The cool night air bit into Ien’s skin, despite the blazing inferno. The stables were completely consumed by fire. He sat up and looked around.
Fresh bandages had been tied around his arm, not that it helped; his arm continued to bleed, soaking the linens red.
“Kiera,” he said, his throat raw. “Kiera.”
“She’s gone.”
Ien stood too fast. The ground swirled up to meet him. James steadied his body.
“No! Don’t touch me. You took her. You took her!” Ien tried to push James away, but he was too weak. “You were supposed to be my friend.”
“I am your friend,” James said, refusing to release Ien. “Now I need you to listen to me. Every word.”
“You have nothing to say that I’d believe.”
“Yes he does.” Jenna held onto Ien’s other arm.
“You’re both against me.”
“No one is against you, Ien. Now listen to me. We haven’t much time. Kiera went to get help.”
Ien wasn’t listening “Where’s Mother?” He frantically looked around. “Where is she?”
“She’s not here. She never was.” Jenna tried to sooth Ien, but it was no use. Nothing could calm him.
He started to yank and tug against his captors.
“Ien! Stop. Listen. This is for your own good. I want to tell you about the explosion. The fire.”
The mention of the fire stopped Ien immediately. His mind drew up the memories, coaxed by the layer of ash and smoke in the air. “What? Are you finally going to tell me what you did?”
“I’m going to tell you the truth.”
“Whose truth? Yours? Mother’s?”
“The real truth. The one no one is telling you.”
Ien waited, his breath held.
James took a deep breath, never releasing his firm hold on Ien. “The night you went to Whitehall, I tried to stop you.”
“I never should have trusted you!”
“No, listen. You thought she’d say yes. Even though she already said she wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship with you.”
“Liar!”
“She only wanted your friendship, Ien. Only that. Nothing more. But you refused to listen.”
Ien pulled against James’s hold. “Mother ended our relationship,” Ien said. “Not Kiera.”
“No, your mother has no idea about your feelings.” James sighed. “I went with you to Whitehall to convince you to leave Kiera alone. I told her not to see you, told her what you were planning. But she wouldn’t listen to me either. She wanted to see you and talk about music.”
“Kiera!” Ien screamed, still trying to break free.
Jenna’s hand began to slip. She tightened her hold, grabbing onto his blood-soaked shirt.
“After a few minutes, I went back to Whitehall to check on you,” James continued. “Kiera said you were acting strangely. I asked her what you said, whether or not you proposed. She said you didn’t. Nothing even close.”
“No! You weren’t there. You. Weren’t. There! I proposed. Kiera said yes. We were betrothed.”
“After a little while, a fire and explosion shook the school. I was worried. I ran through the town, looking for you.”
“You tried to kill me!”
“No, Ien. I pulled you from the building.” James’s breathing became shallow as he finished the story. “Your face and body were on fire. I tried to roll you to get the fire out. The entire time you were screaming about Kiera and your life. You said she could never love someone
like
you.”
“No! You just wanted her for yourself.”
“The next day I spoke with your parents. They told me everything.”
Ien held his breath.
“The visions. The delusions.”
“Liar! The voices were gone. Kiera saved me from all that. Until you tried to rip us apart.” Tears overflowed Ien’s eyes as he whispered Kiera’s name over and over.
“You tried to kill yourself, Ien. You.”
Ien replayed that night in his thoughts. James’s story couldn’t be true. He would never try to kill himself. Never hurt Kiera in that way.
Would he?
“You did this, James. You and Mother.” He voice was scarcely more than thought.
“Your mother has only ever tried to protect you from yourself. Just like me.” James’s voice began to crack.
“No!” Ien stopped pulling against Jenna, his will depleted.
She relaxed her grasp and released her hold of his shirt.
James reached into his pocket, pulling a soot-encrusted metal ring. “I found this in your pocket the day of the fire. You never asked her, Ien.”
Ien’s world crumbled around him. Fragments of memories mixed with the ash raining down. Nothing made sense, nothing seemed real.
Fresh rage coursed through his veins. He yanked his arm from Jenna’s loose grasp, swinging at James. The punch landed hard against his jaw. Ien pulled his arm free from James and shoved him to the ground.
Jumping on James, Ien pummeled his face, arms, chest. Blood spewed from both boys as Ien poured the hatred, the shame, the guilt into every blow.
“Stop!” Jenna tried to pull Ien off. “Stop!”
Her touch had no impact on him. He continued to fight against his rival.
“Ien!”
Kiera’s voice made him hesitate. “He isn’t lying to you.”
Ien froze, unable to think.
“You never proposed. And if you had, I would have said no.”
His body began to shake.
“I know you believe me.”
Ien looked to Kiera. Her cheeks were moist.
“I’ve always only loved James.”
Ien stood and backed away. A moment passed. And another. He reached into his pocket, looking for a knife.
Empty.
He grabbed Kiera. “Why do you lie to me?”
“I’m not. You know I’m not. Think, Ien. Remember. I told you about my love for James that night. I asked for your opinion on it.”
The truth strangled Ien. He couldn’t move or breathe. His mind fractured into a million pieces as he released a feral scream. “No!” He pulled Kiera to him, squeezing his hands around her neck.
“Ien stop! Stop!” Jenna pulled on Ien’s arms, desperate to stop him.
But Ien held firm. He had to end his pain.
Her pain.
End it all.
James raised the gun and cocked it.
“Don’t shoot him,” Jenna screamed. “Don’t—”
A thunderous boom.
A scream.
And Ien…
fell.
34.
“In the middle of the journey of our life
I found myself in a dark wood
Where the straight path was lost.”
~Dante Alighieri (The Divine Comedy)
~~
The world is suddenly cold, black. Emptiness engulfs the space as I no longer register any scents, any sounds, any feelings, almost as though there is nothing to sense at all. A moment passes—or maybe an eternity. My mind folds in on itself and I become the void around me.
Until an explosion rams through me and I am again consumed by fire…
Kiera and I stand in the conservatory once more. I pull her to me, ignited by the feel of her body touching mine. I shove one hand into my pocket, twirling the ring.
Should I ask her? Do I dare?
“I’m glad you came, Ien.” She whispers into my chest and I can’t breathe.
“I had to see you,” I say as the scene advances.
We talk and I forever twist the ring.
I can’t do this. Not now.
“Can I ask you about James?” she says.
Panic surges forward and the air is again sucked from my lungs. “Sure,” I manage to say.
“I think I love him.”
Her words kill me. All of me.
I hear nothing though she continues to speak. I respond, unaware.
What am I saying?
“Don’t tell him, okay. Promise me.”
I promise and she kisses my forehead. The walls come closer. Voices again spring to life.
Get out. Get out. Get out.
I can’t quiet them. Can’t think.
I kiss her hand. Leave.
Tears fill my eyes and blur my vision. I pass buildings, people, streets and alleys. I don’t know where I am. Don’t care.
Until I pass Clinton Place. I stop and stare into the windows. Every dream plays out in front of me, every fantasy. It’s more than I can bear.
There can be no wedding now.
No lifetime together. No end to the voices now screaming.
My thoughts shatter as I break into the hotel. Oil lamps still adorn some rooms. I shatter them, pour the oil over my head, the drapes, the tapestries.
Do it. Do it. Do it.
My hand shakes as I light a match. Ignite my skin. And
Unleash…
Hell…
35.
“There is nothing alive more agonized than man,
Of all that breathe and crawl the earth.”
~Homer (Illiad)
~
The world spun to a halt as the sound of a single voice reached Ien’s ears. Sweet, musical. He strained to hear it again.
“Ien.”
The voice stirred something deep inside, shoving aside the nightmare still clinging to his thoughts.
“Ien.”
The voice grew weaker. Ien couldn’t let it fade completely. He forced himself to wake, seeking out the sound once more.
“Ien.”
Jenna.
He opened his eyes, blinking back the pain in his shoulder and back. Jenna lay next to him, her eyes barely open, her voice nothing more than a whisper.
Blood coated his body, the ground. Her body.
No!
He pulled her into an embrace. Jenna winced in pain, moaning.
“No! Not you!” Ien gently cradled her broken body, his fingers tracing the place where the bullet lodged into her, tears flowing freely down his face. “Not you!” He choked on his words.
The bullet went through her abdomen, tearing upwards until it exited through her back and into Ien’s shoulder where it still lay. Blood poured from her body.
Too much blood.
It soaked through her clothes and Ien’s mind, sobering him.
“You…okay?” she asked, her breath nothing more than shallow gasps.
“Don’t try to talk.” Ien blinked away his tears as he caressed her face. “You’ll be okay.”
Jenna’s breathing slowed.
“You have to be.”
“Not this time.” She clutched his arms as a wave of pain rolled through her.
Ien released a heavy sob. “Why—”
“Someone had to protect you from yourself.” Jenna closed her eyes. “Do something for me,” she whispered.
“Anything.”
“Leave. Run away.”
“No. Not until you’re better.”
Jenna’s eyes sprung open. “Ien. Please. If you’ve ever cared for me, even a little, you have to do this.”
Her agitation grew, along with her pain. She swallowed hard.
“But—”
“Please, Ien.”
Her words settled around him. She had always been there for him. Even now, in the end, she was still sacrificing everything for him.
“I can’t leave you, Jenna. Not now.”
Jenna took a deep breath and stared at Ien, looking straight to his soul. “I love you, Ien. Do this for me. Do this…”
Her head flopped to one side as her last breath left and her body went limp. There was no twitching. No fight. Only death. Complete in its finality.
Ien’s tears doubled as he clung to Jenna lifeless body, rocking her back and forth. James and Kiera stood over them, crying.
“James. Kiera. Where are you?” Mother’s voice carried on the wind, surrounding Ien. “James?”
“You have to go, Ien. Now.” James nudged Ien.
His grip on Jenna tightened as he kissed her forehead and gently laid her to rest on the ground.
“If you stay, she’ll have you committed. She won’t have a choice.” James reached out a hand to Ien. “If you run, you may have a chance.”
“Why would you help me now? After everything.”
“You’d do it for me.”
Ien nodded at James before turning to Kiera.
“Go, Ien. Leave.” Kiera tried to smile, her lips refusing to comply. “Please. While you still can.”
He grabbed her hand, a pang of longing lodged in his throat.
“James…Kiera…”
“You’re out of time. Go.” James took Kiera’s hand.
And Ien died a million times.
Go, Ien. Go now
.
Jenna’s voice eclipsed all other thoughts.
He ran away from the stables and into the forest, a fresh symphony of voices screaming around him.
36.
“But I have lov’d with such transcendent passion,
I soar’d, at first, quite out of reason’s view,
And now am lost above it”
~John Dryden (All for Love, act 2)
~~
Six months later
The dream always starts the same. Fire and ash rain from the sky as the world around me shatters, tossing me backwards into the heat. My skin ignites and all I can hear is my scream. Darkness and pain come next, followed by silence.
No longer cold or lonely, it comes as relief, a moment of respite in a sea of chaos. I cling to the emptiness now, thankful for each moment.
A time with no voices and no memories.
A time when I understand what I’ve become.
A time when I am whole and unbroken.
Such moments are transient, never lasting as long as I need them to and I’m forced to wait for fate to bring another harbor of peace.
Days tumble forward and I leap from silent moment to silent moment. The time in between is a blur, one too horrific to remember.
I don’t deny the reality of my monstrous existence now, don’t pretend I can have a normal life. There is no
normal
for someone like me. I see a world that doesn’t exist, hear sounds that are not there. Reality and illusion have woven themselves so tightly in my thoughts it is impossible for me to distinguish them anymore.