The two of them stood there in silence, each waiting for the other to speak.
Alan’s heart thundered in his chest, its echo apparent throughout his body. This was not good. He knew it in his bones.
He just wasn’t sure how to fix it, except by doing what Ross wanted, and he was not doing that.
“Fine,” Ross snapped. “Have it your way. But you and I will speak about this later.”
Without another word or backward glance, Ross turned and walked back into his office. The door closed, not quite a slam, but pretty damn close.
No, this was definitely not good.
✧ ✦ ✧
“Here you go, a venti chai latte, right?” Guy Tremane set Michael’s drink on the table then took the chair across from him.
“Thanks. That’s perfect.” Michael picked up his tea and sipped.
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They were sitting at a small table in Starbucks, the one near Jane and Ross’s place.
“How did you get here? You didn’t walk, did you?”
Michael heard Guy remove the lid from his coffee. He shook his head. “Jane dropped me off. She’s my sister-in-law, well, my partner’s sister. She’ll pick me up in an hour on her way back home.”
“I was wondering, because this isn’t exactly a pedestrian-friendly area.”
“I don’t live around here, but my neighborhood isn’t much better for walking. That’s the main reason I want to get a guide dog. It makes me crazy having to depend on people to drive me around.”
“I remember you saying something like that the night you were at our house.”
And there it was, the perfect opening for him to ask about Alan.
It was nearly three weeks since he’d thrown Alan and Robby out of his house. Three weeks with no contact except for that single phone conversation when Alan had read him Robby’s letter. Two days later he had received the letter in the mail. He knew it because, as he’d requested, Alan had put a paperclip on the corner of the pages.
At first he’d thought he would burn the letter, or tear it into a million pieces and flush it down the toilet like the piece of shit it was. In the end he’d simply held it for a while before carrying it upstairs and tucking it away inside Phillip’s journal.
“Everything all right, Michael?” Guy asked.
The question broke into Michael’s thoughts. He nodded.
“Sure, I was just thinking about something I forgot to do.” He sipped his tea. “So, how long before I can get a dog?”
“Well, not as long as it might have taken. If your schedule allows it, I can have a dog for you next month.”
“Next month? Really? I thought you said six months.”
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The dog lying under the table, a yellow Lab named Sandy who was still in training, sighed loudly and rested her head on Michael’s foot.
Michael itched to reach down and stroke her soft fur.
“It’s so hard not to pet them,” Michael said.
“I know. That’s one of the biggest problems guide dog users have to deal with. People always want to pet them and play with them and talk to them, but it’s very distracting for the dog. It would be like driving a car and having someone grab the wheel.”
“Really? Wow.” Michael paused. “How’s Oscar’s training coming along?”
“Oh, he’s not in training yet, not like this little girl. Oscar is still too much puppy. It’ll be another year before he’s ready to go to a client.”
“I hope whoever gets him isn’t too attached to his shoes.”
Guy laughed. “You heard about that, did you?”
Michael smiled even though his heart was pounding. “Alan was pretty upset when Oscar turned his running shoes into a midnight snack.”
There, he’d done it, mentioned Alan’s name. Now maybe Guy would say something about how Alan was doing.
But he didn’t.
“We’ll break Oscar of that bad habit before he goes to his new home.”
“How will you do that?”
“Obedience training is a big part of it. A dog like Oscar needs a lot of loving discipline. He’ll have to go to somebody with a firm hand.”
“Tell me about the training the dogs get, before they go to a person, I mean.”
As Guy talked, Michael searched for a way to work Alan’s name into the conversation again. He didn’t want to seem needy, but at the same time he wanted to know how Alan was and what too soon FoR Love
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he was doing. Even though they hadn’t known each other long, he had let himself fall for Alan a little bit.
And the sex. Well …
Michael suppressed a sigh as he remembered the way Alan had moved under him, the taste of him and the sound of his laughter.
Alan was wrong to keep that letter from him, wrong not to tell him what he’d found out about Robby and Phillip. Alan had treated him like a child, and no matter how he felt about the man, Michael wouldn’t tolerate that, not in a partner.
He blinked, startled by his own thoughts. What the hell was he doing thinking of Alan, or anyone, as a potential partner. He wasn’t ready for a new relationship, wouldn’t be ready for a long time, not until he could be sure of his judgment, not until—
“Michael?”
“Yeah?”
“I asked if you thought you’d be able to start training next month.”
Next month. He could get his dog next month and be one step closer to regaining his independence.
Michael nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be ready next month. When do you want to start?”
“Don’t let her drag you like that.” Guy spoke from just behind Michael’s right shoulder. “Use the leash the way I showed you.”
Michael took hold of Heidi’s leash with his right hand and tugged. “Heidi, no.”
“Are you asking her, or telling her? Remember, you’re in charge. Sound like you mean it and make it count.”
Michael corrected the black Lab again. “Heidi, no.”
Over the incessant traffic noise on Germantown Avenue, Michael heard Guy step up beside him. A hand closed over his on the leash and Guy gave the dog’s collar a sharp snap. Heidi immediately stopped dragging Michael along the sidewalk.
Guy released Michael’s hand. “That’s how you give a leash correction.”
“But doesn’t that hurt her? I mean, it seems like it would, jerking on her collar like that…”
“That’s what those collars are made for. It doesn’t hurt her.
And look how much nicer she’s walking now.”
“Still.” Though privately he did have to admit Heidi was behaving better after Guy’s correction, Michael didn’t know if he could ever bring himself to be as firm with the Lab as her trainer was. “I just don’t know if I can do that.”
“You can,” Guy assured him. “She’s a smart dog, and the smarter the dog, the more you have to keep the upper hand.
Now, we’re going to cross the street then turn left and walk straight up the block.”
“Okay.”
Michael slid the leash under the first finger of his left hand.
Despite the chill in the air, his palm felt slick with sweat where he gripped Heidi’s harness.
She was a great dog and he’d fallen instantly in love with her
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when Guy had introduced them that morning. But he still felt a little off balance walking with her, sort of like he was being dragged down the street by a train.
At the corner, Heidi stopped at the curb, just like she was supposed to. Michael shrugged deeper into his jacket. He heard the perpendicular traffic flow and waited before giving the command for the dog to go forward. He heard an engine idling on the parallel street, a car waiting at the light. Just as the car began to move, Michael gave the command.
“Heidi, forward.”
Together they stepped off the curb and crossed the street.
On the opposite corner they turned left and walked up the block.
The spring sun shone on Michael’s head. It felt good and warmed him despite the cold breeze blowing directly into his face. He inhaled and smelled coffee.
“Hey, Guy? Let’s stop in Starbucks. It’s right up here somewhere, isn’t it?”
Guy caught up. Michael heard his footsteps. “It’s up here on your right. You’ll be coming up on it in a bit. Tell Heidi, right, find the door.”
“She can do that?”
“Yep. Go ahead. Give it a try.”
He did and the dog led him directly to the door.
“Hey, that’s pretty great.”
“Go on and praise her up. Then we can go inside and warm up for a few minutes.”
They worked the dog for another hour, in and out of stores, up and down streets, before Guy seemed satisfied with Michael and Heidi’s team work.
“That’s probably enough for today,” Guy said after Michael and Heidi had successfully negotiated some sidewalk construction.
“Tomorrow I think we’ll try some public transportation. How does that sound?”
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“That sounds good.”
Michael felt tired as the three of them made their way back to Guy’s car. But it was the good kind of tired, a tired that came from exercise rather than boredom or grief.
When they reached the car, Michael slid into the passenger seat with a contented sigh. Heidi curled up at his feet and rested her chin on his sneaker.
“What else are we going to do?” Michael asked as Guy got behind the wheel and started the engine.
“What else do you want to do? This training is tailored specifically for you, Michael. That’s the difference between what I do and what they do at the residential guide dog schools.”
Michael recalled the night he’d gotten lost on his way to the restaurant to meet Alan, how frightened and alone he’d felt out there by the side of the road and how relieved when Alan had come like a knight in shining armor to rescue him. He remembered too what had happened when they went back to the house, and he felt a pang of sadness and loss.
“I’d like to do some work around my neighborhood,” he told Guy.
“You mean the no sidewalk zone?”
“Yeah, can Heidi handle that?”
“Sure. All the dogs get training in all kinds of environments since I don’t know where they’ll end up working.”
Michael saw his opportunity to bring the discussion around to Alan via the dog and he grabbed it shamelessly.
“So Oscar’s doing good? Do you have any idea who will get him?”
“Not yet. I won’t know that for quite a while. He’s doing fine though. I saw him the other night when I stopped by to drop off a new collar for him. Seems he doesn’t take very well to heeling, but this collar should help with that.”
“And how’s Alan doing? Has he lost any more shoes to
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Oscar’s shoe fetish?”
Though he did his best to make the question sound casual, Michael’s heart was thudding so hard and fast he was sure Guy must be able to hear it.
“Shoe fetish, huh? I like that.” Guy chuckled. But when he spoke again his tone held no humor. “Alan’s unemployed. I don’t guess you heard.”
Michael straightened in his seat and turned toward Guy.
“Unemployed? Why? What happened?”
“I don’t know exactly. He made it sound like he got downsized.
All I know is he’s out of a job currently.”
Well, shit. That sucked for Alan. How would he pay his bills?
Would he get enough from unemployment? Would he even get unemployment?
Guy pulled the car to the side of the road and stopped. “Okay, you and your girl there, get out and let’s see what the two of you can do.”
“Where are we?”
“We’re about four blocks from your house. I want to work the dog along the left side of the road until you get to the end of the driveway. Then take her up the drive and I’ll meet you on your front porch.”
“Where are you going to be?”
“In the car. I want to see what you two can do. But I won’t interfere unless you get into trouble.”
Michael felt a frisson of nerves. He refused to grant the feeling its proper name, fear. There was nothing to be afraid of. He was four blocks from his house, and he had Heidi, and Guy would be waiting for him, maybe even watching him. Still, he couldn’t quash the slightly nauseating dread in his stomach, couldn’t swallow down the metallic taste of that thing he wouldn’t name.
“What’s wrong, Michael?”
“Nothing.”
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“I can see there’s something. Now, what is it?”
“It’s nothing, really.” Michael reached for the door handle.
“You’re perfectly safe. Heidi will keep you safe. That’s what a guide dog does.”
“I know,” Michael said, perhaps a bit too quickly. “I’m good.
It’s all good.” He opened the door. “C’mon, girl. Let’s go.”
Heidi jumped out of the car after Michael. Her tail thumped against the door and she shook, floppy Labrador ears went thwack, thwack, thwack.
Michael shut the door and picked up the harness. As he crossed the road, behind him he heard Guy’s window slide down.
“I’ll be within sight the whole time, Michael. You’ll do fine.”
He would be fine.
Michael repeated this like a mantra as he began his walk toward home. Still, he was breathless with anxiety, nauseous with it, and his legs were literally shaking.
How the hell had he gotten to the point he was afraid to walk four blocks on his own? And not even really on his own. He had Heidi to keep him on the road, and Guy was looking out for him.
Besides that it was the middle of the day and he knew almost exactly where he was. Nothing about this walk was like the other one. Nothing. Including the fact that Alan wouldn’t be there at the end, waiting for him.
Damn it, he missed Alan. Missed his voice and his laugh.
Missed his emails and his quirky sense of humor. And he missed Alan’s touch.
Michael caught himself waiting for the now familiar feeling of betrayal, the sense he was being unfaithful to Phillip. But it didn’t come.
And why the hell should it?
He was the one who had been betrayed, not Phillip. Phillip was banging Robby on the side for God knew how long. Maybe ever since they’d gone to Mexico, probably since then, and he,
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