Tour of Duty: Stories and Provocation (38 page)

The Ten Manliest Firearms

by Guest Author, Crazy Einar

These next two pieces are funny. Not because they’re humorous, though I’m told by many fans that they are, but because of the outrage they generate. Pretty much every gun on these lists has been scoffed at by a group of others as “not manly,” while they extol the virtues of some other gun, which another group of detractors mocks. I get regular mail that by not including gun X, I can’t possibly consider my list to be manly. When I rattle off from memory a dozen critical flaws in said firearm, they resort to
ad hominem
argument that I can’t possibly be a man if I disagree with them. They don’t actually address the matter of the critical flaws.

Of course, those flaws don’t really matter, given the introductory statement. And there are some manly French guns, too. I do, however, draw the line at pearl grips and gold plating. Those are not subject to discussion.

Actually, nothing is. If you don’t like my list, if you have a better list, I really don’t care, and don’t waste your time telling me. Read the first paragraph again and heed it.

This was a hard piece
to write, because guns by definition are manly, except for Berettas, gold-plated TEC9s, .25 caliber pistols or anything made by the French. To simplify things, I have limited it to modern cartridge firearms a man might, can, and should collect and shoot. There are certainly other manly weapons, and you may have a different list. As long as the list contains nothing French, gold-plated, .25 or with pearl grips (which Patton correctly observed are the mark of a New Orleans pimp), it is a good list.
Let me repeat that
: You are encouraged to make your own list. A long as you’re shooting something, it’s all good. Now please read this intro again so you don’t embarrass yourself by arguing a point already made. Ask for help with any big words.

10: SMLE

The 10 SMLE was the other great weapon of the Modern British Empire (The Brown Bess musket being the first). Several MILLION Short, Magazine, Lee Enfields, in .303 caliber are still spread across the Earth, waiting to be used to evolve the species by killing the weak.

The Smelly, as it is called by those who love it, can also be had in .308 from the Indians at the Ishapore Arsenal. There are still several billion rounds of .303 surplus out there, however, and it is still loaded by modern manufacturers. Karamojo Bell was such a testosterone laden bastard he used to hunt
elephant
with one. Forget .470 Nitro Express and .375 Holland & Holland Magnum. This was a warrior par excellence.

The Smelly is still the fastest bolt action out there, and a trained soldier (All Brits have Viking blood in their veins, either from the Norse, or those lesser Danes, but probably both) can fire just about a round a second in volley fire, and easily a round every five seconds aimed. It’s an ugly stick with a barrel on it, and a bayonet lug that mounts either a spike big enough to crucify someone, or a blade the size of a small sword. The front end of a SMLE is the bad end of a SMLE. You want to be on the good end, behind it.

It was used in WWI by Brits, Canadians, Aussies, Kiwis, some Americans and various allies. It slaughtered Turks and Germans. In WWII, it slaughtered more Germans and Italians. Okay, maybe bragging about dead Italians isn’t so great, but it also killed Sicilians. And killing Germans definitely is a mark of manliness, because they also carry strong Viking genes. It was used in Burma, Malaysia and throughout the Pacific against the Imperial Japanese. It has won many wars.

Best of all, with so many still out there, the prices are quite reasonable, and spare parts are plentiful. Of course, the Smelly doesn’t break down much, so you shouldn’t need spare parts, except the safety lever, and why would a real warrior worry about the safety? If you shoot someone, it’s because you intended to and they deserved to die. If you can’t find a Smelly near you, you may also carry a Lee-Enfield #4 Mk 1 and feel just as manly, it being the final offspring of the line.

9: Mosin-Nagant M91/30

Speaking of guns without safeties, here’s the Mosin-Nagant from Russia. The Mosin was used by the Russians against the Finns, the Finns against the Russians, the Estonians against the Russians, the Russians against the Russians, and the Russians against the Germans. It does, in fact, have a safety, but it’s quite hard to engage. But this is not a complaint one would ever voice in the Red Army. Your officer would reply, “Safety? Safety? Is gun! Meant to kill! No warrior should know he has safety on gun, because he should be killing enemies of homeland! Safety make loud click to aid enemy in locating warriors! No safety!” while pounding his fist on the table.

And the Mosin can kill enemies of homeland. The muzzle blast will vaporize green growth within a few feet of the bore, and even if you miss, the enemy will be reduced to shouting “WHAT?” to communicate. You’ll need a recoil pad or shooting jacket. Ordinarily, this might be considered unmanly, but this rifle has a short stock for using while wearing several layers of wool for a Russian winter. It is acceptable to wear padding to fire a Mosin.

Of course, there are also M38, M44 and other variations of Mosin-Nagant and all are cool. All, also (except the M38), come with a bayonet. Russian doctrine held that the bayonet was mounted except while traveling in a vehicle, because the Russians understood that an empty rifle could still be a pointy stick—a Viking spear. The Russians loved to spear Turks. So, coincidentally, did the Vikings. This rifle sounds better all the time, doesn’t it? The Finns used the Mosin as a sniper rifle during the Winter War, and their greatest Sniper was Simo Häyhä, who had 500 confirmed kills in 100 days. This is a man the Finns describe as “modest” and “self-effacing.” It’s a good thing the Russians didn’t run into a Finn who was proud and arrogant. They’d have been wiped out.

It fires a 7.62X54R (for “Rimmed”) cartridge, about as powerful as .30-06, which holds the distinction of being in service from 1891 to the present, longer than any other military cartridge. It is still used in Dragunovs, PKMs and other Russian weapons. It’s cheap in quantity. So are the rifles, because they were built for (all variations) over 70 years, by Russia, Finland, Poland, Romania, China, even the U.S. As I write this, arsenal-new M44s are $55 to $200. At that price, you should have several, so any guests you have during the Collapse can be outfitted as they receive Enlightenment. Then they can pillage, kill, sack and loot with the rest of the men who secure a new Dark Ages to hasten the new renaissance. We have kingdoms to carve, men!

8: GLOCK

The GLOCK is feared by neoliberals. It’s called “plastic” and “ceramic” and “capable of going through airport metal detectors.” If this were true, it would be the coolest gun on Earth. But these things are total lies, and serve to point out that neoliberals are not men, and have no honor. The GLOCK has a plastic frame molded over a kilogram of metal (84% of the weight is metal), and will in fact, show up on any metal detector. So will the dense plastic.

Yes, the correct spelling is GLOCK. GLOCK insists so. As they are men and wish to loudly announce themselves, this should always be respected, despite any personal allegations against Gaston. A man is known by his work.

But the GLOCK is tough. How tough? http://www.theprepared.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=90&Item. To summarize: The GLOCK in question has not been cleaned in ten years, has been buried in dirt, saltwater, gravel, talc, dropped from a plane, dragged behind a car, tossed off a roof, driven over with a truck, and it still works. Gaston Glock didn’t know anything about guns, and started from the ground up, thus not having any preconceived notions and incorporating the best technology available. It is an almost flawless killing machine.

GLOCKs came originally in 9mm, and have also been made in various numbers in 10mm, .40S&W, .380, 9X21mm, .357 Sig and .45 GAP. However, the only acceptable caliber for a man to carry is .45 ACP. 10mm is good but hard to find, .40S&W is a wussified 10mm that the FBI created when it found out its agents weren’t manly enough for 10mm, .357 Sig is excellent but hard to find, .45 GAP is new and untested, .380 is only acceptable as a backup caliber, and no man would be found dead with a 9mm. Actually, a man knows he WOULD be found dead with a 9mm, because a 9mm is a .45 set on stun, and real men do not believe in stun.

GLOCKs are not cheap. They are much in demand by police and military around the world. Fascist European pussies refuse to sell them to Israel, because they secretly like the idea of dead Jews. The Israelis, being practical and almost as manly as Vikings, acquire GLOCKs anyway. If Viking king Harald Hardraada were alive today, his symbol of power would be a GLOCK 21.

7: Swiss K31 Carbine