I couldn’t come home until I did.”

“I could have told you that you were both of those things.”

“Mom. Come on. You know that’s not what I needed. I love Analisa. I took care of her. And she loved me. She saw the good in me. She let me see it, too. So”—he rubbed his chest, and when his hand grazed the pendant under his shirt, he grabbed it and held on—“I’m glad that I hurt. Can you understand?”

His mom’s eyes were full of tears. She sniffed and put her hand over the fist he had pressed to his chest. “I can. I love you, kiddo. You are an old soul.” He chuckled sadly, and his mom’s brow creased. “What?”

“Ani said the same thing. She said her mom told her she was an old soul and that she never really understood it until she met me.”

His mom smiled and put her arm around him again. “Well, then, she was a smart girl. And special enough to win your heart. I wish I’d had a chance to know her.”

“Me, too.”

~oOo~

Toward the end of January, Nolan sat on the bed in his clubhouse dorm room with his tablet and checked his email. He found a message from Tristan. They’d had no contact since the funeral. The subject read, simply, ‘Analisa.’

Feeling anxious, he clicked.

Hey.

I promised Analisa that I’d cut her movie together. It took me a while to face this. I had to get through Christmas, and then I still couldn’t deal. But I finally sacked up, and I finished it today. She never said what she wanted to do with it, but I think it’s pretty amazing. I might put it up online. Or maybe I’ll talk to Dad and see what he thinks. I’m not sure he’s ready to see it yet, though.

I want you to see it before I make a decision about what to do. You’re in almost all of the later stuff. She was making this thing for years.

If you can, take a look.