Totaled (17 page)

Any other guy would’ve been bored with my minutes-long story, but Drew was right there with me, hanging on every word, actually interested.

“He died last year,” I responded with sorrow in my voice. “He didn’t show up at the gym one morning when he was supposed to meet Liam for training. Liam went over to his house to make sure he was okay after he didn’t answer the phone. He found Paulo, but he was unresponsive. He had apparently suffered a heart attack. He was only 51. Liam didn’t leave the house or speak to anyone for three days. To say that he was devastated would be an understatement.”

“And Ricardo and Tomas? Where are they now?” Drew asked.

“Tomas lives in Savannah, Georgia, with his wife and children. We always stay with him when we go up for the St. Patrick’s Day festivities. Getting a hotel in Savannah for St. Patty’s Day is near impossible. And Ricardo still lives here. He’s actually an OB/GYN here in Fernandina.

At some point during my story, Drew had reached down and grabbed my left hand in his. Our fingers were intertwined and resting on his lap. It felt so comfortable that at first I didn’t even notice. I just continued talking and telling the story that he seemed genuinely interested in hearing. He seemed genuinely interested in knowing me. When I spoke, he listened. He paid attention and looked into my eyes. Slowly, this huge bear of a man, with all of his mystery, all of his secrets, all of his trust issues and his damage, all of his hidden emotions and unknown fears, was seeping into my soul. I could feel myself wanting to fall for him. It felt scary. And wrong. And amazing.

Just when I was about to ask him a question, I felt Drew shift a little next to me and turn. He reached up with his left hand and tilted my chin up to face him. He left his hand cupping my jaw, he looked deep into my eyes, and just sat there. He opened his mouth as if he was almost about to say something, but then he stopped. It was like he was at war with his thoughts. He stared into my eyes for a few seconds, saying nothing but thinking everything. I caught his eyes wandering down to look at my mouth every few seconds and I could see the inner turmoil behind his eyes. It was like I could sense his fear and apprehension rolling off of his body, the energy between us changing rapidly. Remembering that his right hand and my left hand were still intertwined, I squeezed it a little harder and rubbed my thumb over his, trying to reassure him. He broke our gaze, glanced down at our hands together, smiled, and said, “We better head back.” He abruptly released my hand and stood up.

I could do nothing but follow.
What the hell just happened?

As we walked slowly down the dock and made our way back towards the gym where our cars were parked, I couldn’t help but replay what just happened in my mind. The entire walk down and off the dock, I was trying to recall every word spoken, every facial expression he made, every touch, agonizing over my every word, touch, reaction, response. My thoughts were firing in my brain a mile a minute.

Did I just imagine that?

There’s no way he didn’t feel that.

Maybe he just doesn’t like me like that.

Like me like WHAT?

Like THAT, dammit!

I really wanted him to kiss me.

Didn’t I?

I’ve never felt like this before.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.

I FEEL like I want this man to own me. And me to own him.

I want to love him and him me.

Okay, whoa. Pump the brakes!

Love? Seriously? You just met this guy.

But he grabbed AND HELD my hand.

But he didn’t kiss you.

And he could have.

The moment was there.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, get a grip!

My ridiculous train of thoughts was interrupted by Drew saying, “Bree? Hello? Bree?”

“Oh, sorry. Yes?” I asked hopefully.

“Where did you go?” he asked, a look of confusion on his face.

“What? What do you mean?” I questioned, pretending like I had no idea what he was talking about.

“You zoned out. I lost you. Where did you go?” Are you okay?” he asked, seeming genuinely concerned.

“Yeah. Of course. I’m fine. Sorry. I just got lost in my own head for a minute. So, here we are. Thanks for the coffee. I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked, almost dismissively.

“Uhh, okay. Sure. Yeah. Tomorrow then. Have a good night, Brianne,” he said softly, and then turned and walked away from me.

I just stood there and stared.
Did he just call me Brianne?
For the love of God and all that is holy, he might quite possibly have the sexiest body I’ve ever seen. Ever. He even walks sexy. He oozes sexiness. It’s like his body has its own soundtrack and he’s gliding along to the rhythm at all times, never missing a beat. I realized that my mouth was open slightly. There I was, standing and staring at this beautifully perfect specimen of a man with my mouth agape, watching his broad muscular back and absurdly fine ass walk away from me, practically drooling.
SHIT! Oh God, oh God, oh God.
He just turned around, surely to check if I was watching him leave, caught me staring, grinned and winked. He fucking smiled and winked. I smiled back and quickly turned around, my face and chest beat red, flushed with the embarrassment of being busted.

The girl part of my brain awakened again.

Oh. My. God.

Seriously?

I mean, SERIOUSLY?!?!

I really need to talk to Sue. Like NOW.

Chapter Eighteen

DREW

Walking away was difficult, but I needed some space to think. My attraction to Bree was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. I may be crazy, but I think she felt it too. I almost kissed her. I had to be careful there. Her father was my trainer and coach, effectively my boss, so to speak. Her twin brother was my training partner and also had “special needs,” for lack of a better term, with the mental capabilities of a fourth grader. He wanted to be my friend—I couldn’t fuck that up by making a move on his sister. Bree and I were essentially coworkers, so there’s the whole “don’t date people you work with” recommendation. More like “don’t shit where you eat.” We hadn’t exactly started off on the right foot, either. Actually, we started off with
her
right foot landing on the left side of my face and me blacking out. All signs pointed to staying the hell away from this girl.

But the way she looked at me, all doe-eyed and hopeful, with pure innocence in her stare…damn. She was sweet but with a take-no-shit edge I appreciated. I couldn’t help but be attracted to her feistiness. Man, I had no idea how to handle this situation. I wanted her. I wanted her beneath me, begging for her release, more than I could ever remember wanting someone before. Yet, Bree was different. I’d been with a few girls and even some women, but I’d never had any feelings for them beyond needing to scratch an itch with a willing participant.

Bree was different. I actually wanted to know this girl and I wanted her to know me. I felt so comfortable talking to her and wanted so badly to finally open up to someone and she seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me too. I guess it was possible to just be friends and nothing more. I’d just never be able look at her perfect pouty lips. I’d avert my gaze when her deep blue eyes found my green ones. I’d find something else to do with my hands when a stray piece of hair fell in front of her face, begging for me to gently tuck it behind her ear. I’d think of fat, naked grandmas to suppress my arousal when she walked in front of me with her sexy, innocent little saunter. Yeah. I could do this. I could try to do this. I had to try to do this.

I walked around the corner and made my way back to my truck. With Mick coming in a few days, I thought it might be a good idea to run by the store and get some things for the house so I could be as accommodating as he and Joan were to me. Even though Fernandina was a smaller town, they still had a super store, so I figured that was best. I filled my basket with soap, manly smelling shampoo, disposable razors, shaving cream, toothbrushes, and some other random toiletry items. I bought cocktail sauce, sticks of butter, a jar of minced garlic, and a shit ton of paper towels. I got all of the necessary breakfast staples: eggs, bacon, and cheese, a bag of frozen hashbrowns, orange juice, and coffee creamer. I googled “how to make sweet tea” on my smart phone and purchased everything I’d need to keep a pitcher in the fridge at all times. I even got a mason jar with a handle for him to drink out of. Feeling like I was finally set up to host my guest, I made my way back to the house.

After putting everything away and straightening up the house a little, I walked out onto the deck. This place was beautiful during the day, but at night, it was simply majestic. All I could hear were the relaxing waves crashing into the sand. All I could smell was the salty air and crisp early summer breeze. All I could see was a big, bright moon reflecting against the ocean’s ripples, a beacon of light in a wide open black abyss.

I stood against the railing, thinking about the questions Bree asked, and tried to recreate the conversation in my head. How could I have answered differently? How should I have answered her naïve inquiry? I thought about my mother. I pictured her face smiling down at me with pride and adoration. Grief overtook me in that moment, smacking into me like a freight train out of nowhere, and the tears just poured down my face. The sorrow of missing her was squeezing my chest like a giant tourniquet, making it hard to take in enough breath. The sobbing became uncontrollable, my body wrenching and shaking from deep within my dark chamber of secrets. I felt wounded emotionally, but was actually in physical pain too. The near full moon just stared at me, fixed and steadfast, bright and bold, daring but also comforting. I wondered where she was. What was she thinking? Was she staring back down at me from these stars?

Never having experienced grief before the tragic death of my mother, I could do nothing but surrender to its reappearance. It was too strong to resist, too powerful to fight. And so I just stood weeping. I wept for the loss of a person whose laughter I could still hear as if it were lingering in that salty night sea breeze. I wept for a smile I would never again see in person, not encased behind a pane of glass in a picture frame. I wept for the woman who gave me life and loved me with her whole heart. Now her memories would stay hidden in the shadows of my subconscious, creeping into the present when I least expected it. I couldn’t control my emotions when they made their appearance. Just when I thought things were going well and that I could actually find some happiness or a silver lining in this shit hand I had been dealt, the grief slipped into my thoughts, invading my heart, obscuring my vision, blurring my world into a hazy cloud, gripping my stomach in knots, my soul aching so intensely that the tears poured out of my eyes, the pain leaking out of me in full force.

I looked out at that moon and the surrounding stars and made a promise to her, and to myself. I promised to go on with my life and try my hardest to always make her proud. I promised to think about her every day to keep her memory alive in my head. I promised to laugh and to live every day to the fullest. I promised to not be afraid to love. And then I pictured a sweet face smiling at me. It wasn’t my mother’s face this time, though.

It was Bree’s.

Chapter Nineteen

BREE

“Ahhh. I’m so confused. We had the best conversation. He was so easy to talk to and even kind of funny. And he acted genuine and real, like he was really being himself. And I like him. But then he just got weird. Or maybe I’m weird. I don’t know,” I ranted to Sue.

“Okay, slow down here. What do you mean he got weird? What did he do?” she asked, like an eager terrier after a bone. “Did he make you uncomfortable, because I swear to God—”

“No. Nothing like that!” I stopped her from jumping to conclusions and sighed loudly. “He just…things just changed. We were talking and it was nice—comfortable and effortless. He asked about my family and the gym. I told him about my mom, and Liam, even Paulo. He seemed like he truly cared. I thought he was actually going to kiss me at one point, but he just…didn’t. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“Well, no offense, Bree, but you’re not exactly experienced in the whole dating world. Maybe you just read things wrong. Why did you think he was going to kiss you? Like, what did he do?” she asked, doubt lacing her words.

“He looked into my eyes, reached up and grabbed my face, but in a gentle sort of way, like holding my jaw. And then he just let go and stood up, saying that we should head back. It was abrupt and awkward. I’m telling you, I’m not crazy!” I whined.

“I need you to show me,” she insisted. “Like, let’s reenact it. I’ll be you and you be Drew. Do what he did, so I can see what you mean.”

Feeling silly, but determined to show her exactly why I was so confused, I played along. I moved to sit next to her on the couch, in the exact positions that Drew and I were seated in on the dock.

“Okay, so I was telling him about Ricardo and Tomas,” I said, leading Sue to talk.

“Ricardo and Tomas, blah, blah, blah. Here I am, Bree Murphy, telling you a story,” Sue said sarcastically, talking with her hand.

I reached out with my right hand and grabbed Sue’s left hand, intertwining our fingers. She looked up at me, surprised, but I just nodded and told her to continue talking.

“I don’t know what to say so I’m just going to continue to ramble on and on about nothing. I’m super excited about the shrimp festival coming up. I just bought the cutest tank top to wear that will go perfectly with my new Jimmy Choo sandals,” she blabbered on and on.

I slowly reached my left hand up to her face and cupped her jaw, turning her towards me to look at me head on. I held her chin and looked into her eyes, just as Drew had looked into mine. Sue stopped talking and looked right at me with the most shocked expression. I opened my mouth to say something but then stopped myself, just as he had done earlier. Then I let go of her face, glanced down at our hands, and said, “We better head back.” I let go of her hand and stood up, exactly as he had done.