Touch Me There (35 page)

stools, (e.g., due to stress, diet, constipation, or diarrhea). An enema involves introduction of water or a liquid solution into the rectum to flush out the anal canal, colon, and rectum, removing fecal matter and stimulating bowels. It is a particularly good idea to have one if you’re planning for a lot of anal play and for acts involving the use of larger sex toys or fisting. Showering before and after sex, and rinsing out the anus during both of these showers can also help to make the experience cleaner.

• Engage in lots of foreplay. Work as many hot spots as needed, espe- cially the clitoris or penis, to get your engines revved and to allow you to loosen up and become more involved in the moment. Think about it: Professional athletes, despite being tops in their field, al- ways warm up prior to a competition. They know that they need to do so in order to prevent injury and perform better. Translate this idea to anal sex: Even the anal-sex pros require pregame preparation and action for it to become a fulfilling, enjoyable, successful experi- ence.
  
• Realize that with anal play, especially anal sex, proficiency will take time. You’re not going to master it all at once. You might not even like it the first couple of times you try it depending on whatever is- sues you’re grappling with or how unstimulating or disastrous the experience may prove to be if something goes wrong. Try to look at your anal-sex venture as you did learning how to ride a bike or tie your shoes. If you were like most children, you probably didn’t ace it on the first try or two, but you got better and better with time and practice. Anal sex is probably going to take several attempts before both partners are comfortable with it and execute it with fluidity.
  

  Furthermore, if you’re the top partner (the thrusting partner), don’t give your partner a tough time about not delivering a porn star’s per- formance; this will only squelch efforts, especially if you’re unwilling to take it in the ass yourself.
  

• Consider using a latex or polyurethane condom. This will not only protect you from sexually transmitted infections like HIV, but in general it will also keep things cleaner and make things easier.
  
  • Use lube—and lots of it. The rectum provides no natural lubrication and is surrounded by fairly tight muscles. It needs extra moisture for penetration to be a comfortable experience. When shopping for an anal lube, know that brands like Anal-Eze and Tushy Tamer contain an ingredient, benzocaine, that numbs the area. Don’t be fooled into thinking that this effect will necessarily make things easier or more comfortable; rather, a person will simply feel fewer sensations, whether they are pleasurable or unpleasurable. This can be danger- ous because pain receptivity is crucial during anal sex in order to gauge potential damage. Anal lubes worth trying include Astroglide, ID Glide, Probe Thick, Maximus, Eros Gel, and Wet Platinum. Ex- periment with some or all of them to find out which qualities you like best—thickness, water-based vs. silicone-based, etc.
    
  • Before engaging in manual play, make sure your nails are free of jagged edges or torn cuticles, both of which can tear the rectal lining. If you have long nails, stuff a cotton ball into each fingertip of a glove to prevent poking and harming the anal lining.
    
  • Relax. Relax. Relax. Breathe fully and deeply for ten to fifteen min- utes, not only to calm your nerves, but also to release the stress and tension that you may be holding in your buttocks. Use this as an op- portunity to get into touch with your body and to bring yourself down from everything that may have you wound up. Use visualiza- tion or meditation to calm yourself. One useful technique is to envi- sion a positive rehearsal of the sex act. When it comes to actually getting physical, start with finger penetration, which should help to relax the anal sphincter muscle. Also, note that with first penetra- tion, the initial sphincter muscle will start to spasm. Try to stay re- laxed, breathing deeply, instead of giving into the desire to clench the anal opening.
    
  • Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. This is an absolute must during anal sex! Ask your partner how she or he is doing. Ask for instruction. Give direction, saying, for example, “Slow down,” “Go deeper,” or “Try less.” Let your partner know if something feels good or painful. Let your lover know what you want. When it comes to anal sex, silence should not be interpreted as golden.
    
    • Make sure you’re with a partner you can trust, and make sure that both of you trust the power dynamic. Given all of the power bestowed upon the thrusting partner, they can experience quite an unexpected head trip in feeling dominant and in complete control, especially during an act that some find more demeaning than other sex acts.
      

      If you’re the top partner, make sure that you don’t get carried away with your role, which can hurt your partner both emotionally and physically (due to the tearing of tissue that sometimes accompanies rough play).
      

    • Stop if you feel pain. Your body tells you if it is being damaged, so listen to it.
      
    • When your partner tells you to stop, don’t withdraw too quickly, since this can cause damage to the rectal tissue and lining.
      
    • Practice ahead of time on your own. Becoming familiar with your anal area will make it much easier to engage in such pleasures with a partner and will help you know what to expect so that you can better communicate your needs and likes. During masturbation, take the time to “warm up” your anal opening, which prepares it to accept something (which is the opposite of the activity it’s used to: expel- ling). You can use your fingers or a sex toy and simply take your time exploring what feels good, what causes discomfort, and what works best for you (e.g., in terms of your preferred brand of lubricant).
      

Sexual Health Considerations

Even at its safest, anal penetration can cause minute tears in the rectal tissue, giving any virus like HIV, genital warts, chlamydia, genital her- pes, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, syphilis, or gonorrhea an opportunity to spread. Using a latex condom consistently and correctly every time you have sex helps to prevent the transmission of HIV, chlamydia, hepatitis C, and gonorrhea, plus it reduces the chances of spreading genital warts, genital herpes, and syphilis. It’s important to realize, however, that con- doms with stimulating textures on the outside (e.g., studded or ribbed ones) may cause abrasions or irritation to the rectal tissue and may also cause discomfort to your partner. Furthermore, be careful not to use any condoms with nonoxynol-9, which can irritate the rectal lining, making

it easier for HIV to get into the bloodstream. Polyurethane condoms, in- cluding the female condom, which are essentially plastic sheaths, are an- other option, especially if you’re allergic to latex. These barrier methods are not, however, as effective as latex; the female condom has never been scientifically tested or proven for safety during anal sex.

Know that anal-oral contact puts you at risk for all of the STIs, plus hepatitis A. Using a dental dam, a condom, a glove that has been cut open into a sheet of latex, or a sheet of nonmicrowaveable Saran wrap over the anus before stimulating it with your mouth will help reduce any risk of transmission.

To reduce the chance of infection during manual stimulation, espe- cially if you have cuts or sores on your hand, or simply to keep things cleaner, use latex gloves. For those with latex allergies, know that gloves also come in vinyl, nitrile, or neoprene.

Lastly, never insert a penis, finger, or toy into the vagina after anal sex unless a new condom is being used or the penis, finger, or toy has been washed thoroughly. Bacteria from the rectum can cause vaginitis if intro- duced into the vagina.

Oral Action for Anal Pleasuring

Whereas in most chapters on the various hot spots I’ve usually presented finger action before oral action, in the case of the anus, oral stimulation may actually be a better warm-up to help lovers become comfortable with the anus and ease into penetration play. Many people, intentionally or not, hit the anal area with their mouth and tongue when stimulating the perineum, so analingus isn’t much of a stretch when considering getting into backdoor pleasures.
Analingus,
also known as rimming, is stimula- tion of the anus by the mouth and tongue. In performing analingus, a lover will kiss, nibble, suck, and lick the area of the anal opening, but- tocks, and perineum using either an up/down or circular motion, moving along the butt crease, flicking a hardened tongue across the area, or thrusting into the anal opening with the tongue. French kissing the anal opening is another approach, during which you can also drag the inner lining of your bottom lip across the anal area for a dramatic effect.

The anus can be massaged with the tongue to stimulate the nerves of the area’s muscles. Using your tongue, you can make a figure eight around

your partner’s anus and testicles or anus and vaginal opening. Make sure to do so slowly and purposefully.

Finger Action for Anal Pleasuring

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EXERCISE 11.1:
Slip Inside

1. Get in the mood! Wine and dine each other, fool around with other hot spots, and build anticipation by knowing what’s to come.
   
2. Massage the inner thighs, genitals, and butt cheeks. This will help to increase blood flow, making the whole area more charged and ready for sex play.
   
3. Using a lubricant, moisten the bottom (receiving) partner’s anal opening.
   
4. Using a well-lubed finger, touch the opening. As the anus relaxes, slip your finger inside, just up to the first knuckle, resting for a few moments as the anus gets used to having a foreign object inside of it. (Note: Depending on how tight your partner is, you may want to start with your pinkie finger rather than a larger one.)
   
5. Check in with your lover to make sure that they are breathing deeply.
   
6. As the sphincter muscles relax, and as your partner exhales, slowly and gently slip your finger farther inside, maintaining pressure against the front rectal wall.
   

   

   

   

   If your partner experiences pain at any point, try slowly withdrawing and adding more lubricant or stop penetration and simply keep the fin- ger in place to see if the pain subsides. If size is an issue, you can try using a smaller finger or toy. If these suggestions don’t work, stimulate other hot spots to take things back a step or stop entirely and simply relax together.
   

7. When your partner is comfortable, begin to move your finger in and out in a thrusting motion, checking with your lover about the feel- ings caused by the depth, speed, and pressure of your action.