Authors: Sarah White
Leah
The coffee shop just off campus is buzzing with students as I sit and nurse my heartbreak with a strong cup of coffee. A few familiar faces have caught my gaze, but when they see the swollen eyes and blotchy red face, they mostly just look away. I appreciate them giving me my privacy. I watch out the window as people go through their day, completely unaware of how mine has fallen apart.
Lyle’s early arrival caused a kink in the plan, which led to this horrible chain of events. I take a sip of my too-hot coffee and tuck a strand of wayward hair behind my ear. What the hell do I do now?
I’ve thought of calling my old roommates to help talk me through it, but I haven’t picked up the phone. Once, they were my first line of defense, the women I shared everything with. They knew me almost as well as they knew themselves, but that isn’t true any longer. Noah had become my best friend these last few weeks and as sad as this whole situation is, it’s made worse by the fact that I miss that friendship as much as I miss the physical attraction.
A small black sports car pulls up outside the coffee shop and I watch as the driver parks between two other cars. I take in the sleek paint job and the stuffed college mascot hanging dangerously from the rear view mirror, and my eyes lock on the wheels as they hypnotically roll back and forth before finally coming to a stop.
I admire the driver’s cute little slip-on shoes as she walks steadily in the direction of the coffee shop. Her jeans don’t grab my attention at first, but then something about them strikes me as familiar. My stomach knots and I brace myself as my eyes move upward and I recognize the blouse she is wearing. Of course this is happening to me; today is the worst day of my life.
Mandy hops up onto the curb and slides her sunglasses to the top of her head as she opens the door. I curse under my breath and try to sink lower in my booth. I listen as she orders her coffee and then I hear the click of those damn cute flats as she walks toward the pick-up area. When the clicking comes to a stop, I turn my head in her direction and our eyes meet.
She looks shocked to see me at first, but then her face softens and she gives me a half-hearted smile. I want to hate her, but this isn’t her fault. I smile back briefly and then go back to staring out the window at the world just beyond my pain. I try to pretend that she isn’t slipping into the booth across from me, but of course I have to face her.
“So, this morning was a bit rough,” she ventures. Her fingers fidget with her coffee and she can’t look me in the eyes. If this sucks for both of us, I’m not sure why she has to sit across from me—there are lots of other tables in here.
“Definitely wasn’t my brightest morning,” I acknowledge. I take another sip from my cup and go back to looking out the window.
“Look, I need to tell you something about last night,” she says. I shake my head no but keep my eyes locked on the people outside.
“It’s not my business,” I answer. If she gets into any detail I might lose what little of this coffee I’ve been able to drink.
“I’m not sure who you think you’re kidding,” she states boldly. My eyes snap to hers and she quickly holds up her hands in surrender. “I’m not being a bitch; I’m being honest. You look as miserable as Noah did this morning. Maybe you two don’t want to admit your feelings to each other, but let me tell you they’re pretty obvious to anyone on the outside.” She takes a sip of her coffee and leans back in the booth.
When I don’t say anything she continues, “Nothing happened last night. I know it looked awful, but we didn’t sleep together. We didn’t even sleep in the same bed. It’s not my proudest moment, but you need to know he turned me down.” I resist the urge to lean across the table and throw my arms around her. Instead, I take a deep breath and feel the tightness in my chest loosen.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because he’s miserable. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look as bad as he did after you left this morning. He didn’t remember any of last night, which is why he didn’t tell you himself.” I nod my head, dizzy with relief.
“Thank you.”
Mandy slides out of the booth and stands, coffee in hand. “He’s a stubborn ass. I can tell from the way you two are acting that he’s undeniably
your
stubborn ass now.” With that, she turns and leaves the shop. I watch her as she climbs back into her shiny car and pulls away from the curb.
I sit and finish my cup, my head reeling. I need to go back to my place and face Noah. I’m dying to tell him about ending things with Lyle. In my fairytale fantasy that’s all it will take for him to ask me to stay, but I need to remind myself that just because he turned Mandy down doesn’t mean he’s in love with me. There could be a million reasons why last night played out the way it did.
The walk home is a bit dreary. The rain clouds have rolled in and a light breeze has begun to rustle the leaves in the ancient trees along campus. I love rainy days, but I can’t help but wonder if the rainclouds moving in are an omen for what’s to come.
I take the steps two at a time and quickly find myself at Noah’s doorstep. I knock instead of using my key and nervously wait for him to answer. My heart sinks when he doesn’t materialize, and I’m left wondering what I should do. Reaching inside my purse, I pull out my key and put it in the lock. I hate that this doesn’t feel within my rights anymore.
The front door creaks open and I step inside. He’s tidied up, but otherwise the place looks just as I left it. I wondered if Noah might box up my things, or at least gather them into a corner until I could get them out of his way. I pull my phone out of my purse and check the time. He should be here, but the place is empty.
I set my purse down and make my way to his bedroom, thinking I should at least start collecting my stuff in case our talk doesn’t go well. I might know the truth about Mandy and him, but I still hurt him last night when I left with Lyle. It would serve me well to remember that he might want to put some distance between us.
The first thing I notice in his room is his neatly made bed. Right in the center of it, there is a DVD case with a note stuck to it.
Leah,
Please watch.
Noah
With a shaky hand I pick up the case and tuck it under my arm. I don’t feel like I can sit and watch it here, so I gather a few more of my belongings and take the load back to my apartment.
When I finally get situated in front of my TV, I open the case and see that this is the last couple in Noah’s study. The finality of it guts me. After this, he won’t need me any longer. I pop the DVD from the case and slide it into the player. When the couple is displayed on the screen in front of me, I feel myself leaning toward their image. They settle into their places for the interview.
At once, I know there is something different about this session. The woman sits in the middle of the couch and her partner sits right beside her. He draws her hand into his and places their entwined hands on his lap. She smiles up at him and he leans in to kiss her forehead.
Noah is the counselor, and his voice makes my heart ache for him. He goes through the script like he has so many times and I mouth the words along with him absently. I teeter on the edge of my seat when he leaves the floor open for the couple to share their experience in therapy and plans for the future. I’ve long given up hope that I will see a couple pull through in such a loving way, but there it is on the large screen in front of me.
The woman squeezes her partner’s hand and smiles. She addresses Noah. “We’ve been doing a lot of talking lately. Thank you for helping us learn to listen to each other.” Her eyes meet her partner’s. “We have so much history between us.” The man smiles brightly at her, rubbing his finger along the back of her hand.
Noah asks, “Marty, could you tell me a little about what Stephanie has been sharing?” Marty looks to Noah for the briefest of minutes before turning his gaze back to Stephanie.
“It’s kind of interesting, really. She just wants me to stop being negative about our future. I hadn’t realized I was doing it, but once she started nicely pointing out all the times I had us set up to fail without even trying, I started seeing how right she was.” The couple laughs a little.
“So Stephanie,” Noah prompts, “Tell me how it feels to have him listen to you and consider what your needs are.”
“It’s like a light went on. Suddenly I wasn’t frustrated and wanting to leave. I felt like it mattered to Marty to make this better. That was important. I also felt like it was okay to start considering some of his fears, too.” When Noah doesn’t speak she continues. “I always considered him to be a pessimist, but he told me that he just wanted to be ready when things got difficult between us. He helped me understand that hiding from the negatives in a relationship didn’t make them go away. Now he shares his fears and we can talk about them.”
Noah’s voice is sure as he reflects, “Sounds like you’ve changed your perspective on his comments. They’ve been reframed from negative thoughts to helpful considerations.” Marty and Stephanie both nod and smile. The energy between them radiates through the screen. The mood of the session is exciting instead of depressing and though I can’t see him onscreen, I have no doubt that Noah can feel the shift, as well.
“We want to make this work,” Stephanie says.
“That’s great news. Now as you know, our time together has come to an end, but I will give you the names of three other therapists so you can continue your work together. The back of Noah’s body is visible as he stands and the couple follows suit. He shakes their hands and writes the information on the back of his business card. As they leave, Marty puts his hand on Stephanie’s lower back and helps to guide her out the door.
When the session ends and the screen goes black, I find myself choked up and grinning like a fool with the budding hope that this couple has beat the odds and is going to be okay. The screen goes fuzzy with snow just as I hear a soft knock at my door.
Noah
My heart races in my chest as I stand outside Leah’s apartment. I tell myself to knock lightly, even though I feel desperate to see her again. If my plan has worked out, she’s seen the video already. I’m hoping she felt the same way about the session as I did. My heart crawls farther up into my throat with each second it takes her to answer the door.
The sound of the latch being turned causes my stomach to flip. I exhale a big breath and try to calm my nerves. When she finally pulls the door open, the sight of her is almost enough to bring me to my knees.
“Leah, I’m so sorry.” I close the distance between us, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her to me as tightly as I can. I tuck my face into the crook of her neck, but only feel relief when she lifts her arms to encircle me.
“I’m sorry too, Noah.” I don’t want to let her go, even for a minute. We stand in her doorway wrapped up in each other until I finally hear her chuckle against my neck. “You’re going to have to let me go.” I smile as I release her. I hear the static from the TV behind her and know that she must have finished watching the session. Thank goodness something has gone right for me today.
“Please come home.” I reach down and take her hand in mine, willing her to agree. She smiles up at me and I tug her from her apartment and into mine. I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier in my life.
There is no question where I’m taking her as she follows me into the kitchen. I turn to face her and lift her up onto her spot on the counter. I’m finally making things right in my world. I brush my lips across hers. Her hands rest softly on my cheeks as I gently press kisses to her lips. “I didn’t sleep with Mandy last night.”
“I know,” she says with a smile as she leans forward and plants a sweet kiss on my mouth. “I ended things with Lyle. There was never any doubt in my mind from the first time I fell asleep in your arms. He didn’t have my heart anymore.” Her words are like water when I’m dying of thirst. I soak them up and revel in the way they refresh and heal me.
“Now what?” I ask, knowing that I will willingly agree to anything she answers, as long as it involves us being together. She smiles and I can’t help myself; before she can even speak I wrap my arms around her and pull her back into my chest, unable to resist kissing her brilliant, beautiful head again and again. She laughs and gently pushes me away.
“Now, Noah, we make dinner.” I was hoping she would say that. I reluctantly step away from her and begin pulling out the pots and pans. I reach into the cupboard for two glasses and then pull out the bottle of wine I purchased with this week’s groceries. I fill the glasses and hand one to her. There is a peace about this moment as we stand in our kitchen, drunk on love and ready to fight for it.
We spend the next hour talking about anything and everything as we prepare the food. Together we wash and chop and stir, stealing kisses in between. She’s right where I want her to be and I’m willing to be wherever she needs me. Our chemistry here is as great as it is in our friendship. I can’t tell where she ends and I begin.
When the food has been cooked and our dinner is finished, we sit at the table and drink our wine. I fall in love with her a little more each time she smiles or reaches across the table to touch me. When she moves to clear the table, I stop her, reaching my hand across to take hers. I lean forward to take her lips with mine. “I have something for you. Let me get it.”
Leah smiles and playfully muses, “A surprise?” before I let go of her hand. When I thought I had lost her today it dawned on me that I had never told her how I felt, and that no matter what happened, it was something I wanted her to know.
It’s taken years to repair my heart, and even longer to rebuild the ability to love someone new. That time has come and it feels so right. I reach into my briefcase and pull out a small, flat, rectangular package, taking a second to calm my nerves before I present it to Leah. I hope she understands what this means to me.
I take the seat across from her again and hold the giftwrapped package out to her. “Do you remember when we had the conversation about the map?” I see the recognition in her bright eyes as she nods her head. “You wanted to know what I would do if someone had no idea where they were.” She is leaning forward in her chair with her chin propped on her hand, hanging on each word I say.
“I told you that I would tell that person to look around for the signs. I’d want them to realize they had known where they were the whole time, but had been afraid to admit it.”
“I remember,” she says.
I hand her the package. She takes it from me gently and with great caution. As she unties the ribbon I continue, “I’m not saying I was wrong—that would still be my advice—but now I can see that I was in need of that same direction. It took me weeks to realize that as lost as I felt, I knew exactly how I got where I was.”
Leah slides the ribbon off and unwraps the gift paper. Her eyes meet mine with curiosity when she finds a map inside. I nod, urging her on, and she begins to unfold it. This is the moment my life changes.