Authors: Andy Griffiths
We piled into Principal Greenbeard's office.
Mr Brainfright and Mrs Cross were standing in front of Principal Greenbeard's desk with their backs to us.
Mrs Cross was shouting. âI simply cannot teach as long as he remains at this school! Especially not with all this digging going on. It's disruptive and extremely dangerous! Either he goes . . . or I do!'
Mrs Cross drew a deep breath, and I'm sure she would have kept ranting except that Principal Greenbeard held up his hand. âExcuse me, Mrs Cross,' he said. He turned his attention to us. âWhat is the meaning of barging in here unannounced?'
Mrs Cross and Mr Brainfright wheeled around in surprise.
Jenny, Jack, Newton and I stood to attention and saluted.
âWe're really sorry for the interruption, Principal Greenbeard,' I said, âbut we thought you would want to see this.'
I stepped forward and placed the chest on his desk. Then I opened the lid and stood back.
Principal Greenbeard stared at the treasure.
Mrs Cross stared at the treasure.
Mr Brainfright stared at us, beaming.
âMy treasure!' said Principal Greenbeard. He was happily pulling things out of the chest and examining them. âMy pirate eye-patch
and
my shark's tooth! I never thought I'd see them again!'
I'd been right about how excited old people get about stuff from their childhoods. So far, so good: my plan was working perfectly.
âBut how did you find it?' said Principal Greenbeard, shaking his head.
âIt was all Mr Brainfright's idea,' I said quickly. âI told him about the buried treasure and he's an expert archaeologist so he came up with the idea of conducting a proper archaeological dig to find it.'
âBut how did you know where to look?'
âThe clue was in the note,' I said. âI kept thinking about the line “dig for one thousand nights and a night” and then I remembered there is a book called
The Book of the Thousand and One Nights
. So we went to the library and found a copy.'
âYes,' said Jenny excitedly. âAnd we found a story about a man who goes searching for treasure only to find that it was buried right where he startedâin his own backyard.'
Principal Greenbeard frowned as he tried to figure out what we were saying. âSo the treasure was . . . ?'
âExactly where you started,' I said. âIt was on Skull Island all along.'
Principal Greenbeard slapped his forehead. âOf course,' he said. âBrilliant!'
Mrs Cross made a strange little sound in her throat.
I looked at her, expecting her to look cross.
But she didn't look cross. She looked scared.
Principal Greenbeard had begun to examine the chest itself.
âWhat a magnificent treasure chest!' he said, holding it up and looking at it from all sides. âI would have given anything to have one as good as this. I wonder who it belonged to? The person who stole our treasure, I guess. Hang on, look! The letters W.S. are carved into the bottom.'
He sat there, staring into space and repeating âW.S.' to himself over and over, as if he was on the verge of remembering something very important.
Mrs Cross was looking more and more upset.
Her face was bright red. There were beads of perspiration running down her forehead.
âWendy Smith!' Principal Greenbeard suddenly cried.
He fixed his gaze on Mrs Cross, who was already backing away from his desk towards the door. âIt was YOU!' he said. âYou're the scoundrel who stole my treasure!'
Mr Brainfright looked from Principal Greenbeard to Mrs Cross and then back again. âBut how can that be?' he said. âHer initials are W.C.!'
âShe wasn't always Cross!' Principal Greenbeard explained. âCross is her married name. Before she was married her name was Wendy Smith and her initials were W.S.!'
The door slammed.
Mrs Cross was gone.
âI knew it!' said Jack. âI knew all along there was something fishy about Mrs Cross.'
âDid you?' said Jenny. âYou're so smart, Jack! I never suspected a thing.'
âFunny you never mentioned it,' I said to Jack.
âYou never asked,' he said. âWell don't just stand there like a bunch of leg-locked landlubbers!' said Principal Greenbeard. âSeize her!'
Newton ran out of the room, blowing his whistle as he went.
âDon't worry, sir,' I said. âIt's under control.'
A few moments later, Gretel came into the office holding Mrs Cross, who was kicking and struggling. Newton followed, still blowing his whistle.
âWell done, Newton,' shouted Jenny, âbut you can stop blowing your whistle now.'
Mrs Rosethorn was hot on Gretel's heels. âI'm very sorry, sir,' she said to Principal Greenbeard. âI tried to stop them from disturbing youâ'
But nobody was listening to Mrs Rosethorn. âLet me go,' demanded Mrs Cross, struggling to free herself from Gretel's iron grip.
âDo you promise not to run away again?' said Gretel.
âI promise,' said Mrs Cross.
âLet her go,' said Principal Greenbeard.
Gretel released her.
Mrs Cross sniffed, squared her shoulders and faced Principal Greenbeard.
âWell, Wendy
Smith
,' he said, âwhat do you have to say for yourself? Why did you steal our treasure?'
âBecause I was angry!' said Mrs Cross. âYou and your friends would never let me play pirates. You were always mean to me. Always chasing me away.'
Principal Greenbeard looked embarrassed. âWell, er, um,' he said, âonly boys can be pirates. Everybody knows that.'
âThat's nonsense,' said Mrs Cross. âGirls can be pirates, too!'
âShe's right, you know,' said Mr Brainfright.
âFemale pirates have been around since at least 600 BC! Let me see, there was Lady Mary Killigrew, the daughter of a pirate who became one herself . . . Lai Choi San of Macau, also known as the Dragon Lady . . . Grace O'Malley, the Sea Queen of Connaught . . . and, of course, Sadie the Goat.'
âSadie the Goat?' said Principal Greenbeard.
âYes,' said Mr Brainfright, chuckling. âShe used to headbutt her victims before taking their money. Female pirates were every bit as colourful and terrifying as their male counterparts.'
Jenny, Jack, Newton, Gretel and I all looked at one another. We weren't sure whether he was making it up or not.
âI stole your treasure,' Mrs Cross confessed to Principal Greenbeard, âbecause I wanted to teach you and the other boys a lesson. I wanted to prove that girls are just as good at being pirates as boys.'
âI think you proved your point,' said Principal Greenbeard.
âYes,' said Mrs Cross, âexcept for the fact that I lost the map I'd drawn. I was going to return the treasure to you, I promise, but I could never find it again. I'm very sorry.'
âPlease, Mrs Cross,' said Principal Greenbeard. âYou don't have to apologise. It's not easy for a
crusty old sea-dog like myself to admit that I was wrong, but I was. I was totally out of line, and I'm very sorry. If it hadn't been for my ignorance of the glorious history of female piracy, I would have let you join our gang and none of this would ever have happened.'
âNo,' said Mrs Cross, âthe fault is all mine. I'm sorry that I stole your treasure in the first place. I've always felt guilty about it. But when the students, and then Mr Brainfright, started digging for it, I was worried about what would happen to me if it was found. I would quite understand if you required me to hand in my notice and seek employment elsewhere.'
âCertainly not!' said Principal Greenbeard. âI think enough time has passed for us both to forgive and forget. It's all water under the bridge. And I don't think there will be any more digging to disturb you . . . unless, of course, you are aware of any more treasure buried on the island?'
âNo,' said Mrs Cross. âAnd thank you. Could I just ask one favour?'
âYes,' said Principal Greenbeard. âWhat is it?'
âMay I have my treasure chest back?'
âOf course,' said Principal Greenbeard, shutting the lid and putting it into her hands. âIt is indeed a fine treasure chest!'
Mrs Cross nodded. âThank you,' she said. âMy
grandfather made it for me. I thought it was lost forever.' Then she turned to Mr Brainfright. âI think I owe you an apology as well. I see that perhaps there is some method in your madness after all.'
Mr Brainfright smiled graciously. âMore madness than method, I'm afraid,' he said, âbut very pleased to be of service.'
âIf you have some time one day,' said Mrs Cross, âI would very much like to talk to you about female pirates. I'm interested in learning more.'
âIt would be a pleasure!' said Mr Brainfright. Then he winked at us, as if to say,
See, I told you she liked me.
I had to hand it to him. Except when he was falling out windows, he sure knew how to land on his feet. With a little help from us, of course.
Principal Greenbeard turned to Mr Brainfright. âI, too, am in your debt, Thaddeus,' he said. âYou have a job at Northwest Southeast Central School for as long as you want one. Mrs Chalkboard has let me know that she will not be coming back, so your position as teacher of Class 5C is now permanent, if you would like it.'
âWhat do you think, kids?' said Mr Brainfright. âAre you sick of me yet?'
âNo way!' I said. âI think you should stay!'
âMe too,' said Jack.
âMe three,' said Newton.
âMe definitely four,' said Jenny.
âMe five,' said Gretel.
âAnd me six,' said Mrs Cross.
Mrs Rosethorn remained silent. In her eyes, Mr Brainfright was a time waster . . . but then everybody was.
âSo what do you say?' said Principal Greenbeard.
âOf course I'll stay,' said Mr Brainfright, beaming, âbut on one condition.'
âJust name it,' said Principal Greenbeard.
âThat 5C now be called 5B,' said Mr Brainfright.
âDone,' Principal Greenbeard agreed, shaking Mr Brainfright's hand. âGood to have you aboard!'
Then Principal Greenbeard turned to me. âHenry, I truly appreciate the effort to which you and your friends went to locate the treasure. As a reward, I'd like you each to choose a piece of treasure to keep.'
âThank you, sir,' I said, âbut you don't have to do that. It's
your
treasure!'
âWhich I would never have seen again if it hadn't been for you,' said Principal Greenbeard. âYou've earned it. Go on, choose a piece!'
I looked at the treasure. To tell you the truth, there was nothing I particularly wanted, but as
I looked, my hand was mysteriously drawn to the pencil, and before I even realised what I was doing, I'd picked it up.
âI guess I'll take this pencil if you don't mind,' I said. It was green with black stripes and had a little white eraser on the end in the shape of a skull. To this day I still don't know why I picked it up, and I sure came to regret it, but that's a whole other story.
Principal Greenbeard was delighted with my choice. âI don't mind at all!' he said. âThat pencil belonged to my best friend, Mark Fortuna. He loved that pencil. He's not alive anymore, but I know he'd be happy for you to have it. He was a great one for writing and storytellingânot unlike yourself, Henry.'
âThanks!' I said. âI'll take good care of it.' As it turned out, this was a lie because I spent a lot of time trying to destroy it. But, like I said, that's a whole other story.
Then Newton bravely stepped forward. âMay I have the lucky rabbit's foot?' he said. âI've always wanted a lucky rabbit's foot.'
âOf course!' said Principal Greenbeard, putting it into Newton's hand. âA bit of extra luck never hurt anyone!'
As Newton's hand closed around the lucky charm he seemed to grow six inches before our
eyes. âThank you, Principal Greenbeard,' he said, not looking quite as nervous as before.
After that, Gretel chose the shark's tooth, Jack chose the water pistol and Jenny took the ring. After we thanked Principal Greenbeard, he stood to attention and saluted us all.
He picked up the black eye-patch and slipped it on, positioning it over his left eye. âThank you, everybody,' he said. âYou've made an old sea-dog very happy.'