Tricks (10 page)

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Rephrase. Why--WHY--does my own

family think it's wrong when his doesn't?

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Three rows back sits the one true love of my life, surrounded by his own

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family's love. A family that accepts me for who I am, to him. A family I long to

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be part of. And if that means leaving

my family behind, maybe I have to go.

171

As Soon as the Thought

Crosses my mind, I backtrack. Can't

go. Not yet. He's not ready for me.

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And I am only sixteen. Sixteen.

Immersed in the Easter story. Thinking

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about loving Andrew, about giving him the ultimate gift--my virginity. This week.

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Not that he knows it. But it's spring break.

Lots of girls give it away on spring break, right?

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So it's normal. And, despite sitting in the front

row while my papa preaches about resurrection--

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including ways to avoid it--I want to be normal.

Not "normal" as defined by abnormal people.

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My people. My parents. I never considered

them (and so never considered me) abnormal

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until I met Andrew. But it's completely clear

now. And the best way I can think of to become

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completely normal is by becoming a woman.

All I need is the opportunity. Eve, help me.

172

Ironically

It is Eve (not the original) who sets it up.

See, my sister has asthma. Talking major.

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And like I said, it is spring, also in a major

way. We had snow over the winter, an early

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melt. Rain to follow. And that means wild

flowers. Early bloom of sage. Beautiful.

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Obnoxious to someone who can't tolerate

pollen. Especially someone young. Someone

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like Eve. It is Tuesday. Spring break. Eve

wakes, wheezing. Papa is off somewhere,

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leaving Mama to rush my little sister to Emergency. She calls just before noon.

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They want to keep her for observation.

I have to stay with her You'll be okay?

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"I'm fine, Mama. You do what you need

to. If I'm not here, I'll be at the library.

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I have to research a history paper." Guilt

wants to well as I hang up. I force it

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back down, call Andrew, knowing

it's wrong. Wondering if I'm damned.

173

In the Back of My Mind

I'm thinking he'll take me to a hotel, all the while

stressing about how we'll get away with it.

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Spies, remember? But when he picks me up, we head out of town, and it occurs to me

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that I never confessed what I had in mind for the afternoon. "Where are we going?"

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He pulls me very close to him, right up against his very warm body.
Home.

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My parents went to Elko for a few days.

Not exactly a world-class destination,

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but for them it's a second honeymoon.

You and I will go to Hawaii, okay?

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He always says the right thing. "Okay.

But I'm allergic to pineapple." I'm not,

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at least, not that I know for sure. But

they say humor steadies the nerves.

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Nervous?

Let's see. Why wouldn't I be? My mom and sister are at the ER, which is the only

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reason I'm here. What if Mama calls and

I'm not home? Will she buy the library thing?

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And what if something is really wrong with Eve? Should I be
there?
Or here?

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Andrew's parents are likely a few hundred

miles away. But are they really? And are

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they discussing the likelihood of what is going on
here?
Are they talking about me?

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And even if they're not, and everything else is on the up-and-up, am I seriously considering

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doing that stuff I read on the Net the other

night? I answered all those "Are you really

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ready" questions and came away with a definite "Yes." But am I really, really?

175

Andrew answers the question for me, though I'm sure he has no idea that's what

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he's doing.
I can't wait to show you the ranch.

Someday it will be your home too.
No hint

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of hesitation. He's not only saying his home is mine, he's telling me his life is mine.

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We turn down a long gravel driveway, the smell of spring sharp through the windows.

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Cattle graze in one field, horses in another.

I know nothing about either animal except

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what I've seen on TV. But that will change with time. Time with Andrew. One day,

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not far in the future, we'll have plenty of time

together. Something powerful rises up inside me.

176

Home

Andrew parks the Tundra and we are home.

A bluetick pup lifts her head from the porch,

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and when she sees Andrew, sprints to greet

him, tail stub wagging. I know how she feels.

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Andrew bends to scratch her behind an ear.

Here now, little Sheila. Say hello to my Eden.

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And now she is my puppy too. She licks

my hand, telling me so, and I cannot believe

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that any of this is real. Where is my familiar

home? Where is Boise? I never want to return

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to either. I slide my arms up around Andrew's

neck. "I love you. More than anything in

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this world." And, for a swift-passing moment, the thought crosses my mind that I love him

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more than anything in
any
world. Torn, always

torn, I throw out a silent entreaty to whatever

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might exist beyond this world: "If love like this is wrong, Lord, go ahead and damn me."

177

I Feel Zero

Trepidation as Andrew takes my hand, encourages me through the front door.

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I hold my breath, not sure why. I feel like a bride on her wedding night, despite

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the nag inside my head who insists:

Not married. Not right. Not married...

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"Shut up!" I will her, silently. Because, despite the lack of white gown and cake,

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dripping frosting flowers, I know what will

happen soon means Andrew and I are forever

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one. Sheila, puppy of honor, follows us

inside. She's probably not nearly as impressed

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as I am. The decor is simple. Real. Wood.

Leather. Antiques, refinished, as if the people

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who own them care about their history.

And, of course, they do. "Oh, Andrew.

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It's all so perfect. I love it!" And I do.

"But not nearly as much as I love you."

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We're kissing. We've never kissed exactly like this, because we've never felt this easy

178

with each other. No one here. No one to see. Only Andrew and me.

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(Sheila doesn't care. Doesn't count, because she only wants what Andrew

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and I do. Love.) We could talk, I guess.

But there's nothing, really, to say beyond

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I love you,
and we've already said that.

Andrew stops kissing me, and his eyes

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ask what he's afraid to, and my eyes answer in the same way, so he takes my hand, leads

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me down the hall to the bedroom that I would

have picked as his without analyzing. It has

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a big feather bed, with massive quilts and pillows I have to fall into. With Andrew.

179

I Thought It Would Be

So easy. That loving him as much as I do would

conquer any hint of fear. But when he kisses

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me, I'm shaking, and there are tears in my eyes.
We don't have to,
he whispers.

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"I know. I want to. I'm just..." Unsure.

I'm completely unsure about my body.

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What if he hates it? But now he touches

me. His hands are tentative, and I remember

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that this is new for him, too.
Is this

okay?
he asks.
Tell me what you like.

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He kisses me as he picks me up, lays

me gently on the bed. A slow, mutual

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exploration begins. As we learn together, the fear falls away, and sheer exhilaration--

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like standing on the very edge of a cliff, with the wind in your face--replaces it.

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He likes my body, and I love his, and there are only a few seconds of pain, before waves

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of pleasure. Wave after swelling wave of everything right. Wave after wave of love.

180

A Poem by Seth Parnell
Nothing's Right

Not when you know

someone you love

must leave too soon.

The thought of losing a friend stings.

The pain of losing a parent revisits you.

The insanity of losing someone who has become

your very heart slices

you right in two.

You can't

eat. Can't sleep. Can't

concentrate on simple

things. All you do is wonder how you'll

live without the necessary beat inside your chest.

The weight of dread

takes your breath away.

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Seth Three Weeks

Until Loren leaves me.

One month until my life

falls into limbo. I never

knew limbo was meant to be experienced on earth.

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I'm halfway there already.

I fake my way through every day, eating, drinking, staring off into the classroom

void, with finals fast approaching.

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I don't care about school, about getting into some

highbrow university.

Don't care about the price of seed or serious lack of rain.

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Will I care about any of that when he's gone?

Maybe it will be easier, not sneaking off to see

him every stinking chance

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I get. Not trying with every ounce of what's inside me to make him

damn well remember

me every minute he's away.

183

I'd Be Lying

If I said things haven't changed between us already. It's like we've erected a tall wall of silence, and neither of us

will break down and be first

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to try and scale the stupid

thing. We used to talk for hours, discuss issues, confess

latent secrets. We used to have fun. Used to go out.

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Now when he opens the door,

I don't even say hello, just

push my way through, barely close it behind me before pulling him off down

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the hall to the bedroom.

We have changed there, too. Especially me. I take

control from the start, don't ask, only demand.

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I want to hurt him, like he will hurt me when he goes off to minister. I only

have one way to do that.

And I'm doing it now.

184

He Accepts

Every jolt of punishment without a word or even a sigh. When I can't give

any more, when the act is finished, I stand back,

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waiting. Expecting anger.

Tears. Anything but his soft,
Don't you know how

sorry I am that I have
to go? I love you, Seth.

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And the tears that finally

come are mine. "Jesus,

Loren. Why did I have to meet you at all? What do

I do when you leave?

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"Go back to school, back to farming? Back to the old

me, who was never me at all?" I look at him, find his eyes, but no answers.

185

He comes over to me, slides his arms up around my neck, kisses the kind of kiss that makes

me want more. A lot more.

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Just when I think I'm ready for more, he stops me.

Let's clean up and go out for a while. I'm starving.

How about some Italian?

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As I start to say no, my

belly rumbles a good one.

I haven't eaten a darn thing since morning Cheerios.

"Sure, why the hell not?"

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Probably a good idea to get out of this place before I start to cry again.

Sometimes, top crust or not, I feel like a total girl.

186

Despite That

And despite being an hour from home, I don't want to look like a girl when

Loren and I go out, not

even in this neighborhood,

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where many of the people

I see could easily be identified as "gay." Not even knowing

most everyone here
is
gay.

Who knows who might be

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cruising this place for a date or just for kicks?

Hetero couples wander the sidewalks. Looking for a threesome? Or just

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to be somewhere safe, where

one half of the couple won't

ask the other,
What the
HELL
are you looking at?
Somewhere

safe? Is there such a place?

187

Loren Leads the Way