“Not neutralize you. I meant...” The corner of his mouth lifted. “Okay, I can see where my word choice was a tad clinical.”
Yeah, if he smiled and agreed with her and sat there looking all delicious they’d never make any progress. Being on the mattress this close and smelling his familiar scent already wore her down. Much more of that thing where he skimmed his finger over her bare skin and all those months of being apart would back up on her. She missed touching him. The intimacy.
But this was too important to gloss over and let him write off as a poor word choice. “I asked you to ease up on the boundaries and in response you ran a background check on a woman I met in my exercise class.”
“She introduced herself to you.”
“To borrow a towel.”
“Look, a check in that circumstance is not that unusual for someone in my line of work. Even Joel backed me up on that. He’s the one who ran the check, not me.”
The man could be a lawyer with those arguing skills. “You asked him to, and since he works for you he did it without question, so don’t try to sell the innocent act.”
Connor hummed. “Well, yeah. I guess that’s true.”
That was the man she knew and loved. The same one who thought this sort of thing made sense. “Then you had Joel follow her.”
“Only once.” Connor held up a finger as if that made everything better.
She refused to fight over the number of times since that wasn’t the point, as he well knew. “It was creepy.”
“I don’t want you hurt.”
“And I want balance.”
He lifted their joined hands and kissed each of her knuckles. “You could have just said that.”
“I did. Many times.” Her voice bobbled as a shiver ran through her. “You nodded and agreed and then hid a GPS in my wallet without telling me.”
He trapped her hand against his chest. With the smallest of movements he pulled her in closer to his side. “Davis told me I’d pay for that one.”
“He’s a smart man.”
“He’s not so lax with safety now that he’s married.” Connor’s hand went to her hair and he slipped the strands through his fingers as his gaze traveled over her face. “Do you understand my fear for you?”
“You tackled me to outrun a bullet yesterday.... Wait, was that only yesterday?” She shook her head to clear out the thought. “Point is, I’m not convinced you’re afraid of anything.”
One minute she sat on the mattress and the next she curled up on his lap. He lifted her, moved her and she was so mesmerized by the combination of his words and touches that she didn’t notice until her butt balanced against his thighs.
One arm wrapped around her back and the other settled over her hand on her belly. “The only thing in this world I fear, the one thing guaranteed to rob my sleep and drop me to my knees in panic when you’re not looking, is the thought of losing you.”
Her heart did a little flip. Actually felt as if it spun around and landed hard. “Connor.”
“But I pushed you away.” His nose went to her hair and he nuzzled her ear. “I hate that you felt you needed to run from me.”
She couldn’t let him take that on. For weeks, maybe even months she did blame him for not getting a clue. But as the days dragged on she faced up a very real failing of her own. She didn’t stop and fight harder. “I’m the one who ran away.”
“Yes.”
She pulled back until he lifted his head and looked at her. She searched his eyes looking for the answer and when she found it, she said it out loud. “You’re angry with me about that.”
It wasn’t a question. She said it as a statement because she needed him to admit it. He spent a lot of time burying feelings and one thing he never did was place blame on her. This time, certainly during the last few phone calls, he went from general conversation to anger. She hoped it was a sign of some sort.
He shook his head. “I get it.”
“You don’t.”
“It doesn’t—”
“Connor, come on. Say it. You’re angry. There’s a part of you that feels betrayed. I hate that because I never meant to do that to you, but you have a right to your feelings.”
His mouth opened and closed. Finally the breath ran out of him and his shoulders fell. “Do you blame me for being frustrated and more than a little confused?”
She closed her eyes, grateful that he finally vented, if only a fraction of what she guessed rumbled around inside him. “That’s what I’m saying. No, I don’t. It’s normal and human and, honestly, it gives me hope.”
He blinked and as fast as the tension rose, it all vanished. Confusion took its place. “You actually want me to be furious with you?”
“I want you to care. To be invested enough to be honest.”
“Then you should be thrilled because I do care. I love you with every part of me.” He shifted her until her knees straddled his hips and she faced him. “More than I thought possible. More than I have with any other person ever.”
The intimate position had her thinking about anything but fighting. Probably had something to do with the bulge growing under her and the way his fingers trailed up her bare back. “I thought we were talking.”
“You promised me a seduction.”
Her shirt started to lift. In a few more inches the bottom would be at her shoulders. “We’re not done.”
“That’s exactly what I’ve been saying anytime anyone suggests we’re separated.”
Her fingers slipped through his damp hair. “Well, technically I meant the discussion just then.”
“Let me show you how together we are.”
His mouth covered hers and words began to spin in her brain. She couldn’t form a sentence or count to ten. All she knew was the heat radiating off him and the touch of his fingers as he cupped her breasts under the edge of her shirt.
The kiss lingered and enticed. His lips worked their magic as his tongue slipped inside her mouth. He was under her and around her. His need pulsed through her. Time fell away and their problems melted. This was about their bodies and their need for each other.
She got lost in the kiss and didn’t notice he’d stripped off her shirt and lowered her to the bed until her bare back slid against the comforter. The kisses traveled down her neck. Gentle sucking and the rough scrape of this tongue—she loved it all.
Her knees rose until her feet fell flat against the mattress. She pressed her thighs tight against his hips and felt a shudder run through him.
When he lifted up on his elbows and balanced his upper body over her, she ran a hand over his chest. She loved the feel of him, so strong and yet so gentle with her. Except when he wasn’t and she begged him to keep going. She loved that part, too.
“It’s been so long.” She kissed his mouth then his neck.
“Forever.”
He slipped out of her hold and moved down her body. His lips found her breasts and teased. Back and forth, his tongue swept over her until her hips lifted off the bed. A kiss and a nip and her nerve endings tingled.
He kissed, licking his tongue over her nipples, one after the other, until they formed hard peaks, while one hand slid under the elastic band of her shorts. The other caressed her breasts then moved to her stomach.
He treated every inch of her to a barrage of sensations. Unable to lie still, she kicked her legs and tried to push him lower. She wanted his mouth on her and those shorts off.
He rose up, kneeling between her upraised thighs. Fingertips trailed over her skin and he never broke contact. The shorts slipped off and landed on the floor. The panties went next.
When she looked down again she saw her bare body and his dark hair. Felt his tongue flick against her. Pleasure crashed over her as thoughts bombarded her brain. Him inside her. Him holding her. She wanted it all.
“Are you still on the pill?” His fingers pushed inside her.
Her head fell back against the bed. “Yes.”
His body stilled for the briefest of seconds then his hands went to work again. “Good.”
“For you.” She plowed her fingers through his hair and lifted his head just far enough to see his eyes. “I wanted to be ready for when I came home to you.”
“I’ve waited forever to hear that.”
Heat surged and his thumb brushed against her. Pressure built and her body caught fire until all she wanted was to drag him up and pull him in closer. “Connor, please.”
Still, he didn’t give in. He continued to touch her, lick her. Place soft kisses on her inner thighs. He kept up the sensual torture until her muscles shook and she drew in large gasps of air in an effort to breathe. Her legs dropped open wider and her chest rose and fell. Sensations she hadn’t felt and desperately missed overtook her until she chanted his name.
When she opened her eyes again, ready and so primed she thought anything could set her off, he hovered over her. His mouth fused with hers as he entered her. Being so tightly wound, the feel of him had her head falling back and her body clenching around him. She didn’t know when he took the briefs off or how she missed the pleasure of stripping them down, but the friction had her back arching and her fingernails digging into his shoulders.
“Yes.” The word punched out of her on a hard breath.
He slapped a hand on the mattress beside her head and clenched the comforter in his fist. The bed rocked and his body pushed and pulled inside her until the blood left her head. Then his finger brushed against the very heat of her, right on that spot that made everything inside her uncoil.
When the orgasm stormed through her, her muscles tightened and her mouth went wild. Kissing him. Tasting him. Tension pinned her to the bed, squeezed the life out of her and had her panting.
Just as her muscles loosened he stiffened above her. A second later his shoulders shook and his chest dipped closer to hers. With his face buried in her neck, his body pumping against her, he breathed in deep and blew air across her skin. His body bucked and his head dropped even farther. One last sharp exhale and his elbows gave out.
When the shaking passed, his weight fell against her. For a few minutes she lay there. The quiet blanketed them and their breathing returned to normal. She should roll him to the side. Maybe say something smart. Aim for charming. Instead, she trailed her fingers over his shoulders, loving the feel of him.
Her last thought before she drifted off was of him. Of them. Of how they had to make it work.
Chapter Twelve
An hour later Connor found jeans and a tee and stepped out onto the porch of Jana’s temporary housing. After the amazing session in bed his muscles had turned to mush. He was half surprised he could walk.
Being inside her felt so right but had wiped out most of his energy. He hoped the cool night air would revive him. Seeing the stars uncorrupted by city lights and heavy clouds usually helped. No way could he afford to drift off. His men might have guard duty, but he intended to be ready for anything.
Shame nothing prepared him for his own wife. During sex and during the quiet times everything about her worked for him. One look, the right word, and all those years of refining his control turned to waste.
As she ran through his litany of protective measures earlier, he had to fight off a wince. Admittedly, all lined up like that, the list sounded crazy. The individual pieces made sense at the time, at least in his head. He laid them out and she balked. He handled her objections and assumed they were okay. He thought everything ended up fine. That she understood. In reality, she plotted her escape.
Maybe he had become crazed and over the top. But the kidnapping proved that when he let up, she got hurt.
He rubbed his head as he tried to work it through. The soft whistle had him turning. “Hey.”
Holt moved under the porch light. Even in the darkness, the smirk was tough to miss. “You’re up early.”
Connor decided to ignore the amusement. “Want me to take a shift?” He secretly hoped he’d say no.
Holt shrugged as he swallowed a smile. “I figured you’d be too busy to work.”
Temptation lingered but Connor decided not to kick his friend’s sorry butt. Truth was Connor had been busy and would be again as soon as he could wake Jana up without feeling guilty about it.
He’d dug down deep and found control he didn’t know he possessed. Months apart only fed his need for her. That whole absence making the heart do...whatever...turned out to be true. Without her, the days dragged and the nights proved unbearable.
Still, there were rules, and not talking with the boys about sex with the wife had to be one of them. “I’m thinking Jana would kill me if I agreed to that or said anything about what happened behind that closed door.”
This time Holt laughed, drowning out the noises of the desert. “I know you must be spending at least part of your time begging her to come back.”
Connor moved out to the end of the porch after checking the door behind him. He leaned on the post and stood up again when it groaned under his weight. Sand and rock littered the ground around them but he couldn’t see much of anything. For some reason that struck him as wrong but he didn’t analyze it.
The begging thing. No question he had some groveling ahead of him. There was no need to fight it or pretend his future didn’t include that. “Yeah, well, I’m about to turn on the charm and start pleading.”
Holt stopped smoothing his heel over a loose floorboard and looked at Connor. “You could have told us, you know.”
“About what?”
“That she left.” Holt’s gaze didn’t waver and the intensity suggested the conversation meant something to him. “You handed us a lot of lines and false stories about where she was and when she was coming back. You held it in.”
“There was nothing any of you could do.”
“We could have bought you a beer or taken you for crabs.” Holt looked like he wanted to throw his body off a cliff. “Figure out how to listen, or whatever it is women talk about wanting.”
“I didn’t know what to do, Holt. I really didn’t.” Connor wanted to shirk the conversation off. Crack and joke and act like it didn’t matter. But it did.
“And then you lied to us. I don’t think you’ve ever lied to us about anything else. We kind of depend on that.”
“The choice was wrong. Way wrong and I’m sorry for it.” The nibbling guilt bit harder. “It’s just that the looks on your faces...”
“Because we care about you. About her.”
Talking emotions and private matters didn’t come easy to Connor. Living where he worked tied everything together but he tried to separate out what he could. But in the end these men were his friends and he lied to them by omission, and on occasion outright when he made up excuses for her absence. They deserved better.
Not knowing how to explain it, Connor went with a sensation he thought Holt would understand. “I’m not really into pity. I couldn’t figure out how to lead while sounding so pathetic over losing her.”
“You’re overthinking. It’s likely we would have put you on a plane with Cam and made you come out here to fetch your wife.” Holt closed one eye. “Man, you should have stopped this nonsense long before now.”
Connor felt his defenses rise. There were only two people in the marriage and no one else could understand. But he appreciated Holt wanting Jana home. It was hard to argue with that sentiment since Connor craved the same thing.
“She wasn’t ready to come back.” He took the next step and said the words that crushed him. “I’m not sure if she is now.”
Holt rested his hands on the gun slung over his shoulder. “Nah, the woman I saw loves her husband.”
Connor knew that much. He saw it in every movement and every smile. “Believe it or not, that might not be enough to weather this.”
After blowing out a labored breath, Holt joined Connor at the edge of the porch. They both stared out over the dark night but Holt was the first to talk. “I don’t know anything about marriage.”
“Or women.”
Holt snorted. “Probably true. Honestly, I’m afraid to check in at the Annapolis office lately because relationship fever seems to be sweeping the place. It’s like a virus or something.”
The idea of this strong man—the one with shoulders that suggested he could lift a building and eat a sandwich at the same time—running scared from romance made Connor smile. He got it.
He once said things like that. Then the right woman stepped into his life and he stopped saying uninformed things. “Such a romantic.”
“And now Davis is going to be a dad.”
Connor still couldn’t adjust to that. Davis was rock solid. He followed Connor’s lead and kept the team in order. The thought of him holding this tiny person refused to register in Connor’s head. But he knew Davis would be great at it. He’d been handed a pretty terrible upbringing. No way would he inflict the same on his kid. Those differences resulted in team changes.
The fact Davis changed his priorities said it all to Connor. “He’ll be a good one.”
“No doubt, but I don’t want any part of any of that.”
The bachelors in the group were downright crazed when they said things like this. The entire traveling team got wide eyed and twitchy at the mention of women.
Connor had seen it all before. “Funny, but I’m pretty sure I once heard Davis say the same thing. Davis and Joel and Pax and—”
“Like I said, a virus. Make that a plague.”
Connor chuckled at the way Holt ran scared. “Nice.”
“But, honestly, we’ve known each other a long time.”
Conversations that started that way generally ran downhill. Connor braced for impact. “True.”
“There’s no way she’s with Marcel.”
The sentence bounced around in Connor’s head. Through the waves of jealousy he’d come to the same conclusion. “I know.”
Holt grunted. “Huh, that turned out easier than I expected. Thought I’d have to convince you, maybe threaten to beat you.”
Last thing he needed was a hit to the head from this guy. “I’m slow, not stupid.”
“I’m not sure I’d agree with that,” came a voice from the darkness.
Holt’s gun came up and he shifted into position. The barrel aimed into a dark patch at the back of Marcel’s house. Connor considered it a blind spot, but they were not under attack. He recognized that voice.
He tapped his hand against Holt’s gun. “Ease up.”
A figure broke through the shadows and stood on the edge of the circle of light. Blond and forty, he was a few years older than Connor and probably more fit thanks to his current black ops position. He’d served as a mentor and represented most of Connor’s good memories of the group who used to employ him.
Holt took in the other man and slowly lowered his weapon. “Drake, I’m guessing.”
“And you’re...let me guess.” Drake snapped his fingers as he thought it through. “Holt?”
Holt nodded and held out a hand. “Impressive.”
“Wish I could take the credit for being so astute, but Davis sent photos for me to study during the plane ride. Something about making sure I didn’t shoot a member of the team.”
“Sounds like him.” Connor could always count on Davis.
Drake frowned. “Speaking of which, I lost my cell coverage. Looks like there’s a block around here.”
Connor didn’t like going blind. “Davis and the rest of the team are working on that.”
With the welcomes and general information behind them, Connor concentrated on the man he once knew. He was more slender but still possessed a laser-like focus that increased his already off-the-charts intensity.
“How are you?” A handshake turned into a quick hug complete with back slapping.
“Better than you.” When Drake backed away one of his eyebrows lifted. “Is it true you let Jana get away?”
Apparently the state of his marriage had made the news. Connor shuddered at the thought. “Only temporarily.”
“I still say if I had been the one to move in for the rescue rather than taking lookout, she’d be married to me and you’d be living in a trailer somewhere with a cat.”
Holt barked out a laugh. “Interesting choices.”
“She hasn’t seen you in years, so she might still pick you.” That was the fear. Connor worried that because of his fumbling and heavy-handed protection tactics she’d pick anyone but him.
“Right.” Drake tucked his fingers in back pockets and rocked back on his heels. “So what do we have here?”
“Messed up charity shipments, someone who wants me dead and a kidnapping.” Connor ticked off the list, knowing which line items Drake would hook on to.
“So, the usual,” Holt mumbled.
“Charity as in Boundless?” Drake glared at Connor.
“Yep.”
“You used to swear Marcel was dirty, that his story was off.” Drake joined them in kicking stones. “I figured your radar was off because he wanted your woman.”
“Even then?” Holt asked.
Connor didn’t know why it was a surprise since he didn’t exactly hide the ongoing Marcel issue. “Told you.”
“Marcel’s not her type. She likes big and dumb.” Drake slapped Connor on the back as he made the joke.
“Thanks.”
Drake stared at Marcel’s house. “I say we pick the charity apart until we find something.”
Holt raised a hand. “I’m in.”
This is exactly what Connor thought would happen. Drake assessed and planned. He stepped in and immediately started to plot out a retrieval plan. This time wasn’t any different.
They needed the extra manpower. And no matter how tough Cam was, the guy could use a break and someone other than Davis to talk to, if he could even do that with all the communication problems on this job. “I have a man over there.”
“Enough said.” Drake straightened his belt buckle. “Tell him I’m on the way.”
Connor watched his friend disappear again. It’s what he did. Move in, clean up, vanish. It was the unofficial motto of his old office. Having Drake here dulled the edges of Connor’s tension. Maybe he could settle down and enjoy a few more minutes with his wife without worrying who could sneak up behind him.
He was about to go back inside when Holt’s voice stopped him. “Notice the darkness.”
Connor stared out over the shapes that looked like blobs. “That happens at night.”
Shifting his feet and moving in a slow one-eighty, Holt pointed at the roof lines of the buildings. “I mean it’s too dark. Looks like someone turned off the sensor lights.”
“Interesting.” And like that, Connor’s tension came zooming back. It filled his body and choked off the air around him. The tick in the back of his neck returned as well. “Any chance they were broken by the guys from the porch?”
“No glass.”
Because, of course, he had already checked. Holt was like that. Connor knew because he refined the other man’s training. Not that it took much since Holt bordered on fighting machine when he threw in with Corcoran.
“Footprints?” Connor asked.
Holt shook his head. “No signs of tampering from the outside.”
The words he didn’t say made all the difference. Without cut wires or any other evidence of vandalism, the options dwindled. He loved when that happened. Knowing the players was essential and right now he guessed at their identities. Factoring out his personal feelings wasn’t always easy but the possibilities did keep dwindling.
“So, we’re talking turned off from inside the house.” And since Connor knew his team didn’t cause the damage, the suspect pool shrank again.
“Possible.”
Which Connor took to mean definitely.
From the beginning he’d been looking and assuming the danger rose out of something he’d done. With the repeated attacks and news of the inventory inconsistencies, his view had changed. The anger the leader attached to him. There was more than a twinge of something personal and nasty going on. Connor got that.
There was no question Jana’s role here was as a pawn. She served as the fastest road to him. But he couldn’t separate out his work from the charity. He knew there was a link but couldn’t quite get a handle on it.
“I hate Marcel.” He did. Right down to his bones. Hated his look and his voice and really despised the way he looked at Jana.
In certain circles he was viewed as a savior. Connor looked and saw a phony. Jana had been in his care as an employee of sorts twice and got kidnapped both times. Either she’d found something or her conscience served as a potential burden. Something wasn’t right and it all traced back to Marcel. It had to.
“Sounds like your dislike is not without reason. Frankly, I’m amazed you can get through ten minutes without punching that guy,” Holt said with a trace of anger in his voice. “Do we confront him now?”
Connor thought the punching part sounded good. Shut down the charity and throw the guy in jail. Connor knew it wasn’t rational and the evidence he had didn’t support any of it, but in this case reason flew out the window.