True Love Lost (An FBI Romance Thriller (book 3)) (19 page)

He’d have to figure it out.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the bedroom door. When there was no answer, he opened it, peeking inside. Elizabeth was inside and asleep in bed. He didn’t know if he should leave or enter the room. Part of him wanted to walk out, but he needed to get it off his chest, whether she was awake or not.

He sat on the side of the bed, and watched her sleep. His heart skipped in his chest, and he remembered the first time he’d ever seen her. They were in FBI West, and he was there for her help.
He’d always laughed at the phrase ‘love at first sight’, but on that day he fell hard for the woman. Callen lost his heart that day, and then had his dream shatter when he found out that she was married to his brother. God, weeks had passed and he still felt the same. Nothing made the ache of truth go away.

Once he’d betrayed the man downstairs over a woman, and he swore if he ever got a second chance that he’d keep them both safe. Despite what he felt inside
for her, he wouldn’t cross that line. If the man she married was anyone else, he’d be fighting to win her heart in a bloody battle to the death. Since it was his brother that she loved, he’d relegated himself to loving her from a distance. What he felt for her would remain in his heart and locked away, even though he was sure she already knew. Callen was sure it was one of his secrets she carried. Elizabeth was very astute.

“Lyzee
are you awake?” he whispered, softly.

When she
still didn’t move, Callen debated again and almost lost his nerve.

“I need to talk to you, and this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to
admit in my life. The first day I met you, I fell in love with you. Head over heels, because you’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. Then I found out that you were married to my brother, and I couldn’t ever hurt him again,” he paused, picking up her hand. “I won’t ever betray him, despite what I feel inside for you. I know I’ll never get over you, but right now I may have a chance to find happiness.” Whitefox took a deep breath and prayed to get through it. “Anyone will always be second to what I feel for you. You’re my true love, Lyzee.”

“
No one’s ever protected me and loved me the way you do. For so long I believed I wasn’t worthy of it. My own mother never felt anything for me, and then you showed up. You loved me unconditionally, and accepted me as part of my brother’s life. You made me feel alive and valued. Granddad loved me, but when you hug me, or tell me you love me, it fills my heart enough to get through the cold moments. It’s a different love from them. I’ve never felt anything like it before.”

Callen brushed a curl from her cheek
and gently touched her face. “Today I hurt you, because I didn’t side with you. I saw it in your eyes, and it broke my heart. The day you married my brother on the Rez, I showed you the tattoo we all had done, and it means everything to me. Not only because you have my back, but because it’s a reminder of who has part of my heart.” He didn’t know if he should continue. “You have half of me, and always will. No matter who comes into my life, you’ll always live inside me. Maybe it’s unfair to any other woman, but it’s the truth. I’m still in love almost half a year later and it’s not going away. I got the tattoo, Lyzee because I’m in love with you.”

Whitefox wiped his eyes with his free hand. He wished she was awake to tell him it was all going to be okay. That she loved him, and always would even though he screwed up.

“You have to understand that Desdemona is a gentle soul, I can feel it. But right now she’s broken in a million pieces inside and scared shitless of you. I took her side to protect her, and to keep her from being broken more. She doesn’t hate you, she’s afraid of you. Somewhere in her past she’s been damaged, and that’s something I completely understand. Before you I was broken into so many jagged pieces. There was no one to put me back together again. Then you knocked me over and fixed me. I was lucky. I had you to heal me. She doesn’t have someone like you to fix the pain.” Whitefox twisted the wedding band on her finger, wishing it was his. “She’s alone and scared.”

“
Whenever I’m around her I feel like I need to keep her safe. I want to wrap her up and put her on a shelf where nothing bad can reach her.” Whitefox brushed another curl from her cheek. “I need you to trust me on this. I look at her and see the fear and it crushes me. I know I have no right to dump more on you, but I need your help. I’m not good at the woman thing; if I was I wouldn’t be sitting here telling you what an ass I was to hurt you.” Whitefox lay beside her, facing her.

“I know you’re carrying
so much right now. Granddad has dumped us all on you. Wyler needs you to help him patch his relationship back up with Ethan and me. I’m a mess, and you’ve kept my secrets. Even ones that my brother doesn’t know about, and now you’re creating the next generation of men you’ll still be carrying.”

He took a deep breath. “
You’re the strongest person I know, and Desdemona needs strong now. As a favor to me, until I figure out where this is all going, can you just keep her safe? Granddad said you’re the protective raven, sent to guide us and keep us on track. Can you bear to take one more lost soul under your wing? Can you help me fix her and keep her safe?”

“No one will ever be you, but it’s as close as I’m going to get.
If Ethan didn’t find you first, this may have all been different, but it is what it is. I won’t ever get to love you like I want, but I can try and love her at least with what’s left of my heart and maybe it’ll be enough.”

When she still breathed evenly and didn’t move, he sighed.
“If it matters, if you told me right now you hate her, I’d walk away from her. I’d sacrifice anything for you, because I love you and trust your judgment.” When she still didn’t move, he leaned over and kissed her lightly on her lips, lingering longer than he normally would just to have the connection. He took the memory and buried it deep in his soul, vowing to save it for when he needed to feel.

“
I’m sorry I hurt you. I hope one day you can forgive me. Sweet dreams, Lyzee. I love you,” he whispered, again leaning over her to kiss her gently. One of his tears landed on her cheek, and he carefully wiped it away. “I’m so sorry. I can’t do this without you,” he said, voice choked with emotion. “I miss my best friend and need you to tell me it’s going to all be okay, and that you still love me.”

At least he said the words out loud. Maybe the universe would deliver them
. As he moved away from her to close the door, he didn’t see the icy blue eyes open, and he didn’t see the tear that slid down her cheek as the emotion overwhelmed her.

If there was any question in her mind if she loved the Blackhawk men, the conversation that Callen spilled while he thought she slept was exactly why. They loved completely and gave her so much of their lives. Now that he explained it all, she had no choice. He was more than forgiven. Elizabeth was going to do what she’d promised she’d do. Protect the men in her family at any cost, and
if anything she would always keep her promise to the Blackhawk men.

It was the path she was meant to follow.

                          *        *    
  *

When the kitchen was placed back in order,
Callen, Ethan and Doctor Adare all retired to their rooms for the night. No one questioned why it looked like Callen Whitefox had been crying. Nothing was said about what went on behind the closed door. It was obvious that the man was hurting and words wouldn’t fix what was broken.

Only one person could do that.

Ethan climbed into bed with his wife, and immediately she moved into his body and curled against him.

“I love you, baby,” he whispered and kissed her on the lips.
“Take it easy on Callen. He looks like hell, and he may have done something stupid, but he didn’t mean it,” he whispered, hoping his family would be fixed and back to the way it was. “Don’t let him suffer too long, he’s been hurt enough in life.”

When he closed his eyes and slept, his wife lay beside him awake and planning on giving him what he wanted too. Both men meant the world to her, and in the morning she’d protect them both with all she had inside her and figure out how to get through to a woman that wanted nothing to do with her.

                          *        *     
*

Desdemona took the one room furthest from Elizabeth. It was a comfortable space, with a big bed and lots of pillows. She noticed there was a doorway that adjoined hers and Callen Whitefox’s rooms. Just that thought made it hard to sleep. Looking around she tried to focus on anything else that would draw her attention. Oh look, there was a fireplace in there too, and she suddenly wished she knew how to light a fire like Elizabeth Blackhawk. Was there anything that the woman couldn’t do? There was no doubt she could walk on water too if need be.

She wouldn’t be surprised
.

When Whitefox had gone up to her room after dinner, she was
intensely jealous. When he came back down emotional, she wanted to storm up the stairs and fix it. It was after all her fault. The jealousy was something new for her. Even though she tried to not let it bother her, it was so hard to not feel the clawing at her heart. Yeah, it was irrational. Callen was nothing to her, but a friend. But sue a girl for wanting more. As she lay in the bed alone, she wondered what it would be like to have a man look at her the way both men looked at Elizabeth. Yeah, the green eyed monster was swallowing her whole and she wasn’t proud of it at all.

There was a scraping noise, and Desdemona looked at the clock. It was almost three a.m. and there was no reason for anyone to be up. She listened for it again, and when it was there once more, she grabbed her gun and prepared to find the source. Panic filled her that the sound might be the mysterious stranger that was haunting her life. Maybe he followed her there. At the next sound she was definitely going downstairs.

Elizabeth lay in bed just listening to the even breathing, as her husband’s chest rose and fell. She’d been lying there for the last few hours dwelling on the words that Callen had dropped in her lap. If she was going to be completely honest with herself, she wasn’t going try to tell herself she was surprised. If anything, she knew people and had a way of reading the situation. How the man felt about her wasn’t a shock, but when it was put into words and said out loud, it gave it a life of its own. Rolling to her side, she watched the man lying beside her, and she thought back to what her brother-in-law had confessed while he thought she was sleeping. She put herself in his position and wondered if she would she be as strong and honorable. If she was in love with Ethan Blackhawk, and he was married to someone else, would she be able to just love him from afar and never be part of his life?

Not likely
.

Elizabeth did
have feelings for Callen, but she was hopelessly, completely and totally in love with her husband. That didn’t mean she wouldn’t make a special place for him in her life.

Out of love, she’d make room for him in her heart. If Callen needed this favor, she’d make sure it happened. Her heart was big enough to love all the men in her family, and like she promised Timothy- it was her job to keep them all safe.

As she l
ie there thinking about it, there was this intense pain building in her body. It came hard and fast and stole her breath.

What the hell was that?
she wondered. That was the first time in the six months of pregnancy she felt pain. Her heart started pounding in her chest. Gently, she rolled to her back, and away from her husband so as not to wake him. After taking a few deep breaths, the pain stopped, but again the wave rolled right through her, and she felt her whole body tighten and then the baby literally go crazy and spin in circles.

She reached for her phone and realized it was in her jacket pocket, and her tablet was in her shoulder bag. Now she couldn’t Google it, and see what was going on with her body.

Damn it!

Elizabeth slid carefully out of bed. If she woke her husband, he’d freak out and drag her to the nearest ER. Maybe some tea would help, and then she could sit and research it online. As she
opened the bedroom door, it made a scraping sound and Elizabeth swore it was as loud as a gunshot. It surprised her that everyone didn’t come running. When her husband didn’t even move, she stepped out and closed the door. With the scraping noise again, she paused.

Still nothing.

She was almost in the clear. Walking slowly down the stairs, her hand protectively over the baby, she tried to massage him back into being calm. Whatever that pain was, the baby wasn’t too happy with it either.

Finally reaching the kitchen, Elizabeth put the tea kettle on and leaned against the counter as the next wicked pain hit her. “Shit,” she muttered, and
she desperately tried to breathe through it. Yeah, right then she was wondering how her best friend Livy did this six times. Soon she’d be giving birth to her and Gabe’s sixth child, and right now she honestly believed that the woman was more hardcore than a fleet of marines.