Tracking the Tempest (28 page)

All of a sudden, I was packed. Which meant I'd lost “packing” as a diversionary tactic. So I zipped up my suitcase and walked it to the top of the staircase before coming back to kneel in front of Ryu.

“Ryu—” I pleaded, but he didn't let me start.

“No, Jane. I
know
you. I know you love me. Fine, it's not the same as what you felt for Jason. But you were
children
. Of course it's not the same. We're adults, living with all the compromises and bullshit and worries that adults have to deal with.”

I sat stunned at the mention of Jason.

“Ryu,” I said finally. “This isn't about Jason—”

“Is it about Anyan, then?”

“What the hell does Anyan have to do with anything?”

“Don't be stupid.”

I blinked at Ryu, having gone from stunned to shocked. He was so pissed off suddenly, and I didn't understand why. Was he jealous of the barghest? Who I'd seen, what, a handful of times in the past four months before this week? And the only reason I even saw him this week was because of Ryu and his irritating inability to keep business and pleasure separate.

I remembered Anyan saying something to that effect to Ryu, all those months ago, and I flushed. Was I just one more example of Ryu's boundary issues?

“Ryu, I don't know where any of this is coming from. I don't compare you to Jason, and I certainly don't compare you to Anyan. But you're asking so much from me, and you can't expect me to make decisions this big, this quickly.”

I watched as Ryu scrubbed a hand through his rich, chestnut hair. I ached to touch him, to erase everything that had just been said, to go back in time and start over from when we'd lain in bed, curled around each other, just a few hours ago.

“I'm only asking if you love me, Jane. That shouldn't be hard to answer.”

Fuck this,
I thought, suddenly tired of diplomacy.

“Well it
is
difficult to answer. We don't see each other often, and when we do, everything is cushioned by the fact that we're on vacation, in some B and B, where nothing is real. I don't know that I
know
you, Ryu. And, to be honest, I doubt that you really know me any better.”

His face fell, and I sighed. “Look, I'm not saying I don't want to get to know you. Or that I don't think we have a future together. I just don't
know
. And I don't want to find out by giving up everything that is important to me on the off chance that we will work out. How would you feel if I asked you to move to Rockabill?”

He gave me a contemptuous look. “Jane, please…”

I nodded my head sharply. “Exactly. Why should a deal breaker for
you
be an acceptable compromise for
me
?”

“But we can't just continue like this, Jane.”

“Why can't we? Relationships take time. We've given ours four months.”

“Well, then
I
can't continue this way,” he replied mulishly, staring down at his hands.

Oh, shit,
I thought, realizing this argument had, for him, become about pride.

This time, when he looked up at me, my heart froze. I knew the look on his face because I'd seen it before. Ryu was a gambling man, a poker player, and I recognized when he was about to put everything he had on the line.

“Jane,” he began, but I interrupted him.

“Ryu,” I begged. “Don't do this. Don't make me choose.”

But Ryu hadn't listened to anything I'd said. He thought I was a safe bet. He was so convinced he knew me, so convinced he held all the good cards.

“Honey, I know you want this. You're scared, and it's a big step. But it's
right
, and you know it.”

“Ryu—”

“No, Jane. I can't live like this. You can't live like this. We are either together, or we're not. That's all there is to it.”

“Please. Do
not
do this.”

“No, that's it. You either love me or you don't. It's that simple.”

“You're giving me an ultimatum. That's what we've come down to.”

“Yes,” Ryu said, but I knew he was lying. He didn't think it
was
an ultimatum. He thought he was just giving me an out, making this whole process easier for me. If he “made” me move to Boston, I didn't have to feel guilty about leaving my father or Rockabill or Nell and the others.

He was so sure he knew me. That he knew my desires, my ambitions, what made me content and what made me proud. What made me Jane.

I sat staring into his eyes. There was a woman there, reflected back at me, whom I didn't even begin to recognize. And I suddenly realized that he knew nothing.

That said, I was as surprised as he was when I got up and left.

Surprised, and heartbroken, and entirely certain I was doing the right thing.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

S
o you broke up with Ryu?” Iris asked, her beautiful blue eyes huge.

“No, not really. Kind of. I don't know. I walked out.”

“You walked out?”

“I did, indeed. I believe I did what is known as ‘hotfooting' it. Or ‘scarpered,' as they say in Britain. I made like a refrigerator and ran… Rob Roys are delicious, did you know that?”

“Yes, you told me that. Two Rob Roys ago.”

“Bullshit. I've had only one.
This
is my second.”

“No, that's your third. You, Jane True, are schnockered.”

“That is so not true, succubus. I am merely… well lubricated.”

“You know what happens when you say that word around me. So be good. And tell me what
happened
, for Pete's sake.”

I sighed, then took a very large gulp of my second Rob Roy. Or was it my third? Sarah had taken one look at my disheveled appearance and she'd gone straight for the Sty's secret stash. She and Marcus were Scotch drinkers, and they kept a little collection of
very
good stuff hidden behind the bar for special friends. She'd pulled out a bottle of Balvenie Signature, as she already knew I liked bourbon, and whipped me up a Rob Roy. After one sip, I knew Rob was my new best friend.

If you asked me to move to Boston, things might be different,
I told the charming Mr. Roy, even as my lovely Scotch concoction whispered to me that it might be a good idea to start my story at how I got home, because it was pretty durn funny. So I told Iris about how the pizza-delivery guy had just been getting out of his car when I walked out of Ryu's front door. He'd agreed, once I promised to pay for the pizza and give him an extra twenty, to drive me down Commonwealth Avenue to where I remembered seeing an Enterprise Rent-A-Car. That said, the delivery guy wasn't quite so keen when Ryu came chasing us down the street after he figured out I hadn't just carried my suitcase downstairs to pout.

Unfortunately, the rental car company had been closed. I'd called Julian for a ride to a hotel, but he'd shown up with Caleb, and they'd insisted on driving me back, all the way to Maine.

“I told them, ‘He's going to be
soooo
pissed at you when he finds out you drove me home.' But they didn't care.”

In fact, Caleb had responded to my warning by saying, “Fuck it,” his mahogany baritone making the obscenity sound strangely dignified.

“Yeah, fuck it!” Julian had chortled, like a little kid. My fellow halfling had gotten an enormous kick out of sticking it to the man. Or vampire. Whatever.

“And so they drove me home,” I concluded. “And even though I haven't slept in, like, forty-eight hours, I
still
couldn't fucking sleep. So I called you, and you took me out to get drunk. Because you, Iris, are a good friend.” I sighed and leaned back in my seat. In reality, the tiny part of me that was still curiously sober couldn't believe I'd walked out on Ryu.

“So is it, like,
over
over?” Iris asked.

“Pshaw. No. I do really care for him. But he had to know that I'm not a pushover. Okay, fine, you can physically push me over, as that fucking incubus demonstrated. But I'm not about to be bullied into moving to Boston.”

“Nor should you be, Jane,” Iris said emphatically, and I raised my now-half-empty—or was it half-full?—glass to toast with her.

“So what, exactly, did he do? Was it just the ultimatum that pissed you off?”

At Iris's question, I stopped and really tried to break down what it was about Ryu's demands that had bothered me so much. Obviously there was the drama-queen aspect of landing that ultimatum on me, especially after everything we'd just been through. Everything
I
had been through. You didn't demand someone make major life changes when they'd been beaten to a pulp the night before. And why did
I
have to move? That would be one stonkingly big compromise on my part.

But is compromise such a bad thing?
the maraschino cherry in my drink inquired philosophically.
It's the first thing you're taught in kindergarten, after all. How to share each other's toys
. I groaned softly, rubbing my palms into my eyes. Then I ate the damned cherry.

“The thing is, Iris, I've never liked the idea of compromise. In films and in stories, people who love each other—really love each other—make horrendous sacrifices. They give kidneys, they move across the world, they
die
. Or become the undead, because you know I like that sort of book. Basically, the heroine's lover calls, and she answers. Which is stupid. You know why?”

Iris shook her head.

“Because he's always fucking calling.”

Iris nodded, pushing my water toward me. I ignored it and took another drink of my delicious, golden-brown, new best friend.

“So I've never liked that idea, Iris. You know why?” Iris again shook her head. “Because I think that sometimes, when you really love somebody, you don't ask them for the kind of compromise that is actually a sacrifice. The kind where one person gives up everything they have, everything they are, just so they can be with the other person. And you certainly don't
expect
that shit. You don't
expect
someone to prove their love. To love you that little bit more than you love them.”

I took another long draught of my drink. Pontificating was thirsty work, and I needed to wet the old whistle. Then I could wax poetic.
Or babble like a drunken lunatic,
the cherry mumbled, vengefully, from the pit of my stomach. I went right ahead and digested it into submission.

“What Ryu wants from me,” I warned, waggling my finger emphatically in the air, “I can't give him. Not now, and maybe not ever. I don't know whether it's because I don't love him, or because I can't love him for
demanding
something like that from me. Or because he doesn't know me for squat. But I couldn't give him my whole life. And that's what he wanted from me. He wanted everything, and I wanted him to love me for what I had already offered.” I paused, suddenly worried. And because I had to hiccough.

“Iris, am I a bad person?”

“No, honey, you're not a bad person,” my friend responded, leaning over to grab my hand.

I blinked for two reasons when she touched me. The first was that I realized, suddenly, that I was completely shitfaced. The second, however, was because I also realized that despite the fact that I was schlitzed, and still a basket case from everything that had happened over the last week, my shields had gone up, totally reflexively, the minute Iris reached for me.

“I think I learned a lot on vacation,” I whispered at my friend, leaning conspiratorially across the table toward her.

“I think you did too, honey,” Iris said, laughing.

“And I figured out that thing with the two fingers and the Twizzlers you told me about…”

Iris began laughing almost immediately, and I felt good, sitting there with my friend. Then again, it might just have been the booze. I knew I still had to deal with Ryu like an adult, but we—me and the three Rob Roys floating around in my stomach—were secretly thrilled that I'd walked out like that. I felt… sassy. Like I should be in a rock video.

Then it was my turn to bust my guts laughing when Iris told me about everything that had gone down in the bookstore while I was away. I'd had a long talk with Grizzie and Tracy as soon as I got back to Rockabill. They had been amazingly understanding. Basically, Grizzie had said she didn't have a leg to stand on, since she was constantly disappearing herself. And Tracy said that she understood life sometimes got the better of us. I still felt guilty, however, and I had promised to open the store—off the clock, single-handedly, and even when I wasn't working that day—for the next month so they could sleep in.

But they'd also been sketchy about what had happened while I was away. I think they didn't want to make me feel guilty. So Iris spilled the beans.

Apparently, Miss Carol had taken Linda on as her cause célèbre. Don't get me wrong, Miss Carol was one lecherous gnome. But she firmly believed in
consensual
lechery. So she'd refused to let Linda purchase any of her pulp-fiction rape fantasies. Instead, Miss Carol had started Linda on an initial course of feminist antibiotics: Wollstonecraft, Millett, and Greer. When Linda hadn't responded to treatment, Miss Carol had switched to something more aggressive. If Linda wanted violence, Miss Carol would give her pain tempered with philosophy. So poor Linda left
Read It and Weep
buried under a stack of Henry Miller, D. H. Lawrence, and the Marquis de Sade. She'd returned, two days later, clutching a copy of
Justine
and crying her eyes out. Before Miss Carol could slip Linda
Philosophy in the Bedroom
, Amy had intervened. She'd sent Linda home with Danielle Steele and a cupcake, before firmly lecturing Miss Carol about tampering with the humans.

I was nearly snorting Rob Roy out of my nose when Iris's phone rang. I recovered fast when she said, “Hold on,” and held the phone out toward me.

“It's Ryu. Should I tell him to bugger off ?”

I took a deep breath, then a sip of my water, then shook my head.

“No, I'll talk to him.”

She passed me the phone and slipped out of our booth to go chat with Marcus at the bar.

“Jane?”

“I'm here.”

“You made it home okay.”

“Yes, I'm fine.”

There was an awkward silence.

“I tried your cell—”

“I have it on silent,” I cut in.

Crickets chirped.

“Why did you leave like that?”

I shrugged, and then remembered he couldn't see me.

“I dunno. I just didn't feel like you left me with any options.”

“So you walked out.”

“You weren't listening. You were making declarations. You are not George Bush.”

“What?”

“I'm not with you or against you, Ryu. I care about you, but I can't just up and leave my life here. It was unfair of you to ask me to do that, and especially unfair right then.”

There was silence from the other end of the line. I was just about to up my bitchiness ante by pressing End when he finally spoke.

“You're right. I'm sorry. I was a dick.”

“Yup.”

“I'm sorry. Really, I am. I was just so afraid when we lost you… I never took the idea of losing you seriously till then. I can't lose you, Jane. I can't.” Ryu's voice nearly broke, sending me over the edge.

“Oh, Ryu…” I sniffled as tears formed in my eyes.

“Are we all right?”

I thought about that, scrubbing my shirt over my face to wipe up any tears. Then I looked to my Rob Roy for moral support. When none was forthcoming, I drank it.

“Jane?”

“I don't know, Ryu.” I hated having to tell him this, but I had to. “Because you were right, too. We can't just go on like this, I guess. Especially now. Maybe we need a break. Or a rain check. I've got so much going on, and I really need to be…
stronger
to be with you.”

“Baby, I would never hurt you.”

I snorted. “Ryu, I don't mean stronger for you. I mean stronger so I can
go
anywhere with you. I got
creamed
last week. The floor was mopped with me. I never want to be in that position again.”

“You were fine, Jane. You did well. You saved
us
.”

“You only saw me post-Caleb, Ryu. You didn't see the punches. I got
punched
. A lot. Then bit, and not one of your sexy bites. I mean
bitten
. I probably need a rabies shot. Oh, and whipped. Let's not forget the whipping. And that's just what Graeme had on for starters.”

Ryu was silent for a moment before he swore softly.

“Jane, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize.”

For a second, I considered harping on the fact that he
didn't
realize—didn't realize how fucked up I was from everything that had happened. That I still had a weird ache, which I knew damned well was purely psychological, where Graeme had bitten clean through my lip. That I was hoping alcohol would grant me sleep, finally, despite the dreams that plagued me. How, when I closed my eyes, Conleth was there waiting… if I was lucky. Because Graeme was there if I wasn't.

In the end, however, I didn't bother. Instead, I told him that it was okay, that we'd talk soon. That I needed a few days to rest and get my head round everything. That I'd call when I was ready.

I knew Ryu wasn't happy, and he wanted something more concrete. But he was shit out of luck.

When I got off the phone, I sat for a second, feeling a bit numb. Not least because I'd managed to imbibe the remaining dregs of my Rob Roy. I was more booze than Jane at that point.

“Are you all right?”

“Iris, your voice is like honeysuckles and stars. With a unicorn in it.”

“Hmm. I think it's time to go home.”

“No, let's go dancing. You know, I've
never
gone dancing? I've lived a sheltered life.”

“I know, honey. C'mon, we can talk about it in the car.”

“Or we can go to Mexico. ‘You boys like Mex-eee-ko?’” I quoted, laughing. “I love
Super Troopers
.”