Tumbleweed (18 page)

“I hear ya'll had a bit a trouble at that place of Jim's. Guess some folks just ain't meant to farm. Should have kept your nose out of my business, huh?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but had no idea what I could possibly say. Did the fool actually believe he controlled the weather now? Surely he didn't think the wrath of God followed his whim.

When his speech didn't get the right response, he tried again. “I sure hope you don't think Ethan'll want anything to do with you after this. He'll toss you and that brat kid of yours to the side any day now.”

Something in his words caused my tenuous hold on sanity to snap. I flew around the cart, my fist connecting with his nose the second I was within striking distance. He let out a bellow and jerked back while trying to get a good hold on me.

I doubt I did much damage as I pummeled his massive chest. It felt like hitting a tree, but I didn't care. Even if I hurt my hands more than I did him, it felt good.

He managed to grab hold of my hands, jerking me to him so his stale breath burned my face. “You're a little big for your britches, ain't ya sis?”

“Let go of me you foul, filthy, disgusting…” I continued to rattle off every insult I could think of as I tried to wriggle my way free. I finally gave up with that approach and resorted to the good old standby.

He howled with pain when my knee connected with its target. Better yet, he let my hands go. The howl must have caught someone's attention because I heard footsteps rapidly approaching.

“Lady, you're nuts. I should have killed you when I had the chance.” Hobbes took a step towards me.

“This one's for hurting Ethan.” I kicked him again. “And for scaring my son.”

Just as I was preparing to launch myself at him again, a pair of hands grabbed me by the arms, lifting me off the ground as I fought to free myself.

“Hey, hey little hellcat. Calm down,” Ethan soothed, but I think I might have heard a touch of a chuckle in his voice as well. “Bobby's on his way over. We'll get this whole thing sorted out.”

At that announcement, Hobbes seemed to try a little harder to collect himself, stumbling once or twice in an attempt to head for the door.

“Actually, Hobbes, I think he'll want to have a word or two with you when he gets here.” Ethan let go of me to swiftly block Hobbes' escape.

Hobbes took a swing at Ethan but missed. I don't know how Ethan stayed so calm as he corralled Hobbes. I wanted to fly into him again. Aaron was there, now, though. That tethered my temper like nothing else could. I stood beside him, my arm protectively over his shoulder.

It took Bobby long enough to get there that our little group was joined by a nervous Dollar General manager, who had apparently taken it upon himself to ensure no more fist fights broke out on his watch. I had to give him credit; I'm not sure I'd have been quite so dedicated to my post.

Hobbes continued to run his mouth, but even he seemed to be smart enough to do the math. He stopped trying to pick a fight now that he was outnumbered. We'd attracted a bit of an audience, though, so his mouth ran full speed ahead.

I went through the motions of answering Bobby's questions, but my mind was firmly planted on Hobbes' words. Rationally, I knew he'd just been spewing hatred, but something in what he said struck exactly what I feared in my heart. Inside, I wanted nothing more than to curl into a little ball and cry. Well, maybe put ice on my hands and then curl into a little ball to cry. I was brought back to the necessity of the moment by Bobby's next words.

“You know, technically Hailey, you assaulted him.” Bobby's voice was soft.

“He goaded me into it.” I sincerely hoped my panic wasn't detectable in my voice. That's the last thing Aaron needed, his mom in jail.

“He threatened her,” Ethan quickly amended. “She had reason to believe both she and her son were in danger.”

Bobby nodded. I don't think he believed it for a minute, but he didn't seem keen on pressing the issue. “Lucky for you, Miss Hailey, Hobbes stirred up trouble down in Arkansas just after Ethan's accident. He got into a tussle in a bar and hit someone with a broken beer bottle. Hurt him real bad, too. He'll have to go back to face that. I can't promise he won't press charges against you, hon, but he might not want to make too big of a fuss about being beat up by a girl.”

I nodded, not sure what to say to that. The nod was as coherent as I was going to get. I never did get my dog food or underwear. Instead, I followed Ethan out the door and rode silently back to what was left of the ranch. Aaron chattered excitedly the entire way home; he thought it was fantastic that his mother was in a brawl in Dollar General. When I finally got him settled down and in bed, I allowed Ethan to look over my hands. They hurt like a son of a gun, but there was nothing to do for them besides apply ice. I didn't really have patience for that, but Ethan insisted, so I found myself sitting across from him with my hands in his as he held ice packs to my knuckles.

“You're quiet,” Ethan observed.

“I think I've just hit my wall.” It was partially true. I didn't know how to explain the jumble in my heart to him. “My hands will be fine. I think I need to go to bed.”

Ethan leaned back, releasing my hands. “If you need to talk, I'm here.”

“You always are.” I offered the most reassuring smile I could before kissing his forehead and heading to bed, where I curled up with my pillow and finally had that cry I'd been needing.

We'd been so close. But without Mountain View, I had no way to support myself or Aaron in the Ozarks, and that had to be my main concern. I'd learned long ago that was all I could count on in life: me and Aaron. As I drifted off to sleep, I'd made up my mind. Aaron might be mad at me for it, but he'd understand someday. It was time for our adventure to end.

Chapter Fourteen

I couldn't stand the look
on Ethan's face. Those eyes tore right through me every time; they had been for days. Only it was worse now that we stood at the door to my little Nissan with my son, two goofy dogs, and what little we owned packed inside.

“You know, it doesn't have to be over now, Hailey.”

“What do you mean? You heard Jim, he's not rebuilding. I have no job, no home here and my family is a couple hundred miles away. For me, it's over.”

“Marry me,” Ethan grabbed me by the shoulders, his eyes trying to break through the steel wall I'd erected around my heart. Something inside me melted just a little, that familiar fire smoldered in my belly. I could spend thousands of mornings with this man, watching the sun rise with each new promise. I could almost see a vision of us in those eyes. I reached up to run my finger along his jaw line.

Somewhere in the back of my mind another picture arose unbidden. It was the picture of a little blue coupe driving away, down the street and out of my life. There was a little boy clinging to my leg crying. He didn't understand things like a husband simply deciding married life wasn't for him.

He just wanted his daddy. I'd just wanted to be loved for who I really was. Only problem with that, I didn't know who I really was. I hadn't then. Did I now? Could I risk hurting Aaron for the promise of a thousand mornings? Was this only a convenient way to stay here now? What happened when Ethan wanted to get in his truck to drive out of my life – who would I be then?

I didn't have to say the word. He knew. He saw the sorrow on my face and he knew. I pulled him to me and kissed him one last time, drinking in the sandpaper feel of his unshaven jaw in sharp contrast to the feathery softness of his lips on mine. Oh, he smelled so very good. I never wanted to forget how he smelled. I never wanted to forget how his hair felt under my fingertips as I held him to me. At last he pulled away, splintering my soul into a thousand shards.

“I have to know who I am on my own, before I can be with anyone—even you—and I can't ask you to sit around and wait on me to figure that out,” I whispered hoarsely. He nodded. He looked so sad, but somehow I knew he understood. There were no last words for me to cling to, to tuck away in my memory. He just turned and walked away.

I sat in the car for a moment, willing my hands to stop shaking. I reached out to ruffle Aaron's hair, but he pulled away from me. I nodded, not surprised by his anger but not fully equipped to deal with it, either. So I simply sighed and turned the car on. It was going to be a long drive back to St. Louis.

It didn't help that the sky, that sky I had loved so much, stretched out before me on the highway, blankets of white rolling across brilliant blue, pointing the way. On and on it stretched, a seemingly endless reminder of a dream ended. A great knot was lodged in my throat and my chest tightened a little more with each mile of blacktop that passed underneath my wheels, carrying me further and further from the place we had come to call home.

Aaron was quiet in the seat next to me. Sometimes he looked out the window at the farms we passed. Sometimes he played his handheld game. Always I knew that I had let him down again. I'd failed. And now we were homeless.

Homeless. A new low even for us. Poor kid – he'd been born into the roller coaster that is my life. He hadn't gotten on this ride by choice. I'd dragged him along. And now that stupid sky was mocking me for it.

Without much fanfare, we settled into life in my parent's basement. We took turns sleeping on the daybed and the recliner.
Old Blue and Rover did their best to destroy my parents' small and perfectly manicured lawn. I guess suburbia really was no place for a country dog. They just couldn't seem to help themselves.

There were perks to living at Mom and Dad's. They had cable, and a dryer, and the food was good. Of course, the sympathetic looks I got from everyone stabbed like a knife. So did the barrage of “what are you going to do now” questions that I got from my siblings. I knew they all meant well. What I didn't know was what was next. I felt like a piece of highway litter that was caught on a fence, forgotten and twisting in the wind. I felt like tumbleweed rolling along with no real place to go next. Just ambling.

Once when I was taking out the trash, I could have sworn that I heard Allie nickering a hello. I whirled around and instantly felt foolish. Of course I was alone. Allie was gone. Hopefully the ASPCA had taken her by now, but that meant she would be nearly starved so I wasn't sure what to hope for, I guess.

I missed her eyes, though. I missed her. Any time I really stopped and thought of all we'd come so close to and lost, my throat tightened and tears sprang to my eyes. It was like sucking on a particularly tart lemon on a regular basis.

And then there were the nights, the long and lonely nights. I never minded sleeping alone before. Now it didn't seem right somehow. I could almost picture him there beside me. His broad back would be bare. I could rest my head on his shoulder and run my fingertips down the length of his spine. Those musings always ended with a groan into my pillow. Then the sun would rise, and I would wish he were there to share a cup of coffee with. I almost called him a thousand times a day but didn't. I figured he was through with me and mine.

For better or for worse, life marched on. I took a job substitute teaching at the high school my sisters taught at. I liked it well enough and it paid the rent on the little two bedroom apartment Aaron and I took a temporary lease on. Aaron got to finish the school year out with his cousins. That made life a little more tolerable for both of us. I knew I was supposed to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, but I seemed to only dig myself deeper into the one life I knew I didn't want.

My typically sunny child seemed reticent and sad most days. That is, when he wasn't glaring angrily at me. He was too respectful by nature to come right out and say it, but it was always there – the anger that simmered just beneath the surface. Not that I blamed him; most days I was pretty angry as well. Keep a lid too tight on a simmering pot and it'll eventually boil over, though. So I shouldn't have been surprised when it came.

“Hey babe. Don't forget to pick up your room before you go to Grandma's.” I poked my head in his room.

“I will.” He didn't look up from his game.

“Why don't you turn that off and get started?” I frowned.

“I said I'll get to it,” he snapped.

“Hey, kid, watch your mouth.” I stepped into his room.

“Whatever.” He still didn't look up from his game.

“What has gotten into you?”

“Nothing.”

“No, I mean it. Who are you and what have you done with my son?”

“Forget it. Just leave. That's what you do, isn't it?” He focused even harder on his game.

“Hey, that's not fair.” I crossed my arms. I knew he was mad, but he'd never been mad at me like this before. We were a team, or at least we had been.

“Not fair?” He threw his game controller aside and stood to glare at me. “What about Ethan? Was what you did to him fair?”

“Wait a second. What are you talking about? What did I do to Ethan?”

“You know.”

“I'd like to hear it from you, please.”

“He loved you Mom! He loved you and you hurt him. You ran away and that's not fair.”

“Who told you all of this?”

“I have eyes, Mom. I'm not stupid. Ethan won't say anything about it. He asks about you, though. I think he still loves you even though what you did was crappy.”

“It's not that simple, babe,” I was completely taken aback by his vehemence.

“It is that simple.” His eyes crackled with a fierceness I hadn't seen before. “He loved you, and you loved him, and that means something, right? It's not just Ethan, you walked away from everything. That place is a part of me. It's a part of you, or at least I thought it was.”

“It was. It is.” I sank to the ground right there in his room. “I feel like there's a great big hole in my heart now. I don't know what I miss more, Ethan or the farm. But you have to believe me that I didn't leave either lightly.”

“I know that Mom. I really do. I'm sorry I said what I did, but I want to go back.” He curled up beside me like the little boy he had been not so long ago.

“I'll tell you what I told Ethan: let me figure this thing out in my own time and my own way. Don't push me, babe. I know what you want, but we also have to eat. I have to be able to provide for our basic needs, and there just aren't jobs down there. Give me time to figure out what's best for both of us, how to do this right. Trust me, please.”