Tome of Bill (Companion): Shining Fury (22 page)

Tears began to blur my vision. Rather than let him see me like that, I simply nodded and began to walk away.

“But what about when it’s over?”

What?

I wanted to turn and run back to him, to let him know that I would try my damnedest to master this beast inside of me, just as he’d mastered his. But then I remembered what had disturbed me most upon learning that The Destroyer was dead by another hand. Damn me! “I don’t know, Bill. We might have bigger problems than our powers.”

“What?”

“Fate.”

“I told you not to use the...”

“I know, but I can’t help myself.”

“Okay, fine. So what’s the issue?”

Wasn’t it obvious? Was he just toying with me? “The Destroyer is dead.”

“Trust me, I’m aware. I was there.”

I blinked away the tears and, once I was sure they were gone, turned back toward him with a false sense of serenity. “What was it like, facing him?”

To my surprise, he actually laughed. “You really don’t want to know.”

I wasn’t sure if he was goading me or not. My insecurity told me yes, but I’d never known Bill to be cruelly petty. “Fair enough. You did good, though. I’m proud of you.” I meant it, too.

“Thanks, but I can’t help but hear the
but
in your voice.”

My God, he wanted me to say it, didn’t he?

I turned, unable to face him anymore, and forced my legs to continue walking. “You’re the last Freewill again, and I think we both know how that’s supposed to end between us.”

* * *

I didn’t get very far. Mentally, at least.

After delivering the information to the trio of witches, my plan had been to assist the Templar in whatever way necessary to retrieve their lost members and prepare to send them home.

Instead, I found myself pacing back and forth for over an hour in a room that shared more than a passing resemblance to a mundane employee lounge.

The warrior in me had pushed to the forefront of my subconscious again, but this time there wasn’t an urge to destroy, just a disgust at the weakness I’d shown. I was the Icon, for Christ’s sake. My power was based on my belief in myself. What a joke.

As if in answer to this, my hand brushed against the pommel of my sheathed sword and for a moment the weapon vibrated, as if unsure it wanted my touch.

Finally, after much internal debate, I realized I couldn’t leave things as they were. Fate may have put Bill and me on a collision course, but that didn’t mean I needed to accept it lying down. Lots could happen between now and then. The end could be a day from now, a month, or years away. Did I really want to live my life with such indecision until then?

Even if he rejected me outright, at least then I’d have my answer. We could still stand together against Calibra. Hell, if that were the case, maybe it would allow me to focus more properly on the task ahead.

My mind made up, I marched back down to the Prefect’s level, where he’d been headed. Being that I hadn’t heard from any of them since, I decided to check there first. Maybe they’d found something of interest that had kept them busy.

One of the double doors leading into the space had been torn off the hinges, no doubt to make passage in and out easier. Definitely done by someone with supernatural strength. Maybe Sally. A sting of jealousy hit my gut, enough to cause even the warrior inside of me to back up a step.

At the sound of voices, I slowed my pace. Bill was definitely in there, but he wasn’t alone.

Almost unaware I was doing so, I stopped just inside the door. A massive pile of rubble lay close by, enough to conceal me from the rest of the room. Any closer and they’d surely sense me, and suddenly I didn’t want that.

Despite my desire to be in their circle, I wasn’t. I didn’t deserve it. All of them, even those without powers, had followed Bill and faced the devil that needed to be dealt with. All of them save me. Thanks to my selfishness, fear, and subsequent sloth, he’d ended up facing The Destroyer alone, a suicide mission if ever there was one.

But it hadn’t been. In the end, he hadn’t needed me. As for our distraction tactic, it was hard to say if we’d made any difference at all.

How arrogant to assume any of them, least of all him, wanted me there now.

The point was further driven home listening to the easy conversation that ensued. There was none of the hesitation in his voice now. He sounded confident, not a trace of the guarded tone he’d taken with me.

All at once they stopped talking. For a moment, I assumed they’d noticed me. I’d have to make up some pathetic lie about just wandering by and checking on them. In a whole life full of excuses, what was one more?

Instead, I heard a murmur in my mind, low at first. I wasn’t sure as to what was happening, but then the voice of Harry Decker became loud and clear in my head. Why were they searching for him? Had they lost his skull in the fallout?

More importantly, why did Christy sound angry?

Heated words were shared, something about
The Source
. I had no idea what they were talking about, but then I remembered another Templar myth from their archives ... something about a wellspring from which all infernal power flowed into this world, basically their version of the Gates of Hell. I’d come to distrust their rigid dogma, but – judging from the conversation playing out a dozen yards away – it seemed as if that’s what they were actually talking about.

And that’s when I heard them utter the phrase “The White Mother.” I’d heard her mentioned before in passing. She was the legendary progenitor of the Magi, their Christ-figure, if you will ... a being given near mythical significance.

The thing was, they were talking about her in the present tense along with the Jahabich. That didn’t make any sense.

As far as I was aware, they’d faced off against Calibra and...

That’s when it hit me.

Calibra, Cynthia’s mentioning of Kala the White, the White Mother ... the legend of Khal, just another name for Lilith. The destruction in this place as if someone had set off a bomb ... the Jahabich screaming out “Mother” just before they left.

It couldn’t be.

But it was.

Kala, Ib … KAL-IB … Calibra. It sounded amateurishly simple, almost a bad coincidence. But then, hadn’t I mentioned to Bill just a short while ago that strange coincidences seemed to be the norm as of late? Also, wasn’t there something to be said about hiding in plain sight?

Calibra wasn’t just the first vampire, she was somehow a master mage as well. Heck, it sounded like she was
the
master mage, the one whom all other Magi revered as an almost godlike figure.

What did that mean? And, just as important, why was I just finding this out now? Was this common knowledge among the two races? Did this make them connected? Was all of the talk about Magi neutrality in this supernatural war just a ruse?

And if this Calibra was the mother that the Jahabich had mentioned, how did this all tie together?

Conflicting emotions raced through me as I tried to process this. The vampires, the Magi, the Jahabich ... all linked to this one being, the only outlier being me, the one person kept out of the loop.

I didn’t find cause to doubt my friends’ intentions as they were obviously talking about killing this creature, as well as ending the war. So then why would they...

“I
know
I would face the fires of Hell if you were by my side.”

My heart sank as I heard Sally’s voice. I risked a glance around the rubble, and my suspicions were confirmed as she took hold of Bill’s hand in her own.

Despite the importance of what was being discussed, a sudden and overpowering urge to flee took hold of me. I needed to get away from this. It was too much.

I quietly crept out, having seen and heard enough. Once outside the door, I quickened my pace, not caring which way I headed. I couldn’t blame Bill’s heart for turning elsewhere. I’d certainly done my fair share to encourage that. Up until now, however, I hadn’t realized just how much damage I’d done.

I wasn’t sure if they didn’t trust me or didn’t even bother to consider me in their circle. The thing was, I wasn’t sure which was worse. Yet the blame for either scenario could be laid squarely at my own feet.

The things I’d done, the words I’d spoken, the actions I’d taken ... whether consciously or not. The realization that I wasn’t worthy of their trust hit home hard, and it was all I could do to not find an empty room, lock myself in, and cry until the tears would no longer come.

All of the battles of the past months, culminating in today’s fight for survival, played out in my mind in the space of a second. I saw plainly every fear, every obstacle I’d had to overcome in life, and with them I saw every failure. Every time I’d run away, exactly as I was doing right now.

The irony of my station sunk in. My honorific title was the last defender of humanity, but didn’t last also translate to alone?

So it would seem.

My hand had once again crept down to the pommel of my sword, almost as if it were some sort of wicked edged security blanket, and once more I felt the angry vibrations coming from the not-so-inanimate object.

I quickened my pace, racing up flights of stairs, and turning down corridors, trying to lose myself. I had no goal other than to get away. And thus, I wasn’t paying attention when I turned a corner and collided with someone.

* * *

My aura flared out, muting the kinetic energy of the collision. I merely backed up a few steps. Kelly, however, landed squarely on her butt in front of me.

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she replied, reaching up a hand. “Serves me right for woolgathering when I should have been paying attention.”

I pulled her to her feet. “It was my fault.”

“It’s probably safe to share the blame. Where were you headed in such a hurry?”

I shrugged and averted my eyes. “Just trying to get rid of some nervous energy. You?”

“Looking to see if this place has a coffee maker somewhere, or maybe an unused bed. I’m dead on my feet.”

“How’d the scrying go?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation from turning back to me.

“A big fat bowl of fuck all. Meg thinks it’s because we’re running on empty, so she called it off, at least until we can get some down time. Not sure I agree with her, but I wasn’t about to argue with a break.” Her eyes narrowed and she leaned in closer. “Are you okay?”

“Fine, why?”

“You look a bit puffy. Have you been cr...”

“It’s just exertion. Lots of work going on below, digging through the rubble and all. I guess I’m tired, too.”

The expression on her face said she didn’t buy my excuse, but she only nodded. “Did you get a chance to talk to Bill?”

“A little, not much.”

“Well you should, and before you say anything, I’m planning on taking my own advice, too.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Vincent?”

She gave me a wry smile. “Maybe. He’s got a pretty major stick up his ass, but I think there might be something there worth trying to corrupt.”

“You’re terrible,” I joked.

“You’re not, though,” she replied, turning serious. “And if your man can’t see that, he’s an idiot.” I didn’t know how to answer, but thankfully she wasn’t finished yet. “You did good today. I just wanted to say that, in case nobody else had.”

A bitter laugh escaped my lips before I could stop it. “I almost got us all killed.”

“Pretty sure that was the scary monsters. You were the one who turned the tide.”

“I got lucky.”

“I highly doubt that.”

Once again, I turned away from her gaze. “I let them get away. Cynthia, all of those things, and not just out there. I wasn’t here when they needed me.”

“That’s because we needed you more. You healed V and the others. That’s how a real hero does it.”

I drummed my fingers against the pommel of the blade at my side, feeling it vibrate every time I made contact. “I don’t know. I think about the heroes of old, people like Joan of Arc, Achilles, all the Icons who came before me, and I can’t help but feel they would have done things differently.”

“Yeah, they might have,” she said, “and probably gotten us all killed in the process.”

“They wouldn’t have flinched in the face of danger. They would have marched into that tunnel after those things and...”

Kelly let out an exasperated sigh. “And probably not come back out because they didn’t bother to stop and think first. Forget about them. You’re better than that.”

“I’m nothing more than a shadow of what they were.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.”

“No, I’m...”

“Just shut up and let me talk,” she interrupted. “You said it yourself. Your power is a drug. Well, you managed to resist it where they’d have kept on happily snorting.” She put one hand on my shoulder and the other under my chin, making sure I couldn’t look away. “You didn’t. You stopped yourself and came back to us because you knew we needed you. You’re not weaker than they were. If anything, you’re a lot stronger. You just need to believe it.”

I let her words sink in until I once again felt my eyes growing wet. This time, though, they were tears of joy, of gratitude. After a moment, I stepped in and hugged her hard. “Thank you.”

Twice this day, I’d loaned her my power. However, what she was doing now, sharing her strength with me, was so much more.

“Not saying anything that I don’t mean. Have some faith in yourself. I know I do.”

As I continued to hold on to Kelly, I let one hand fall back to my sword. The weapon vibrated once weakly before settling down, almost as if in agreement with her.

It was then I realized that everything that had occurred this day was yet another in perhaps a never-ending cycle of challenges. The difference now was that I knew I had to stop worrying about how everyone else expected me to face those still to come.

And there would be many, of that I had no doubt.

I thought about Bill. So many prophecies had been laid at our feet, that perhaps any hope I’d seen there had been false from the very beginning. If I’d lost his trust, though, then it was up to me to win it back. Some things might be beyond my ability to repair, but I could at least do that much.