"Sir, I would never."
I decided to let Evo off the hook, and worked on becoming crankier by the minute. "Knock it off J.J., you big bluffer, you got Evo all upset for nothing. I was going to go home rather than try to wear Fred's 'Tooth Fairy' clothes, so Evo offered me these shirts. Stop trying to intimidate him. He's traumatized enough already."
I took a breath and geared up for the next verbal assault when I noticed J.J.'s shoulders were jumping up and down. He stood there pinching his upper lip trying to keep a straight face. I looked closely and realized the idiot was laughing.
"Green, if you're laughing at Evo, he's going to kick your butt. If you're laughing at me, I'm going to uh, well, I'm going to make-uh-Evo kick your butt anyway. I'll even hold you down."
J.J. laughed harder and Evo was saved from answering when his door was shoved open and a dripping Al wearing nothing but two towels came blundering into the room. "Oops, sorry. I heard Buzz's voice and thought this was Fred's room. I'll just go–" She began to back out.
"Wait, Al," I yelled. "Fred won't have anything to fit your six foot frame, but Evo just bought a brand new wardrobe. I fingered the soft flannel of my shirt. It ain't Armani, but it sure is comfortable."
Al looked doubtful and the men looked pole-axed. I must have looked pissed because after J.J. picked his tongue up off the floor his gaze flew to me, then to Al, then back to me. He picked up his hat and he and Evo slid over near the door.
What could I say to that? "Gee, Green, enjoying the view?" I gave a choking laugh.
"Buzz…"
I stepped up nose-to-nose, glared at him, and said through my teeth, "Don't
Buzz
me, pal. Like I said; 'mine' my ass–you're welcome to her; just wait until I get out of here."
"Buzz wait…"
I looked in the mirror and saw his eyes flick back to mine. He at least had the decency to blush, but I'd had enough.
Damn. That's what I get for wishing on a star.
I felt my eyes burn as I said quietly, "Just go, J.J."
I heard the door click and I took a deep breath. I turned to Al and held up a lavender T-shirt with a matching flannel shirt. I took a fortifying breath and said, "How about this?"
I watched her eyes as they slid from the closed door to me. They visibly widened, and she wisely pretended the incident with the men never happened. I went along out of habit.
"Oh! This is pretty. And look, we kind-of match."
I rolled my eyes and wondered to myself for the hundredth time in our lives if she really was that clueless.
Naw, she did it on purpose,
I thought as I bit the bullet and blasted her. "Al, you have been in this house a hundred times. You knew this wasn't Fred's room."
She sighed and looked away from me. "Yeah, I did."
"Why do you
do
stuff like that? You wonder why I have a problem with you."
"Oh lighten up, I was just experimenting."
My mouth hung open. "And those two men you just embarrassed the crap out of were what? The Guinea pigs in your little experiment?"
"Oh, get over yourself, Buzz; you act like I committed a personal crime against you." She looked at me and I just sat there like a stupid sheep.
Her smug expression turned horrified as she ran the scene over in her sleazy pea-brain. "Oh my God, Buzz, I am so sorry! J.J.–ah, I didn't know. Oh my–I would never had–I didn't mean–"
"Forget it. You proved your point so just–"
"Buzz, honest, I didn't mean–"
"Bullshit, Al. What exactly
did
you mean? What were you trying to prove? That you are still beautiful? That you can still turn a head, and make men drool? Embarrass childhood friends and turn them into blithering idiots? What could
possibly
be behind the motive for a stunt like that? And it
was
a stunt, wasn't it?"
A tear rolled silently down her face as she nodded, and the fight went out of me. Then I got pissed.
Really
pee-ahssssssed.
I jumped on the bed, got right in her face and grabbed her arms. "Al, listen to me! You are way too old to be acting like this. You were a pretty girl, and you are a beautiful woman. God gifted you with a wonderful brain, so use it! Grow up and get with the program, for God's sake. You're worth so much more than this. Aren't you embarrassed that Rosie the News Whore is your only friend anymore?"
Her eyes welled and I sighed in exasperation. "Do you even realize what you are missing in life, wasting it on stupid shit like this?"
I held up my hand when she opened her mouth. "And don't give me any crap because I'll let you in on a great secret. Do you remember Mom telling us over and over about beauty being only skin deep? Hate to be the one to tell you, but every word was true, pal, and I feel so sorry for you if you think your only gift is your face. What are you going to have left when the face goes? Because it will and don't you think for a second this is jealousy talking. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit. Use it. Use your damn brain!"
She stared at me for a long moment and her eyes narrowed. "You are incredible; you know that, don't you?"
Okay, here it comes,
"Yes," I deadpanned. "I am."
"No really, I mean it. You aren't the least bit jealous of me. You are just really pissed for me and at me, aren't you?"
"Yes, Al." I sighed, "I am."
"Well, I'll be darned, that's great."
"Huh? What do you mean?
What's
great? Al? Are you okay? I am pissed! If you think you can play whacko space cadet and I'll let it go, you're sadly mistaken, so straighten up or I'll blast you, I swear."
She smiled calmly and patted my arm. "No, I'm okay, Buzz. I sure am glad we talked. I'll apologize to Evo and J.J. Hey, do you want me to fix it with–"
"
Don't
fix a thing! Pretend nothing happened. Please."
"Okay," she said, and babbled on and on as if nothing happened. She began to fold Evo's clothes. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Can't hold a grudge, can't take back what she did. Slapping her was out of the question. She seems sincere enough. Staying pissed was only going to make my ulcer hurt. I sighed and went with the moment. Again. It was easy to pick up on the conversation Al was having with herself.
"…because we haven't done the matching shirt thing since we printed all those
Miller Sisters
T-Shirts at the fair and gave them to all our friends–well actually, they were your friends, and Fred's, and Mag's but it sure was fun. Remember that, Buzz?" I sat there in a trance, the nodding sheep all over again.
Al prattled on and I wondered where those young girls went. I thought back to all those kids we hung out with. We were more family than, well, family.
She laughed at a long ago memory and the out-of-body feeling I'd been experiencing faded. A picture of us all laughing came to mind. Geez, that was a long time ago.
She continued, as if I was an active participant in the conversation. "Remember Mag with the mud dripping off her nose? Remember us all paying our fifty cents just so we could squirt the water race man at the carnival?"
She belly-laughed at that, and I'd have had to have been dead not to remember. I allowed myself a small chuckle at the sight of the water race guy running for cover.
She rolled on the bed, kicking her legs in the air and laughed gleefully: either not knowing or not caring that I was not taking a sweet stroll down memory lane with her. "Remember when we toilet papered the squad car outside the commercial building? And then they got a call and had to jump in it and take off?"
I had to chuckle at that one, because we were under suspicion but never got caught. Totally at ease, Al dropped her towel and slid on the lavender T-shirt, babbling about God knows what.
Damn
.
Buzz, you have to quit cussing like this all the time
. Al looked stunning with all her clothes on, but I had to grudgingly admit she was a goddess in just her skin. Well, I thought with nasty satisfaction; at least I got it all over you in the bazoomba department you little home wrecker! Well, not exactly a home wrecker because we didn't have a home, or anything to wreck for that matter, but it was like she now knows my deepest, darkest secret and I was really pissed about that. I wasn't kidding when I said her best friend was none other than Rosie the News Whore.
Shit.
What if she told Rosie? Or worse, what if she told J.J.? What if J.J. found out in the classifieds next week? Crap, I'll think about that later–back to Al. Maybe I could croak her and dump the body…no, Mom would worry. For some reason she liked Al. But I forgive her because Mom likes everyone.
The flannel shirt hung on Al, but it would work. It didn't matter anyway.
Who would care but Al?
She grabbed up a pair of black sweats and pulled them on. She cranked the waist smaller with the attached strings, yanked the towel off her head, and helped herself to Evo's round brush. I grabbed a couple pair of extra-thick wooly socks, and we were stylin'.
Finished, she looked sideways in the mirror. She patted her hips. "Good thing I have the big ole Miller butt, or these babies would never stay up." She giggled. I sat stunned that my pain in the ass sister even knew
how
to giggle, let alone make fun of her own butt.
I gotta get out of here
.
She tied the flannel above her sweat pants and giggled again. I laughed at her giggle. She laughed because I did. We looked at each other and fell on the bed laughing until it hurt.
The bedroom door swung open and again, Evo, J.J. and Bob stood staring at us as if we were escapees from the cuckoo's nest.
We sat up and I pushed my wispy brown hair out of my eyes. "J.J. Evo. You're back. Bob, hey, how are you?"
"Good, Buzz, good. It's great to see you guys. I almost didn't make it–"
He froze and stared at the bed. I sighed.
Here we go again
.
I heard a muffled, "Bob?" from beside me. Al took about ten pounds of long strawberry blonde curls and whipped them over her shoulder in her best Rita Hayworth impersonation. The men all stared and no one said a word. All three men just stared and swallowed.
Oh hell, someone had better throw some cold water on them, but it wasn't going to be me this time. I got up and re-piled the clothes. "Thanks for the clothes, Evo; you're a lifesaver."
"Uh, er, yeah, okay. Any time."
I squared my shoulders and squeezed out the door. I wasn't quite ready for prime time, so I ducked into Fred's room and flopped into a chair at her vanity. Yes, Fred had a real live old fashioned vanity; complete with an antique brush set and a million little colorful perfume bottles. I sat staring at the woman in the mirror and thought.
J.J. once told me he hung out with me because I was the only girl he knew who wouldn't get crazy on him. He told me I was "comfortable, like family," that he felt safe with me.
Safe! The story of my life. I don't want to be safe, for God's sake. I want to be devastating for once. Sexy.
I looked in the mirror, and what looked back at me? Safe.
Crap.
I sighed. Oh well, at least I was something. I stuck my tongue out at my reflection in the mirror and gave me a razz-berry.
I listened as Al worked her crowd next door; directing all that raw sex at Bob.
I felt a little sad because all signs of Al the giggler were gone, and the cool, arrogant bitch was back, except her hair was a rat's nest and she wore (God forbid) flannel, wool, and no makeup. Even with puffy wool feet, she hid behind the cool princess façade she had worked so many years to perfect. Poor, FBI Bob. He tries so hard to be indifferent. She's going to have him for lunch. I just had to eavesdrop at the door.
"What brings you back, Bob? Come to play with the small town girls again?"
Bob answered, "The viper speakeths. Don't give me that crap, Alexandra; you've never been small town in your life."
"Tell me my sweet." I almost gagged. "Have you spent these weeks I've been away sharpening that nasty tongue of yours?"
"You know, you should wear no makeup more often. It gives you an almost human quality."
I peeked out the door and saw Al's face change in the mirror. I was just in time to see Al suddenly realize she wore flannel and wool, and no war paint.
Damn if I didn't feel sorry for her and ran across the hall to save face. I grabbed Al's hand and yanked her off the bed. We stood side-by-side, shoulders back. Nose in the air, I addressed J.J., Evo, and Bob. "Come, Al, we will away to where we are appreciated for our
inner
beauty."
I shoved Al out before me and glided across the room and struck a pose in the doorway, sliding along the jamb. "Later, dahlings." I slipped out the door. It must have worked because all we could hear as we clattered down the stairs was loud, loud laughter coming from Evo's room.
Figures
,
Al left them spellbound and I made 'em laugh… Shit.
21
A whirlwind of activity followed the Thanksgiving holiday. Being a consummate traveler, Evo orchestrated an almost hassle-free trip. I was one of the snags when I showed up at the rendezvous carrying two suitcases and wearing a pith helmet with a mosquito net, sunglasses, a tank top, a windbreaker, rain gear, gauntlet gloves, cargo pants, snake boots, and carrying a backpack filled with enough outdoor gear, toilet paper, freeze-dried food and bug spray to take a third world country on a camping trip to the Wisconsin Dells during monsoon season.