All hell broke loose. As the gun lifted away from my head, I pushed off of Mark and spun toward Mom. I focused on her panic-stricken face as she dropped the mayo jar she held in her hands. As my momentum lifted me off the ground I stupidly thought, Thank God that jar is plastic or I'll look like shredded cheese when we both hit the floor. I jumped for Mom and felt heat sear the arm on my bad side.
I saw Mark move in my peripheral vision and I hoped he was smart enough to drop to the floor and crawl out the door. With all my attention focused on Mom, I had no other thought but to put me between her and that gun.
I caught Mom around the waist in a flying tackle. I knocked her off her feet and she flew backward into the cart, and the man behind it. He hit the woman behind him, and the domino effect took out three more people. I wish I could say it was a neat and tidy scene straight from a heroic novel, but the ugly truth about reality is that when I dove for Mom, I took out the candy stand and the magazine rack, and the man behind us took out the sign and the end cap behind him.
The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous
suddenly exploded into a series of fountains that would have made Tommy Bartlett cry.
I simultaneously crushed my poor mother and felt a flash of heat across my temple. I looked up to see the man behind us still holding the top half of a bag of dog food; which now emptied onto my blazing head.
I heard people screaming and metal clanking as I attempted to see if I had flattened poor Mom into a pancake. My vision went fuzzy and my ears rang. I thought I heard another shot, and people screamed and scrambled for cover. I tried to see through the pain, and the feel of warm wetness rolling off my head registered faintly in my fogged up brain.
I sank into a bottomless pit. With the last vestige of consciousness, I shoved at the candy rack with my feet and felt it give way. Shaking the dog food from my eyes made the lights dim and my head swim. I still had a hand on Mom, and scooted backward, dragging her behind the rack.
Blood from my head wound seeped into my eyes and I blinked to clear them. When I opened them, all I saw was a fuzzy 400-pound woman in a bikini. It scared me almost as much as dying from a bullet wound. I thought I'd died and gone to Jenny Craig hell until I read
Aliens Made Me Fat!
and realized I stared at the headlines of a tabloid.
I heard more yelling and the report of a gun. The acrid sting of smoke and human sweat mingled with crushed lettuce and dog food. I knew I had to do something, but the hundred-pound weights that were my hands dragged me to the floor. I dropped behind the magazine rack once more.
The world ran in slow motion, but I couldn't do anything to speed it up. I felt like I was wading through one of Mom's Jell-O and cottage cheese salads and prayed this would not be my final thought before my demise. I struggled to stay conscious and felt an electric current shoot through my body when I saw J.J wrestling with the hit man.
Mark had hold of the hit man's gun hand and pointed it to the ceiling, squeezing off shot after shot, trying to empty the weapon. Panic ensued as people screamed and ran everywhere.
Suddenly, out of the chaos skulked Tom, creeping around Cash Register Number Three, behind Mark. When he stood, I noticed the plastic grocery bag in his right hand. Determination etched on his face, he gave the bag a mighty windmill swing straight toward the assassin's head.
The bag blasted into the hit man's nose, and the crunch of bone and cartilage as his nose collapsed echoed across the store. Reymundo stood stiff as an arrow.
J.J. slid off Reymundo's back landed on his feet. He pasted the guy right on his broken and bleeding nose. The hit man toppled like a mighty oak, and I figured the end of the mêlée drew near. I couldn't be sure because pain blasted through my head and traveled past my shoulders and out the bottoms of my feet. Blessed blackness gently wrapped its comforting blanket around me as I passed out among the Mounds Bars and Puppy Chow, waiting for the fat lady on the magazine cover to sing.
* * *
I came to minutes or hours later, the pain a roiling caldron in my head. I chanced a peek over the fat lady's ass and saw that the coast was clear. Mom stood with her arms around Mark as he sobbed onto her shoulder. J.J. had cuffs on the bad guy, who looked to me like he was still unconscious, lying face down on the floor. I tried to get my limbs to move, but even blinking took an Act of Congress.
Mary Cromwell stood next to Mom, gesturing largely and speaking with Rosie the News Whore. Rosie, dressed in nothing more than sweat pants and a sports bra, stood sweating and scribbling notes on an in-store coupon for deli meats.
Figures.
Tom held a can of canned pears in his hand and he grinned and pointed, his mouth moving, but I heard no sound.
Mom's voice blasted like a train whistle in my left ear. That's when I realized Mom sat on the floor with my head in her lap. "Tom, are you okay? What are you doing yelling about that can?"
Tom held up the can and said, "This is what I hit the bad guy with! I did much damage to his face with this one small can." He tossed the can into the air and caught it. He read the label. "It is a can of pears in h-heavy syrup. Can you believe one little can did so much damage?" He suddenly brightened and pointed to the label. "It must have been the heavy syrup."
My eyes rolled to the back of my head and I passed out.
32
It was a miracle that "Hard Case" Judge James Avery allowed Defense Attorney Tess Bannigan to talk him into a low-cash/ROR bond for Mark and Tom. It probably helped that it was an election year and they were local celebrities. It also helped that Evo hired the best Defense Attorney in the tri-county area to defend them.
At this time of year, most people are worried about Christmas shopping. Normal pastimes revolved around watching football, drinking beer, and complaining about the weather. The people of White Bass Lake could talk about nothing but the upcoming trial of Mark and Tom. Mark's new family even showed up to lend moral support–even Mark's first pair of tennis shoes showed up.
When interviewed by Rosie and her staff, Eli Moore claimed he and the missus were passing by a horseshoe tournament when someone threw a pair of shoes into the road, but they landed in the back of his cart instead. When he asked the folks at the tournament who they belonged to, they just laughed and laughed. By the time he sorted through all the misinformation, the owner of the shoes could not be found. He was here to return them to their rightful owner.
* * *
I don't remember much of my hospital stay, but I was told I had it pretty tough going for a couple of days. Now, two weeks later, I sat staring at one of Fred's fish tanks, watching the new Cory cat fish skitter up and down the glass. "So it ended up being the new strain of Cory catfish that were moved, Hank just added the Endlers as a cover crop. Good thinking on Hank's part, because the Endlers reproduce at such a rapid rate, it kept the Corys hidden. Later on he could claim he'd found the Endlers in the lagoon. Double payday."
Sam jumped in. "And that was a smart move because the real location of the Macroni would be kept secret so Hank would be the only one in the world to have them. Ian traced the Macroni to a remote oxbow lake in a dry tropical forest about a hundred kilometers away. Without Ian, I don't know if we would have figured out the fish angle."
Fred brought in more snacks. She shook her head. "The whole project went up in smoke when Chavez decided he wanted a cut of the action and blackmailed MacRone into transporting money from the illegal mining operation. Only Chavez didn't count on the heavy rains overflowing his leaching ponds and killing all those villagers, their animals and the fish in the lagoon."
Sam added, "Chavez also did not count on anyone discovering the mining operation. When Evo and Luis stumbled across that lagoon, they opened a huge can of worms."
Evo shrugged. "Worms? Better to fish with, I suppose."
Sam elbowed Evo in the side. "Ha-ha, very funny. Hey, I heard Nunez offered you a vice presidency in his conglomerate and an even more insane salary than you already have." Sam turned to him and grabbed his tie. "I also heard that you had a major malfunction and turned him down. Why on earth would you do that?"
"Oh, I didn't exactly turn him down; I told him I'd have to think on it, as I would be very busy for the next few months."
"Busy? What could keep you so busy?"
"Well, I told him I planned on getting married, and then there would be an extended honeymoon, and then my new wife and I would have to decide in which direction life would take us. Then, depending on what we decided, I'd let him know."
Sam blanched. "You're getting
married?"
"Why yes, we are."
She gulped.
"We?"
"Us? The Gallegos brothers hugged each other. Alfredo said, "I always wanted to see Niagara Falls."
Tony laughed. "I'll take you to the Wisconsin Dells. I hear it's pretty cool."
"Do they have ice cream?"
Tony placed an arm across the shoulders of the brothers and quietly led them from the room. "A lot of ice cream, as a matter of fact. Some come in 31 flavors, some come in dots, and some freeze dried. I have some upstairs, why don't we check it out?"
* * *
The courtroom was standing room only as the sentencing hearing began.
Tom and Mark stood in front of Judge Avery. He furrowed his bushy white eyebrows and cleared his throat. He looked sternly at Tom and Mark before he.
"Ladies and gentlemen, at the request of the defense, the defendants chose not to go with a jury trial, which is their right under the Sixth Amendment. The defendants opted instead to enter into a plea bargain, to which the District Attorney and the Defense Counsel has agreed upon, am I correct Counsel?"
The D.A., Andy Doolittle nodded. "Yes, your honor."
Judge Avery scowled at Tess Bannigan, seated at the defense table. She nodded and said, "Yes, your honor."
Avery leveled a look at Mark and Tom. "And you gentlemen? Do you understand your rights, your crimes, and the consequences thereof?"
They answered in unison, "Yes, your honor."
We held our breaths. Judge Avery sat back. He blew out a long sigh and steepled his fingers. "Well then, by the power vested in me by the State of Wisconsin, I do hereby hand down my findings. On count one, reckless endangerment by use of a motor vehicle; the defendants plead guilty. The recommendations by the State are for one year in prison and three years stayed upon successful completion of three years of parole. Upon violation, parole will be revoked, and the three years in prison will be re-instated." He looked at Tess, Tom, and Mark. "Is this the agreement as you understand it?" They nodded, and Tess said, "Yes, your honor."
Judge Avery took off his half-glasses and leaned on both elbows. "Now, I find myself with a little problem with this agreement." He waved a piece of paper in the air. "Would counsel approach the bench please?"
Tess looked stricken. She glanced at us before she squeezed Tom and Mark's hands and approached the bench.
"Ahem, that means you too, Andy." The prosecutor started, tucked his tie in his jacket, and followed Tess to the bench.
"Oh no, I can't stand this," I whispered as I gripped J.J.'s arm. He patted my hand and held on to it. "It ain't over 'til it's over, Buzz. We did all we could for them."
Judge Avery seemed to talk for a half hour before he sat back and shooed Tess and Andy back to their tables. Andy stayed a few more seconds, and Judge Avery murmured to him in low tones.
Tess turned back to the table with a stunned expression on her face, not looking anyone in the eye. She walked stiff-legged back to the Defense table and sat between Mark and Tom. The three heads bent together and I could hear Tess's voice murmuring to Mark and Tom. They suddenly sprang back from Tess and sat ramrod straight in their chairs. They both stared straight ahead–not moving a muscle.
"Oh crap. J.J., this is not good. He's going to slam them, I just know it."
"Shhh.
Are you getting a feeling about this?" He patted my knee.
I blinked, surprised. "No. That's gotta be a good sign, right?"
The crowd murmured and Judge Avery pounded his gavel.
District Attorney Andy Doolittle spun away from Judge Avery and walked back to his table. He picked up the papers on the table and stacked them in a neat pile front of him. He folded his hands on top and stared forward. I felt like throwing up.
The courtroom was silent as Judge Avery's voice rang out from the bench. "I have an unusual case before me today. The defendants have admittedly committed crimes against the State. They have entered into a plea agreement, of which I no longer agree. I have received in writing from the Governor of the State of Illinois a dismissal of all charges of murder one."
The room sucked in a collective breath. Judge Avery continued as he read. "In lieu of the acts of heroism and the extenuating circumstances surrounding the accidental death of serial killer Buddy Ray Levi, The State of Illinois and the Federal Government no longer see fit to proceed with charges against the defendants."
There was another collective gasp and all fell silent again.