Tracing Hearts (7 page)

“Can I help you?”

I try to calm my nerves and slow my panting breaths.

“Yes, sir. I’m here to see Julia, please.”

There. Words. They’re out. Although, they sound breathy, as if I just ran all the way from Germany.

“What’s this about, son? It’s not really a good time.”

He begins to shut the door, but I extend my arm, placing my palm flat against it, in turn, halting his progress.

“I’m sorry, sir. This can’t wait.”

His annoyed expression almost turns to a scowl as my hand stays steadily on the front door.

“Son, look—”

“Sir, you don’t understand. I know about her mother, your wife, and I’m so sorry for your loss, but I need to see her. It’s a matter of life or death.”

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, but the door remains only partially open. I decide to go against his obvious wishes and get Julia’s attention.

“Julia!” I shout. “Julia, please!
Please!
” Her father is perplexed, and I believe a little angry as he tries to shut the door, using more force this time. I just hold my ground and keep yelling her name. “Julia!” He pushes harder, and the door is all but closed when suddenly, I hear a small, quiet voice.

“Dad, who is it?” We both stop pushing the door, and its swings in a bit. There, standing in the foyer, is Julia Rose Bessette.

Sebastian

Oh, my God. I stand paralyzed as my breath comes in short bursts. She’s standing only feet away from me, and she’s beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. She goes from looking at her father, to looking at me, and I inhale sharply. Her hair is light brown, with golden streaks of blond, and it cascades onto her shoulders. Her eyes, which are pink from crying, are wonderfully outlined by her long lashes. Her lips are full. I bet they’re soft. Her brow furrows as she tries to analyze my face. I swallow and wait to see if she knows me. Then, recognition parts her lips as her eyes widen fractionally. She swallows.

“Sebastian?” Her voice is almost inaudible, and I can see the doubt on her face. She needs confirmation.

A small smile lifts the corners of my mouth but just slightly. I still don’t know how she’ll react to the news that I’m standing in front of her, uninvited.

“Hi,” I say softly and nod.

She exhales, but her face remains expressionless. This could go either way.

“I—I’m confused.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…I was going to tell you…” Words fail me.

“Honey, do you know this boy?” her father breaks in. She looks up at him.

“Yes, dad. I know him. This is Sebastian.” Her eyes find mine again but this time, they're warmer.

“Sebastian? Not the one from Germany.” She nods her head, and his head swings in my direction. “What on earth is he doing here?”

I shrug. “I heard about Mrs. Bessette …Julia’s mother…er, your wife, sir. Julia seemed so sad about her illness. And, well, I just had to come…to see if I could, er…help. I didn’t realize it was too late.” I look at Julia, and her eyes begin to well up with tears. “Mr. Bessette? Would it be okay if I spoke with your daughter for a while? I’ve come along way and…”

He looks sternly at me. I try not to shrink under his stare.
Stand up tall, soldier
.
My own father’s voice echoes in my head. I straighten, pulling my shoulders back and downward. He’s eyeing me, probably unsure of what to say.

“I’ll be fine, daddy. I’ve known him for six years. He’s not going to hurt me.” Her eyes are sincere as she begs him to let me stay. His expression softens in a way that’s, most likely, reserved only for his daughters.

“All right. But, don’t stay out here too long. We have a long day tomorrow.” He places a protective hand on her shoulder, while smiling kindly at her. Then, his stare lands on me. In warning? I take heed. Cautiously, he reenters the house, closing the door behind him. My attention returns to my pen pal. I gesture toward the stoop with my hand.

“You want to sit?”

She nods warily, her eyes as big as saucers. We each take a seat on the cold, concrete step in front of her house. She puts at least a foot in between us. Where do I start?

“I’m sorry to just burst into your life like this, but your email was worrisome.”

My heart is pounding so loud that I’m sure she can hear it.

“My email?” Her brow furrows. She’s confused.

“Yes. I was going to wait until tomorrow to surprise you, but your email made me rush over. I’m sorry. If there was any other way to stop you, I would have.”

“Stop me from what?”

I sigh.

“Look, I don’t know if you’d actually do it but…I didn’t know what else to do…”

Realization dawns and her expression lightens. “…You thought I was going to hurt myself?” she says quietly.

“Well…um...” I pause. “Yes?” I grimace, hoping I didn’t just make a wrong assumption.

She giggles. “Sebastian, I have no plans of hurting myself.” She laughs a little more. “I might’ve written that, but it wasn’t meant to be taken literally. I’m sorry if you thought otherwise.” Her smile could light up this whole neighborhood, and the sight of it does things to me.

“Oh, God. I’m so sorry,” I snort. “I’m such an ass.” Embarrassed, I chuckle slightly, then feel that maybe I shouldn’t be laughing at a time like this. “Sorry,” I say, apologizing for my outburst.

She giggles again.

“Don’t be sorry. This is the first time I’ve laughed since I found out about the cancer. It feels good.” She smiles warmly.

An awkward silence creeps in, neither of us knowing what to say next.

“Well, now that I know you’re not going to throw yourself off the roof or anything…” I try to make light of the situation.

“Or jump in front of a bus,” she chimes in.

I smile.

“Nah. Too messy. You’re better off skydiving without a parachute.”

“You don’t think
that
would be messy?”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right. You should probably just chuck the whole idea.”

“Mmm. Perhaps,” she says, attempting to keep a straight face.

We smirk at each other, just before we burst out laughing. I’m shaking my head, amazed at how this awful, horrible, terrible night is turning out. I hold out my hand.

“Hi, I’m Sebastian.”

She accepts my hand and shakes it.

“Julia.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Julia.”

“Likewise,” she nods.

We smile for the millionth time tonight, and I can’t help feeling as if something good might be starting.

“So, you’re in town. How long?”

“A week,” I say.

“That’s not very long.”

“I know.” Silence falls again. I feel the need to say something about her mother. “I’m sorry…about your mom, I mean.”

Her face falls, her eyes become glassy, and I instantly regret my words. A tear falls down her cheek, but she dashes it away with the back of her hand.

“Thanks. It’s fine. I mean, I’ll be fine.” Her voice is shaky. I need to change the subject.

“Your dad seems angry that I just showed up like this.”

She snorts. “My dad’s not a bad guy. He’s just very protective.”

“And scary.”

We both laugh, but she agrees with my assessment.

“So, what now?” she asks.

“I don’t know. You probably won’t have the time or the capacity to do anything this week.”

She shrugs. “I’ll make time and the find the capacity. After all, you’re only here for a week.”

Her smile this time is wistful. I know my timing really sucks.

“You don’t have to—”

“No, it’s okay. I want to. I need to stay busy, or I’ll go insane.” She crosses her eyes and pokes out her tongue to be funny.

“Okay,” I say, chuckling. “We’ll do what we can. I don’t want to interfere with any…engagements you might have going on this week.”

“That sounds good.”

I hear the front door open, and Julia’s dad looks out.

“Julia. It’s time to come in.”

“Okay, Dad,” she says, looking back at him, then turns to me. “I’ll email you, okay?”

“Okay.” I hold out my hand again. “It was a pleasure meeting you…what was your name again?”

She giggles.

“Good night, Sebastian.”

We shake hands with the agreement to do something as soon as possible.

Julia

I close the door behind me and lean against it. I can feel my erratic heartbeat begin to return to normal as I take in deep, cleansing breaths. I take one last breath and blow it out slowly. I can’t believe he’s here. I think I’m in shock. He looks good. Really good.
Too
good. His face has matured since the last picture I received, or maybe it’s just that pictures don’t do him justice. I don't know. His brown hair is still too long, and it hangs just above his eyes, but it looks good on him. The tight t-shirt tells me he works out a bit. I sigh. Wow. He really is here, and he’s here to see me. I’m just not sure this is a good time. I’m not sure I can set aside my grief long enough to spend much time with him. My face falls, and Dad takes notice.

“Everything okay, honey?”

“Yes. Everything’s fine. I’m just a little shocked to see Sebastian, that’s all.”

He snorts.

“Yeah. All the way from Germany, just to see you. How about that?”

I smile, but it’s small.

“Yeah. How about that,” I say quietly. My smile fades and is replaced by sadness. Dad comes to stand next to me, placing his arm around my shoulder and giving it a squeeze.

“You know, maybe hanging out with that boy this week could help keep your mind off things,” he says. “I know losing your mom is still very fresh, and Sebastian’s timing couldn’t be worse, but he’s here, none the less, and I think you should consider it.” I nod my head, and he kisses it lovingly. “Why don’t you head back upstairs and get some sleep?”

I agree and climb the steps to my room.

Dear Sebastian,

It was certainly a surprise to see you on my doorstep just now. I hope I didn’t look too terrible, with all the crying I’ve been doing. I’m sure my face was a sight to see. I’m happy you’re here, despite how it might have appeared. This whole week has been one big whirlwind. I’m having trouble focusing on any one thing, so I cannot be held responsible for anything odd I may have said. ;) Anyway, I have some free time tomorrow. If you’d like, we could hang out. My mother’s viewing and funeral are both in a few days, so we might not get to see each other. I’d like to take every opportunity I can get to visit with you before you go back to Germany. I’m giving you my phone number, so you can call or text me too. Well, I’m going to go. Don’t count on me looking too much like a normal human being when I see you. Between the recent events, and the fact that you’re here, I’m sure sleep will not be easy to achieve.

Love and dark circles,

Julia

I close my laptop and settle into bed.

***

The light that bursts into my bedroom window is searing. I can barely open my eyes. In my absentminded state, I must’ve forgotten to close the curtains partway, to block the unwanted rays of sunshine. I squint, holding my hand up as a shield. What time is it? I turn to look at the clock. Nine-fifty. I slept in more than I anticipated. I sit up and wince at the instant headache I feel. Ouch. I bet this is what a hangover feels like, only I haven’t had any alcohol. No, this is a grief hangover. It’s much worse, I’m certain.

I jump into the shower. As I wash, thoughts of sadness are mixed with happy thoughts. I miss my mom terribly. I miss her for me but also for Toria. She’s only had her for six years. I’ve had her for much longer. Still, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough time. Idly, I wonder if everyone feels this way about losing their mom, no matter what the age.

I step out, get dressed, and fire up my laptop. There are a few emails in my inbox, but the one I’m most interested in is from Sebastian. He must’ve sent it last night.

Dear Julia,

No worries. You looked perfect, puffy face and all. In fact, I can’t imagine you looking any better. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Have any idea of what you might like to do? Whatever you want, I’m in. It’s been a long time since I’ve been back in the states, so I have no idea what people our age do. I guess you’ll have to take the lead. Until then, sleep well, and dream good dreams.

Love and Melatonin,

Sebastian

PS. I can’t use my phone here, so I’ll have to buy another one.

My grin is wide. I fall backward across my bed and contemplate what to do today. We could start off with lunch. That sounds like a good idea, or at the very least, a good start. I hit reply and send him an email, informing him of where and when to meet me. I get one back, stating he’ll pick me up. I grin and agree.

***

Within an hour, my doorbell rings.

“I’ll get it!” I shout, notifying my dad that he can relax. I open the door, and there he stands. His face, illuminated by the sun, is as handsome as I remember from last night. Maybe even more so, now that I can see it better. I smile. “Good morning,” I say.

“Good morning. How are you?” The corners of his mouth are turned up in a pleasant enough way, but I sense maybe he’s trying to gauge my mood.
Is she sad or happy?
He’s probably trying to decide how to act. I frown.

“You know, you don’t have to walk on eggshells with me today. I’m going out to have a good time with my long time, pen pal, who just happened to show up, unannounced, on my doorstep last night. And, despite the fact that I looked like a cartoon character, he showed up again. So, there’ll be no watching what you say to me because I’ll be able to tell, and I’ll take a taxi home. Got it?”

He shows off his perfectly straight teeth as he grins broadly.

“Yes, Ma’am. Are you ready to go then?” He offers me his elbow. I loop my arm through his.

“Yep. Let’s go,” I say, and we head for his rental car.