I shook my head at him but didn’t put my guard back up. When his pen tapped again, I smiled at what he’d written.
Trust me with your heart, Remy.
C
HAPTER
S
EVENTEEN
A
sher drove me home again after school. He pulled onto my street but didn’t turn off the engine. Ben was waiting to give me a driving lesson, so I couldn’t linger.
“So, I’ll see you tomorrow?” I hoped it wasn’t too obvious that I didn’t want to leave him yet.
He grinned and handed me my book bag from the backseat. “Yes, if you survive your driving lesson. Be careful.”
I protested with a laugh. “Hey, you haven’t seen me drive. You don’t know that I’m a bad driver.”
“Yes, but I’ve seen the way you look at my car, and I’ve heard about your nickname.”
Still laughing, I promised to be careful and reached for the door handle. He stopped me with a hand on my arm and I looked up to find his expression had turned somber.
“We’ve said it, but we haven’t really
said
it. You and I—we’re together. Not because of some Protector-Healer bond we have no control over, or any ability you may have to cure us. I care about you, and I think you care about me.”
His tone sounded so emphatic, I didn’t realize he wanted—no, needed—me to say something. When it occurred to me that he wanted my agreement, I nodded slowly. His square jaw unclenched as if he’d been nervous that my answer would differ from his.
In a calmer voice, he continued, “I’d like to take you out on Saturday. There’s a place I think you’d like to see.”
The idea of telling Ben about us had me grimacing.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I can’t keep sneaking around. It’s not fair to Ben. I’m not sure how this is going to go over.”
Asher smiled. “I don’t want to hide us. We have too many secrets as it is.”
I promised to tell my father about us that night.
As I suspected, it didn’t go well.
Ben had me drive out to the fort to practice three-point turns in the deserted parking lot in front of Paley Pavilion, a popular location for local events. Officially, Fort Rowden closed at sundown, but the gate was left open for guests at the hostel, campers, and those travelers with RVs enjoying a night on the town.
When I successfully completed parallel parking, three-point turns, and hand signals, Ben applauded me with a huge grin. He beamed with pride when he directed me to drive us home.
I decided to tell him now or never.
“Ben, I wanted to ask you something.”
A quick glance at Ben in the passenger seat found him looking at me with a curious expression, probably because I hadn’t asked for much since he’d brought me here. Hopefully, that would play in my favor.
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Well, there’s this boy . . .” Ben’s expression turned cautious, and I hurried to get the rest of the words out. “I really like him, and we’re kind of seeing each other. He wants to take me out on Saturday. On a date.”
“Absolutely not,” he said, his tone ringing with finality.
“You don’t even intend to discuss this, do you?”
He folded his arms and glared at the windshield. “No.”
For the first time since Ben had brought me to live with him, my temper flared at him. I drove out of the park, fuming. The moon had disappeared behind clouds, and the road appeared black with groupings of tall fir trees separating houses. Unlike in New York, streetlights were sparse, leaving long expanses of gloom on the road, like Morse code. Deer made a habit of grazing in front yards, which made me nervous when they could run out into the street at any time.
If my speed hadn’t slowed to a crawl, I probably wouldn’t have seen him in my rearview mirror. Dean. He stood in the shadows near the park entrance. The brakes screamed when I slammed on the pedal, bringing the car to a skidding halt. It took only an instant to unbuckle my seatbelt and climb out of the car, but he’d disappeared.
“Remy! What’s wrong?” Ben opened his door and peered into the shadows.
Either I’d imagined seeing Dean or he’d managed to disappear into the trees in the park. Since Dean was in Brooklyn, I didn’t want to worry Ben about my state of mind.
“Nothing. I thought I saw a deer in the road. I’m sorry if I scared you.” Even I could hear how shaken I sounded.
“Want me to drive?” Ben offered.
At my nod, we switched seats and drove home in silence.
I waited until the front door closed behind us before I picked up the thread of our discussion. “Mind telling me why you’re against me going on a date? It can’t be the guy since you don’t even know who it is.”
Laura looked up with raised brows when I entered the living room on Ben’s heels. Lucy was nowhere in sight.
Ben turned to me with a stiff expression as he stripped off his coat and gloves. “Remy, we’re not discussing this. It’s too soon. Your mother died last week.”
I froze in the act of removing my scarf and coat. “You think you have to remind me?”
He folded his arms over his chest. “Laura and I have been talking about this. We think you need to see a counselor. I don’t think you’re dealing with your grief.”
“How would you know? You don’t even know me.”
His blue eyes hardened. “I know what I’ve seen. You haven’t cried once. Not even at the funeral.”
The rage I’d been holding in each time I saw how perfect his life had been here—without me—boiled to the surface like poison. “And you think you have the right to judge me for that, don’t you? I’ve been here a month, and suddenly you know what’s best for me. Who do you think you are?”
Laura stood and placed a cautionary hand against Ben’s chest, but he ignored her. “I’m your father, Remy.”
With a humorless laugh, I pulled off the sweater I wore over my tee and flung it at the couch. “You’re not my father. If you were, you would
never
have left me in that hellhole with Anna, no matter what she told you.”
Ben’s voice stiffened with defensiveness. “I didn’t know what was happening, Remy. I can’t make up for that, but I’m doing my best.”
The poison didn’t just boil; it foamed and spilled over the edge. “How can you make up for it when you don’t even know what happened? Oh, you think you know because of the abbreviated version you heard me tell the officers, but what do you really know? That Dean knocked me around a little from time to time?”
Laura stepped toward me now. “Remy, let’s calm down before you two say something you’ll regret. You have a right to be angry—”
“No offense, Laura, but do you know how many people have told me I have a right to be angry or sad or hurt? Usually when they want to shut me up. Ben wants me to talk to someone, so let’s talk. I think you owe me.” My gaze impaled Ben. “Do you have the courage to hear what I have to say?”
“I’ll listen to whatever you have to tell me.” The grief in his voice didn’t stop me.
“Glad to hear it,
Dad
! Where to begin? How about we start with the first time Dean hit me when I was eleven? To be fair, it was an accident—he was punching Anna’s face when I stepped between them—but that didn’t stop him from hitting me a second time to teach me a lesson.”
I couldn’t stand still, pacing as I talked. “Apparently, I didn’t learn the lesson well enough because he taught it to me over and over again for the next couple of years. It took eight broken bones and two concussions, but I finally got it. This?” I lifted my shirt and twisted to display the football-sized bruise that had turned my hip and lower back an ugly mix of blue, purple, and green. Laura’s gasp sounded loud in the room as she glimpsed the injury for the first time. “This is nothing. Something this small happened when I merely looked at him the wrong way. You should see the lesson he taught me when I didn’t get him his beer fast enough.
“My voice? All the guys seem to like it, but it didn’t always sound like this. It was a parting gift from Dean.”
My words came out harder now, with equal scorn for Dean the abuser and Ben the abandoner.
Laura touched her own neck, her eyes wide with horror. “The bruises on your neck?”
“I’m pretty sure he meant to kill me that last night. Who knows?”
She choked on a sob. Ben cried now, too, silent tears tracking down his cheeks. I couldn’t make myself stop.
“You know, I didn’t learn the lesson Dean meant to teach me, but he taught me another entirely by accident. See, it was the tears Dean got off on. He liked hurting us and loved to make us cry. So, when I turned thirteen, I refused to shed even one more tear—my pathetic way of telling him to go to hell. Do you want to know how he retaliated?”
Within a few steps, I stood in front of Ben and shoved my exposed arm under his nose. “You saw it at the hospital. The officers and doctor guessed what it was from. Did you? A year of Dean putting out his cigarette in the same spot, burn on top of burn on top of burn on top of . . . You get the picture, right? He was pissed because he couldn’t make me cry. And Anna watched the whole thing and did nothing.
Nothing!
” I shoved my face in his and my shout echoed off the walls. “Do you want to tell me again how I should cry for her?”
Ben’s hand came up in a sudden movement. Years of habit had me flinching away from him and raising my arms to cover my face from the oncoming blow.
Everything stopped. My shouting. Laura’s sobbing. My heavy breathing and Ben’s filled the quiet room.
“Remy, sweetheart. It’s okay. You’re safe.”
Laura’s gentle voice finally reached me through the nightmare I’d fallen into. My arms lowered and revealed Ben’s destroyed expression. He’d been reaching out to comfort me, and now he looked horrified, as if he really had struck me. A switch flipped inside me, and shame replaced anger. I felt sick when he took several swift steps away from me and put his hands behind his back to appear less threatening. As if Ben would ever threaten me. He was nothing like Dean.
Instinct had me wrapping my arms around his waist to comfort him, healing his skipping heartbeat out of habit and penance. “I’m sorry, Ben. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” His heartbeat sounded strong beneath my cheek, and he nearly cut off my air supply when he returned my hug, carefully avoiding the bruise on my back. “I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”
His breath ruffled my hair. “You meant every word. I swear to you, Remy, I’d never hurt you.”
I had to get away from him and the intense emotions in the room. Ben let me go with reluctance when I pushed against his chest. “I trust you not to hit me, but you could hurt me.”
When he started to protest, I held up a hand. “I’m not Lucy. I didn’t grow up in your safe home with a kiss good night and a story before you tucked me in bed. I love Lucy, but sometimes I hate you for loving her more. Because you can’t tell me that there is anything on this earth that could take her from you. And you let me go.”
Ben swallowed and said nothing.
A headache threatened, and I rubbed my forehead. “I’m sorry, Ben. I’m not trying to hurt you, but I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time. I learned how to survive without you, and I can’t change that to make you feel better.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I want . . . I want what you offered before. Be my friend. No counselors and no telling me you know what’s best for me. Trust me.”
Ben stepped forward. “I can do that, but we need something from you, too. For good or bad, I’m your guardian now. There have to be rules.”
“That’s fair.” In an attempt to put things back on normal, even ground, I smiled, though it felt plastic. “What are your rules on dating?”
It was Laura who stepped forward this time, taking Ben’s hand. “Dating is a privilege. If your grades suffer, the privilege is revoked. Ten o’clock curfew on school days and midnight on weekends. You tell us where you’ll be at all times, and we meet the boy first.”
Her no-nonsense speech sounded rehearsed, as if she’d told the same thing to Lucy. “I can live with that. Asher Blackwell will be here in the morning to pick me up for school. You can meet him then.”
Ben’s eyes lit with recognition at Asher’s name, and he nodded. “Good.”
We eyed each other across the room, having come to an understanding. Spent, I turned to leave the room. Laura touched my arm when I passed, and I squeezed her hand in apology. I’d never meant for things to go so far tonight and wanted to crawl into a hole to hide. I ran up the stairs and was at the top of the landing when Ben called my name. He stood at the bottom of the staircase with one hand on the railing.
“You were wrong about one thing. I don’t love Lucy more.”
I didn’t know how to respond to the honesty in his voice. I nodded, turning toward my room, and he said to my back, “’Night, Remy.”
C
HAPTER
E
IGHTEEN
S
leep eluded me.
I couldn’t believe how I’d unloaded on Ben. The rage I’d felt had taken me by storm, and I’d meant to draw blood with my words. That I could treat someone I loved like that shocked me, and I could hardly look at myself in the mirror the next morning.
A knock sounded on the front door as I left my room. From the top of the stairs I heard Ben open the door and greet Asher in a cordial tone. “Hey, Asher. Come on in. Remy’s not down yet.”
Asher responded in the charming, proper voice he reserved for adults. “Mr. O’Malley. It’s good to see you again.”
Despite everything I knew about the evils of eavesdropping, I couldn’t face Ben yet and couldn’t bring myself to walk away. I sank down on the top stair and listened as they moved into the living room. From the shifting of fabric, it sounded like Ben had invited Asher to sit. Their familiarity reminded me of something Lucy had said my first day of school, something about Asher and Gabe buying sailboats from Ben’s company that they’d later wrecked while racing. Ben wouldn’t know they were immortal. Perhaps he thought he had reason to worry if I dated Asher.
Ben cleared his throat. “Remy mentioned last night that the two of you are seeing each other.”
Asher picked up on something in Ben’s voice. “And you’re not happy about that?”
“To be honest, I’m worried. Your behavior has proved a little reckless in the past, and I’m not sure that’s what she needs right now.”
“Mr. O’Malley, Remy’s not like anyone I’ve ever met. I won’t let anyone hurt her, including me.” A fervent promise infused his words that I recognized from all the times he’d sworn he would protect me.
My father sounded surprised. “You care about her.”
It wasn’t a question, but Asher answered anyway. “Yes, sir.”
“Has she told you anything about her past?” Ben’s palpable tension had me clasping my knees to my chest to calm myself.
Now, Asher sounded cautious. “Some. She’s grieving for her mother right now. She blames herself for Anna’s death.”
“She told you that?” Again, the surprise in Ben’s voice mingled with hurt, and I knew it was because I hadn’t shared that information with him myself. He didn’t understand how hard it was for me to talk to him, how my emotions for him were a tangle of newfound love and old, sour disappointment. I used to have fantasies about making Ben sorry he’d abandoned me. An amazing thing had happened since I grew to care for him. When I hurt him, it hurt me, too. My guard was already lowered, and I had a feeling Asher had been listening to me since entering the house. My head rested on my knees, and I whispered a thought to him that I hadn’t been able to say aloud last night.
Asher, please make him understand that I love him.
“Yes, sir. When you brought her here, you made her feel safe for the first time in her life. Your family means the world to her, but she feels guilty for choosing you over protecting her mother.”
Ben reacted to Asher’s solemn assertion the way I always did—he believed him without question. “She should never have been put in that position in the first place. I should’ve been there.”
Asher said again, “Yes, sir,” and I knew he included himself in that statement.
A long moment later, Ben said, “Thanks for not lying, Asher. People have said that I couldn’t have known what was happening to her, and I’ve even said the same thing myself. But damn it, I should’ve known!” I strained to hear his low words when he added in a quiet tone, “She’s my daughter. I should’ve known.”
There was another long silence before Ben spoke. “Remy says you want to take her out this weekend. I’d like it if you’d have dinner with our family tomorrow night so we can get to know you a little better. Remy can make her own choice, but I’d feel better if you agreed.”
It sounded like they were getting to their feet, and I did the same.
“That sounds fair, Mr. O’Malley.”
“Let me check to see if Remy is ready to go.”
Ben’s footsteps grew louder, and he came into sight as he neared the staircase. He paused and turned when Asher called, “Sir? She loves you, and you know how loyal she is to the people she loves. The two of you will figure it out.”
Scrambling to get out of sight on the landing, I almost missed the shattered expression on Ben’s face.
When Asher joined me in his car, I leaned over to brush a kiss on his smooth shaved cheek. The frozen expression on his face when I pulled away said I’d stunned him into silence. He remained quiet so long I worried I’d made a mistake and began to think of ways to laugh off the awkward moment, while my cheeks burned with humiliation.
My mind spun through the dreary possibilities until Asher stopped it cold with the simple act of running his fingers along my cheek in a tender gesture. His eyes warmed with affection when he smiled down at me. “You’re welcome.”
Of course, he knew my kiss had been one of thanks for the way he’d talked with my father. With a small smile of apology, I raised my defenses to reclaim some privacy.
“You didn’t sleep well,” he said, touching the black smudge under my eye.
“No. Rough night. I lost my temper with Ben and nearly wore out my welcome.”
He shook his head. “Not possible. How can you not know that your dad loves you?”
This time the distance I put between us was physical as well as mental. “You weren’t there last night.” My tone made it clear I didn’t intend to replay the scene for him, either.
Instead of backing off, Asher tucked my hand in his while he pulled the car out of the driveway. “You’re too hard on yourself. Maybe your dad needed to hear the things you said, as much as you needed to say them.”
I doubted Ben would think the same thing.
Dinner with Asher and my family was not nearly as painful as I thought it would be. I spent two days stressing over it and within ten minutes of his arrival, Asher somehow managed to bridge the uncomfortable gap that had sprung up between Ben, Laura, and me. Lucy seemed oblivious to the whole thing since she’d been out the night of the fight. She was becoming pro-Asher since he’d eaten lunch at our table the last two days. He’d put a lot of effort into charming her, and it had worked.
Through dinner, he did the same charm-boy act, until I realized it wasn’t an act at all. Asher shone when a situation demanded the most proper kind of behavior, whether opening a door for me or carrying my bag whenever we walked together. When he held my chair at the table, he earned an approving glance from Laura. During dinner, he impressed Ben with his knowledge about current events—he’d lived in more countries during his lifetime than I could count on both hands. When I mentioned that I’d heard Asher speak fluently in multiple languages (leaving out that he’d been cursing at the time), he sent me a small smile that promised retribution.
After dinner, I helped Lucy clear the dishes, while Ben and Laura took Asher into the living room. Even without prior dating experience, I could tell this was the moment when Ben would give his blessing—or not—for Asher to take me out. Lucy, being the best sister in the whole world, ducked out on dish duty to eavesdrop on them. According to her, she simply looked out for my best interests. After eavesdropping the morning before, I felt too embarrassed to do it again and remained in the kitchen scraping dishes.
A few minutes later, Lucy returned, shaking her head and wearing a wide grin.
“What? What’s going on?”
She took a stack of plates from me. “He told Dad where he’s planning to take you tomorrow. I hate to admit when I’m wrong, but I think this guy has a serious thing for you. Go forth and date a Blackwell with my blessing, Sis.”
“Seriously? Just like that?”
She flicked dirty dishwater at me. “What can I say? The guy knows you.”
Curiosity set in, and I asked, “Where is—”
Laura bumped the kitchen door open with her hip. “Remy, Asher’s waiting to say good night. He’s outside with Ben. You better go save him before your father bores him to death with the facts about his car.”
Ben could tire even the most enthusiastic car aficionado when he got on a roll. I wiped my wet hands on a towel and hurried past Laura. It was worse than she’d predicted. Asher stood alone in the driveway, and his Audi had disappeared.
He grinned when I joined him. I hadn’t paused to throw on my coat, and he wrapped his jacket around my shoulders. He tugged the lapels together under my chin and used them to pull me closer to his warmth, winding his arms around my waist.
“What happened? Did Ben carjack you?”
Asher laughed one of his rare open laughs that I felt all the way down to my toes. “He’s taking it for a spin around the block.”
I pressed my nose to his chest and the wool of his sweater felt rough against my cheek. “Was it blackmail or bribery?”
His chin rested on the top of my head, and his breath ruffled my hair. “Neither. He had that same look on his face you did when you saw my car for the first time. I had to convince him to take it, although, if I’m truthful, it didn’t take a lot of persuasion on my part.”
I imagined the look Ben must have had on his face spying Asher’s sleek performance car—a kid in a candy shop—and laughed, tilting my head back to see Asher’s face. He smiled down at me and I blurted out, “I like you.”
His smile widened and, in a lighthearted tone, he said, “I like you, too.”
It seemed very important all of sudden that he not misunderstand me. Maybe it was my fight with Ben or thinking I’d seen Dean a couple of nights ago, but I wanted him to know I cared. I shook him, as much as I could considering his size and strength, but it got his attention. “No, Asher. I mean, I really like you. Apart from all the Protector-Healer mess and all the rest of what’s happened and what could happen, I like you.”
He didn’t react in any of the ways I’d expected. A ferocious frown darkened his face as he looked down at me. My heart dropped to my stomach because clearly he didn’t feel even a tenth of what I felt. I stared at the design on his sweater until he squeezed me lightly. “Stop it, Remy. You know I feel the same way. When did you see Dean?”
I gasped and tried to pull away, but his arms had become steel bands. “You were listening? My guard is up, damn it!”
Asher shrugged. “I told you, I can’t control when it happens.”
He didn’t seem upset about it, and I scowled. My bad mood didn’t make a dent in his arrogance. He’d launched into full Protector-mode.
“Dean?” he demanded.
He looked like he could stand there all night holding me hostage until I answered him. Disgruntled, I said. “I thought I saw him out at Fort Rowden a couple of nights ago.” I explained about stopping the car and finding no trace of Dean. “He’s in New York. There’s no reason for him to come here, especially with the restraining order Ben took out against him. My eyes had to be playing tricks on me. That’s why I didn’t mention it.”
Asher’s expression had grown blacker as I spoke of the incident, but he looked thoughtful when I mentioned New York. Ben saved me from answering more questions when he whipped Asher’s Audi S6 around the corner and into the driveway with a squeal of the brakes. He slid out of the driver’s seat with his face flushed with boyish delight. I’d known driving Asher’s car would be exhilarating, and Ben confirmed my prediction when I rushed forward to meet him.
“Well?” My voice sounded breathless with anticipation.
Ben could barely contain himself and threw an arm around me. His heart skipped, and my body healed him the way it always did when he touched me. I noticed Asher toss a curious look at Ben. “Handles like a dream. A 5.2 liter V10 with 435 horsepower. Be still, my heart! I hear it goes from zero to sixty in five seconds. I’d love to get it out on a track.” His eyes took on a speculative gleam.
Asher grinned. “Name the day and time.”
Ben shook his head, looking tempted. “Laura would kill me. I may have to get one when I retire, though. Thanks for letting me drive it.” He tossed the keys to Asher and realized his arm rested around me. He dropped it and shook Asher’s hand. “You have my blessing to take Remy out tomorrow. Just don’t let this one drive. She has a tendency to put the pedal to the metal.”
The last was said with a knowing look in my direction. I stuck my tongue out at him, and he floated toward the house on ten feet of air. I turned back to Asher. “See you in the morning?”
He tapped a finger on my nose. “See you in the morning. Wear something warm.”
Something about the look in his eyes told me we weren’t finished talking about Dean, but thinking about a full day spent in Asher’s company, I suddenly didn’t care.