“I’m looking for Jacob Blake?” I ask the rather bored looking woman sitting at the front desk in the emergency room. Before she can answer I hear Bull’s name being called out.
“Yo, Bull!” Alexander hollers and I start running towards him.
“Carrie darlin’, what happened to you?” Alexander asks and I have no idea what he’s talking about. Me? I need to know about Jacob!
“How’s Jacob?” I ask. He looks over at Bull instead of answering me and if I was a different person I would have grabbed him, made him focus on me and answer my question!
Bull puts his arm around my shoulder when he gets to us and gives Alexander a bored expression. “She fell and hurt her leg.”
Oh…okay so that’s what he meant. Like that even matters! I mean I’m limping! I’m not in the hospital! Jacob could be…
“Then she should have her ass at home like Dragon ordered,” Alexander says and okay that’s it. I’ve had it. I stomp my foot, which really was a stupid thing to do because it was my bad leg and it hurt like freaking Hades!
“HOW IS JACOB!?!?!?”
Bull and Alexander both look at me like I have three heads. I push my hair off my face wondering if I should go back to the nurse, I turn to try and do that but Bull stops me by putting pressure on my shoulder and keeps me at his side.
“Damn…where do the brothers keep finding them?” Alexander asks and heaven help me if he doesn’t start making sense soon I may have to kill him.
“Fuck if I know brother. How is Dance?”
The easy-going attitude slowly slides off Alexander’s face and my stomach turns.
It’s bad.
I can see it written all over him.
If something happens to Jacob…I can’t take it…I just wouldn’t be able to…I sway a little at the thought of losing the only man I ever loved. He may have hated me, but at least he was still alive.
The thought of a world without Jacob is so physically painful the tears I have been trying to hold in break free. Bull pulls me tighter to him and I go because honestly I don’t think my feet can remain under me.
“He’s…”
“He’s going to be just fine,” Nicole interrupts Alexander as she comes out of a door behind us.
My eyes lock on hers to see if she is lying to me. Since I’ve been at the Savage MC, I have learned several things and one of those Nicole can’t lie. Her eyes give her away every time. When she looks at me dead on, I can see she truly believes that. It’s the first time I’ve taken an easy breath since Bull’s phone rang.
“See, Red? Now you need to let Crusher take you…”
“I’m staying.”
“Red…”
“I know if it was Dragon in there, I wouldn’t leave. Leave her alone Bull, Dance needs her,” Nicole interrupts as she pats my shoulder. “Let me take you back to where his room is.”
Bull and Alexander give us strange looks but they let us go. I follow Nicole through a door and we start walking down a hallway.
“How bad is it?” I ask because the silence and our echoing footsteps are driving me crazy.
“He’ll be fine. There are some things that you need to know. Things these stupid men in their effort to protect Dancer, won’t tell you,” She says, turning in front of me and stopping our progress.
I nod once and freeze, because she doesn’t know what I overheard earlier.
Will she hate me too? As much as I hate myself?
“Carrie, while Dancer was unconscious tonight…he had this dream…” Nicole starts and her voice is quiet and full of sadness and my heart stalls. I mean I know. I had probably heard the same things, but a part of me is in denial. I want to pretend I hadn’t heard it. Something like that was just too horrible to happen to Jacob.
I swallow, trying to find my voice.
“Carrie, I think he was hurt, while in prison. I think maybe he was raped…”
I stop her immediately. I do
not
want to hear that word. I do
not
want her to say that word. I do
not
want her to know that dark secret. That secret should be Jacob’s. It should be Jacob’s and he should be allowed to bury it so deep that it never reaches the outside world again.
“I know,” I say my voice is full of pain and panic and it sounds harsh.
Nicole looks at me questioningly.
“I uh… he was at the house while Bull was gone. He…the dream…he had it then.”
Nicole nods.
“Do you love him? I mean really love him?”
“Yes,” I answer instantly.
“You’re going to have to swallow a lot of crap to get to him, Carrie. Honey, it’s so bad. I’m not sure you will be able to get through to him.”
“You’ve dealt with this before?” I ask.
“That’s not my story to tell, Carrie. Let me just say, I love someone who has that same darkness in them. It changes who they are, in ways you can’t explain.”
I nod.
“Dancer is at rock bottom, Carrie. If any man needed a woman to stand by him—It’s him.”
I nod again. I don’t think I can find my voice at this point.
“Dragon and the boys they aren’t going to tell you this. They think they are protecting Dancer. I can’t say they’re completely wrong. What I can say, is that if you love him? If you are going to fight for him? Fight to stay with him?”
“I am.”
I don’t know where that answer came from. It pops out of my mouth but as it does, it feels right. I put Jacob in the mess he is in. It is because of me he was in jail. It is because of me he was vulnerable. I owe it to him to try and help now. I want to help.
Nicole smiles a sad smile, as if she knew what my answer would be all along, and she probably did. She loves Dragon. She knows how I feel about Jacob. I don’t have a choice, other than to try and help him.
“The accident tonight, I mean it wasn’t—an accident. Jacob drove off the Laurel Lake Dam.”
“I…”
“He drove off of it all on his own and he didn’t try to get out of the car.”
“Oh god,” I cry out my legs giving out and I sink onto the floor as my eyes fill with tears.
“If it wasn’t for a person walking on the lakefront, watching, and rescuing him, Dancer would have died tonight, Carrie. I’m pretty sure he’ll be upset he’s not dead. You need to know that if you’re going to stay around, honey.”
I nod, my knees cradling my head. Nicole bends down in front of me and her hand touches the side of my face. I look up at her.
“It will get worse before it gets better. He will never be the man you remember, Carrie. You need to know that.”
Those words cut me open inside. Can you die from bleeding internally from emotional wounds? It feels like I am.
“But, the man you love. There are pieces of him in there; there are new parts of him to love. If you are strong, you can help him come out the other side, you just have to be able to love the new him too.”
“You seem to know a lot about this, but Jacob and I…I mean he’s never let me inside, we’ve never had a real relationship. Nicole, what if I’m the wrong person to do this? What if I fail?”
“It’s a horrible thing to see happen to someone you love, Carrie. I don’t know what to tell you. I just know Dancer has a history with you. I also know that you’re the only one who has a chance of getting close to him right now.”
“Dragon and the men at the club they’d be better…they know him…”
“No. Something like that makes a victim feel powerless. Dancer wouldn’t let his brothers in enough. He won’t let them see. You, he might allow in. You, he might let help.”
I nod. I don’t know how she knows this. What I do know is, I can hear the truth in her voice. She believes what she is saying and something makes me believe it too.
She gives me a weak smile.
“Then suck it up, dry those tears and go in there and fight tooth and nail for your man because you will have to fight.”
I wipe my face and slowly rise back to my feet. She points me to Dancer’s room and turns to go.
“Nicole?”
“Yeah?”
“The person you helped…did you get them back?” I ask, her answer is important.
She walks to the first door and holds her head down.
“It’s a work in progress Carrie, but I’m glad I never gave up.”
It’s not at all what I wanted to hear, but I will have to take it. I don’t have a choice.
“Crusher dear, seems you’re taking me home. My master has spoken,” she calls out as the door closes behind her.
I take a deep breath, close my eyes and try to get a handle on my emotions. Just as I’m walking into Dancer’s room, Bull comes up behind me. Damn he moves quickly. He looks at my face and I’m sure he can tell that I have been crying, but he doesn’t say anything. He kisses my forehead and opens the door for me.
Dancer
I
’m lying in
the bed feeling as if I’m floating. At first I figure I’m dead. I can almost feel relief. Slowly I start recognizing the voices, Dragon and Nicole talking. Their voices are low, but I can hear them. Maybe this is my hell? Listening to two people obviously in love talk about their poor pathetic friend like he’s not around?
“I need you,” I hear Dragon say in a tone I have
never
heard from my brother.
“You’ll always have me,” She whispers back.
What would that be like to know that the woman you wanted would be there beside you no matter what? Carrie would have given that to me. I know it. I’ve always known it. She’s young and she’s been protected from the world, but she’s strong and she never waivers in supporting those she cares about. She would have given me exactly what Nicole is giving Dragon and probably more. She still would. At least I think she would try. What would she do though? How would she feel if she knew the man she loves, the man who she thinks can protect her from the world was so weak,
is
so fucking pitiful that he couldn’t even protect himself?
The thought of Carrie finding out about the attack, of finding out what I was too weak to prevent fills me with dread. How can she love someone like that? Someone like me?
“Red, I told you…”
I try to open my eyes, but can’t. I manage to open them just enough to see blurry images, but that effort takes too much. I hear Dragon’s words but it’s Carrie’s scent that slams into me. It reaches me even over the antiseptic smell of the hospital room. It is the scent of sweet flowers and summer. It is Carrie. I take it in. I’ve dreamed of that scent for so long. It calms me, it tortures me, and it haunts me.
“I thought I gave an order,” Dragon says again.
“I ignored them. How is Jacob?” Carrie asks and then I feel her fingers wrap around my hand. I feel a little less cold hearing her voice and having her touch.
She’s here after I hurt her. She’s here holding my hand and worried about me, despite everything.
“Doctor says he’s doing fine, he just hasn’t regained consciousness yet.”
“What happened?” Carrie asks and my heart stops. I don’t want her to know. I don’t want her to have proof of how weak I am. I need her to see me as she always has.
“Car accident,” Dragon answers. My brother has my back, even after everything.
“It happened down by the dam? I know I’m new, but there’s not usually a lot of traffic by a dam this late at night. Was there another party involved? Was there other people hurt?” She questions and I can feel her smoothing out the covers over my chest. I want her to let it go, to stop the questioning. I don’t want her to know. I need her to remain clueless. I can’t see the disappointment in her face, or worse the disgust if she knows the whole story.
“I’m going to get some coffee,” Bull speaks up. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I’m glad he’s leaving. I want him as far away from Carrie as he can get. That’s just further proof that I’m a bastard, and that she deserves better.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“Carrie, all due respect, but Dance wouldn’t want you here and he wouldn’t appreciate you knowing his business. Let me take you home.”
Fuck. I can’t hear this shit. I did this. I put my brother in this position. Worse I’m responsible for others hurting Carrie now.
“I’m not leaving.”
“I have to think of my brother…and this may hurt you Carrie, but you have to know the minute he wakes he’s going to tell you to leave.”
“Then when he wakes up and tells me to leave, I’ll go.”
The room goes quiet and I’m thankful. Hearing them discuss me, discuss how hateful I’ve been to this woman who even now cares about what happens to me?
Fuck, I am in hell.
She still has hold of my hand, but now I can feel her fingers feather gently across my face. How long has it been since someone has touched me in a way that I can tell they care? Carrie touched me that night two years ago. Her hand had gently touched my face, much like now. She had looked at me with those damn green eyes of hers, so full of dreams and told me she loved me. I can still remember the panic I felt. Hell, I feel it now.
Maybe if I have Carrie, the darkness won’t swallow me. Maybe if I let her, she could save me. Because, I’m dying a little more every damned day. Inside I’m rotting away and I can’t stop it. I’m desperate, and when her hands are on me, it’s the first time I’ve been able to draw a breath that feels even half way clean.
Can she take away all of the darkness?
Sleep begins to drag me back under. I want to fight it, but I’m just too tired. I concentrate on Carrie’s touch. If she’s here, maybe the nightmares will stay away.
Carrie
M
y fingers move
over Jacob’s face, tracing the cuts and scrapes that mar his beauty. He seems to be resting better now. Was it my imagination that I felt his hand weakly squeeze mine?
“Carrie, you might hear…well there are just things that Dancer might say while he’s sleeping that he would not want you to hear,” Dragon says.
I swallow. He wouldn’t want Dragon to hear it either.
“I already know,” I whisper the words like a guilty secret. I check Jacob over trying to find everywhere he has been hurt. I’m not doing it stay busy. The fact that Dragon knows Jacob’s secret has rattled me. I haven’t given myself time to process it yet. Dragon and I discussing it now seems like I’m betraying Jacob somehow.
I move his gown to the side and find an ugly scar on Jacob’s side. It is old, there’s no way it came from the accident. It’s healed over and ugly to look at. It’s at least a couple of months old… maybe more.