Chapter 11
Susan should have been honest with
Josiah, and herself, for that matter. She actually did want Josiah to come in. She
really could use the company tonight instead of another night left to her own meditations
of how out of whack her life had become. She would have loved to be able to
just enjoy someone else's company without talk of jobs and sickness, the only conversation
her and her father had partaken in lately. Over the past six months, their conversations
would start off with him asking about her job, her shrugging off the question
knowing that he only used it as a prelude to the underlying issues at hand. The
issues that neither of them wanted to deal with: her mother’s memory loss, her
physical decline, and eventually her death. Susan knew there would come a time
when she would have to step up and take some of the burden of planning a
funeral and getting all of her mother's things in order from her father. Yet,
she did all she could to avoid those conversations in the meantime.
As of recently, when her mother's body
looked less and less like the strong woman Susan remembered growing up, she'd
wanted to make excuses not to come over on the weekends. Her appearance at The Launchpad
last weekend had been an anomaly of late because by the time she finished up at
the nursing home, she'd been too exhausted both physically and emotionally. The
sad truth of the situation was that Susan knew her mother had no hope of
getting any better. No miracle awaited them around the corner, and no daily
prayer over her by the nursing home clergy would do anything to restore her
mother to her right mind or her youthful beauty. And because of that Susan found
herself wishing something no child should ever wish for their parent. She
wanted to get that phone call, the one she'd dreaded since the day her mother
had been diagnosed, from her father informing her that her mother had passed. The
sickness not only affected Susan, but she'd seen her father's own health
deteriorate as he fought to care for her mother in their home until she needed
the care he couldn't provide and admitted her to the Alzheimer ward at Long
Beach's Nursing Facility. That day had been more difficult than hearing of her
mother's sickness. Susan watched as her father’s once bright hazel eyes clouded
over while they shimmered with the anxiety and hurt of leaving his beloved
bride in the care of others. She'd placed her hand within her father's trembling
fingers, trying to stay strong for the man she'd not once seen cry during her
life. As sadness overtook him, she did the best she could to swallow the lump
in her throat and fight against her own tears. When Susan left the nursing
home, she always resumed her daily routine, but her father returned to an empty
house. He left behind his other half in a place full of strangers, leaving them
to care for the woman he’d spent the entirety of his adult life with.
Susan pushed the memory of that day from
her mind as she walked into her dark apartment, a simple reminder of how her
own life had lost the sunshine, the joy she once took for granted. All the
bottled up anger and hurt became the darkness that encompassed her now. She
wanted, needed to shake that darkness, but how could she when so much consumed
her? She was not the daughter she needed to be, wishing that her mother would
find peace on whatever plane she found after she took her last breath so her
father could move on with his life and focus on himself and his own health. She
tossed her keys on the coffee table, kicked off her shoes and lowered herself
to the comforts of her sofa and did the only thing she could do. The tears that
had been locked inside, the ones she had refused for so long to let out,
flowed, the sting of pain a warm reminder of all that Susan had waiting for
her. She didn't try to stop them. She needed to feel them burn her cheeks,
needed to watch through blurred vision as each one dropped to the floor between
her feet. Susan needed to release all the pent up emotions she held in check,
alone in her apartment without any others to see or experience her pain.
As Susan felt the emotions tumble from
her body, a faint knock against her door made her suck back her tears,
swallowing any that tried to escape. She pushed herself up and grabbed the box
of tissues from the coffee table that had always been at the ready for this
inevitable moment. She blew her nose, then dabbed at her cheeks and eyes,
trying her hardest to erase the evidence of her breakdown. A quick glance
through the peep hole and fear slammed into her chest. She tried to catch her
breath, but it suddenly became difficult. Josiah came back and he waited on the
other side of the barrier of the door for acknowledgement. Of course she couldn’t
pretend she wasn't home, he'd just dropped her off. Although, she could pretend
she didn't hear him and that’s exactly what she did, waiting with her palms
pressed to the wood door, counting the seconds as they passed, her eyes squeezed
shut as if by doing so she could wish him away. Until that moment when he
knocked loud enough to wake the dead. Susan dabbed at her eyes in one last
attempt to rid herself of her tears and almost immediately they welled up
again.
"Just one moment," she called
out as she tossed the used tissues into the wastebasket by the sofa, an attempt
to hide the proof of her breakdown.
"It's me, Josiah."
Susan opened the door to quite a sight. Josiah,
in all his manliness, stood with Susan's purse slung over his shoulder. She let
out a weak laugh as she signaled for him to come in.
"You forgot this in the car,"
he said holding the purse out to her. "Obviously."
"Thank you for returning it. I
appreciate it."
"It's not a problem."
Josiah stood motionless, his eyes locked
onto Susan's face. No doubt wondering why her eyes were red and her face
discolored. Yet, he didn't question her, or remark about the state he found her
in. She wasn't sure if he had panicked and wished he'd not come back, men often
panicked at the sight of tears, or if he were waiting for her to divulge any
information she was willing to offer.
She had no intention of just offering up
an explanation, although she wasn't even positive she would tell him anything
should he ask. The two of them stood in silence as the seconds ticked by before
Josiah spoke.
"I know you don't know me well, but
if ever you just need someone to talk to, well..."
"Like I said earlier, I'm just very
tired. When I get tired, I get emotional. I'm fine, really." Josiah kept
his eyes focused on her, she supposed for information she wasn’t willing to
give him or anyone else for that matter.
"Well, then I guess I will talk to
you another time...hopefully," he said as he reached for the doorknob.
"Definitely. Sorry you caught me at
a bad time. I'm really normally not such a downer."
"Tess thinks very highly of you, so
I'm certain you aren't. But the offer still stands, if you need someone to talk
to. It's an open-ended invitation for an open ear."
Susan said her thanks and once Josiah
left, she shut the door and set the deadbolt. She needed to get out of the funk
she found herself in. She’d just had an amazingly sexy and apparently caring
man in her apartment and here she stood peeking through the crack between her
drawn curtains as he opened the driver's door of Madison's car. Yes, her mother
was in a hospital bed dying, her father withering away himself, but Susan was
alive and well and she needed to feel the vibrancy she felt before. She needed
to find some silver lining to cling to and she needed to embrace it without
feeling guilty for going on with her life, while her mother barely fought for
her own. Susan pulled the curtains tight, double checked the deadbolt, and went
in search for the comforts of her bed. Fatigue consumed not only her body, but
her mind and her emotions. She felt drained and unable to forgo another moment
of sleep, so she slipped beneath the sheets and welcomed with open arms the slumber
that awaited her.
Chapter 12
The heat of the sand penetrated the hot
pink beach blanket Susan shared with Tessa as they watched Cade, Rowan, and
Josiah beat their chests like cavemen. Not literally, of course, but by the way
they fought for the waves atop their surfboards, they may as well been. Susan
actually felt sorry for the young kids out there on the water with the three of
them as they snatched wave after wave from the young boys. She didn’t feel bad
enough to avert her eyes from the scene, however.
She watched with amazement as Josiah
gracefully mounted his board when a particularly strong wave approached. His
long, muscular legs bent as he balanced himself while the ocean mist coated his
dark skin and soaked his navy blue board shorts causing them to cling not just
to his thighs, but to that spot Susan always found her eyes focusing on. With
his arms out to his side, Josiah caught the wave and moved his body with the
motion of the water as if he were dancing with the sea. His movements were
graceful and precise and even if Susan had wished to, she couldn’t have pulled
her attention from him. She brought her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms
around her legs as she took in the sight of him. He stood startlingly beautiful
on the water, like he’d been born for it and the ocean seemed to welcome his
company with open arms.
As he rode out the last wave he caught,
white foam chased close behind him, touching the rear of his board as if
ushering him to the shore. She watched while he dismounted, keeping hold of his
board with one hand then dipping his head under the water. When he emerged, he
shook his head from side to side the dark curls of hair flinging a spray of water
into the air, the droplets quickly rejoining the water below. Tessa gave Susan
a quick nudge against her arm with an elbow as Josiah strolled over in their
direction.
“You’re staring,” Tessa laughed.
Damn straight she was staring
, she thought.
Who
wouldn’t stare at him?
When Josiah got closer, however, Susan averted her
eyes and lowered herself to the blanket with the hope that he’d not taken
notice to the gawking she’d been doing. She grabbed the magazine she’d brought
with her and placed it over her face in a feeble attempt to convince Josiah
that she was resting her eyes and taking in the rays, not the sights.
“You’re not fooling anyone,” Tessa said
in a low voice meant for only Susan’s ears.
Susan hadn’t planned a day at the beach.
Hell, the last time she’d stepped in any sand, had been when her and Tessa had
worked on the fundraiser over a year ago for the hospital. And that had been
all business, well for the most part, but they hadn’t spent any time relaxing
or in the water. This morning when Tessa had called her and asked Susan to join
them, she gladly accepted. Tessa had said the guys wanted to surf and then
barbeque later and Susan knew this would be a great way to set in motion the
steps necessary for her to take to get out of the funk she’d been in. After a
quick stop to see her father, she’d met them all at Rowan’s then made the trek
to the beach.
The splash of water against her skin and
Tessa’s quick reprimand to Josiah had her smiling into the pages of her
covering. Josiah’s wet fingers tapped against Susan’s toes and the simple
gesture sent heat pooling between her thighs. Now they were both wet, she
thought on a sigh at the ridiculous thought.
“Come in the water with us,” he said,
his voice sending more heat coursing through her body.
Susan tossed the magazine in the sand
next to her yellow and red beach bag and jumped to her feet without a word. She
would gladly welcome the chill of the water against her skin to chase away the
burning in her body Josiah just commanded from her, she was sure without
intention. The scorching sand scalded the soles of her bare feet as she rushed away
from him. Her desperate need to get off the sand was a combination of getting
as far from Josiah as she could and to lessen the pain from the heat against
her skin. The beach was particularly congested today so she carefully, but as
quickly as possible, weaved through the crowd of bodies sprawled out on towels and
chairs in the sand. She didn’t even wait to see if either Tessa or Josiah
followed. With each step she took, it seemed as if the water receded and pushed
further away from her, not closer.
That damn water
, she thought, as if
it intentionally mocked her. Josiah jogged up next to her with his board tucked
under his left arm and kept pace with her easily.
“Would you like to surf with us awhile?"
he asked.
“No, thank you, I don’t surf,” she told
him as her toes touched the shoreline. She sunk her toes into the wet sand in
hopes that the coolness would travel from the soles of her feet and spread
throughout her body as quickly as the heat hit her. Her bright red painted
toenails pressed deeper into the sand until the color was no longer visible.
“What?” Josiah said with astonishment. “Tessa
said you grew up here.”
“I did, but not everyone who lives near
the ocean can surf.”
Josiah leaned in near to her, his wet
body brushing lightly against her skin. “I can teach you, come on,” he said as
he grabbed her by the hand and began pulling her into the water. Susan
resisted, digging her feet deeper into the moist sand, but it betrayed her just
as the water had and gave way so that she had no purchase to fight him with.