Too Little, Too Late (16 page)

A
LEXIS HAD HER OWN ADDICTION
—she was a sex-addict fanatic!

It had been three weeks since she’d found out about Brian. And almost every day, she sat in front of her computer Googling for answers. She did the same thing now, scrolling through articles until she found one that was new:

The reasons for sexual addiction fall into one of three categories: biological, psychological, and spiritual.
Alexis paused. How could sexual addiction be spiritual?

She closed that window and opened another.

Almost ten percent of the population has some form of sexual addiction—especially with the accessibility of the Internet. Men and women are doing all kinds of things with their computer…

Quickly, she closed that window. Went to another.

Sexual addiction is a cycle of excitement, then guilt. Compared to another addiction—bulimia—sexual addiction can also have a binge and purge sequence.

Inside her head, she saw Brian binging and purging on women. Over and over.

She jumped up. Without signing out, she turned off the computer. It was time to get off the World Wide Web.

Kyla hugged Alexis as if she would never let go.

“I’ve missed you.” Kyla pulled back; her eyes wandered up, then down. “I guess I didn’t have anything to be worried about. You look gorgeous.”

“Don’t be fooled. I can work the outside. It’s the inside that needs help.”

The friends held hands as they strolled into the Woman’s Place. At the spa’s front desk, they registered and then were led to one of the private rooms. With lavender-scented candles smoldering around them, they changed into the full-length robes and slippers, secured their clothes and purses in the lockers, then settled onto the overstuffed recliners.

A soft knock on the door interrupted their chat. One of the spa assistants peeked inside. “You’re having lunch first, right?”

Alexis nodded.

“Okay, what can I get you to drink?”

Kyla said, “Tea for me,” and then frowned when Alexis ordered water. Once alone, she asked, “What’s up with the water? Boycotting coffee?”

“In a way.” Alexis picked up a
Vanity Fair
and flipped through the pages without stopping to read a word. She said, “I discovered there was more than one addict in the family. Only my addiction to coffee wasn’t as hurtful as Brian’s addiction to sex.”

Kyla tried to cheer her friend with her smile. “I guess the family that fights addictions together stays together, huh?”

She sighed. “Why did Brian choose sex as his addiction?”

“I don’t think it’s a choice, Alex. I mean, people who are addicted to food, do they choose that? Or gamblers, do they choose that?”

Alexis shrugged.

“And remember, this a disease. People certainly don’t sign up to get sick.”

“I guess…I don’t know.” She paused. “I don’t know much these days. I don’t know if I’ve even forgiven Brian. Sometimes I feel like I’m only there because that’s what God would want.”

“That’s a good reason.”

“But does it count if I don’t have real forgiveness in my heart? If I still have all of this stuff in my head, will God count what I’m doing as true forgiveness?”

“I think He’ll count it as you trying.”

Alexis shook her head. “I’ve never been through anything in my life so overwhelming. I don’t know what to do, what to think. That’s why Brian and I haven’t…”

Even without the rest of her words, Kyla understood. “Really? Not since…”

Alexis nodded. “Not since I found out. I can’t even think about letting him touch me that way.”

“I thought you were waiting until you had all of those tests.”

“That was my excuse, at first, but the results came back last week. We both tested negative for HIV and any STDs.”

Kyla’s shoulders relaxed with relief. “I didn’t want to ask. That’s a blessing, you know.”

“I know. But still, every time Brian gets near me…” She shuddered, closed her eyes, and remembered the nights. The nights when she stayed in her office in Culver City. Or the nights when she stayed in her home office. Always waiting until she was sure that Brian was asleep. Then she would choose the bed in the guest bedroom or sometimes even the couch. Anywhere but the bed they were meant to share as husband and wife.

“The thing that scares me is that Brian and I were really good together and he still cheated on me.”

“You’re still calling it cheating. Why don’t you just accept that it’s an addiction?”

“Because the words sound different, but they feel the same.” She stopped. “And the bad part of all of this is that I keep thinking that if I don’t get back into bed with him, he’ll cheat on me again.”

“Just stop thinking of Brian cheating before or cheating again. Stop thinking about cheating, period.”

If it was as easy as “just” stopping…But she couldn’t stop thinking—about the women who still taunted her in that dark place. The women who came to her every night, mocked her, and told her that they could have her husband any time they wanted him.

“When Brian and I get back into bed together, it won’t be just the two of us there.” Alexis closed her eyes, waited for her friend to tell her that she was crazy.

“Girl,” Kyla began and leaned closer, “I know exactly how you feel.”

Alexis’s eyes popped open.

Kyla said, “When Jefferson and I finally got back together after Jasmine, I felt like she was right in the bed with us.”

Alexis twisted on the recliner to face her friend. “You never told me that. What did you do?”

“I just kept loving my husband until I kicked the image of Jasmine’s trifling behind out of my bed.”

Alexis laughed. “That must have been fun.”

“It was. Pastor said that in a situation like this, it’s important to build back that part of your relationship. But it was so hard. There were times when we were making love and I wasn’t even there.” Kyla’s eyes glazed over for a moment, as if she were remembering. “It was like I was having an out-of-body experience. But slowly, that went away.” She paused, brought her thoughts back to the present. “And girlfriend, let me tell you, Jefferson and I may be over forty, but—” She snapped her fingers three times.

Alexis chuckled. “So, I have something to look forward to.”

“Definitely. We’re in our prime, girl. Don’t let nothing steal this joy.” Her smile dimmed a bit. “Especially since Brian is trying.”

“He is…” Alexis paused.

“Sounds like there was a ‘but’ coming.”

“No,” Alexis said, deciding to keep quiet about her feelings—because that’s all she had. Feelings, nothing more. But she could feel that there was something still separating her and Brian. Something more than his addiction. Something more that he was hiding. The secret—whatever it was—was polluting the air that they shared. “I really do want to get back what we had” was all that she said.

Kyla leaned closer. “I have a great idea.”

It was the look on her friend’s face that made Alexis smile too. “Tell me, my dear.”

“You don’t know how to get back into bed, right?”

Alexis nodded.

“Well, get freaky. Forget about the bed!”

Alexis burst into laughter as she listened to her friend’s plan.

B
RIAN WAS WEARY
.

It was barely noon, but he’d been in the office since an hour after dawn. It had been a restless night once again, without Alexis by his side. This morning, he’d found her in the recliner in the living room. He did what he always did—kissed her cheek. And like a fairy tale, she’d awakened.

He sighed at that memory. She would not sleep with him, but every other part of their life was moving forward. In therapy, he talked, she listened. At home, they ate, watched television, even played Scrabble together. It was just the final act of each day that they did alone.

In those hours when he was left by himself, he thought most about his secret. There were times in the middle of the night when he wanted to tiptoe into the living room, lift Alexis into his arms, carry her to their bed, and make love to her until she forgave him all the way. But the thought in his head—of Jasmine and her baby—stopped him. Because he didn’t want to be the one to bring his wife closer…just in case hurt was waiting not far away.

He frowned when a knock on the door forced him from his thoughts. He had no appointments, since today was July 3. His schedule was holiday light.

Another knock before he said, “Come in.”

His frown deepened when a lady in a black uniform, complete with a hat, entered his office. “May I help you?”

“Dr. Lewis, this is for you.” She held up a tuxedo on a hanger, and a small bag.

“I’m sorry…”

“And this.” She handed him an envelope.

He recognized Alexis’s handwriting, pulled out the card:
I’m waiting for you
was all it said.

Slowly, he smiled. The uniformed woman passed him the tuxedo. “Your shoes are in the bag. I’ll be waiting outside.”

He couldn’t change fast enough; his mind was filled with wonder—what was his wife up to?

Within ten minutes, he was sitting in the back of a limousine. “Can you tell me where we’re going?”

“No, sir,” the driver said, keeping her eyes straight ahead. “But there’s another card for you. In the champagne bucket.” Then she closed the privacy window.

He beamed as he read:
I’m still waiting. Relax, have a little drink, get ready.
He leaned back into the leather seat. He didn’t even want to look out the window. It didn’t matter where he was going. As long as his wife was there when he arrived.

Even before the car curved around the winding driveway, Brian was sure of where he was. This was the bed-and-breakfast inn in Oceanside that he’d mentioned to Alexis.

As soon as the car stopped, he opened the door, even before the driver could step out.

“Dr. Lewis!”

But he ignored the driver’s call. His eyes (really, every part of him) was focused on his wife. Alexis stood at the top of the three steps that led to the inn’s entryway.

From the moment he’d first seen her, all those years ago, he’d wondered why Alexis had never pursued a career in modeling. The eggshell sleeveless dress with its simple princess-neckline fit her five-ten frame as if it had been sewn onto her. And when she turned sideways, he gasped at the deep cut in the back.

With a quickness, he stepped toward her. But just a few feet away, he stopped. Didn’t move again until she reached for him. He trotted up the stairs and pulled her into his arms.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” she whispered.

“I…” Pressing her finger against his lips, she stopped him, then guided him inside into the wide-open foyer.

It wasn’t the artwork from local painters hanging on the wall or the bright-white art deco furniture that had his attention. It was the windowed wall that framed the view of the ocean that made him hold his breath.

Walking in rhythm, their heels echoed against the polished parquet floor until they stepped onto the balcony where the fragrance of the sea greeted them.

“This is beautiful.” Brian inhaled. “I’ve been here five minutes and already I don’t want to go home.”

“We’re just getting started.” She motioned toward the sofa on the deck. “Take off your shoes and socks.”

He frowned.

She repeated her request, before she slipped off her sandals. He did the same and when he was barefoot, she led him down the steps. Silently, he followed, as they shifted through the sand until they stood at that place where the water met the earth.

“I can’t believe we’re here,” Brian said as a wave left its residue around their ankles.

She turned to him, her face covered with the ocean’s mist. “Give me your wedding band.”

It was only because she smiled that he twisted the golden circle off his finger. She did the same—removed her wedding band from under her engagement ring and then tucked both into the pocket of his jacket.

She said, “Now is the time for us to renew our vows.”

He didn’t speak.

“I know you wanted a real ceremony with lots of people, but I think for where we are now…” She paused. “I want to do it this way. Just the two of us. Speaking what’s in our hearts.”

“Alexis,” was all he could say, not able to think of a time when he loved her more.

“So, do you want to do this?” she asked. “I know we don’t have any vows prepared, but I think we can just say what we want, right?”

“I…this is wonderful.” He took her hand and a breath. “Alexis, from the first day I saw you, I loved you. And there hasn’t been a day since when I didn’t love you. There hasn’t been a moment when I wasn’t thinking of you.”

Her eyes wandered away with those words. She gazed into the sea as if she needed that sight to help her believe him. With his fingertips, he brought her back to him.

“I mean it,” he said. “I know I hurt you. And I don’t have enough sorrys within me to tell you how sorry I am. But I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you. From this day forward, I will love you so that you’ll always know you’re loved. You will never have a doubt.” This time, he caught her before she turned away. “Here and now, this is my vow to you.”

For minutes, the water crashed around them, a cool refuge from the heat of July. When Alexis was ready, she said, “The reason I’m here is because I love you. Not because this is right, not because I’m such a forgiving person. Just because I love you. It’s love I can’t explain. But I know it’s real because the love is still there. Even with the pain, even in the moments when I just wanted to die.” She paused, wanting him to understand all that she’d been through. “My love is still there. And now, I want to build my love back stronger than it was before.” She took a breath. “I want to love you always. Here and now, this is my vow to you.”

She’d barely spoken her last word before Brian pulled her into his chest and his lips met hers. Her tongue greeted his. There they stayed. Connecting once again.

When they pulled away, Alexis said, “We forgot something.”

“What?”

“The rings. We forgot to put them back on.”

He chuckled, pulled the bands from his pocket. Studied the two golden circles. Then, he said, “Do you trust me?”

She took a deep breath.

“Alexis, you can trust me. I can’t help what’s behind us, but I can tell you that you can trust what’s in front of us.” He paused. “I know it’s going to take time to trust me completely, but can you trust me in this moment?”

She tried to keep her frown away as she nodded.

He looked at their wedding bands once again. “The width, the length, the depth of this ocean is nothing compared to the love I have for you.” He tossed their rings far into the water.

Alexis shrieked.

“We’re going to buy new ones tomorrow,” he said quickly. “To celebrate this.”

She was motionless, her hand still covering her mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I just thought this was a great way for us to express this new beginning.”

“No, it’s fine,” she panted. “I was just thinking,” she held up her left hand and the diamond’s sparkles danced under the sun, “I’m glad I didn’t give you my engagement ring!”

She laughed. He did the same. They held hands. Clumsily treaded through the sand back to the inn. Together.

The heat of the Jacuzzi, the hum of the bubbles was lulling him to sleep. But Brian fought the fight; he had to stay awake and wait for Alexis. Tonight, under the rhinestone-studded heaven, there were no thoughts of their pain. All that was on their minds was today.

Brian leaned back and savored the memories of the hours that had passed, their dinner of steak and lobster and champagne they shared on the deck. Then the way Alexis had relaxed in his arms while they watched the sun bow in the horizon. There was only one thing that could make this day better—and that would be this night.

It was more than the way Alexis had planned this day that gave him hope. It was the fact that their room was a single, not a suite. There was no sofa for Alexis to escape to; there was only one place for her to rest. In the bed. Next to him.

But even though just thinking about being with her made the very essence of him almost explode, he wasn’t going to touch her in that way. Not until she was ready. And if not tonight, he would be fine. This day was enough—for now.

The door from their room to the patio slid open.
Finally,
he thought.
How long does it take to put on a bathing suit?

Alexis stepped out, wrapped in a towel.

He greeted her with a smile. She took the two steps to the top of the Jacuzzi, then paused.

Reaching for her, he said, “The water’s great.”

A moment, then she tossed aside her towel. Wiped his smile away.

She moved, slowly, letting his eyes devour all of her nakedness. Then, little by little, she submerged into the bubbly water and glided toward him.

Although he could no longer see her body, the image stayed with him. And he wanted more.

His heart pumped hard; surely, it was about to blast through his chest when she reached him. Touched him. Wrapped her arms around him.

“I love you,” she whispered.

It wasn’t human power that kept him from tearing away his swimming trunks and taking his wife right then.

Instead, he relished the time. Kissed her, made her moan. Caressed her, made her whimper. Enjoyed each moment, moved as if it was their first time. When she called his name, he kicked off his trunks, and under the water, he loved her.

Her cries of pleasure became louder and he groaned, joining her melody. For long minutes, they sang. Sang until they couldn’t sing anymore. And she collapsed, still in his arms.

His heart’s desire was to stay there. Forever. Never leave the Jacuzzi. Never leave this inn. Never go home.

But he knew tomorrow would come. Though now he also knew that they would be fine. He had his wife back.