Okay, so I took on more than I thought when I’d first invited him to coffee. I’ve never been one to back away from a challenge and I wasn’t about to start now.
Plus, you know, that whole
I think I might love him
thing. I glanced up and for once I hoped he could see the depth of my feelings in my expression.
I know how I look while I’m sucking his cock, he made me look in a mirror once when I did it. I know what it does to him when he realizes I have my entire undivided attention focused on him. Shit, I wish my hands were free so I could grab him by the hips, pull him down my throat and hold him there.
Never mind, I did the next best thing.
Humming Coldplay while giving head might not be considered a big turn-on by some, but it worked for me. And him. Master Gareth bucked his hips forward when I hit the high notes. I knew I had him the moment he grabbed me by the head and held me still. It took me a few times to get used to him doing this, expecting me to be perfectly still while he fucked my face. Not once have I ever felt used by him, less than the woman I am. If anything it gave me a sense of power. I reduced him to this—me, simple little Liz. I was a goddess on my knees.
“Fuck.” His fingers dug into my head a moment before his cum filled my mouth.
I tried my best to swallow down every drop, but let’s be honest, that only happens in porn movies. A long string of cum slipped from my mouth to roll down my chin. It was messy and sticky and fuck, if it wasn’t the best thing ever. I loved it. Loved him.
Yeah, best not to dwell on those feelings.
Master Gareth pulled out and yanked me to my feet. It took him a second to free my hands and rub some life back into them. The pins-and-needles sensation was one I’d always enjoyed. Now having someone not only willing to inflict the feeling on me in the best way possible, but also able to help chase it away afterward, made me one happy woman.
His tug on the chain currently linking the nipple clamps together brought me back to the moment. I looked up into his eyes and my mind simply stopped. The chaos that normally swirls around stilled as my heart rate doubled.
“You’re such a good girl, Liz.” He cupped my cheek and ran his thumb along the side of my nose. “I can’t imagine—”
God, I hated when he did that. Yes, we had all these rules in place to make sure we’re both protected, but I’m tired of playing it safe. I want him to want me. I want him to need me.
I want him to finish those goddammed sentences.
Before I had a chance to complain, Master Gareth scooped me up and carried me over to the couch. My legs were pushed back and his head was between my legs before my brain had time to register it. A hand was wrapped around the chain between my breasts and he tugged as he licked me. He never gave me time to mentally catch up to what he did to my body.
It was fucking great.
My pussy was soaked from a combination of his saliva and my juices as he sucked my clit. I had no choice but to come. The throbbing pain from my nipples only served to add to the sensation, the overwhelming rush that exploded from me, obliterating everything that lay in its path.
For a few blessed moments, I wasn’t Liz. There was nothing but the sensation or heat, pleasure and pain reducing me to my base elements.
It always took me a while to mentally reassemble myself after Master Gareth took me apart. He never once rushed me, knowing that coming down in my own way had become a part of my process, moving from my sub headspace to my Liz headspace.
I didn’t move when I felt him get up from the couch. Couldn’t bother to open my eyes when I heard him zip up his pants and gather the blanket from the floor. The soft warmth was a welcome feeling after our session and I had to fight the urge to burrow into it and drift off to sleep.
“Let me get those clamps off you.”
Yeah, I whimpered. No matter how many times he used those damn things on me, getting them off sucked. Maybe I’m more sensitive there than some subs. I’m not sure. I just hope I’ll get used to the sensation soon.
Oh, but he did use his mouth to soothe me when he took off first one, then the other. There were perks to the pain. The aftercare was wonderful.
“Are you warm enough?” He pushed my hair from my face. I really should open my eyes, but I had something I wanted to ask him and I knew I wouldn’t be able to if I had to look him in the eye.
“I’m good.”
“Liz?”
“Don’t you want to have sex with me?”
Somehow asking that simple question hurt more than the flogging. I really didn’t want to consider why.
“I believe we both had orgasms.”
I did open my eyes at that. Was he purposely being obtuse, or just trying to get me going? “That’s not sex. Not the kind I’m talking about.”
Gareth sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was a sexy nose. I wished I had the energy to kiss it. “Liz, we’ve talked about this. I’m not ready for a relationship. Not yet.”
Now, I know I’m still new to the whole Dom and sub thing. I know that doing a scene isn’t the same as having a romantic relationship. Connie and Stephen know lots of people who are professional Doms who never once sleep with their subs. But what we share isn’t that.
We’ve done coffee. Gone to movies. Hell, I’ve been known to chat with him on the phone just to shoot the shit or bitch about how one of my coworkers is an idiot. That’s a bit more than a professional relationship.
I really want him to fuck me.
I want him to find the courage to take the next step with me.
I really don’t want to be alone anymore.
But I’m not willing to push him. I don’t want to risk being
that girl
who becomes so needy that the man is forced to flee to Mexico and hang out on the beaches, half drunk on tequila. I know we’ve only known each other for a few months, but there is this connection between us that I can feel whenever we’re together.
I’m not willing to accept he doesn’t feel it too.
Not without a fight.
Until he’s ready, I’ll wait.
So I nodded and did my best to keep my disappointment off my face. “Are you still marking exams?”
For a man who prided himself on his control, his face was an open book when he wasn’t in Dom mode. His relief was apparent. “Only a few more essays to go then I get to relax for a bit.”
“Maybe we can do a movie then. There are actually a few good ones I’ve been itching to see.”
He smiled at me then and I’m pretty damn certain if I’d been able to have a second orgasm I would have. “One of your action movies?”
“Of course!” I pulled the blanket up to my chin. “
Kaboom!
”
“Get some rest, crazy-head. I’ll talk to you in a few days.”
He kissed my forehead and moved to get his things. I would normally have gotten up and followed him around until he left, but I wasn’t able to move. My busy brain had kicked back in and I’d begun pondering. I neatly labeled the issue
Gareth
, opened a mental file and began to compile a list of my concerns.
I don’t remember hearing him leave.
Chapter Two
“You know, I think I might need to break things off with Gareth.”
The plate Connie had been drying dropped to the sink with a crash as she spun around to glare at me. “What the hell are you talking about? You can’t break up with him. You’re perfect for each other.”
Now, I always tell Connie everything, it’s been our thing since we became best friends. She’s heard all my frustrations, my fears, hell, she knows when my period is going to start before I do. But I’d been a tiny bit terrified to say anything to her about this because I knew this was the reaction I was going to get.
I’d chosen to face this particular conversation sitting down. My coffee mug was hot enough to burn my hands, but I held on tight. Pain was always helpful when I was trying to focus. Something else Gareth had taught me.
Gareth.
I’d barely slept the night before as I mentally battled with myself over this. I knew I’d somehow let things get too emotional on my end. And he’d been clear from the start—at this stage he wasn’t ready to get into a relationship. He wasn’t saying never, just not right now.
I wanted now.
“The thing is, he doesn’t seem to want to move beyond what we have going.” Truth was, I wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready to move on. I can’t imagine the pain he went through, losing a wife that way. And while I wouldn’t expect a person would ever
get over
something like that, I hoped that after four years he might be ready to let someone else in.
Perhaps me.
Connie flipped the dish towel over her shoulder, leaned back against the counter and crossed her arms. “Spill.”
Really, talking about my period was less embarrassing than trying to converse about this with her. “He doesn’t want to have sex with me.”
“Umm, hello. I’ve been kicked out of the bloody condo on more than one occasion because the two of you have been doing the nasty.”
If only. “Well, he’s been doing things to me.”
“You say if as if it’s a bad thing.”
“It isn’t.” God, was I really complaining about the fact I’d been getting awesome orgasms? Apparently. “He’s been helping me explore my limits and learn what I enjoy with this stuff. And I love talking to him.”
“Then why the hell are you thinking about breaking up with him? That doesn’t make even a little bit of sense.”
“Because he won’t have sex with me. Actually take his wonderfully hung cock and put it into my very willing vagina. He’ll go without coming before he’d do that to me and I don’t know why.”
Actually, that was a lie. I knew exactly why he wouldn’t fuck me—his deceased wife.
I’ve never considered myself to be a jealous woman before now, but I couldn’t deny that I held a small measure of that emotion toward a woman who I’m sure was a wonderful lady. Gareth loved her, still did, and I was scared there wasn’t going to be any room for me inside him.
Connie came over and fell into the chair across from me. “Stephen asked me the other day how I thought the two of you were making out. He’s been worried about Gareth for a while now.”
It had taken a while for me to learn about Stephen and Gareth. They’d been friends for years, coming into the scene around the same time. Where Gareth was quiet and thoughtful, Stephen was more showy and vocal. Connie loved that Stephen would let his Dom tendencies slip into their outside lives. She’d told me once that when he got possessive of her in front of other people, it made her feel special in a way she couldn’t describe. I got that now that I’ve been with Gareth for a while.
Sure, people would say that we’re a bit dysfunctional for wanting to belong to another person in that manner. I say fuck them. Who are they to tell me what I can and cannot enjoy? What the hell is normal anymore anyway? Love is love and attraction is attraction. As long as everyone is consenting then there aren’t any problems.
Plus most of my
normal
relationships turned out horribly.
Connie reached out and patted my hand. “Liz?”
“He’s never talked about her or openly compared me to her. It’s not as if he’s being an asshole or anything. But I get the feeling he won’t fuck me because it would be too much like cheating on her.”
“She’s been dead for four years. He needs to move on at some point.”
I’m not going to lie, I honestly haven’t been that deeply love with anyone. It’s not that I’m shallow or incapable of it, but before now there hasn’t been that spark of light that I’d felt with any of my previous men. The knowledge that with a few well-timed breaths, the spark would begin to blaze. It was something I wanted to experience.
Preferably with Gareth.
“Do you really want to break up with him?” Connie reached across and took my hand. “If you do, know you have my support. Stephen knows him well enough to get it and won’t be pissed either. Hell, he’ll probably bitch Gareth out for upsetting you.”
“Thanks.”
Did I really want to do that? Walk away without another glance?
When I was alone at night I would still imagine seeing Gareth for the first time, not when he was under the spotlight on stage at the charity auction, but when he was peeking out from behind the curtain. I thought he was the most beautiful man I’d ever laid eyes on. Now that I’ve been able to get to know him a bit better, my opinion has only strengthened.
I loved it when he’d smile. Not the ones he put on for show. No, it was when something would catch him off guard and he’d let out a surprised chuckle. That smile would reach his eyes, making them sparkle. More and more I was starting to see him this way, and every time I fell in love with him a bit more.
Did I really want to walk away? Or did I want to take a chance and see if I could light that spark inside him?
Screw that.
“No, I don’t want to break up with him. I just don’t know how to make this work.”
Connie nodded once, giving my hand a squeeze. “Remember me telling you about my dog Andy?”
“The lab?”
“Yeah. He was a pain in the ass. I loved that stupid mutt despite all the shit he would get into. We got to a point though where my parents wanted me to give him up. I made them a deal. I’d take Andy to dog training and they had to give me the time to try to make things right. It took a while, but Andy and I figured things out.”
“You want me to take a Dom to obedience classes?” Wouldn’t that be one for the papers.
Connie chuckled. “Well no. Though that would be kind of hot. But a good Dom needs to learn as much about himself as he does his sub. From what Stephen has told me, Gareth has changed a lot since Rachael died. Maybe he needs to relearn who he is as a man as well as a Dom? It’s easy to ignore what’s wrong with yourself when you’re focused on someone else.”
Shit, I hadn’t even considered that. “So he’s been using me to forget?”
“He hasn’t been with anyone in four years. And from what Stephen said, Rache was his first serious relationship.” Connie shrugged. “What we need is a plan. A way to train him on who you are as a sub and what your preferences are. What you want from him. And a way to help him see that it’s okay for him to move forward in his life.”
A plan for training a Dom.
It was almost as absurd as her idea to buy a Dom for a night.
That had turned out fairly well. What was to say this wouldn’t either? I just had to have big enough proverbial balls to do it. I took another deep drink of coffee and waited for the pain to dissipate before I spoke again.
“So what do you have in mind?”
I don’t think I ever remember seeing Connie give me such a devilish grin before. I should have known enough to start worrying.
* * * * *
The phone had grown warm in my hands as I turned it over. I was supposed to have called Gareth twenty minutes earlier, but I still couldn’t figure out the right words to say to him. Sure, Connie and I had practiced the whole damn speech. I’d even gone over it again with Stephen when he got home from work. But that was a completely different thing from actually calling up Gareth and letting the words come out of my mouth.
Basically, I was a big chicken shit.
I hated being a chicken shit.
Close your eyes and just do it.
Yes, I actually closed my eyes when I pressed the speed dial for him. It was lame, but at this point I was willing to do anything to get through the call. I kept them closed too as the dial tone sounded three times, before he picked up.
“Hey.” The sound of his deep voice always did strange things to my stomach. And my pussy. Not to mention the way my heartbeat doubled.
God, I had it bad.
“Hey.” I really wanted to giggle. I do that when I get nervous, but I knew I couldn’t. Not if I was going to make this believable. “So I wanted to ask you something.”
“You’re late calling. Everything okay?”
Shit.
“Yes and no.”
“That doesn’t sound good.” I could hear him shifting around, papers being rearranged. He was probably still at the university. “Did you want to meet for a coffee? Talk?”
“No!” Oh, nice overreaction there, Lizzy. “I mean, you sound busy.”
“Just grading midterms. I can duck out for a while.”
“No, this isn’t a
duck out
conversation.” I closed my eyes again, enjoying the sudden lack of sight. “I was wondering if you are free this weekend?”
He didn’t respond right away, and for a moment, I thought I might have lost him. But then I picked up his breathing—shallow—the sound of him swallowing, and I knew he realized how serious this request was.
“All weekend?” He was trying to gauge my emotions. He’d slipped into that slightly detached tone of his he uses when we are doing a scene. Right now, the last thing I wanted was for him to slip into his Dom-space. I needed to talk to
Gareth
.
I realized my speech wasn’t going to work. If I didn’t change tactics quickly, I’d lose him.
“You make it sound like that would be a bad thing.”
“Not at all—”
“Because really I just wanted to, you know, hang out. It’s like we haven’t had a chance to do that in a while.”
“Liz—”
“Well, we don’t have to if you’re busy.”
“
Liz.
”
“Yes?”
“I could use some time away from thinking about half-baked theories on the
Importance of Being Earnest
. Plus, I’m never too busy for you.”
Oh. God, he can be so sweet sometimes. “I was thinking that maybe we could do something a bit different than coffee or…other stuff.”
I smiled at the sound of his chuckle. “What do you have in mind?”
“IKEA.” It was that or the hardware store, and I didn’t want to give him any ideas for new
play
equipment.
“Is this about those bookshelves you mentioned?”
“Connie threatened to kick me out of the apartment if I didn’t get my collection under control. She and Stephen are going to Collingwood this weekend so I thought it would be a good excuse to tidy up.”
“And you need help?” He knew I was deflecting, but thankfully he didn’t call me on it.
“I was looking more for company. But if the idea of coming to my rescue will get you to tag along then yes. Please, please, please, I need your help.”
“Cheeky.”
“I try.”
I don’t know why I thought this was going to be hard. Despite my tendencies to freak out for no reason, this was
Gareth
. Dom or not, we did connect on a level that had nothing to do with my enjoyment of him tying me up. Our friendship had taken me a bit by surprise at first, but we really did have a lot in common. It was the perfect grounds for a kick-ass relationship.
I simply had to make him aware of it too.
“What time are you thinking?”
I jumped to my feet and might have done a Snoopy dance. “How about six thirty on Friday?”
“I’ll pick you up.”
“Awesome. Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. You know I have a soft spot for you.”
We chatted a bit longer, but my mind was already on what I needed to do next. While I really did want to go to IKEA, I had a few other purchases to make beforehand that needed my attention. I had every intention to make Friday night one he wouldn’t forget for a long time.
And if luck was on my side, maybe we’d be taking the next step in our relationship.
Or we’d be breaking up.
Only time would tell.