Touched by a Phoenix (9 page)

“Alexandria, please…please…give me a minute to think. You took me by surprise—ah hell, forget the surprise, you just blew my mind.”

“Brad, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I had planned a convincing argument, but when you told me to just spit it out, I got nervous. I’m good at work and especially in court, but I’ve never been very good at life. I don’t expect an answer right now, but will you please think about it?”

Each lost in their own thoughts, silence fell softly around them. He wanted her, but damn, this was not part of the plan. Finally, Brad spoke, “Let me see if I can get this straight.” He took a deep breath, “We go to this clinic—together, right?”

“Yes.”

“Do we do this together?”

“Oh no, we go to separate rooms.”

“I was afraid you would say that,” with a smug smile, he thought it would be interesting to choreograph some illicit sexual scene that she must agree to in order to accomplish her goals. Dammit, it would serve her right for even asking such a ludicrous question. In the meantime, he was going to make her suffer. “So I go into a room by myself, find something to think about and masturbate, right?”

Redness crept up her chest and into her face as she replied, “Yes, I guess so. I think they provide magazines.”

Brad burst into laughter—laughter that made his entire body shake. “What do I masturbate into?”

“A cup of some sort.”

“A what?”

“Brad, I don’t know, I just know it’s a cup.”

“Once I’m finished, what happens?”

“A nurse gathers the sperm and prepares it for the procedure.”

“Oh so I will have company, just not yours?”

“God no, that’s disgusting.”

“No Alexandria, it’s not. That is perfectly normal. What you are asking for is perfectly abnormal. You are supposed to conceive a child with someone you love, someone who loves you. Part of the fun of creating a child is making love until it happens.”

The blush rose from her breast up to her cheeks, betraying her inexperience. He wondered if she had even been with a man before. Ah hell, she must be pushing thirty; of course, she has had lovers and judging by the way men watched her, probably more than one.

“What procedure?”

She signed in exasperation. This was not going as well as she had hoped. “The doctor will place or inject the sperm into…well, you know.”

A deep rumbling laughter filled the air, echoing above the ocean waves as flashes of how that might occur flooded his senses. “With what, a turkey baster?”

“Oh my God no, not with a turkey baster,” she said, in a high-pitched voice.

“Well then how?”

“They will use a flexible tube of some sort, you idiot,” she yelled.

“You do realize there’s an easier way, right? Which is by far more enjoyable, I might add,” his smug expression relayed sexual confidence.

By now, a few people at the end of the pier were watching intently. They had drawn more than a little attention to their deep but very public conversation.

“Okay, calm down. You asked me to think about it, but before I can think about it, I need to understand it. I’m trying to make sense of it all.”

A huge sigh of relief washed over Alexandria. The small glimmer of hoped caused her heart to jump. He was going to think about it! She might actually be able to keep a small part of him with her forever—a boy, she wanted a little boy.

“So how long does it take to find out if you’re pregnant?”

“A few days to a week, from what I understand.”

“And what happens if you don’t get pregnant?”

“Well, we would try again until the results were positive.”

“And how many times will it take?”

“Well, perhaps several.” She peeked up at him sheepishly.

The stunned expression on his face gave way to potential panic. “Define several.”

“Well, it might take three, four, five, or six times, I don’t know,” she said in a quick rush.

“
What?
You mean I might have to masturbate six times in the clinic.”

“No…yes, oh Brad, I don’t know, but I would assume that might be a possibility.”

“Dammit Alexandria, you’re a lawyer, why didn’t you write a contract of some sort. I’d be at your beckon call. We’d make love until you get pregnant and then we’d go our separate ways!” Reality set in; he wanted her, and he wanted her desperately. Alexandria had shown him his worth reflected in her eyes; he was sure that she was the secret to his awakening. He would give her a child; but it would be his way, and with every gesture, every touch…he would give her pleasure. Somehow, he’d find a way to bring forth the secrets she hid and loose himself within them—within her.

“Alexandria, do you realize what you are asking of me? This is not the way I had planned on becoming a father.”

“Yes Brad, I do realize what I am asking. And you are right, it is a lot to ask of anyone, but there’s no one I trust more than you.”

“Alexandria, I don’t know what to say. I’m flattered, honored, and blown away all at the same time.”

“I understand. It’s a lot to absorb, which is why I suggested you take some time to think about it.”

“If, and I said
if,
I agree, when would you want to do this?”

“Oh, it would be several months before we start the process.”

“There’s that several again…define several for me.”

“Well,” she said sheepishly, “there are things that need to occur first.”

“Like what?”

“There are a few tests that need to be done to make sure we are both healthy and—and things that I need to do in order to prepare.”

“I am perfectly healthy and my little soldiers are marching just fine,” he growled, “so, I’m going to repeat myself. Like what?”

“Oh for the love of God Brad, I need to be off birth control for about six months prior to getting started.”

An earsplitting grin spread across his face. She was truly embarrassed. He knew what she meant, he just wanted her to say it. Dammit, he was not going to let her be the only one to torture someone tonight! If he had to think about masturbation, she needed to think about things as well. Preferably something equally as uncomfortable!

“Brad, all I’m asking is for you to think about my request.”

“All right Alexandria, I will consider your request, but before I agree, I want the truth. I want to know why you believe this is your only option,” he probed more gruffly than he meant to.

Alexandria stirred a deep yearning in him; he was both amused and horrified by her question. Oh, he had thought about bedding her, but not about becoming a father to her child—or any child, not to mention an absentee father at that. He didn’t think he could stomach giving another child that kind of life; he lived it and swore he would not put a child through similar pain.

“Brad, I…,” she paused, “would you mind if I walked out to the end of the pier for a few minutes before we leave? I need to collect my thoughts, and you need to calm down.”

“No, of course not, you go right ahead.” He needed another drink. “I’ll join you shortly.”

He called for the waiter, “Another please and bring me the check.”

Alexis reached the end of the pier. She had been to San Diego nearly a half dozen times with Brad, but this trip—this trip changed everything. If only she had kept Brad at arms-length, none of this would be happening. She had made a complete mess of things. Brad constantly took her by surprise and more often than not in some of the most pleasant ways. This afternoon had been wonderful in so many ways.

Her demigoddess leapt for joy. “You kissed him and you liked it.”

“So what? It was just a kiss. Nothing more will come of it, I can’t let it.”

“Why not? He is so incredibly hot!”

“Because…you know why,” Alexandria scowled back at her.

“He is driving you crazy and you know it.”

“What if…what if he wanted…more?” Alexandria stammered.

“And girl…your point is?”

“I cannot give him more,” Alexandria screamed at her.

“But you want to,” smiling back at her.

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes you do and don’t even pretend to lie to me like that.”

“No, I do not…now stop it and go away.”

“You want a baby, and not just any baby, you want his baby.” Demi paused for a moment, “Oh my God…you are falling for him!”

“Shut up and go away!” Alexandria screamed.

After Brad had settled the tab, he turned to see Alexandria leaning against the rail at the end of the pier. The sun shimmered behind her like a golden curtain. The full spectrum of colors rippled across the water, vivid colors of pink, purple, and reds with hints of orange and indigo spreading randomly across the evening sky. It was the most exquisite sunset he had ever seen and she was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on.

For the first time in many years, his conscious appeared. His little devil leaned cockily against his neck on his left, and his angel sat humbly on the right.

“You know you want her, just take her, and be done with it. She is driving you crazy man, just do it, and get her out of your system!”

His angel waited patiently for the devil to finish spewing his load of garbage before he spoke. He advised softly. “Brad, Alexandria is worth more than all the wealth you could ever possess. One night with her will never be enough; she just might be the one.”

His conscious continued the battle. He barely heard either side of the argument; the most lovely creature commanded his undivided attention.

“Have you lost your mind? Why would you want one woman for the rest of your life when you can have many?”

The angel argued, “There is something special about her, something that could be everlasting.”

The angel struck a chord deep within his soul. A deep yearning welled within him, a longing he had long since buried. Whoever captured her heart would be one lucky man.

He strode across the pier with a purposeful stride…towards the one person who might save him from himself. As he reached her, he murmured, “Alexandria.”

“I was admiring the sunset. Are you ready to leave?” she asked. She hoped not, as the sunset was magnificent.

“Not yet. You appear to be enjoying the sunset, why don’t we enjoy it together?” He stepped up to the railing beside her and placed both forearms on the railing. The sunsets were striking this week; the colors were more vivid than he remembered seeing before. Maybe he had just been too busy to notice, but with Alexandria, it was easy to slow down and enjoy the moment.

“Brad, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have surprised you like that,” she said softly.

“And I’m sorry for overreacting. For now, let’s just enjoy the sunset.” He reached out to brush a stray curl from her face.

As the last bit of sun faded from the sky, he quietly asked, “Alexandria, I do have one more question if you don’t mind.”

She turned to face him and rolled her eyes with exasperation. “If you must…but you have exceeded your limit,” she teased playfully.

“You are an absolutely stunning woman.” Her entire body tensed, and his brain told him to stop, but his desire to know the truth would not allow him to. “Why is there no ring on your finger?”

He saw a flurry of emotions cross her face. “It’s none of your damn business!”

She turned on her heel. “Take me back to the hotel now,” she demanded.

He reached to grab her arm, but she moved quicker than he expected. Her brisk walk was nearly a full run. He chased after her knowing he hit a nerve and a raw one at that. When he reached her, she had already gotten into the car and sat stiffly.

He slid into his seat and started the engine. As the car sat in idle, he turned in the seat so he could look at her. The color had drained from her face; she was ashen as if she had turned to stone. “Alexandria, it was not my intent to upset you, I am so sorry.”

When she turned to meet his eyes, he saw a zombie. A cold emptiness as if she had experienced and lost a precious love and the pain had shut down her soul.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she snapped.

Not knowing what else to say or do, he turned in his seat and began driving.

Chapter Four

S
he bolted upright
in bed, covered in sweat, and shaking violently.

Violent images from the past haunted her—so real this time. She ran to the bathroom and vomited. The coolness of the marble floor felt good against her overheated flesh, as she laid her head against the tub until her stomach stopped retching.

She needed to escape…but where? It didn’t matter. She just had to get out of this room. Shaken and sweaty, she washed her face and brushed her teeth.

She changed out of damp PJs, slipped into something warm, and hurried from the room. The elevator descended to the lobby.

Where to?…the pool.

Brad had no idea how long he sat on the balcony thinking about Alexandria’s reactions this evening. Her request lingered in the forefront of his mind. Obviously, someone had hurt her deeply. Did she still love him? Why on earth would she want a baby this way? Was she crazy? Who in their right mind would want to bring a child into this world without a father? Why would she want to raise a child alone? Why him—why now…when everything in his life was finally coming together? He didn’t understand! Too many questions and not enough answers.

He closed his eyes as if to drive away the thoughts but the vision of a ravishing redhead dancing on the pier invaded every fiber of his being. The way she moved drew him to her like a moth to a flame. His body shuddered at the thought of kissing her sensuous lips. For just a moment, she gave into her need for him and astounded him with the depth of emotions she brought forth. Her body was so soft and warm against his this evening. His body and his heart had betrayed him. His need for her was consuming him.

He had wanted her since the day he gazed into her wolf-like eyes. Now, he wanted her more than ever. This evening, her warm desire melted his soul. If only she would allow it, he would take away her pain. He would…but before another thought could bring itself into existence…the silent night air was broken by soft sobs.

He stepped to the edge of the balcony. What he saw stunned him. Alexandria was sitting on the edge of a lounge chair…crying. Without hesitation, he bolted from his room to the elevator, which moved far too slowly for the urgency in her tears. He decided to take the stairs instead, two at a time until he reached the lobby. Fear gathered in the pit of his stomach, wrenching like a knife. She was the strongest woman he had ever met, what happened? Why was she at the pool and why was she crying? He didn’t care what anyone thought; he ran to the pool—to her.

The intensity of her sobs slowed his steps for fear of startling her. As Brad reached her, he knelt down in front of her. “Alexandria, what’s wrong?”

Her shoulders shook—her face buried in her hands. “Alexandria. What. Is. Wrong?” he asked with more urgency. “Please talk to me,” he pleaded.

He needed to see her eyes. Her eyes would tell him everything. He placed his hands on her upper arms and gently pushed her upright. The depth of loss in her gaze shook him to the core. “Alexandria, are you hurt?”

She shook her head no. He pulled her to him and held her while she cried. As her sobs began to subside, he placed his index finger under her chin and tenderly lifted her face, forcing her eyes to meet his. He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead as he whispered, “Talk to me.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes. You. Can,” he said as he stood and helped her to her feet.

In a hushed whisper, she replied, “No, I can’t. You don’t understand.”

Frustration set in. He shook her shoulders. “Then help me understand, Alexandria. You can tell me anything. Now talk to me.”

Her eyes held a cold, blank, ghostlike appearance that he could not explain; they were filled with enormous pain. His breath caught in his chest. Alexandria’s entire body began to shake as her knees gave way under her. She crumbled. Had it not been for his grip on her arms, she would have hit the ground. Her tears continued to fall as she whispered, “I was raped!”

His mind could not accept the words he just heard…raped. A chill ran down his spine as beads of sweat began to cover his forehead—in a thin sheen. He wondered how someone—anyone could be so cruel and heartless. His legs felt like lead as he sank to one knee, pulling her down with him. An intolerable pain took hold in the pit of his stomach, as if someone had just stabbed him. His breath came out in sharp, shallow rasps. His mind reeled with a million questions. Was it violent?—
of course it was you idiot!
Would she be okay? When? How anyone could hurt this woman or any other woman for that matter? It went against everything he believed. It was wrong. It was vile.

He tried to control the rage welling inside him, as if he were a wounded animal ready to attack. Then he asked, “Tonight?”

“No…ten…years…ago,” she struggled to get the words out.

Relief, sorrow, anger, frustration, and pain—pain as he had never known before filled his heart. How could anyone…he could not fix it…could not change it…what was he supposed to do?

The answers did not come. Not knowing what else to do, he picked her up and sat down in the lounge chair with her tucked in his arms. With some small hope of comforting her, he whispered, “I won’t hurt you, Alexandria.”

It was sometime before she spoke and when she did, her voice was broken and full of pain. “I was a sophomore in college. I was at the law library gathering research material for a paper. A boy from one of my classes sat at the same table, his name was Peter. It was late when I finished studying and headed home.”

She became quiet and still for a few moments. He held his breath, afraid to move or make a sound. Afraid of what, he didn’t know—maybe she would stop talking—or maybe that she would continue…he wasn’t sure which.

“Peter offered to walk me back to the dorm; he was going in the same direction. He seemed like a decent guy and I had never had a boyfriend. I wanted to know how it felt to have someone walk me home. We stopped by a little café on campus; Peter went to get sodas while I found a table, we talked for a while.”

She took a ragged breath as if to block out the images and the pain. “I only remember bits and pieces afterwards. I didn’t feel well. My legs were weak—my head fuzzy. He helped me back to my room. As I shut the door, he pushed his way inside.”

The silence hung in the air like a sweltering summer day weighing so heavy on his chest; it became difficult to breathe. He swallowed hard, while she gathered her thoughts.

Her body shook uncontrollably as she spoke, “He shoved me backwards…onto the bed…he yanked at my jeans…my panties…until….”

He had never heard a voice filled with such pain but somehow she managed to continue.

“I only have fleeting memories. I remember screaming; fighting, being unable to stop him, but everything felt like it was happening in my head.”

The sourness of bile filled his mouth as it rose from his esophagus and into his throat. He froze; afraid to move—afraid to comfort her—afraid he would make it…worse. He felt a sharp stabbing pain in his chest; he could do nothing…to help her…except listen.

“I was a virgin…I was scared—so scared. A searing pain felt like it would rip me in two when he slammed into me. It went on forever. I couldn’t…move…couldn’t stop him. When it was over…he just laughed. He used my panties to wipe the blood—from himself—from me.

“
‘Think I’ll keep these,’
he sneered.”

Silence filled the air once again. He didn’t think she would go on but after a while, she whispered, “I woke to the warmth of the sun’s rays…half clothed. At first, I wasn’t sure where I was. I tried to sit up, but couldn’t. I hurt all over. When I was finally able to push myself up…the memories…they crashed all around…vague, but somehow…vivid.”

Her entire body was seized with racking shudders as she struggled to breathe. “I knew I needed to do something but didn’t know what. Finally, I made my way to the hospital and told them what happened. The nurse was kind but I needed my mother…more than ever. They examined me, ran some test, and gave me a pill. The doctor said evidence of a rape drug….in my bloodstream. The physical exam was horrendous. There wasn’t any semen, so they assumed Peter had worn a condom. It took several stitches. I was so ashamed, how could I have been so stupid?”

Her words were barely audible, coming out ragged, and garbled, “I knew how to fight but I couldn’t stop…him…from hurting me.”

She was quiet for a longtime before she went on, “It took a while, but I finally agreed to allow the hospital to contact Campus Police. I filed a report. They questioned Peter. I thought they would arrest him but they didn’t find my panties and there was no evidence of drugs in his dorm room. It was his word against mine.”

There were no more words. His primary belief in basic humanity—human decency—was shaken. How anyone could do that to another human being? Plenty of women willingly offered themselves up freely. No one had the right to take what he wanted from an unwilling participant.

His frustration from earlier vanished. Her reaction or lack thereof, her unbendable steel will to fall under his charms all made sense. Now he understood. He held her, listening to her now steadied breathing…he wanted more. He loathed himself the minute the thought flourished but couldn’t dispel it from his mind. God, he was as low as the bastard that hurt her! Disgusted with himself, he began to shake. What now? Where do we go from here?

He held the most beautiful woman under the sun while she slept, keeping her safe. The night sky began to give way to a soft pink shimmering in the distance. Dawn was arriving.

Alexandria stirred. Her eyes burned, they felt as if she had walked across the Mojave Desert in the middle of a sandstorm. She was confused as her eyes met his…then…memories of the night flooded her senses. The look in her eyes changed from bewilderment…to panic. She fought to pull away from him.

“Alexandria, it’s okay, you are safe,” Brad whispered.

His calm reassurance soothed her momentarily. She relaxed just a bit, just for a moment, and then without warning, she said, “I have to go,” as she broke free from his hold.

Brad jumped up and reached for her. “Alexandria, don’t go.”

She stopped but kept her back to him.

He stepped around her and took her face in his hands. He dipped his head and kissed her ever so softly.

She froze for an instant but his lips continued to caress hers tenderly, telling her without words that he cared. She reached up and placed her hands on his forearms, her body softening under his touch. He gently broke the kiss and with lips against hers, he whispered, “I will never hurt you—not like that.”

Shame overwhelmed her as she lowered her head as if to hide from him, coming to rest against his lips. He kissed her forehead, reassuring her everything would be all right.

“Come, you need some rest, I’ll walk you to your room,” he said.

As they reach her door, his voice quaked as he said, “I’ll check in on you in a couple hours.”